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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
struggling hardcore
    #2354654 - 02/19/04 02:22 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

hey guys i don't usally throw myself out here like this but i am struggling sooo hard right now that i feel the only way is to jus give up and die. i had an ego death experince bout 3 weeks ago and it has totally changed me up till last night,i felt as though i was experincing true love for the first time of my life and growing in a faith that has alwas been there jus new to me,well anyway i was fighting the good fight between ego,motive, and will when i felt like i was'nt ready to let go of something it's like i would let go and pick it back up well anyway after a few days of this it started hitting on a anger spot and in the heat of the moment its like i told God that i would rather go to hell than serve, well now i feel as though God has taken His hand off of me my peace is gone and it's really bothering me, i was so close to God and now im so far it seems i can't stand bieng without Him and i feel that life is useless without Him. i mean He is the reason im here i was born for this purpose to serve Him. He is so dear to me it's just when i get angry im tempted to take it out on Him.And by all this my sin and all i feel so bad that life is not worth living and to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.it's like since this whole mystical experince has taken place i have been fighting like nobodys bussniess and staying on top fer the most part ive quite smoking ciggs, pot, drinking,but it's like now i can do all those things with ease.it's like that drive to do good has left, i m at my ropes end here i feel :frown:


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"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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Onlinewrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
Male User Gallery Arcade Champion: Chopper Challenge

Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 11,599
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 3 minutes, 17 seconds
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2354989 - 02/19/04 03:57 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

first off....relax. ego death is a very powerful thing, and coming out of one into reality again can be a bumpy road sometimes. dont do anything stupid man.

god has not left you...hes still right there, you just got to open your eyes. and besides, you think your suicide would make the matters better? somehow i doubt that killing ourselves is what god had intended for us.

care to talk a little more about what exactly is upsetting you?


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: wrestler_az]
    #2355134 - 02/19/04 04:28 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

it's just i dont have that peace nor that drive to do good it feels like maybey it's just a test or something but i cant stand it, ive barely been able to sleep scince this has happened maybey i just need some knock out pills or something it's just hard finding out one minute that youve been called into this eternal love that so real and true and the next it feels like it's been stripped from ya and your on ur way to hell


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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InvisibleArmFromTheAbyss
Old Hand

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 1,364
Loc: Down here in Babylon
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2355189 - 02/19/04 04:37 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Existence is positive and negative superimposed over each other. Dark and light. This balance gives us everything, however a lot of times it seems unbalanced.

All I can say is that the good feeling is not gone forever, hang in there.
:laugh:


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/24/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2355193 - 02/19/04 04:37 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

hey guys i don't usally throw myself out here like this but i am struggling sooo hard right now that i feel the only way is to jus give up and die. i had an ego death experince bout 3 weeks ago and it has totally changed me up till last night,i felt as though i was experincing true love for the first time of my life and growing in a faith that has alwas been there jus new to me,well anyway i was fighting the good fight between ego,motive, and will when i felt like i was'nt ready to let go of something it's like i would let go and pick it back up well anyway after a few days of this it started hitting on a anger spot and in the heat of the moment its like i told God that i would rather go to hell than serve, well now i feel as though God has taken His hand off of me my peace is gone and it's really bothering me, i was so close to God and now im so far it seems i can't stand bieng without Him and i feel that life is useless without Him. i mean He is the reason im here i was born for this purpose to serve Him. He is so dear to me it's just when i get angry im tempted to take it out on Him.And by all this my sin and all i feel so bad that life is not worth living and to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.it's like since this whole mystical experince has taken place i have been fighting like nobodys bussniess and staying on top fer the most part ive quite smoking ciggs, pot, drinking,but it's like now i can do all those things with ease.it's like that drive to do good has left, i m at my ropes end here i feel




-Are You still Alive?


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: ArmFromTheAbyss]
    #2355209 - 02/19/04 04:40 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

amen, thanks guys jus trying to make scence outta all this and learning what Gods will is for me in the process.


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/24/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2355222 - 02/19/04 04:42 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Try to imagine what the experience meant to you, without bringing God into the mix.

Try not to confuse God with the experience.


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: GGreatOne234]
    #2355243 - 02/19/04 04:45 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

but the experiance was about God, go to trip tips and read report


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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Onlinewrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
Male User Gallery Arcade Champion: Chopper Challenge

Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 11,599
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 3 minutes, 17 seconds
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2355508 - 02/19/04 05:45 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

actually, i think the trip was about you, not god. maybe thats why you are having such a hard time dealing with it.

i had a trip, somewhat similar to yours, and it turned out that is was not GOD judging me, but myself. maybe you arent happy with the decisions you have been making, and you (being in denile maybe) manifested the whole god thing into your trip so you could indirectly judge yourself.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineOook
Oook!

Registered: 08/19/03
Posts: 533
Loc: England
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: wrestler_az]
    #2356169 - 02/19/04 08:10 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

It's all about what has happened, not what is happening. Good situations come and go, the same can be said for bad situations.

when could it ever be said that God affected the outcome of something tangible in our lives? You can be made to feel good about bad shit because god is said to be there for you but the same could be said about any placebo drug.


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
 User Gallery

Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2356637 - 02/19/04 09:45 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I agree with wrestler_az about how it is you judging yourself.  I have different beliefs than you so I can't elaborate too much.  You believe in God and you believe that He has basically deserted you.  That's not true.  God is said to love all His children and forgives all His childrens sins.  He's still there for you, watching over you as He always has.  Maybe He realizes that you need some time to figure things out on your own.  Figure out who you are as an individual.  Don't give up.  Are you feeling this way because you are losing faith?  Maybe you should broaden your horizons.

I can't really get too indepth with this because I have different opinions on religion and I'm not here to preach or try to persuade you to believe in what I believe in.  All I can say is that it will get better.  Just hang on and don't give up on yourself.  Try to relax and breathe.  Don't stress yourself out over whether or not God has given up on you.

I'm sorry I couldn't help out more on your situation but maybe if you would like to talk, feel free to message me on msn ( lilsecret21@hotmail.com ) or aim ( sykobsh ).  I'm usually around and I'm always willing to help.  Keep your head up.  We're all here for you.

Take care. :heart:


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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OfflineAtomisk
all forms areself awareness

Registered: 02/09/04
Posts: 164
Loc: jungle of love
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2356882 - 02/19/04 10:42 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

its just typical conditioned christian guilt over something perfectly human and ok


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o house-builder! thou art seen. thou shalt build no house again. all thy rafters are broken. thy ridge-pole is shattered.


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Invisiblesakura
Aussie Expat

Registered: 02/08/04
Posts: 592
Loc: Japan
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: peleg]
    #2358194 - 02/20/04 08:05 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

The story of Mark is a useful lesson.  Paul lamented that Mark 'loved the things of this world more than the things of God', but, at the end of his life requested Mark's presence as he was 'useful to him in his work'.

All of us have things we aren't willing to give up.  Sometimes, we live our lives without the issue ever coming to a head, sometimes not. 

The God I know usually says "OK...  Stay there for a while then.  That stuff you're holding on to isn't good for you and it's stopping you from growing as you should, but we can work it out together when you're ready (But I might remind you occasionally)"

'Satan' means 'Accuser' quite literally.  It's fairly safe to assume that a coviction which leads to repentance and reform comes from above.  A conviction which has you wanting to do something which you know is totally outside the rules comes from somewhere else.

One day, you & I both are gonna have to bite the bullet and take a really hard look at some of this stuff (but not today :smile: ).  'Till then man, you don't have to be perfect to be good.

(Now I'm waiting for the flames... It's not cool to believe in the Devil - at least not unless you are a Satanist anyway...)


--------------------
Shrooms aren't everyone's cup of tea... (Some folks just eat 'em)


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: struggling hardcore [Re: sakura]
    #2362823 - 02/21/04 08:53 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

kudos to all ya'll man, i can say that yaaeh it was a struggling of faith, a very humbling lesson in life that has turned around fer the better, a test so to speak if you will, the only way the devil can really attack and gain ground is thru a lack of faith,and im learning that anger is not something that you would want to hang on to fer very long,it's got to be dealt with in order to move on.My brother plays bass very well and he always says that it's as hard or as easy as you make it to be, so i guess that can be said about life, whats the saying when life looks like easy street there is danger at your door ujb,im not saying that life can be easy living the good life but if we give into lies and unfaithfullness or unbeleif it can be a whole lot harder than it really is or was meant to be, so the love and peace of Christ be with every one of ya'll and your familys


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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