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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate


Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 4 days, 18 hours
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I wish this weren't about my depression *DELETED*
#23628825 - 09/09/16 11:57 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Post deleted by Lion
Reason for deletion: .
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,539
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: Lion] 1
#23628840 - 09/09/16 12:02 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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I never know exactly what is going to happen. Often I have no idea what is coming next week or tomorrow. No clue ever about the weather and I keep looking at the news and out the window. and My tarot card readings usually fail to crystallize, but something else happens. been this way for 64 years - no tarot in the first 14 years. so how are you so sure you know anything?
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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate


Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 4 days, 18 hours
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression *DELETED* [Re: redgreenvines]
#23628907 - 09/09/16 12:28 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Post deleted by Lion
Reason for deletion: .
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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bigdoodie
it does not matter


Registered: 06/24/16
Posts: 238
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: Lion]
#23628948 - 09/09/16 12:50 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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God is the answer to everything,
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laughingdog
Stranger

Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 4,828
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: Lion]
#23629183 - 09/09/16 02:12 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Lion said: ...But it is.
I can feel myself getting ready to make a new attempt to pull myself up, after a downward spiral, toward wellness, fitness, health, a more organized and centered life. It is just perennial, it never stops, and it doesn't get easier, especially physically. I am sort of gauging the level of commitment I'm ready to bring to undertaking this personal project, and it is not as high as it's been in the very recent past, nor is it as low as it has been when I've been at my worst.
It feels really pointless. I feel almost certain that no matter what happens barring a serious calamity or tragedy, I know more or less how I'm going to feel inside in 3 months, 6 months, a year, two years, and what the big issues in my internal life are going to look like, regardless of how much money I have in my bank account or what continent I live on: I'm going to be single and lonely, I'm going to be anxious and neurotic, I'm going to constantly think about the ills of the world and my inability to muster the energy to be part of a solution, I'm going to not have anyone close to confide in, I'm going to be feeling all kinds of external pressure to be a better version of myself, I'm going to have trouble sleeping and trouble getting up in the morning, and I'm going to be looking around for the next place to escape to and start over. Those facts never seem to change.
How do people do this for 60, 70, 80 years? Physically I'm just going to keep going downhill, I can feel it, and mentally I just seem to become a more and more difficult person for people to relate to. Maybe that combination just leads you to a place where you're either numb, or liberated in a sense. I don't know. The struggle to reach basic wellness never ends.
I deal with some similar issues. I have 'creative' projects possibly of no value to anyone else. The external world is as Einstein said: "Either everything is a miracle or nothing is" from the point of view of the book of Ecclesiastes in the bible nothing is ( miraculous / wonderful ) or more rationally: detachment is the appropriate response to life. However from the point of view of a child everything is new & full of possibility & mysterious. As selfaware beings we may have a choice as to how we focus our awareness. This is a 'dimension' usually ignored. This dimension is explored in the following resources...
if you like books : 'The Open-Focus Brain: Harnessing the Power of Attention to Heal Mind and Body' --by Les Fehmi (Author), Jim Robbins (Author) ISBN-10: 1590306120 ISBN-13: 978-1590306123 or free info http://www.openfocusattentiontraining.com/2014/12/15/open-focus-and-nonduality/ or if you like video: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=shinzen+young+mindfulness or
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DocShamen
Good Vibes



Registered: 09/06/16
Posts: 79
Loc: land of OZ
Last seen: 7 years, 14 days
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: laughingdog]
#23629501 - 09/09/16 03:50 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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I come to to the point when life keeps throwing me the same thing over and over it is because I haven't truely learned what it was for me to learn. in the midst of depressing whether slight or drowning. remember to stop and focus on the things that bring you joy. remember you are invictus. you are never alone. we as humans are a network physically, mentally, and spiritually. we collide in some aspects as we walk through our own personal journies. only to discover the paths has already be made before us.i am hear to listen and hopefully guide you back to your joy. I know how troublesome it is as I too have suffered great depressions and to this day suffer from ptsd. but there is always a glimpse of light to lead you on your way there is always someone walking on the same path you are. GOOD VIBES, DS
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RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 18 hours, 5 minutes
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: Lion]
#23630618 - 09/09/16 08:55 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Lion said:
I can feel myself getting ready to make a new attempt to pull myself up, after a downward spiral, toward wellness, fitness, health, a more organized and centered life.
I recommend not trying to become a different better version of yourself. That's the road to hell.
It takes a commitment to self-compassion to totally accept who you are. Right now.
I hear a fire-storm of despair and negativity in your post.
Notice the avalanche of thoughts that create those feelings.
Don't believe them. The mind of depression is a liar.
- peace -
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cez

Registered: 08/04/09
Posts: 5,854
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: Lion]
#23630790 - 09/09/16 10:00 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Life is always heavy for me when I take on the mentality like, "I need to do this and this and this and then everything will be better." I can't make myself better just as the tongue can't taste itself, as Alan Watts would say.
Maybe learn to be more gentle with yourself. Become a passerby, as one sage put it.
Or ignore all that, but maybe remember that you're not alone on this downward spiral 
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#23631093 - 09/09/16 11:46 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
Lion said:
I can feel myself getting ready to make a new attempt to pull myself up, after a downward spiral, toward wellness, fitness, health, a more organized and centered life.
I recommend not trying to become a different better version of yourself. That's the road to hell.
It takes a commitment to self-compassion to totally accept who you are. Right now.
I hear a fire-storm of despair and negativity in your post.
Notice the avalanche of thoughts that create those feelings.
Don't believe them. The mind of depression is a liar.
- peace -
"i am what i am, and that's all that i am"
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 18 hours, 5 minutes
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: demiu5]
#23634141 - 09/10/16 10:09 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
demiu5 said:
"i am what i am, and that's all that i am"
I looked up who said this, and it was Popeye?
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laughingdog
Stranger

Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 4,828
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: RJ Tubs 202] 1
#23634534 - 09/11/16 01:04 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Hobozen


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 10,634
Loc:
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: Lion] 2
#23635038 - 09/11/16 08:54 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Try living outside. All of what you explained is me when I live indoors and get into the habit of doing indoor stuff. Buy a bike, attach a rear rack, tie a crate to it, stick a hiking backpack in there and hang whatever else you have on the backpack so your light and won't drain your energy walking everywhere. All of my stuff fits on there. Find a city that's mostly flat and surrounded by wilderness .
I've been doing this since April and can't describe how it feels. Depression is gone. Still have anxiety and neurosis but not near the severity it was at before. I can still feel myself unwinding.
Just bought a Hennesy hammock and planning on getting a wetsuit to sleep in at night. First time attempting to survive a Canadian winter outdoors. Weather isn't too bad tho in some places in the pnw.
Don't need much money with all the stuff you can get used and free meals and resources are abundant where I'm at. Few days a month of temp labor is all you really need.
The life is up for grabs if you have the balls and can talk yourself out of the endless excuses.
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Lion
Decadent Flower Magnate


Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,775
Last seen: 4 days, 18 hours
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression *DELETED* [Re: Hobozen]
#23635458 - 09/11/16 11:46 AM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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Post deleted by Lion
Reason for deletion: .
-------------------- “Strengthened by contemplation and study, I will not fear my passions like a coward. My body I will give to pleasures, to diversions that I’ve dreamed of, to the most daring erotic desires, to the lustful impulses of my blood, without any fear at all, for whenever I will— and I will have the will, strengthened as I’ll be with contemplation and study— at the crucial moments I’ll recover my spirit as was before: ascetic.”
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Hobozen


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 10,634
Loc:
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Re: I wish this weren't about my depression [Re: Lion]
#23635561 - 09/11/16 12:18 PM (7 years, 4 months ago) |
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>If I REALLY didn't have to interact with people, I'd go into myself and not come out. I might become even lonelier and more isolated than I am here in this big city where I barely speak the local language.
That might be the anxiety/neurosis talking, because I've had the same feeling of wanting to escape from people, but once I started living outside, that feeling changed and now I enjoy it; and I'm an introvert too. I sleep in the woods but during the day I'm in the city.
Having to adhere to a strict schedule, being indoors a lot etc. changes the way we think about these things and how we see our ourselves. Have hope dude. I was damn hopeless at one point and a complete mess and never thought things could change for the good so fast. Eventually I just had to escape.
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