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InvisiblePaulyAnna
Male


Registered: 09/01/15
Posts: 200
Marriage ran it's course. . .
    #23545240 - 08/15/16 08:15 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Well. . . after 13+ years of marriage I've finally it settled in my heart to file for divorce. I had the papers in hand 3 years ago, but just couldn't bring myself to fill them out and follow thru.

I have peace in my heart regarding this decision, but my mind is full of frequent chatter of how it's all gonna unfold once my wife gets notice.

I'm trying to stay positive and look at how good will come, but thoughts of fear, anxiety, worry, insecurity, etc continue to come.

For years, I deeply believe both her and I have remained in the marriage because of our 9 year-old son, and during these years we've behaved and interacted as roommates endeavoring to see raise him the best we can. . . but that's been difficult at times too.

Any advice from someone who's walked this path or similar, please give some encouragement or wisdom as how to make the best out of it.

Lastly, I'll be filing for divorce in mid to late fall.


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Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be


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Offlinenuds
Male User Gallery


Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 578
Loc: Australia, NSW Flag
Last seen: 6 months, 6 hours
Re: Marriage ran it's course. . . [Re: PaulyAnna]
    #23545303 - 08/15/16 08:37 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

My parents divorced when I was 5. I know children are a major worry for many parents that do decide to split up, but in my eyes theres no need for it. By having my parents split up I got to live in two different houses in two different parts of the country(which I thought was awesome), and they taught me things in their individual ways instead of together, allowing me to get two different perspectives on things and situations. My only piece of advice im probably warranted to give, is to not move away from your child, and vice-versa for your wife also. Keep up constant contact and always be within reach. My dad moved far away once my sister and i hit our teens and it majorly fucked our relationship with him up and our opinions of the sort of man he was. Before then, things were peachy.

My two cents. Good luck with everything.


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OfflineBlas
Stranger
Male

Registered: 11/16/15
Posts: 57
Last seen: 19 hours, 48 minutes
Re: Marriage ran it's course. . . [Re: nuds]
    #23545324 - 08/15/16 08:48 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

I divorced 4 years ago.  As long as you two can keep it civil and friendly and file as no fault (depends on state) it should be relatively painless.  Figure out who gets what without fighting.  Try not to hold grudges and no matter how good it is you will both have some hurt feelings.  In my case, my life greatly improved after the divorce. 

Even if you live in a state where you can do the divorce papers yourself, get a lawyer.  Even an inexpensive lawyer works if it isn't a contested/messy divorce.  They can get things done so nothing comes back to haunt you in later years.  Hold onto marriage and divorce dates for the rest of your life.  You will need them for Social Security/marriage/legal reasons down the road.


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InvisiblePaulyAnna
Male


Registered: 09/01/15
Posts: 200
Re: Marriage ran it's course. . . [Re: Blas]
    #23545858 - 08/16/16 01:18 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks Blas & nuds, I appreciate the advice.

Did either of you have excessive stress during the divorce? If so, how did you manage it?

During the last couple years of the failed marriage I've found a refuge in yoga. I'm seeing the necessity to start a regular meditation practice. I also would like to journal daily, but don't want it to be discovered by anyone. Occasionally I'll hang out with a close friends who understand my situation and are usually good at listening and giving advice/encouragement.


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Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be


Edited by PaulyAnna (08/16/16 01:19 AM)


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OfflineBlas
Stranger
Male

Registered: 11/16/15
Posts: 57
Last seen: 19 hours, 48 minutes
Re: Marriage ran it's course. . . [Re: PaulyAnna]
    #23546423 - 08/16/16 09:45 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Divorce is one of the most stressful things you can go through.  You will grieve and you will think of your ex at the oddest and sometimes most inappropriate times.  I was lucky that my ex and I were mutual in our decision.  If one person wants to divorce and the other doesn't it makes it very hard.

I ended up starting smoking again (i quit again one week after the divorce was finalized).  I threw myself into my work.  I also did the things I enjoy doing that I hadn't done as much of since her and I got together.  If you want another relationship in the future, even just a passing thought, you could sign up for OK Cupid or another dating site.  Browsing dating profiles helped me because it reminded me there are plenty of fish in the sea and there had to be somebody out there who was truly right for me.  Four months after my ex and I separated I ended up meeting the woman who became my second wife. 

If you have depression issues,  or have a hard time, go see a therapist or councilor if you can afford one.  I did for a couple months and it was nice to have somebody to talk to who wasn't involved in my life.


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: Marriage ran it's course. . . [Re: Blas] * 1
    #23546609 - 08/16/16 11:21 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Im going through divorce too. Wasn't mutual but I'm seeing that my life could be better with her as my friend and co parent. I've found solace in playing music and being healthier.
I've had women interested in me as well but I'm working on me first.

Haven't filed papers yet but we will be separated for a year in november. still live together but separate rooms. Its tough at times because I still feel like a husband and father in that situation, not just a father.


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[center


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Marriage ran it's course. . . [Re: PaulyAnna] * 3
    #23548328 - 08/16/16 09:53 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

JohnnieYen said:
I've had women interested in me as well but I'm working on me first.



This is where I'm at. I went a little nuts after my wife was gone and fucked around but it just left me feeling hollow. I forced myself to take a vow of celibacy for 6 months, which is now up, but is gonna continue cause... now I'm on a path where I'm really learning to be happy with me.

I'm beginning to see the fruits of my labour too; I enjoy my company more. I laugh at my thoughts several times a day and talk out loud a lot, often very playfully, when no one can hear me. I'm more comfortable in my own skin than ever before, and I don't have to worry about my inner critic coming down on me for every mistake.

Synchronistic signs remind me that this is the right path for me right now. I was telling my therapist what a ball ache it is to be surrounded by attractive women (Central London) every day, to know that, with things like Tinder around now, I could be banging a few new women a week ('and then some' was her reply..) but I know that I'd only be doing myself a disservice. This is the time when I have to draw on all my strength and not give in to self sabotage. I've done loads of that in the 12 months since she left, and it's about time I moved on.

I wish you all the best in your hard battle PA. You seem like a wonderful person and based on what I've seen you say before I've no doubt you're gonna come out of this a better person for it. It gets fucking rough at times this healing game though.

I feel your pain brother.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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