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TameMe
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Registered: 10/24/05
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On being "needy"
#23570575 - 08/23/16 08:48 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Soooo....
going through a shitty divorce...
and it's waaay too soon for me to even consider jumping into a serious relationship...
but it's what I feel like I instinctively desire to do.
I'm having to try to reason myself out of my urges...and be content with being alone with myself for awhile.
But then again....we're on this rock for a short time...if I'm more inclined to want a partner...why not dive right in...instead of suppress that...and "waste" time being single.
I don't know...I just feel like my base being...is one within a partnership....I don't feel like a complete being without a partner...and I don't like that I feel that way.
Edited by TameMe (08/23/16 08:55 PM)
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,819
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: TameMe]
#23570646 - 08/23/16 09:04 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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I don't see much of a quandary here. It is, I would say, unusual for someone exiting a serious relationship (and in such a shitty way) to want to enter another one immediately, but I think that's all it is -- unusual. If your heart and your gut say you'd like a new relationship right off the bat, I see no reason why you should deny it to yourself.
I wouldn't force myself to be alone if that's not I wanted. Don't worry about what other people think or might do.
My
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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TameMe
Stranger



Registered: 10/24/05
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what about the whole...i don't feel complete without another?
something tells me that isn't a healthy way of being.
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,819
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: TameMe]
#23570784 - 08/23/16 09:37 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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No, I think some people are just that way. I've known several. Outside of relationships they weren't themselves, and were prone to severe loneliness.
I think you're fine, man.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: TameMe]
#23571054 - 08/23/16 10:35 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
TameMe said: what about the whole...i don't feel complete without another?
something tells me that isn't a healthy way of being.
I'm going thru a divorce. I feel your pain.
I have two thoughts. The first isn't congruent with many of my other posts, but WTF, so what.
First, this word "needy" is always used in a bad light. To feel "needy" is embarrassing and lame and weak and nobody wants to feel "needy". What the hell. We are human beings. We are social creatures. We need people. To be needy is to be human. If I wasn't needy, I'd be a rock.
And, I like the idea that, instead of looking for someone to complete us (our "better half") we should find someone that makes us feel whole. I just heard this and I love it.
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,539
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: TameMe]
#23571860 - 08/24/16 05:00 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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this sounds like more perspective is needed
so much of life seems to be after "decisions" that were never really decided, they just happened, like a lottery, traffic, chemistry, or weather.
you are lucky to have a little pause, a chance to find your own rhythm.
--------------------
_ 🧠 _
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: TameMe] 4
#23572630 - 08/24/16 11:55 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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I resent the idea that we need anyone to make us feel 'whole'. I feel like it's culturally programmed BS. Sure, it's great being with a partner. I have been in and out of relationships since I was 15 (32 now) with my first long term at 18. After that ended 4 years later, I never gave up the search to find someone to be with.
Interestingly, it was only when I was NOT looking (was already with someone I'd gone looking for) at 27, that I met the woman who irrevocably changed my life in ways I could never have even dreamed of (I found both god and unconditional love through her) and I thought I would be with her for the rest of my days after the first night we spent together. At present, she's been in rehab for 13 months and has cut all contact with me. I've had to emotionally detach from her and accept that I could never take her back in order to allow myself to heal - it was the only thing I could do to stop the incredibly self destructive and overwhelming pain I've been in for the last 12 months.
I went a bit nuts after all the shit she caused before she left (violence, suicide attempts, and an infidelity, to name but a few) and jumped back in to dating women, even going all out polyamorous for a time. It wasn't actually intentional, I intended to wait for her, but an accidental fuck when very drunk lead to the floodgates opening. It was a part of my healing, and great having multiple sexually experienced and some very compatible partners, but it was OH SO hollow. I cut it all out a couple of months and several women later.
I since committed myself to celibacy for a period of 6 months, which just finished, but it is a path I fully intend on remaining on. I will never go looking for love/sex/a partner again. I know in my heart of hearts it will only be a distraction.
What I really need to find, above all else, it total peace, love, and happiness with MYSELF.
It's a fucking lonely path at times, I'll tell you that, but it is the most rewarding path I have walked since becoming 'relationship obsessed' at 18. I am happier in my own company than ever before. I laugh and just enjoy 'me' so much. I've discussed this path with a few people I consider extremely spiritually enlightened, and they have all said the same thing; 'walk this path, learn complete happiness and wholeness within yourself, and the person who will bring you everything you desire in another WILL find you'.
My lower, pleasure obsessed self kicks back against this message. HARD. I'm a massive hedonist, I LOVE being with women, and I'm a very sexual creature, and I know I could be out there fulfilling my desires with absolute ease (Tinder, anyone?). But my higher self knows the words above, that those I most respect have shared with me, to be true. I must be strong, I must be brave, and above all, I must be patient and committed to what I know is right.
I know it will bring rewards greater than I could even dream of.
It's a perspective worth consideration, if nothing else. Good luck doing the right thing for you OP.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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I don't want to be the devil, but...

Just say "No!" "Yum!"
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder



Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: TameMe] 2
#23574656 - 08/25/16 12:17 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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It's not a waste of time to be single after a divorce, it's a necessary recuperative time. Casual sex where I live in Miami is potentially hazardous even with condoms. Lots of sleaze and crazy down here. If all you want is a cool glass of water to rinse down the bad taste, you might be hurting a normal woman who is ready for a real relationship (because clearly you are not). You also need to discover who you are NOW, not who you think or remember yourself to be from before your marriage. You're not that guy anymore, and what's more, you need to lose the baggage before you attempt to connect with someone new, and believe me, you've got baggage. If you do not know how to enjoy solitude, your own company, then you are like an atom missing an electron or two, and your next covalent bond will only be a temporary stability. What you really need is nuclear chemistry - fusion of nuclei, but if you content yourself with mere electron-bonding, you will experience temporary and superficial relationships that will prevent a deeper more profound love relationship IMO. It's important to connect loin with loin, and head with head, but if you don't connect with values, heart with heart, it won't result in fusion and all you'll have is fission and splitting all over again. - MtG, 24 years post-divorce, and 20 years into a NEW relationship.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Yes if you want to scare away a woman come across as needy and smothering and she will bolt like Bolt.
Yesterday a crack/meth ho wandered onto my property practically demanding I drop everything and give her a ride 8 miles into town. Or at least how about a beer? I gave her the beer. It was odd the way some sketchy dude was barely ahead of her I suspected if I had left he would have been back. Oh first she wants to use my phone. Kind of amazing, tweekin hard that extra 8 miles would be nothing!
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Even down in Oregon you were a tweeker magnet. Wussup wif dat?
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RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 15 hours, 52 minutes
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
I resent the idea that we need anyone to make us feel 'whole'.
Might seem inconsistent with my previous comments, but I agree. We don't need anyone to feel whole.
Maybe it's a byproduct of the concept of marriage, where 2 become 1?
(The "better half" concept is insane. How does a couple decide who's the "better half"? Is it always the woman?)
And I've noticed in my life when I'm very needy, women don't want to talk to me, but when I'm the opposite of needy (feeling "whole", while alone) they're lined up to see me.
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RJ Tubs 202


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 15 hours, 52 minutes
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You can't tell the difference between a crack ho and a meth ho?
Snap a photo of her next time and I'll tell you. I know about these things...
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said: (The "better half" concept is insane. How does a couple decide who's the "better half"? Is it always the woman?)
It always is isn't it? It amazes me me how many men I meet seem in complete control of their lives, but see them with their women and they submit their testicles without a second thought just to 'keep her happy'. It's a pet peeve between my best friend and I and we often have a rant and a joke about it when we've been up all night and the laughter is flowing.
Damned if I'm ever gonna end up like that.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,819
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said: (The "better half" concept is insane. How does a couple decide who's the "better half"? Is it always the woman?)
It always is isn't it? It amazes me me how many men I meet seem in complete control of their lives, but see them with their women and they submit their testicles without a second thought just to 'keep her happy'. It's a pet peeve between my best friend and I and we often have a rant and a joke about it when we've been up all night and the laughter is flowing.
Damned if I'm ever gonna end up like that.
Fuckin' A.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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Jake the Cake


Registered: 07/24/16
Posts: 80
Loc: Under a rock
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: TameMe]
#23579070 - 08/26/16 09:13 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Don't fall in love with the rebound. If you were with one person for an extended period of time then why not give yourself a few choices rather than just settling for the next person that comes along. It's too easy to fall for the same type of person that you just got away from..unless you had someone in mind to be next all along? It's never a "waste" to spend time on yourself
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Jake the Cake


Registered: 07/24/16
Posts: 80
Loc: Under a rock
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Or to spend time banging a few rando's
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iiilil
Stranger


Registered: 01/08/16
Posts: 369
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Markos knocking it out of the park w/ that seasoned knowledge

OP, Marko's post is just about the best advice on this topic IMO. It's a harder road but far more rewarding. I also echo it from my experience through relationships I loved deeply in but for which we just headed down different paths.
I've done the rebounds and all sorts of other things. Best thing out of all the cases was taking some time to gather myself, learn how to value and love myself, and be whole all by myself.
From there, you end up on far better footing to meet someone who you can construct a further along 'home' with. The key is to remember that you need to be at home w/ yourself.
Edited by iiilil (08/26/16 05:40 PM)
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iiilil
Stranger


Registered: 01/08/16
Posts: 369
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said: (The "better half" concept is insane. How does a couple decide who's the "better half"? Is it always the woman?)
It always is isn't it? It amazes me me how many men I meet seem in complete control of their lives, but see them with their women and they submit their testicles without a second thought just to 'keep her happy'. It's a pet peeve between my best friend and I and we often have a rant and a joke about it when we've been up all night and the laughter is flowing.
Damned if I'm ever gonna end up like that.
Be careful on how you interpret this.... Some women actually provide a man with a refuge in which there is no need for them to be a brave and assertive brut because the woman respects them and values them whole-fully. In return, he gives her his love. Thus, she will never actively take advantage of him when he puts his armor down as she respects and acknowledges that he does for her out of love. In such an instance, from the outside, you see a man without armor. Yes, there is no need for him to have his armor on in this case. This is a healthy relationship between man and woman. They have made a 'home' together where they both can put their guards down.
There are instances in which a man allows a woman to put his testicles in a vice. This may be due to him acknowledging what will happen if he doesn't and the law thus cuts him down as it is designed.
There are instances in which a man has not yet received the respect from the woman he loves and thus works very hard for her to maybe finally 'see' and respect him.
There are instances in which the woman is just a @$*^! and doesn't know how to respect a man. There may be a man in this case that doesn't know any better and thus shacks up with her thinking she will change or thinking this is the way it should be.
It's hard for you to judge from the outside ....
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,819
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Re: On being "needy" [Re: iiilil]
#23580973 - 08/26/16 05:40 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Nah I think Jsb is right -- some guys are just pussy-whipped in the most pathetic way.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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