|
Anonymous #1
|
Not too sure where to go from here
#23562118 - 08/21/16 04:40 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Not that that's new... My best friends dead, couldn't trust my next closest friend and had to get rid him out of my life because it was messing with my head and my ability to trust others, basically a habitual gaslighter, maybe even sociopath... I'm not quite as close with anyone else as I used to be, I have trouble relating on grounds other then activity, largely because I'm too depressed to really be there even when I am. I'm totally lonely and haven't been in a relationship ever. I have really bad anxiety and have a hard time meeting people, let alone relating or making conversation even if we might relate. So since losing my best friend, I also drove away my closest lady friend, the only one I've known close to as long as her through an absolutely insane attachment to her, despite that she was in a long term relationship with her boyfriend. I think they broke up shortly after we stopped talking, which might kind of be my fault due to some messages I sent her that he might have read. IDK fuck that guy though either way lol.. The next closest girl I've ever been to, I fell really fucking hard for after/leading up to taking LSD together at the end of last summer... right before she moved to another state. First time I've seen her since not long after that summer was recently, both of us visiting another friend in a closer state so we would have time- she doesn't have time for me up there it wound up, after she invited me to come. So I came there, and was there for a week, she showed up for the last 2 days and pretty sure hooked up with our friend. I couldn't help having this nagging feeling the whole time that I knew they were much closer then me and her could ever be, possibly then I could be with anyone, so I left back home feeling crazy and continued to feel crazy until I finally wrote up a shithead love letter and made a piece of jewelry with a super pretty pink agate and mailed it to her. A week or more later she called me telling me how happy it made her. I was blown away, needless to say. We kept talking about stuff and she told me a few times that she loved me, but also called me her brother saying bye which tripped me the fuck out. That's not what I want to be to her, obviously, and so a few days later I call her instead of waiting for the letter back she said she would send to shed some more light. I stupidly tried to inquire if she knew what I meant by my feelings which I don't really know how to do very well, and she said a lot of confusing vague things that could be taken a lot of ways but basically said that she couldn't be in a relationship where she is, with me or anyone, even though she "has a lot of love" for me, because she thinks she hurt too many people in the past. I honestly fucking broke down on the phone because my brain couldn't comprehend what she was saying to me until she laid it out like that, all I could think was that she was letting me down softly, in a way that made me feel like I didn't even deserve a straight answer. Every other girl I've met in a long time seems to have no time for me. Sometimes I try to make plans that never seem to happen, with anyone, no matter the level of interest they display, like I'm not worth honesty or anything to anyone. One would always ditch out on our plans save one or two times, but always had time for friends of mine and hooked up with one before they basically just stopped. Another, I admit, I was afraid of getting attached because I knew she was moving, but after she moved I... kinda got a car and realized the distance wasn't that much and tried making plans to do things, but she never had time and eventually stopped answering and seemed to block her online status from me on facebook for a while... Then this other girl right now is going to another country for a month and we were going to record some songs before she left but now shes pretty legitimately going to be busy asf... all these girls arose out of friend groups, honestly thats the only way I meet anyone regardless of gender because my social skills are so bad, and I don't know how to approach that I fancy her when the only time we get to hang out is in groups of my much more masculine, socially-adept, talkative, flirtatious friends. I mean, I can't talk to people in groups worth a damn anyway but it doesn't help being the most anxious and awkward one there. At this point, I really wish I could be friends with the first girl again and try to keep my emotions platonic because I really felt we were great friends, beyond our similarities we helped talk eachother through things quite a bit and we were both always very happy in eachothers presence. It was a really healthy friendship, other then the crazy out of control feelings I developed that were not reciprocated. But she seems to have me on a no call list. I just want to be her friend and talk her through things and ask her advice on my women struggles because I don't know what I'm doing and she knows how I function better then anyone else alive, I swear. She stopped talking to me after my birthday, the last time I saw her, because I was uncomfortable with her inviting her boyfriend, although I allowed it. She left instead and later I attempted to thank her for considering me and she went into why I hate him and lots of other things and tore into me about how I can't be her friend because I had too strong feelings for her even though she seemed to be saying she always did, which she'd told me so many times? But now shes gone and I have so few friends and can't get close to anyone, I want my best friend back, I want her friendship back, I want enough back so that I can really figure anything out, but everything seems out of reach and I've been running on empty for a really long time. Sometimes I think I can't possibly make it through and I don't know what to do because I love her so much that after everything we talked about, if I ended my life she would link it back to her, I know it, no matter what I said she would because she knows how pathetic I am and my life has been, romantically and socially. I feel like I need to talk to her, if not to fix our friendship, to show her that if I don't make it through the things I'm going through it's not her fault, at least not entirely, and that it was just really hard to make it alone and I couldn't find anyone. I don't know what to do about things, I need to talk to her eventually but I don't know how and I don't want to show up at her (moms) house sounding like a deranged loser creep or something that still can't get over a thing. I know maybe three or four people, loosely including her sister, that could somehow get me in contact with her but any one would make me feel ashamed for good reasons, and yesterday I already decided to message one, an old mutual friend who moved before our falling out, not mentioning her or anything but just to catch up and he took to ignore it. Probably because she told him that I'm crazy for her.
So I have nobody to talk to, seems like nobody to pursue, everyone I meet reminds me of how alone I'm going to continue to be because nobody has any time for me ever. Fuck my life.
|
SuperFly
Still in the Space Race



Registered: 05/19/13
Posts: 1,032
Loc: Dark side off the moon
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23562135 - 08/21/16 05:06 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Well from what I was reading it sounds like you are looking for love in all the wrong places. You can't force love onto somebody, it just happens. When it does happen you will know. You said something about recording music together, are you a musician?
|
Anonymous #1
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: SuperFly]
#23562744 - 08/21/16 11:26 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
I don't want to force love on anyone, I just want to find it in someone... even beyond honest-to-god love, I don't understand why I seem to be so solely unable to have like, a fling or something even. Its weird seeing all these people have these small things knowing it couldn't be you ever because you're too weird.
But yeah, I am..
|
SuperFly
Still in the Space Race



Registered: 05/19/13
Posts: 1,032
Loc: Dark side off the moon
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23566038 - 08/22/16 01:39 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
dont let society tell you that you are weird, fuck that you are awesome!
As for the love thing dont stress it.. the harder you search for it the further away it will become. i went my whole life not even wanting a relationship and now im supposed to get married this year. be careful on how you open up to a girl you are feeling too because if you do it to soon it may just drive them away for good.
i know it gets lonely but maybe try doing some soul searching. being a musician is a huge, huge plus. i wish i could play and i plan on learning a instrument soon. try expressing yourself through your music. if you're having a hard time meeting new people, try jamming out at the park or kickbacks/parties while smoking a blunt or joint. people dig music in general especially women. once you find that girl that you are catching feelings for write her a song, i feel that is way better than writing a letter for somebody.
|
Anonymous #1
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: SuperFly]
#23568029 - 08/23/16 02:06 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Singing is out of the question for me, my voice is kind of... not appealing.
I've tried doing soul searching, and I feel I need someone to reflect off of at this point to continue my growth.
I don't think I can open up too early, rather too late, but too strong is always possible.
I like seriously can't stop wanting to reach out to this girl that won't talk to me anymore. I can't tell what would be worse, if I reached out and failed to make things any sort of right, or if I just never did and wound up dying alone some time from now.
Edited by Anonymous (08/23/16 02:10 AM)
|
SuperFly
Still in the Space Race



Registered: 05/19/13
Posts: 1,032
Loc: Dark side off the moon
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23568121 - 08/23/16 04:13 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
im not trying to judge you or anything but it seems you have some self confidence issues. Low confidence is a turn off for women. every heard the term "act as if?" act as if you have a huge cock and you dont care if these girls like you are not. show that you are interested but not trying to do some romantic shit right off the bat.
maybe go get some coffee with her and go for a walk in the park and jam out a little bit. show her some new tunes you've been coming up with while staring at the moonlight stars. if you are insecure about your voice dont even sing, just start jamming and going from there.. maybe teach her a cord or two. once you start vibing well go in for a kiss to see if she is interested.. guarantee if you help her play guitar you will at least get some make out sessions. dont go for writing random love letters, wait for that in the future maybe after you hit it once or twice.
if you end up tripping with this girl you are fancying again try giving her a massage, and a damn good one baby oil and all.. girls nowadays are really slutty and dont want some romantic shit right off the get go. most girls i meet now adays just want to fuck.
also dont let some girl distract you from finding "THE" girl. "the girl" could be somone you meet here in the next week or two..
idk your screen name but if you need someone to talk to about your problems im here for you brother, i feel your pain of what it feels like to be not accepted. dont let the feelings of thinking of being alone for ever get to you, you are basically fighting a losing battle against youself. from these past post you've sent me you seem insecure, but fuck that dude i think you're awesome and if some bitches "excuse me if they are not in you eyes" want to outcast you because you are keeping it too real for them, then fuck them they are fake and weren't really friends to begin with. just my opinion, i would radther be alone and loney than be around a bunch of fake ass people.
one more thing, as for these girl you have already opened up too and sent loveletters and all that it might be too late for them. you cant be so clingy right way because it is a turn off.
|
Anonymous #1
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: SuperFly]
#23569641 - 08/23/16 04:28 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
I know its likely too late for them, even though the last one seemed to feel the need to let me know nothings certain and its more a general thing about relationships then me but that could be bullshit.
I still desire to be close to these people I've connected to so well and desire to be friends at the least. One of the one from my birthday, she introduced me to this girl a long time (who had a boyfriend, honestly I think she might have though she was single and was trying to sorta hook us up or something?? she mentioned introducing us ages before doing so...) and this chick keeps liking my stuff on facebook and has sent me a few snapchats... part of me wants to try to reach my friend through her even though that's hugely inappropriate and I know it is.
|
SuperFly
Still in the Space Race



Registered: 05/19/13
Posts: 1,032
Loc: Dark side off the moon
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23571108 - 08/23/16 10:52 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Sorry if I came off as a dick in my last post, I was on MDA and Xanax last night so I don't really remember typing it lol.
You want to hit up the girl that's liking your stuff on Facebook? But she has a BF? Sorry I didn't really understand the last part. And you put "had" a BF so take it she is single now, maybe she was digging you and was telling her friend to try and hook you up so she can leave the other guy.
|
Anonymous #1
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: SuperFly]
#23580746 - 08/26/16 04:22 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Two different girls and, well, I mean I mentioned several here but girl A) long time friend, thought we loved eachother but I was too attached and too lonely and kind of went crazy over, she was in a relationship that lasted I think about two years or almost, but she stopped talking to me after my birthday kind of because of him? More like a personal issue she decided she had with me because my feeling were way too strong. Pretty sure they broke up a few weeks at the most after we stopped hanging out. She always talked about wanting to be single, even in her previous relationships, but just found herself attached to people and thus dealt with it. Girl B), girl A) introduced me to a while before we stopped hanging out, but I remember her wanting to introduce us a long time before that. She had/has a boyfriend and I'm not super interested in her or anything, shes cool, lives somewhere else, I met her a couple times, whatever basically, but since meeting her I see her stuff on my facebook feed all the time, she posts a lot of stuff but always shows up on my top friends and stuff even though we don't talk really. We occasionally like eachothers posts but thats it, idk why shes always on my top friends so consistently unless she watches my account for girl A or girl A uses her account since she doesn't have one? Thats pretty unrealistic tho lol. She uses her sisters ofc. Still, some things come across as things shes sharing for girl A for me to see? But I'm crazy.
Girl A said she was never interested in me like that, just in the platonic friends sort of way, but she told me she loves me and it even sounded like she was saying it when she was basically saying "fuck out of my life", I'm at the point where I could use friends, and I don't really understand what to do about anyone I meet which makes me feel like I need the kind of female friend that can help me with that kind of stuff without making me feel like a total loser freako, which probably can only really be her. I honestly just want to be friends at this point and I don't know if I'm ready but I think I might be and if I'm not I might not even be alive in a year if I don't do something so I need to figure something out.
|
Anonymous #1
|
Re: Not too sure where to go from here [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23580946 - 08/26/16 05:32 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Also you didn't come off as a dick, just maybe a little out of touch with reality... but could just be my reality xD
|
|