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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD
    #23617609 - 09/06/16 09:49 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Took them on a semi-full stomach. Did not have concrete plans to do this, but had a couple days off, so decided it was necessary. Almost got a trip-sitter, but he had no experience with psychedelics and I thought that might scare me even more.

Note: I have C-PTSD, so this wasn't a very pleasant experience for me. I only do it because there is research suggesting that mushrooms might help me more than anything else and I honestly don't think it could make my condition any worse. I apologize if it isn't as cosmic and wonderful as other trip reports.

Cut up the mushrooms and swallowed them over the course of about twenty minutes. I've been isolating and cutting myself off from a lot lately, so there was no music or anything going on in my apartment. I felt very pathetic, but lately, when I listen to music, my mind flashes back to other times and people from the past and I dissociate and it causes me even more anxiety. Studio apartment was clean though. I started to come up about thirty minutes later and I was not well. I balled up and cried and screamed and started thinking about this girl I used to like a number of years ago. The crying came easy. I yelled into a blanket as to be quiet for my neighbors. Don't really remember a lot of the trip honestly. I know I cried and shook a lot and sometimes got angry and yelled :/

Tried to take a shower, but hated being naked so sort of ran out of the shower screaming and remember judging myself a lot... telling myself to do this, then asking myself why I was doing it, and then blaming myself for doing it. This lead to more crying and more feeling disconnected from the world. Felt very hopeless and helpless. My normal head voice that usually calms me down just didn't work for me. This caused me more anxiety. I don't like talking to myself out loud or anything. That causes me anxiety. I feel like I lie to myself when I do that. I remember trying to lie down and then started kicking my feet in frustration like a little boy throwing a temper tantrum, but I kept myself from getting fully upset about how I felt. This caused more anxiety, but I didn't let myself spill. Not letting myself spill over or cry or lose control caused more anxiety lol (but really not lol).

I felt isolated. I closed my eyes and saw these visual and tried to calm myself. I started talking like someone else was in the room that I was angry with. More crying. My desperation and distress caused more anxiety.

First wave subsided and I wanted to masturbate... sort of an automated response for me from stress. It's really a PTSD symptom as I was sexually abused. I felt myself and didn't like how I was touching myself or the shitty places my mind was going. My body felt limp and lifeless like it was in submission. I wanted to go to my happy place, but I also realized I am sick of going to that place and also don't know how to face what is happening to myself in the present. Masturbated, felt terrible. More dissociation that I've ever experienced. Left apartment to drive... bad idea. At this point I was fighting the effects of the mushrooms and that is a terrible experience, but I think I was doing it out of survival or so my brain thinks. Fighting drugs is what I have always done with them in my system. I think all of this had to do with me being stuck in the abuse in my head and my body was acting it out all over again. I was hoping the mushrooms would bring me some self-compassion or another perspective. At this point I felt like I was going crazy, so nothing out of the normal for me. I did feel lighter and observed that I like to hold my body in tension because it makes me feel more protected. The tension was sort of gone, and that was a scary feeling for me. I was afraid to make eye contact out in public.

Returned home, called some people, felt I was being annoying. Didn't know who I was or where I was. Constant distress. Finally went over to ex's mom's house and asked to lie down alone. Felt sort of safe finally! I calmed down. My body was twitching a lot. I cried softly and closed my eyes and saw incredible visuals. I prayed. I asked something very large if it would please take care of me and help me enjoy the life I have left. I was full of snot. I walked into the room with my ex and she looked so tired and even sick to me. her face looked incredibly aged to me. I asked if she was okay. she looked very sad. I remembered a time I tripped ten or so years ago and saw my father's face (he's dead, also the one that abused me when I was little) and how disappointed and sad he looked when he was talking to me. I felt terrible. I dissociated the feeling and laid down with her and then we left and I begged to go to her house because I didn't want to be in my apartment. I laughed at the actors on TV the rest of the night and closed my eyes and saw amazing visuals with mouths and eyes blinking and chomping at me. Had a huge headache the next day.

If you're using psychedelics for PTSD, let me know what you do and how you do it. This was terrifying and a very rough experience for me, mainly because I just fight it and the dissociation I experience on a daily basis prevents me from really knowing anything about myself. If you've ever dissociated, you know it's a terrifying feeling to feel like you're not in existence or a ghost to yourself. the mushrooms amplified it for sure. I just feel alone and like there is no hope for ever getting through it. I also feel alone and like no one else has made it through it either.

Thanks for reading.


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Offlinelovuasca
Strange
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Registered: 09/10/16
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23632240 - 09/10/16 12:30 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I don't have PTSD, but my hat's off to you for trying to solve psychological issues with a psychedelic. I wish I did when I went through hell.
Anyway, how long ago was it and do you still feel effects of the trip you've had? And are they positive/negative?

Thanks.


--------------------

It doesn't matter whether you are christian, muslim, jew, atheist or ascribe to any other belief-system.
It doesn't matter whether you look out to the stars, or under a microscope to the tiniest of particles.
It doesn't even matter what kind of practice you perform to reach your goal.
Because if you keep looking, everything eventually leads to the same truth, like a fractal that contains itself in every direction you take it.
You will find yourself.

I love you.

Blatant self-advertisement.


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: lovuasca]
    #23637893 - 09/12/16 07:50 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

it's been about a week. I don't know really if there is a difference. Maybe a little bit more aware of things going on around me and things in my past. It's not easy. And when I sleep, even taking a nap, I fear like I'm about to fall into this void. It may sound strange, but I wake up shaking. I'm also more aware of this perpetual feeling of being trapped, whether it's by myself subconsciously or by someone else that isn't even around. Also more aware of my obsessive tendencies. I do feel like I'm about to break down pretty often and cry or scream or something. Hope that helps.


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OfflineZiu
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23638511 - 09/12/16 01:31 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Hi!

Because you mentioned shaking,
maybe you should try trauma releasing exercises.
TRE
Another video

Few years ago I tripped with huge doses, and at the beginning of several trips I did trauma releasing exercises, that helped great deal for surrendering the experiences.
I also did it daily about an hour a day for 6 months during that time when I was getting rid of meds and tripping frequently.


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: Ziu]
    #23655648 - 09/18/16 01:00 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

how did that work out for you?

I'm still shaking a lot on the micro dosing too... and crying... and screaming. It sucks so bad and is so hard to go through over and over and over. I just hope there is an end to it eventually honestly. I really have no idea why I'm even crying. I just feel like kicking and screaming about everything from having to go to work to watching people around me suffer to being so confused myself and time not giving two shits what I do with my existence lol!

I let my body shake if it wants too, but sometimes, I don't even want it to. sort of fucked up because I must be trying to release something right?


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OfflineZiu
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23656093 - 09/18/16 03:32 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

It helped really much, those exercises were important part of my journey resetting then and I still use them now maybe few times a week.
I could connect to my body, like from years of living with my thoughts/memories finally having something solid to work with.
Many times after shaking session, something bothering came to mind, but it was easier to deal with cause I could trace it back to tension release, to body.
Tripping part of journey was life changing, although I did deep voyages so intensively that it took time to recover from those experiences along with the effects of quitting meds.
Afterwards I took acupuncture treatments for about a year every two weeks, and that helped greatly for balancing mind and body.

I suggest taking modest doses mushrooms (in safe and peacefully place) at first and bit by bit learning how to surrender.
Learning to release your body tension by shaking is also very effective way to learn surrendering.
I have tried micro dosing several times,
but it almost always made me kind of agitated and I feel that real trip is way more effective.

Sounds like you are on path of healing and it would be good to have some help (if you don't already have) along the way if it is possible.
Taking acupuncture treatments, getting massages, seeing therapist, whatever feels like worth to try.
It is also perfectly okay also to not let body shake, it is important as well to watch, feel what is happening without reacting or surrendering to it always.

It is very brave to let yourself experience crying and screaming, even though as hard as it is.
Many times things that we go through cannot be named at the moment you experience them or even afterwards, but maybe it is not the point or the goal.
Without logical explanation, just feeling, just being.
Just existing.


You are probably trying to release something
and even though it is solid as tension in the body,
or resilient as haunting thoughts, everything changes.
Sudden tension becomes feeling of deep relaxation,
thoughts evaporate, like some kind of silence occurs.

And even though tension builds up again and thoughts rumble,
you will never be the same.
You are somehow getting better,
beyond good and bad,
you already are.


I'm honored that we share the same silence.

Ziu


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: Ziu]
    #23658577 - 09/19/16 12:00 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

:0

Thanks!!! this surrender thing... it keeps popping up in my mind. and when you say you have something solid to work with are you comparing living in your mental storm vs. then having your physical body back? What I went through took me out of my body so to speak and this is my attempt to get it back. surrendering I guess is going with the flow of the mushrooms and what they want to show me I guess. sometimes I can't even believe that I'm crying. the most pervasive feeling is that of being so so so trapped, and trying to cover up that feeling or realization with a bunch of lies and denial. I was trapped once. I'm not in that prison anymore physically, but I am still there in my head, which is just as real as real to me.

I'm glad you've had some progress!


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Offlinethesupersoap33
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23658585 - 09/19/16 12:04 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

and yes... I need to get back into massage, and I'm looking for a therapist. I need help, and good help. a lot of the people in my life right now are pretty shitty or at least I think so. friends nonetheless, but I'm thinking I'm just taking whatever comes down the pipe. never felt like I had a choice. if I even recover that for myself, shit would be crazy. did you deal with a lot of dissociation?


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OfflineZiu
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23661059 - 09/20/16 09:19 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Yes, from mental storm to having back your body, understanding/feeling connection between body and mind. My traumas did not come from sexual abuse, so I believe that I cannot imagine intensity of feeling trapped that you experience. However I understand feeling of being trapped through traumatic experiences.

Feeling powerless is very easy to understand, after going through so heavy experiences. One thing about connecting to body is getting your power back also.

I have had years of some sort of dissociation. I created like another person in my head that carried traumatic experiences through ideas of vengeance, got powered by hate, unforgiving so merciless "voice" that dominated in my head. Some creation of past experiences, like two persons, one dominating and other with devastating feeling of guilt, the victim in depressive paralyzed state. But neither one of those weren't real. Just thought patterns, first with therapy (and weed) that I started to see, and not affirming with them blindly (as real as they felt). And when I really got into tripping, I could not close my eyes anymore. As things went on and progressed I discovered body connection, started stretching and to do a little yoga. That was the first part of my recovery I guess. My doses were modest then. Got little storytelling mode going. :laugh:

Anyway,
I suggest take one step at the time.
Take breaks between tripping,
so experiences have time to integrate in everyday life.

Surrendering (in powerful, positive way) is something that starts to integrate your everyday life also, with mushrooms it is just somehow easier to learn, because they will give lesson without asking.

Even you have been wounded very deeply,
there is something in you that no one can harm,
or no thought of self loath can stick to it,
yet it still something so strong that it can bare any thought,
maybe because there is no thought in it.
You can and will experience it sooner or later, time is just a reference here. :smile:

Maybe instead of recovery from something, it is a journey to discovering something.

I hope you have great discovery,
you already know lot about the bad stuff,
along the way you are going to meet yourself in a very different light,
there is so much good in you to realize,
and beyond good and bad
you truly already are.


Much love!


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: Ziu]
    #23661154 - 09/20/16 09:55 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

:smile:


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23664680 - 09/21/16 10:51 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I totally understand all of those voices! and you really hit the nail on the head about their personalities too. Thank you so much for putting that out there because it takes a little away from my crazy. I live with these voices and they seem to direct everything I do, not the real me whoever that is buried underneath all the talk and chit chat.

I did go to therapy and was honest about my tripping, but so much anger was coming to the surface, and I was having so much trouble just nodding to whatever she was saying. I wanted to rebel against everything for some reason, and that turned into me being an asshole to crying to being an asshole to walking out. eventually everything was a trigger. I was seeing her as an uncaring person. I couldn't believe that anyone would care about me, and for me that's scary because I am walking around like a ghost and feel pretty much doomed to stay like that my whole life. And weed does help, but I can't really afford it here and am considering moving to a state that sells it legally so I would at least have it be more affordable and available.

and I totally understand the not being able to shut your eyes anymore. I can't either, and then those old thought patterns try to do it for me and I just can listen to them like I used to so I'm pretty much spaced the fuck out all the time, stuck between wanted to do what I've always done and being too afraid to lift the veil, and then terrified to not lift the veil and live another ten years of my life like this!

And as far as the micro-dosing, what did you think? It usually pushes me to cry if I'm in a space that can hold me. When I dose large, things are just a little too much sometimes. And I do need to wait for things to integrate better and maybe concentrate on my physical being too, which has gotten so hard to do. I used to love working out and now I just feel crazy and cooped up in a gym for some reason. Sorry to ramble... not a lot of people want to hear this in my circle of friends right now. I'm starting to realize I really don't know how to help myself. My mental wheels keep me in a state of perpetual helplessness which is frightening to be aware of and then feel or think I'm powerless to do anything about it, but still questioning that. Lots of questions and not immediate answers. I'm also thinking of trying some LSD. I've only done it a couple times this year, so might be due on that. But like you said, don't want to overdo things and have too give myself time. Time is scary to me because I feel like I wasted a lot of it and I am constantly reminded of that now by parts of me that are either lying or telling the truth. I feel like I've lived most of my life underneath a rock and lying to myself about how great it all was when I was actually in a constant state of perpetual paralysis and/or fight or flight.


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OfflineZiu
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23670088 - 09/23/16 05:27 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

It's quite tricky to find good therapist, someone you connect with.
My breakthroughs came afterwards, of course seeing someone to share deep stuff was something really good to learn and opened my eyes many ways. Nowadays sharing and connecting with people close to me is much easier. I had good doctor for years, someone to rely on, and feel that I still do in case of emergency, even though I have not seen her in few years. That was/is important.

Weed is something that helped me during the dull time, when I was not able to feel joy at all, it kind of reminded me of my real self beneath. Of course it is easy to attach things that help and overdo medicating, but with moderation it is great medicine.

Feeling stuck between is tough and one thing about it, is that so easily you believe that feeling to be exactly true even if you are taking little steps forward it is not easy to see, when feeling takes over. In chinese medicine feeling stuck and also feeling of anger is related on liver, and therefore it can be helped through various things. I'm not able to get deeper into that here, but I just mentioned because it has played important role to how I understand myself better now. Everyone has of course own way and I can only speak from my experience.

I believe that you are not be able to suffer another ten years,
you have lifted the veil and going forward even if it feels like taking few steps or million miles back time to time.

Time is scary when you look back. Sometimes I almost believe that everything has been just waste of time. But time is conceptual, and depth of experience matter so much, years of darkness makes you feel the light (and they are equally important experiences) I feel that is your time to feel light, you know what it is, it is just hard to see it in the dark. :wink:

With no future proper planned I have this precious moment,
something beyond my thought and feelings, even if I'm remembering past things here in this post, I'm here.
Who or what I am, I cannot say. But somehow here.
Okay, I always get lost to being found, here stuff. :laugh:

Micro-dosing for me is somewhat like opening the door a little, that you can feel the wind blowing from outside, even hear birds, but at the same time not be able to go there experience the mystery, and that same wind starts to interfere my living in indoors, makes me agitated, more tense, because tension builds up that it can be released, but such subtle way that I cannot fully embrace it and let go.

This is your thread to ramble.
This is important now.
You have given me a lot think about and reflect,
such deep voyage that you are going through.
Respect.


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Offlinethesupersoap33
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: Ziu]
    #23674740 - 09/24/16 05:49 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

:smile:


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Registered: 06/28/16
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Re: 70 g wet, intention to help my PTSD [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23697692 - 10/01/16 04:35 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you again for your experience and info! You have me a lot to think about too. All I know is fear and as you stated, a paralyzed feeling and voices running in my mind that I identify with strongly
I've known about did disorder And trauma for some ungodly amount of time. Peace integration and occupying my body instead of running from it's sensations is what I desire. I've read a lot today about rock stars that committed suicide that had tried lsd and mushrooms etc. Clearly I'm searching for a remedy to avoid my own feelings of despair that are repressed. I want closure or safety or something. I fear depression and I don't want to overdo it on the tripping but I want to heal and be rid of my personalities.


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