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blewmeanie



Registered: 10/01/06
Posts: 28,984
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Rhizohunter]
#23558397 - 08/19/16 09:31 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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You begin nearly every sentence with I.
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 8 hours, 11 minutes
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: blewmeanie]
#23558429 - 08/19/16 09:39 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Love it so far
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: blewmeanie]
#23558447 - 08/19/16 09:43 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
blewmeanie said: You begin nearly every sentence with I.
Well, it is my mind on paper. It is not so much a "story" as an understanding of a godheads life and mind. What a person with my condition observes and how he interprets it into his own reality.
I am free writing, and then I go back and make it more appealing to the reader. I just flow with my thoughts, I am mostly interested in making people think. If you aren't sparking interest within your mind when you read, than what's the point.
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blewmeanie



Registered: 10/01/06
Posts: 28,984
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Rhizohunter]
#23558523 - 08/19/16 10:13 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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THIS THREAD IS NOW ABOUT STEALING YOUR WORK AND REWRITING IT. GO.

At Olean general I began to suspect secret combinations moving against me. Believing all the nurses were trying to kill me,I threw myself headfirst from the window. It was locked; conspiracy no doubt.
Despite suspecting their plans to poison me, I asked for an aspirin. I received cyanide, I know it. Let my sacrafice serve a greater good. The death of a god.
You think me strange? I'll not pee in your damned cup. The voices warning echoing in my mind, I drop the cup in the toilet. Again and again they persist, but i will not be fooled. With my power returning I can see their scheming even in the dark. Secreting myself away from their prying eyes, my mind unfolds amoung the objects of a dark bathroom.
At that moment from the warmth of a strange puddle, she appears, and I follow. She may find me a bother, but the voices drive me on.
I hear their whisper. "This one is important" and "teach her the lesson of fear".
She thinks she fooling me, talking on the phone. I slam my book at her feet, looking deep through her eyes, and she knows. She knows. She may try to hide, but the voices show me where to look.
"Now, look up", the voice comands! And there she is. You may hide, but the voice knows, and what the voice knows, I know. Our mind unrolled across what can not be know. I am one with the voice. The echo of my thrown books penetrate all with the harmonic of our communion. Telepathy of the damned. I leave the nurses to my silence.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: blewmeanie]
#23558647 - 08/19/16 10:48 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Meh, no real understanding from that. I just gave you guys a fraction of my book, you don't see how it is all connected.
This is what my book is really...
I see my reality as a twist from a reality which is brought about from a change within my thought processes. I can't help but think something and find a reaction which mimicks it. The world around me is just so fantastic at finding a reciprocation for my thoughts that I develop these realities that are absurd.
My realities could be substantial to understanding ideas about how life works, but they are so bizarre that you have to question the structure of how life works altogether. Breaking it down is the goal, but throughout that process you have a bunch of coincidences that throw you off. Is it possible to manipulate the questions of coincidence and bring forth only thought of synchronicity when it comes to these bizarre answers?
We will never know completely, but I hope to intrigue thought throughout my book.
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blewmeanie



Registered: 10/01/06
Posts: 28,984
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Rhizohunter]
#23558722 - 08/19/16 11:21 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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It was meant to be a joke. I guess i failed at that. I wasnt trying to clarify anything.
If i can be blunt, you haven't said anything thought provoking or even enjoyable to read. It the same uninteresting drivel scratched in notepads by selfinvolved teeneagers everywhere. The thoughts documented are simple, boring, and uninformed by life experiences. Nothing has been "broken down" as you say, and a great deal of it is flat out meaningless.
That said, keep writing. Writing is great. Its one of those things you cant help but get better at. And even if youre terrible at it like me, its still rewarding. Write what uou know though, not some self mythology. Try rewriting the experience documented in the first post, but in a way that communicates the ordinary tactile experience. your subjective perspective will come though in the subtext, without stating it explicitly.
For example, you could write pages and pages on just this line.
" I start to follow this girl around and it is as if I am a nuisance to her."
What girl? Tell us about her. Even a simple description will go further to show us thenway you see the world. What was she doing, where qere you going? The ordinary stuff. People skip over the interesting, and drine on endlessly about what they think qill be interesting. Its not.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: blewmeanie]
#23558770 - 08/19/16 11:39 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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I think I have so much information that it is hard to depict a story from it. It is possible that there are so many interesting things happening that the world can't understand what is going on.
I will take your advice, but my book is mainly a series of events that question this reality. It is confusing how "this" and "this" could be connected in this way. I don't expect to be an amazing writer, but I see my reality as beyond interesting.
Thanks for the advice though, let me give you an example of fucked...
My grandfather is similar to me, he is supposedly bi-polar and schizophrenic and I was in jail for a little bit of time but was hearing all these things about my grandfather believing he was a healer. This is not unique to our family, we all have had experiences that cannot be explained by basic thought. My grandfather thought that he could heal and save the sick and it was coming from god above. My grandfather brought me into his room and sat me down. He was convinced that I had a demon in me and I said "I know grandpa, they will not leave me". He said that he would pray for me and cast these demons out, but I knew it would not work. I was dealing with some powerful entities at the time and it was difficult for me to sit in that room. He was doing this thing where he was speaking in tongues, and I am perfectly okay with this. I understand speaking in different languages and to hear my grandfather "go" made me feel good. My grandfather speaks in tongues at me and what I hear in translation within my mind is "I am the living god and I command these demons out of you" and at this point I hear the demons laugh. I become angered by this because I look at my old grandfather and think to myself, "how could you do this to this old feeble man", he needs comfort and guidance into the next life, not a bunch of entities fucking with his head". This is where I say some important words to my grandfather, and they are words that he actually understood. It is a connection that we had that I do not have with any other person in my family. I said "grandpa, you can't listen to everything they say, they do not always tell the truth, I want you to remember that". He looked at me and said "okay David" and we left the room.
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ReposadoXochipilli
Here, there, inbetween



Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 7,501
Loc: Sand and sunshine
Last seen: 20 days, 5 hours
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Rhizohunter]
#23558813 - 08/19/16 11:56 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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David lo pan ...
--------------------
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blewmeanie



Registered: 10/01/06
Posts: 28,984
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Rhizohunter]
#23558895 - 08/20/16 12:43 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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See, that an interesting story. Flesh that out.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Rhizohunter]
#23558934 - 08/20/16 01:09 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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You need to work on your prose, your sentence structure, and the type of words you use more. Especially consider rephrasing sentences like these, "I probably pissed on the floor instead of the toilet because you really can't aim when you are in a dark room."
You need to captivate the audience with your linguistic capabilities. Your paragraph sounds more like when somebody is talking very casually. It reminds me of 6th grade level writing. Too many short sentences in a row. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be mean or demean you or your work. But if I were an editor, I would not pass this.
Edited by Crystal G (08/20/16 07:56 AM)
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 4 days, 11 hours
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Crystal G]
#23558990 - 08/20/16 01:39 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Better writing some adventurous fictional story with a light hearted comedy. Who wants to carry a burden as your own heavy thoughts among the whites of clouds. Be sinking like an ACME anvil onto our good ol' man Coyote. Thanks Moore.
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
Edited by WhoManBeing (08/20/16 01:40 AM)
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Seriously_trippin
Cosmic Guru Ganesh



Registered: 07/12/13
Posts: 14,473
Last seen: 8 hours, 11 minutes
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Crystal G]
#23558997 - 08/20/16 01:42 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
WhoManBeing said: Better writing some adventurous fictional story with a light hearted comedy. Who wants to carry a burden as your own heavy thoughts among the whites of clouds. Be sinking like an ACME anvil onto our good ol' man Coyote. Thanks Moore.
Don't agreeQuote:
Crystal G said: You need to work on your prose, your sentence structure, and the type of words you use more. Especially consider rephrasing sentences like these, "I probably pissed on the floor instead of the toilet because you really can't aim when you are in a dark room."
You need to captivate the audience with your linguistic capabilities. Your paragraph sounds more like when somebody is talking very casually. It reminds me of 6th grade level writing. Too many short sentences in a row. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be mean.
Agreed
-------------------- R.I.P Zombi3, Blue Helix Modest Mouse Zappa Slothie That Kid With The face ShLong Le Canard split_by_nine & Big Worm Forever Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many
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Buckthorn
Stranger

Registered: 07/25/08
Posts: 4,560
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i am diagnosed on anti-psychotics
the original shamans were people who left the tribe and isolated themselves in caves (Muhammed)
they would leave their families and return with inspiration
I'm on Social security and i pay back what was earned by my ancestors by cleansing the environment of the parasitical citizen's illegal waste washed into the local stream
i also update technology in my mind and give it away and see the commercials of my inventions
being diagnosed is a curse.. now all of my peers are out of college and there is no teacher in the community college who can teach me so here i am on the internet
your story is relatable and i enjoy it
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Adden

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 39,201
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Buckthorn]
#23559079 - 08/20/16 03:00 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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I've found reading helps a lot with borderline psychotic thoughts. In my youth I'd write stories furiously and used some of them to get through undergraduate studies. It helps and keeps the mind busy. Even soft, slow poetry like Wordsworth or Coleridge. That was the peak of my disease and when it all fell apart. This helped differentiate fantasy versus reality.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Here is a part of my book [Re: Crystal G]
#23562716 - 08/21/16 11:16 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said: You need to work on your prose, your sentence structure, and the type of words you use more. Especially consider rephrasing sentences like these, "I probably pissed on the floor instead of the toilet because you really can't aim when you are in a dark room."
You need to captivate the audience with your linguistic capabilities. Your paragraph sounds more like when somebody is talking very casually. It reminds me of 6th grade level writing. Too many short sentences in a row. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be mean or demean you or your work. But if I were an editor, I would not pass this.
Thanks for the advice, it's a work in progress.
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