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OfflineAbre Su Ohos
mushroom kitten
Female User Gallery

Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 284
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
I could really use ur help right now yall... * 2
    #23603897 - 09/02/16 07:28 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

i kno im not a regular poster at all, n only a few on here even prob recognize my username, but, basically heres watsup...


I really, really could use and would absolutely cherish any positivity/prayers/love that could be sent my way rn.


Life--
The past couplefew years for me have just become harder and soul crushing and onto being downright torture for me to even simply exist in this body and with this soul on this planet. I cant do it anymore, guys.. Fuk it.

It's Truly Sickening... it never fails--  Every single time i can alllllllllllmost feel my head emerging from these infested waters so that i am able to take a breath of Life, air, so easy and so simple, that allows the passage of one moment to the next-- I'm straight ripped back down to this lonely, cold, twisted, fucked up, isolating, mind fucking Darkness..

My days months years have all been spent trapped in a straight jacket, in an invisible room with my mouth sewn shut to remind me that its not only my life that's lost all meaning, purpose and hope... but that theres not even use in any desperate pleas for help..
"You naive stupid little girl, theres no one that really actually gives a flying fuck about you or ur feelings, you do know that right, u sad piece of trash? Oh, you already knew? GOOD" is the general gist of the only response to those pleas; only my brain is there to hear me, therefore only my brain is there to respond.

So lately the pain's been taking control again, and i can almost hear the laughter of this depression taunting me with my own fucking sole Memory of the Light & the air-- the one and ONLY experience i've ever cherished, loved, and hold onto so tightly i'd relive it over and over and over and over for eternity----
Something inside,.. my head laughs and taunts me, taking its fucked up pleasure in the Misery it serves me, after i dare allow myself this single vulnerability in attempt to hold on to the beautiful memory of what Life really once felt like...


What the FUCK did I do in a past life to warrant this sickness in my life.  I ask myself these questions all day. I get no answers. But the lack of answers is absolutely preferable to the torture of reality.  This is the captor that will be my demise, certainly.  Ive been finding myself wondering how soon it'll be until i finally Run away to die. I fiend for my death like an addict sometimes. 

Its so fucked up.  Idk what to do or say or think. I see no end in sight, no conceivable "solution" to this shit.  Its everything.  Its me.  Everythings not fixable.  Im not fixable.  Fuck it.



I have my quarterly appt. with both my psychiatrist and psychologist on Wednesday this week..
Its the only thing in recent memory that ive been able to look forward to and not instantly have instant/reflexive feelings of pain, sadness, regret, sorrow, shame, guilt, anger etc. so thatz good i guess........lol.

Were currently in the midst of a slight hurricane here in florida, so im going back to sleep till i hopefully get called out of work cus of flooding.
and i didnt plan on writing all of this. Sorry.
I just really could use any words of positivity or a fucking emoji hug, anything would mean something.
Its pathetic, i know.
just really wondering if im cray or anyone else has ever dealt w/ something close to what i described?


hope yall have a happy FridayGetHighDay, and labor day weekend. love yall.


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Invisiblesomething super extreme
NIGGA YOU A FUCK NIGGA!
 User Gallery

Registered: 10/29/12
Posts: 17,397
Loc: TURNT UP!
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos]
    #23603904 - 09/02/16 07:31 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

yea hella

420


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InvisiblepachooDiscord
Witchakookoo
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos] * 1
    #23603916 - 09/02/16 07:38 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I know those self hate coversations too well. I am going through some stuff at the moment so I cannot give the right kind of advice in what you should do right now. Because I do not know you that well and everything I had believed in to be hopeful is turning into nothing to me.

Do you talk to your doctors about everything you are having trouble with? Do they actively listen and care?

I believe it can get better for everyone when we feel the worst. Hang in there. We all have the capacity to break through to happiness.

:hug: :heartpump:


--------------------


:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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Offlinechulutu
Stranger


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 10/30/15
Posts: 751
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: something super extreme] * 1
    #23603920 - 09/02/16 07:40 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

positive vibes going your way man.

I noticed your in FLA, any plans to move out of the state?

I grew up there and me and my dad moving out when we had the chance has defintally changed my life for the better. I would hate to think of who i would have been/became if i stayed in that gator and poverty infested swamp.

Not trying to trash florida too much, but the tourism based economy around orlando where i grew up just seemed to put a damper on any plans of being successful or having a future when odds are you're going to end up working for 1/2 of what people in other states make and tips from foreigners who have never tipped before.


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Offlinedo it
Master of temporary solutions
Male


Registered: 06/01/15
Posts: 151
Loc: Korvatunturi
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos] * 1
    #23603926 - 09/02/16 07:45 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I really seldom even log in on this site, never had much to add to anything so I've just been lurking for years.
Living with emotional problems is somewhat familiar to me though, it runs in the family for me, and I recognize that feeling of remembering what good was but being unable to feel it. :/

All I can say is it can and will come back in time, just don't put pressure on it, of course this is easier said than done. But often when I get out of ruts, it seems that it kinda happened by itself.
What I would recommend to do during personally heavier times, is reading something by or watching videos with Eckhart Tolle. Sure, he is a bit "out there" but i find it at least a bit calming.


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OfflineThe Mycologist
Explorer

Registered: 05/06/16
Posts: 3,024
Last seen: 30 days, 7 hours
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: chulutu] * 1
    #23603942 - 09/02/16 07:56 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

It all is going to work out in the end. Nothing lasts. Just like the good times don't last, the sad times don't last either. Honestly maybe you should look into microdosing some shroomies.


--------------------
"That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.”
― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass
:acidfire::tmckenna:


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OfflineAbre Su Ohos
mushroom kitten
Female User Gallery

Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 284
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: The Mycologist] * 1
    #23604486 - 09/02/16 12:10 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

thank you guys srsly for the encouragement. it helps. to at least know other ppl have been thru this n made it out safely to the other side, ya know?
i purposely havent gone bak n read my post cus i was kinda just having a venting sesh on here and divulged semi-embarassing stuff.... but def wanna thank shroomery for even existing to allow me an outlet when i most definitely was at a breaking point last night.

the suns out this afternoon, birds are chirping, and i remember i used to like their songs, so today's a good day.


love yall.
thank you <3


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Offline5150
phantom
 User Gallery
Registered: 09/01/06
Posts: 5,437
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos]
    #23606454 - 09/02/16 10:14 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Do some running,even a tread mill in a gym works,I know the humidity sucks,lived in sarasota,watch some krishnamurti vids on ytube


--------------------
"the way of the warrior is the resolute acceptance of death"

Miyamoto Musashi


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OfflineLucisM
Nutritional Yeast

Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 1 month, 29 days
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos] * 1
    #23606479 - 09/02/16 10:22 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

You should post on here more, I know we're a ragtag bunch of hooligans, but sometimes it's good just to type things out, you know like how therapists say it's good to write your feelings down.

Some good folks browse shroomery, and will gladly listen to you and offer good advice.

Feel better dude.:hug:


--------------------
©️


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OfflineSeriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh
Male User Gallery


Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 2 hours, 6 minutes
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Lucis]
    #23606650 - 09/02/16 11:36 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

So sorry didn't read OP :facepalm:


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa
Slothie
That Kid With The face
ShLong
Le Canard
split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:


Edited by Seriously_trippin (09/02/16 11:51 PM)


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Invisible1234go
Ban Lotto Champion
 User Gallery

Registered: 07/08/09
Posts: 53,894
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos]
    #23606665 - 09/02/16 11:47 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Spread the butt.


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Offlinetimelapses
Life in free form
Male


Registered: 01/26/11
Posts: 4,600
Loc: in a shroomery prison
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos]
    #23607008 - 09/03/16 06:20 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Would like to drag you out of that hole buddy but can't.  All this will pass.  It may not be as dire as you make it out to be.


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OfflineAllGreyThumbs
Storage Container Aficionado
Male

Registered: 09/18/12
Posts: 849
Loc: Some savage little planet...
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: timelapses]
    #23607087 - 09/03/16 07:24 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

If you want to see some strange stuff take a look at what I wrote in this post.  Believe me, I know what it is like to look at this world and find nothing worthwhile for yourself.

https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/23599827/fpart/1/vc/1/nt/3

I see this world as a little backwater, shithole corner of reality.  I can even kind of sense that there is so much more than this often cruel and savage half animal existence.  I feel trapped inside this frail and feeble meatsack and yearn to be free from this type of existence.  While it is kind of taboo, I'll also say that I think about suicide every day.

I've even gone as far as to sit with a loaded pistol in my mouth and my finger on the side of the trigger.  I would sit there like that until it felt normal and I was no longer afraid.  Then I would get up and try to live, knowing that if the almost unbearable burden I carried got any heavier there was a way out.  Only by knowing that I wasn't really trapped have I been able to scrape by one day at a time.

I'd like to say, "Cheer up, life is great, go do something that makes you happy," but I can't because that isn't how I feel.  I also know it doesn't work like that.  Some people are enamored with life and easily find things to occupy themselves.  Other people perhaps think too much and ask too many questions.  We can't just fall in love with the next big idea that flits through our mind.

What I can say is that I understand and you are not alone.

I'll also say that I will actually try to listen and I won't just tell you to cheer up or go get help like most happy people will.

In fact I sometimes think that we place too much emphasis on happiness.  There is this idea that everyone is supposed to be off chasing some big carrot on a stick.  If you don't just run around playing the game of life like everyone else then there must be something wrong with you.

But what if life actually needs people like us, people that can't just believe in whatever ideas move "normal" people?  Maybe someone has to take a step back from obliviously happy playtime, and explore the harder states of mind.

Maybe not everyone is born to blindly play the game of life.  Maybe some of us are born to learn about the game of life.  In doing so it makes us different than most people.  The emotions and ideas that so easily move them become more like objects that we examine with detached indifference.  We can see happy, we can study happy, but every time we try to wrap ourselves in happy and be carried off into a normal life it just sloughs off and leaves us standing there exposed.

Me, I've stopped chasing happiness.  It doesn't work.  It is just a silly emotion, a chemical reaction in the brain of some ape like animal.  I don't want to fall back into the oblivious belief in such a thing.  I don't want to be swept whatever way the currents of the mind I'm trapped in take me.

I'm actually ok with not being happy.  I can stop being in love with life and continue with my study of it.  What are we, why are we here, what is the point of all of this, and how far can we rise if we really strive?  I'd much rather explore things like this then run around with a half psychotic, manic, shit eating grin on my face because some sports team won a game or something.

However there is a problem with being different than most people.  It can feel very, very lonely.  I've gone years and years without meeting anyone who seems to really understand me.  Years and years without interactions that I'd call deep and meanngful.  Years and years with only a vague connection to some non-human guidance, but years and years with no real human connection.

So I won't ever tell you to cheer up, or even to get help.  I'll just tell you that I understand and can listen.  There are other people out there that get it.

We have chosen some hard and lonely paths for ourselves.  It seems so much easier to just be normal and believe in the things that move most people.  However for whatever reason we really have chosen to be here in these lifetimes.  Maybe that reason is to send a shockwave through the world around us by going out with a big bang.  Or maybe there is something else, something that we have to find before we can embrace it.

Do what you need to do, but maybe consider trying to hang on a little longer.  Every deeply feeling person that checks out from this experience leaves it a little emptier for anyone who remains behind.  We need all the help, all the compassion, all the feeling that we can get in this admittedly dark corner of reality.  And maybe that is why we exist here.  Not to play, not to be a normal human being, but to bring a little bit of something deeper to the billions of souls for whom this superficial world is all they know.


--------------------
I only use drugs medicinally.  If I don't my knees hurt from kneeling down.


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InvisiblePrisoner#1
Even Dumber ThanAdvertized!
 User Gallery

Registered: 01/22/03
Posts: 193,665
Loc: Pvt. Pubfag NutSuck
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Abre Su Ohos] * 3
    #23607100 - 09/03/16 07:34 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Abre Su Ohos said:
Its me.  Everythings not fixable.  Im not fixable.  Fuck it.



I have my quarterly appt. with both my psychiatrist and psychologist on Wednesday this week..




depression is an evil monster that deserves a great deal of respect and you may feel
it cannot be fixed but it can be managed. if you're already on meds and this isnt
helping, you need to talk to the witch doctor and see about changing them and if
it's possible, increase the number of visits with him/her for the next 6 months so
you can dial in  the meds and dosage so you arent a complete zombie but the battle
in your head stops

you arent helpless or hopeless and you're not fucked.


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Invisibleazur
God of Fuck
Male User Gallery


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 28,103
Loc: Daid
Re: I could really use ur help right now yall... [Re: Prisoner#1]
    #23611169 - 09/04/16 12:09 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Ahhh. Sweet pris. Wise words though. :cheers:


--------------------


A cube is NOT a cube.

FALL IN LOVE WITH LC
FOTTSE!!!
ALL NOOBS READ THIS!!!



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