Yesterday I took 26g of the mushrooms I've been growing. I'd actually planned to take them today, and head out to the park, but then I saw the weather forecast was heavy rain. And I was in a chilled positive mood and it just felt right.
I watched a documentary on the solving on Fermat's Last Theorem while I was coming up, which was really enjoyable. Maths is so mindbending and beautiful - the way everything connects. And the man who solved it had been dreaming about solving it since he was a child and he spent seven years in his study, just working away on the problem, and when he described his moment of revelation he got so emotional I was touched - and envious. To have a sense of purpose like that! By the end of the programme I was tripping on the faces and aware of multicoloured translucent patterns in the air.
After that I put on some birdsong and became overwhelmed by the beauty of it, I felt it was more beautiful than any music could be. I looked at pictures of the earth seen from space, and that was beautiful too. I was drawn to handle the crystals I have and saw pictures and beings in them. Colours were so vivid. I became aware of how many beautiful things I have in my life and vowed to take better care of them - too often I live in a mess.
I spent a long time just looking at the wall, which has woodchip wallpaper on it. The wall was breathing and moving and the texture kept forming into patterns. Then I became fascinated by the air itself and a glistening, gossamer substance I could see in it, like seeing the structure of light maybe.
At some point I moved downstairs and put on some music, which travelled through my body, feeling like healing. I had my notebook with me, thinking I might do some writing, but found I didn't want words. It was as though I had moved into a realm beyond words.
Then things took a darker turn. I felt drawn inwards, I curled up with my eyes closed and began to feel sad about my life, very aware of how hard it has been, and is, how often I am scared and sad and ashamed and cut off from all the beauty there is in the world. I felt lonely - I wanted to talk to someone but there was no one to call except the professionals, and I knew they wouldn't understand. It made me realise that I need to overcome my lack of self confidence and find ways to form connections with people. I remembered seeing one of my few friends earlier in the week, and how good our conversation had been. I need more of that, I need people in my life if I am to truly heal from the trauma of my past.
I wished I had some weed to smoke, but I don't have a source at the moment (I'm working on it), so I ended up taking a lorazepam and going to bed.
This morning I feel calm, and even though the last part of the trip was more "difficult" than the beginning I feel better, and less paranoid and anxious than I have for quite some time.
I will definitely trip again (need to grow some more) and I think next time I will take a higher dose - I needed this gentleness to start with, to remember what tripping is like (it's been a long time) but found myself at times desiring more intensity, and I think I will go out into nature. This sounds odd, but it felt as though that's what the mushrooms wanted me to do.
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Quote:
AroundtheSon said: You seem like you have a good heart.
One can learn much from the dark, as with the light.
Hope you have a refreshing day ahead of you today.
Thank you. I agree you can learn from the darkness - I feel that tripping, which I'm just venturing back into after twenty years, has much to teach me and while I do not expect it always to be "fun", especially given some of my issues, I am convinced that it can help me with them.
Today I have had a mild dose of poppy tea, which I like to do from time to time, and am just enjoying the feeling of wellbeing, relaxing on the sofa listening to music and reflecting on things.
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