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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
not long term material * 2
    #23494357 - 07/31/16 01:35 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Relationships in general: I have had a lot of close friends in my life. And by a lot I mean I've had as many close friends as not. Altogether tho I have not had a ton of friends. But I have had enough to notice a depressing trend. At first everything sails out to perfect seas. The other person really likes my personality. More than a few have claimed to have fallen in love with me. How many of those were true or became anything more is irrelevant. Every time, without fail, they eventually come to be annoyed, frustrated, or bored with me. That love for my personality, over a period of a few months to a few years, tends to evaporate and little more than tolerance remains. If I continue to stay even that leaves.

Often I can "rekindle" relationships. I say we should work on things, I say I will work on my things, and I/we do and things are better for a time. But it seems no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I replenish the kettle, the relationship just slips away. Or comes to a violent head, depending on the personality involved.
In the last couple years I've chosen to withdraw first, at the first sign of things spiralling down, but I regret that too... Though I know I'm likely saving the both of us alot of pain and frustration.

I don't feel like anyone will care for me in the long term, aside from family and more often than not I feel that is little more than out of obligation. I would be fine living alone, with no friends, doing whatever I wanted to do, if I did not live in a society. If I was not required to interact and, unless always guarded, inevitably bond.



About 2 years ago I met a girl online. We gamed together and chatted often. She was not as forthcoming as most of the other girls I've talked to. Our understanding of eachother took time, and our connection took yet more time. I suddenly found myself dreaming for her, longing for her, wishing nothing so much as to be with her and to stay with her every waking moment of my life. I didn't say anything to her but eventually she told me she felt the same for me. So we got together. I don't think I've ever known someone to make me so happy. Which is pretty incredible since I've struggled with major depression almost my entire life. I hope for the future, I want a future with her more than anything else I want in life. She lives far away. I don't know if thats a blessing or a curse but I can only assume that it adds a number of things that can go wrong.

I want to be with her. I want to spend my life with her. But there is a nagging in my head. Telling me that eventually she will tire of me and, if not completely, then emotionally withdraw from me. It would crush me.


I've been in a similar situation, where one woman is pretty much my whole life. I know thats bad. Thats really bad. But it seems that all my remaining friendships of the last few years all faded at once, this year. I know you guys are going to say "just make more friends" but its not that easy. I've never had any easy time making friends. Maybe that's why we get so close after the initial hurtle... But I'm hurt. I kinda just want to crawl into a deep dark hole and be alone, since most everyone has left me that way. No, it is not all their fault. But friends are there during the rough patches. None of my friends seemed to have wanted to stick that one out with me. I have her. She was there when none else were. But I feel like I'm only fooling myself into thinking we will actually be anything a few years from now. I just want someone to stay.

I do have 2 long term friends. But I suspect that it is only because I keep them at arms length most of the time and only rarely see them. Hence the distance in the relationship could be a blessing. But on an emotional level we are very close and it is that part that tends to "scare" most people off. My intensity is taxing I suppose and I do try to tone it down with most people. But eventually I simply need to let that part of me through with someone I'm relatively close to. I cannot repress that part of myself anymore than I can repress my strangely formal/informal syntax of speech and the abhorrent grammar that comes along with it when writing long impulse driven messages.



Point is, I have what they call a Borderline personality. I'm nearing my 30s and I still can't figure out how the fuck to have a functional and lasting relationship on ANY level and now I'm in love with a woman who claims to love my sorry ass too. I don't know why I wrote this. I suppose I'm tired of being heartbroken about what hasn't happened yet while still trying to reconcile with what has. I feel so incredibly fucked up sometimes. I feel like I am destined to fail and my life is just a cosmic joke. I know that's a bad way to think about things but its an old habit and recent events have triggered alot of those nasty old things.

How do I break the chain? I know you guys don't know enough to advice me on where I fail at relationships but how do I at least make my head shut the fuck up and let me enjoy what I can of my life?


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleSleepwalker
Overshoes

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 5,503
Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23494396 - 07/31/16 02:09 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

I have a hard time ending relationships myself. That responsibility has in the past been left up to the other party due to my fear and apathy, even when in my heart I know the relationship is dying and should be put out of it's misery.

Regrets can arise no matter which path you take, but the regrets that really stick to my mind are the "what-if"s. My mistakes and messes made are at least set in stone for me to examine and learn from, whereas missed opportunities linger in the mind like a fog.


As I get older, I find it all the more true that no human is really one of a kind. Thoughts and personality that I thought were unique to myself I find lurking or shining from others.

You are not alone in wanting a long and faithful partnership. Yes, these attempts often fail, lacking practice or finesse we make all manner of fuckups and hurt the ones we love, or allow that love to fade into grey routine.

Both parties have to be willing to work on keeping the foundation of the relationship strong, and the garden blooming. Your anxiety about being abandoned is actually helping to manifest your loneliness into reality...

The power flows both ways. You must be strong for the other so they in turn can support you.


I'm rambling. I hope you can get something out of it.


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InvisibleRepertoire89
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23494562 - 07/31/16 04:44 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

I'd say keep at it, don't let the past hang over you.

My early and mid 20s were pretty socially volatile


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OfflineEnjoywho
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Re: not long term material [Re: Sleepwalker]
    #23495574 - 07/31/16 01:06 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Sleepwalker said:
I have a hard time ending relationships myself. That responsibility has in the past been left up to the other party due to my fear and apathy, even when in my heart I know the relationship is dying and should be put out of it's misery.

Regrets can arise no matter which path you take, but the regrets that really stick to my mind are the "what-if"s. My mistakes and messes made are at least set in stone for me to examine and learn from, whereas missed opportunities linger in the mind like a fog.


As I get older, I find it all the more true that no human is really one of a kind. Thoughts and personality that I thought were unique to myself I find lurking or shining from others.

You are not alone in wanting a long and faithful partnership. Yes, these attempts often fail, lacking practice or finesse we make all manner of fuckups and hurt the ones we love, or allow that love to fade into grey routine.

Both parties have to be willing to work on keeping the foundation of the relationship strong, and the garden blooming. Your anxiety about being abandoned is actually helping to manifest your loneliness into reality...

The power flows both ways. You must be strong for the other so they in turn can support you.


I'm rambling. I hope you can get something out of it.




Ya same here. I don't really enjoy confrontation. I know I've definitely stayed way longer than I should have wasting both of our time.


--------------------
"I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

"In the days of kings and queens I was a jester."

"And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies

"Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
Re: not long term material [Re: Enjoywho]
    #23496412 - 07/31/16 05:41 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

I tend to do the same. But then sometimes I think I jump the gun and cut a relationship short prematurely.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23496707 - 07/31/16 07:14 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
I tend to do the same. But then sometimes I think I jump the gun and cut a relationship short prematurely.



I cut ties with my best friend because I knew it had to happen, we were arguing all the time and I kept getting drunk and bleeding my broken heart all over her; nearly a year later I still feel hella guilty for hurting her feelings so badly. She told me once that the only person who stuck around her as long as I had was her boyfriend, she never had a friend for more than 6 months before me. I cried out of guilt for what I did to her while I was drunk a few nights ago

My point being that ending a relationship with someone is unbelievably difficult. I honestly think the only reason I'm able to force myself to do shit like that is because I hate myself so powerfully that it overwhelms the rest of my emotions.

I had another friend who I basically rage-quit my friendship with, but I wouldn't take that one back even though I miss him a lot. He was selfish and treated me like a second-class friend all the time even though we've known each other for like 15 years

So we all have our crosses to bear. Being the dump-er sucks ass too, obviously not nearly as much as being dumped but still, it fucking blows.



Honestly OP, I don't think I know anyone over 40 who has more then 2 friends that they've had for more than 10 years. People change, they move on, they literally move away, etc. Lifes a bitch and then you die


--------------------


A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: Sleepwalker]
    #23497687 - 08/01/16 06:33 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Sleepwalker said:


Both parties have to be willing to work on keeping the foundation of the relationship strong, and the garden blooming. Your anxiety about being abandoned is actually helping to manifest your loneliness into reality...

The power flows both ways. You must be strong for the other so they in turn can support you.


I'm rambling. I hope you can get something out of it.




I forgot to say this is great advice. And I've given it to others plenty of times, because it is very true. But I've always had an awfully hard time following my own advice. I get pretty stupid ideas in my head and no matter what I do I can't really shake them. Even if I'm not actively thinking about them they're still there, lurking under the surface, waiting for some event or situation to inflame them so they can bubble up and torture me.


But that's a big reason I like this girl so much. She understands how stupid my head can be. None of my previous partners did. And I don't think I've ever personally met anyone that understands it on the level she does. It's not exactly normal anxiety, I didn't get labelled with a disorder because everyone thinks like me. People tend to think I'm more messed up than I am or more normal than I am :rolleyes: It is so relieving to finally know someone who understands at the depth she does. It's one of those things you can't really know unless you personally experience it.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: bloodsheen]
    #23497691 - 08/01/16 06:36 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

bloodsheen said:

My point being that ending a relationship with someone is unbelievably difficult. I honestly think the only reason I'm able to force myself to do shit like that is because I hate myself so powerfully that it overwhelms the rest of my emotions.






This is exactly why I think I end relationships prematurely sometimes. I get so down about myself and misinterpret signs and think I'm burdening someone when often they just needed a little space to deal with their own personal issues.


I suppose you guys are right about most people my age not having many friends that they've had for many years. But at the same time most people around my age are getting married and settling down with their "family" of a partner and a well-established group of friends.


I feel like I'm out trying to build from the ground up. Again.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisibledemiu5
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23498452 - 08/01/16 01:57 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Quote:

bloodsheen said:

My point being that ending a relationship with someone is unbelievably difficult. I honestly think the only reason I'm able to force myself to do shit like that is because I hate myself so powerfully that it overwhelms the rest of my emotions.






This is exactly why I think I end relationships prematurely sometimes. I get so down about myself and misinterpret signs and think I'm burdening someone when often they just needed a little space to deal with their own personal issues.


I suppose you guys are right about most people my age not having many friends that they've had for many years. But at the same time most people around my age are getting married and settling down with their "family" of a partner and a well-established group of friends.


I feel like I'm out trying to build from the ground up. Again.





if you're always building from the ground up, you're not digging a rut

:shrug:


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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OfflineJesusDaMartian
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Registered: 04/27/14
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Re: not long term material [Re: demiu5]
    #23524642 - 08/09/16 11:23 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Best Advice I can give

  Make sure you're happy with everything else in your life before adding someone to it. Do everything you want/need to do and have everything set up straight. Then you will find a girl you like and add her to the equation.
  Distance is a really tough element to deal with as well. Try finding a girl closer to you. Whether its online or at a bar or whatever. But - Dont commit unless she really blows you away in every aspect because in the end you'll be cheating yourself and want to ditch her for someone else. 
  With that said 30 is still young for a guy in today's society. You're not running out of time. You will find what you desire.
  Just wondering - What part of the states are you from  ?


--------------------
"If you smile at me, I will understand
'Cause that is something everybody everywhere does
In the same language"
-Wooden Ships


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: JesusDaMartian]
    #23835840 - 11/15/16 03:29 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I'm from the central east coast. And I've met my last 2 gfs online, and 2 potentials from friends of friends (that were impressively terrible.) It's hard to find people in person when you can't drink and you can't fucking hear anything in most large social gatherings. And suddenly find yourself with no friends. My last couple friends have dropped out of my life.

I dunno.
I am on the verge of calling it off with my current partner. I caught her in a lie. A very understandable lie but no less trust breaking. It fucking tears me up that I cannot trust her anymore. I've been trying to let her rebuild my trust but I just find myself questioning more and more... And since she doesn't live here it's near impossible for her to put my fears to rest.


Moreso I realize that she just doesn't have very much discipline and personal drive. I have alot of respect for her for what she does, I know she does try, but I know she makes excuses for herself not reaching as high as she should. I have ALWAYS battled with that pitiful part of myself. It bothers me because I do the same while I'm trying to shake out of it. I fear we enable eachothers behavior. I can tell she's developed more self control and consideration... But she is who she is. A person can only grow so much in some places.

I feel we may not be meant for eachother.
But I can't help but feel I may be making a mistake. I've certainly not met another woman like her... Sigh. Help my brain.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23835863 - 11/15/16 03:35 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

On the note of finding intimate relationships, it is also harder in person because I'm a conversational idiot. I can manipulate people in innocent ways but I can't turn them or a conversation to the direction I need it to go. I can't just go up to a woman and say "hi I'm CookieCrumbs, I'm a lesbian and I think you're pretty."

...

And I'm south enough that I could seriously creep out a lady at best, or deeply offend them like I'm proposing to rape them or something at worst (yes I have had conservative women treat me like that.)


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisible100_the_cat
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23836035 - 11/15/16 04:17 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
On the note of finding intimate relationships, it is also harder in person because I'm a conversational idiot. I can manipulate people in innocent ways but I can't turn them or a conversation to the direction I need it to go. I can't just go up to a woman and say "hi I'm CookieCrumbs, I'm a lesbian and I think you're pretty."

...

And I'm south enough that I could seriously creep out a lady at best, or deeply offend them like I'm proposing to rape them or something at worst (yes I have had conservative women treat me like that.)




I thought being that direct was what a conversational idiot was...I seem to only terrify people when I do that

But that's relieving if it's actually considered ok


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: 100_the_cat]
    #23836142 - 11/15/16 04:39 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Lol well it is an extreme in the opposite direction. Things would be a whole hell of alot easier if it worked like that.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23852381 - 11/20/16 06:29 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Few brief thoughts,

I've recognized that making friends is not the hurdle, it's maintaining.  Staying in touch and connected through the years let alone decades takes tremendous effort on both sides. 

Even lone wolves can pair up and find momentary happiness in a mate.

What I've noticed is that my long term friends (not many, I have the same problem as you it seems), our success or lack thereof a relationship isn't dependent on common interests or compatibility, chemistry.. but the wlingness and determination, discipline to commitment.

In a sense it's a form of rigidity.  Now if this isn't the type of person who naturally piques your intrest, therein lies the fundamental issue.

Side note, I'm not sure what your partner lied about, but the BS that mine and I dished out and worked through with another truly nurtured an endearing and harmonious understanding.  Forgiveness is an amazing healer for both parties:heart:


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Offlinefinalexplosion
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Re: not long term material [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #23864752 - 11/24/16 09:35 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

TS you are not a middle age woman or a moldy bag of milk. Nearing 30s? LOL you got a decade or more of pussy slaying to do and with tinder, bumble, and just hitting on girls, the options are endless. It doesn't get harder to get girls with age as a guy. Finding motivation and listening to society that you should commit or marry and be unhappy like every other chump gets pushed. The truth is that, girls got options in youth. Doors open up as a man with age. Men look more masculine, more manly, have been around the block, and lived a bit. Girls want to lock it down. Guys usually want to be free bird unless beta and scared of losing her. You are over thinking it.

Advice: Go out. Make friends with younger guys who got the vigor and want to get girls. Workout. Keep testosterone high. Eat a balanced diet. Date lots of women, have sex, see the world, and when you are ready having lived a life, settle down with a family if that resonates. If you banged like no girls, marrying the first obese woman willing to settle for you after years of going through players is not a happy existence.


--------------------
The light of wisdom is driving away the darkness. Look at the ground. Now you can see your own shadow. If you are scared by the shadow that follows you, just remember, wherever shadows fall, light is always nearby.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: finalexplosion]
    #23865062 - 11/25/16 12:59 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I feel like I should start every thread with I AM A LESBIAN AND I HAVE A VAGINA


But yeah I do think I am a big of a free bird, and I've never liked being tied down, because I do tend to over think alot of shit. Not even bad shit, just that I obsess over things.
I have banged other girls, and my gf is not obese :lol:

We talked about marriage at one point, she's native to Canada and I'd really like to move up north one day... seems a good way to do it. But with the shit that has happened in our relationship since then... it sucks but marriage is definitely not something I see in the future right now.

Quote:

birdeatingspider said:
Few brief thoughts,

I've recognized that making friends is not the hurdle, it's maintaining.  Staying in touch and connected through the years let alone decades takes tremendous effort on both sides. 

Even lone wolves can pair up and find momentary happiness in a mate.

What I've noticed is that my long term friends (not many, I have the same problem as you it seems), our success or lack thereof a relationship isn't dependent on common interests or compatibility, chemistry.. but the wlingness and determination, discipline to commitment.

In a sense it's a form of rigidity.  Now if this isn't the type of person who naturally piques your intrest, therein lies the fundamental issue.

Side note, I'm not sure what your partner lied about, but the BS that mine and I dished out and worked through with another truly nurtured an endearing and harmonious understanding.  Forgiveness is an amazing healer for both parties:heart:




I've not been ignoring this. I've just not been in my 'normal' frame of mind to address it. And I'm still not but I'm almost never in a 'normal' state of mind.
I really do love her personality. She's the only one I've ever met to make me laugh and smile and feel happy, however brief, no matter how down I might be. Lately it hasn't been like that. And I don't know if it's from the lack of trying on her end (due to frustration, I'm not an easy person to be around all the time) or if it's because of these ideas I've had in my head.


I think I may initially meld in with people too well. I blame the Libra in me. And some people have felt cheated and lied to about it, but it's really not an intentional thing. My personality, or at least my surface personality, shifts alot. Most people don't understand that. Most people put pressure on me to act one way or another and that often either causes me to leave or stay and feel guilty for constantly failing to live up to their expectations.
My preset personality, the one I always fall back on, is depressed. Mostly because it's always there and it's unfortunately not hard to trigger. And I'm often depressed because of shit like this.

Borderline personality disorder was once thought to be a precursor to multiple personality disorder. I can see why. I control it as best I can, constantly, while trying to balance out actually having emotions. Compared to other people I've heard of with BPD I'd say I do fairly well for the most part. But it's not something I can completely hide, and I'm not sure I'd want to, and the strain of constantly fighting myself while trying not to beat myself up is very taxing.

I like who I am. I hate that it seems that who I am just can't work with anyone in the long term.


I wasn't wanting this thread to focus on this borderline personality of mine. But I suppose it does come down to that. It's my fault and it's their fault but the inherent flaw lies within me.


My lady understands this, understands how my perspective and train of thought can drastically change in mere moments sometimes, and that understanding is probably the only reason we are still together. But it is wearing on me. I used to feel safe telling her anything, showing her the crazy fucked up rainbow of my personality, and I don't anymore. I'm almost mad at myself for ever thinking I could. I am much more angry with myself than with her.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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InvisibleRepertoire89
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Registered: 11/15/12
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23865096 - 11/25/16 01:50 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:

Borderline personality disorder




I'm not sure what many of these psychiatric ideas are supposed to mean, BPD, anxiety attacks, bipolar...

Dark, negative emotions crowd my mind all the time, horrible feelings which can be painful and make it difficult to think clearly or act.
My understanding of this, is that its just the nature of life, and the mind must be tempered through the will.








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Offlinefinalexplosion
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Re: not long term material [Re: Repertoire89]
    #23868521 - 11/26/16 10:38 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Dude, you gotta get the f out of your own way.

Thoughts like, "she will find someone better" will push her onto other guys d very swiftly. You will act in such a depressing and self consciousness insecure manner that will sabotage the relationship.

There is a great deal of anti competition, aversion to winning, and playing it safe in society today. Very common in the PC culture, liberal, play it safe, walk on egg shells mentality, and lets all get participation ribbons for being garbage. Its the mating call of the loser.

Your mindset should be WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

I have read a fair share of sports autobiographies. Guys like Jordan. He has a vid that puts chills down my spine


He goes on a tangent about failing, taking the game winning shot, failing time and time again but, that is why he succeeds. I am fucking numb listening to the man given we live in a society that cries sexist or racist and stinks of low testosterone.

Win. You want the girl. She is mine. GET IT! If she isn't down, cool. You took a stand. You marked your territory. Move on. You want anything in this life, go get it. If you wont, I will.

Start reading books that will motivate and inspire you. Motivation is like a shower. It wears off, you stink, and you need another shower. Get it. WIN WIN WIN WIN!


--------------------
The light of wisdom is driving away the darkness. Look at the ground. Now you can see your own shadow. If you are scared by the shadow that follows you, just remember, wherever shadows fall, light is always nearby.


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23870363 - 11/26/16 08:11 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

How long have you two been together?  If you don't mind me asking.

I disagree with being gun-ho-agro.  If anything this is something to reflect deeply on.  It sounds like you are.. and that is natural. 

Mine and I have been together for over three years.  I hate to sound cliche, but our relationship has phased through many seasons while standing the test of time.  First year was the  honeymoon, getting to know another(we were long term friends growing up, dating separated by the decade that I traveled, so more re-aquainting and diminishing the preconceived notions of who we thought the other was).  Second year we settled in, had a lot of really awful fights.. worked the kinks out, so to speak.  The third year, as if passing some invisible mile marker, things really mellowed out and all has been peaceful for the most part.  Nowadays we still don't get sick of another, but occasionally struggle before reaching an understanding.  Drawn out point being that a relationship is anything but static, sometimes it's just a matter of faring the breakers before it's smooth sailing.

Be careful with consulting the DSM.. I will never forget the day I recieved the BPD title.. I got home and promptly googled this alien diagnosis.  The feeling of dread slowly sank in while a lump in my throat surfaced, and for many years I identified and allowed it to define me.  Not that you are doing the same, but even unconsciously I personally feel the label can exasperate this 'disorder'.  You're much better off staying true to your zodiacal sign.. we are all made of stardust, after all.

What are the dynamics like.  Are you two more similar than different?  Is communication effective for you both?  This is just food for thought, knowing such will all factor into the long term haul.

When in doubt sleep on it.  Better yet, trip together.  Even compared to a ten day cruise, nothing will fortify a bond better than a methodical, intimate journey with another.. or apart, depending on how you process.

If you have any married-life friends, ask for their input.  Most importantly, listen to your heart and trust your wise mind- Take it for what it's worth.. it's weight in gold:cheers:


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Re: not long term material [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #23870828 - 11/26/16 11:27 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

See I don't even think said "personality disorder" is even really a disorder. Just another personality type that is poorly understood. In western zodiac I am a cusp of Libra and Scorpio. They are conflicting personalities in some aspects. And Scorpio is sometimes considered to be a two sided coin on its own.

Feels a bit... Assholish to say... But I don't feel like it's me but everyone else. I've taken to camping by myself the last few years and the difference to my personality while I'm away is incredible. But within a few days when I come back my thoughts and mainframe shifts. Its more than emotion, it is my entire perspective. And I've manipulated that a variety of times but it seems that, so long as I am actively participating as a normal person within society I revert into... Something I don't like all that much. Something that doesn't function very well.

I don't know how to explain it.
No amount of positive thinking changes it.
I just feel like life is wrong. People are wrong. Society is wrong. And it drives me nuts.

2016 has been a particularly rough year. There was alot of family issues and while I think I've dealt with it fairly well it triggered some things in my head that go back to an abusive relationship I'd once had. It's so hard to tell how much that is influencing my perspective.


There's a native American story I like alot. I'll post it here when I get on my computer. But the short version is within everyone there is two wolves. One good and one bad. Whichever one wins is the one that gets fed.
Life has helped feed the bad wolf more than the good. My personality is not bad, but the bad traits that come with it are exacerbated by the strain of my environment. I've never felt free to really just be me. People and their expectations and what I feel they deserve and think, constantly having to attune myself to others while also trying to be myself is... I know most everyone does this but it's fucking stupid and it drives me nuts. I barely feel like my thoughts are my own. That I'm constantly being manipulated by others. Unconsciously but its true. I'm so sensitive. That's why I've wanted to be alone as often as not. I don't feel like myself. I'm never myself. And it sucks.

No one seems to understand that I can't be myself and be accepted. I work full time and having to repress my personality 8+ hours every day manipulates my perspective. People seem to think you can just switch off everything when you get home. I've never been able to do this. I just feel trapped by life right now. And I have for most of my life.


To me it seems pretty obvious that in order for things to get better in my head I need to feed the good wolf. And it can't live off hollow fillers, it needs something real and substantial.. My whole life needs an overhaul. I need to be free. I need a new job and a new place to live. I need new friends too. A new girlfriend? I don't know. I've left everything in life behind before and ended up in a worse situation.

Point is what is inside feels wrong because the outside feels wrong.

I don't want to leave her because my thinking is skewed. I don't want to stay with her if I really do need to move on.


Meh. We've been together for about a year and a half. We're 'friends' for 2 years before. We share alot of interests but in some ways it's night and day. It seems that our conflicting parts seem more stark to me now than earlier in our relationship. We both have a hard time communicating. And we've worked hard on it. But it's still probably our biggest problem. I feel like there are things I cant say to her. And I'm certain there is much she doesn't tell me.


--------------------
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23870984 - 11/27/16 01:23 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Yeah, this world sucks, thats what i was saying earlier about psychological disorders.

Do not bow down


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #23872718 - 11/27/16 04:43 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
See I don't even think said "personality disorder" is even really a disorder. Just another personality type that is poorly understood.



I do agree, but seeing that the love of my life was a classic borderline, which I've gone to massive lengths to verify, it is certainly a state of being that is definable and verifiable by a great many traits.

Apologies if I'm way off the main topic, but I've been out of the loop most of the week with illness, and have had several emotional and situational bombshells dropped on me since, so haven't had the the time to properly catch up on the threads here.

FWIW, one of my wisest friends who is an expert in developmental psychology recently told me that any kind of childhood abuse is almost certain to lead to a 'personality disorder'. Apparently there are four main archetypes, but borderline is the only one I have yet studied in depth.

I'll add more once I get the time to read through this thread properly.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Re: not long term material [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 2
    #23873221 - 11/27/16 07:50 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

It was a side note by mentioning that the BPD classification will burden a person with a type of complex which exasperates the condition, IMO. I feel that the diagnosis is worse than the disease, awareness being a great treatment. 

There certainly are patterns of thought and an inability to regulate emotion, tendencies to self sabotage by ineffective coping mechanisms.  Recently it has been decided that with self work, this condition can be cured.

Absolutely it will impact the qualities and conditions of a relationship.  But the best thing someone who has recieved this title can do is not buy into the details.


Ms. Crumbs,
It sounds like you've already come to terms with the reality of the situation.  Don't second-guess your gut feeling.  But if there is a possibility that your mentality is what is sealing the deal, perhaps that is something to mull over.

My belief is that our perceptions will paraphrase the true story.  An unconscious bias.  If possible, try to objectively view as if a third party on the outside looking in. 


I have a rendition of this on the side of my frig:


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Re: not long term material [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #23873248 - 11/27/16 07:58 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I like that quote, I have it with a little more setting. Hits harder this way for me:

Quote:

An old man and his grandson are sitting by the fire outside the tepee, wrapped in furs and gazing into the leaping flames. High on a snowy ridge, a wolf howls at the moon and another answers from far away. Soon after, the old man removes the pipe from his mouth.
‘Grandson,’ he says. ‘There are two wolves inside you. One is white and the other is black.’
‘What are they doing there, Grandfather?’ asks the wide-eyed boy.
‘They are fighting each other,’ says the old man.
The boy considers this, then asks, ‘Why are they white and black?’
‘The white one is your love, your peace and your truth. The black one is your fear, your anger and your lies.’
The fire crackles and sparks flare in the night. The wolf on the ridge howls again and the old man puffs contentedly on his pipe. Finally, the boy says, ‘Which one will win, Grandfather?’
‘Ah,’ says the old man, removing the pipe once more. ‘The one that wins is the one that you feed.’





--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Re: not long term material [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23873312 - 11/27/16 08:16 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Yes that's the one I have, couldn't find the full version.  Not sure why anyone would condense it :um:


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Re: not long term material [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #24412106 - 06/17/17 08:44 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

My entire family, at least on my mom's side, is streaked with mental illness. Much of it undiagnosed and untreated.


More when I can talk about heavy shit without throwing up.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24412306 - 06/17/17 10:37 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Tell me about it.  Whenever you're ready:sun:


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24413430 - 06/17/17 07:48 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
My entire family, at least on my mom's side, is streaked with mental illness. Much of it undiagnosed and untreated.


More when I can talk about heavy shit without throwing up.







that's how my father's side is.  one of his aunts was forcibly committed and held for years, undergoing lots of electroshock, couple of others that should've had some form of outside help.  father himself was very manic, and an alcoholic to boot. 

officially diagnosed bi-polar (manic) through blood-work, but thankfully my doctor didn't put it in my medical history, as i was young at the time.  i've refused meds and done fairly well, but i have moments i feel like i'm going to burst or rip in two from it.  cannabis helped a lot, but even the last few years it wasn't working well, despite diet being well tuned in.  now i'm off the cannabis and noticing more manic thought-processes coupled with growing depression.  being physically active has so far proven to be the best thing for it, as it occupies my mind, helps dopamine production, and tires me


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Re: not long term material [Re: demiu5]
    #24414791 - 06/18/17 10:49 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Yeah considering the shit they used to fo to the mentally ill it may be for the best they haven't been treated.

But as I've grown to have an understanding of psychology and human relations (ahahaha the irony in this) I've noticed that everyone in my mom's side of the family consistently has trouble expressing their emotions. Everyone in my immediate family, my brothers and my father, has trouble with expressing their feelings.

I believe part of this is inborn, because of the complexity of said feelings (I'll get into this in a moment), but part of it definitely comes from being raised by people who not only refuse to express deep personal pain or deep intimate love but also refuse to accept and acknowledge this in others. To them it is as if doing such things... Well THAT person is crazy.


Growing up in an environment that is fueled by few emotions aside from anger and spite... I know all to well how much that can fuck you up. My mom has always been VERY spiteful to her parents for how they treated her. And now, now that grandma has had strokes and can no longer care for herself, and grandpa is literally on his deathbed (they doubt he'll make it through the night) she feels like a huge piece of shit for all the shit she's talked about them. She seems incapable of understanding the concept of karma. In a matter of days I've watched her from being suicidal with self hatred to resentful to my god mom (grandpa's gf) who has been bed ridden for 5 years. She blames her now.

There seems to not only be a repression but a consistent evasion of empathy and personal responsibility. Not unknown up to this time, my mom cannot take being wrong, she can barely take thinking you're implying she is wrong. My grandma, my mom's mom, well she's calmed down alot in age (not that my mom recognised this until the strokes) but I remember how she'd cut into my uncle and my mom. She has a very backhanded way of offering criticism. Almost like she doesn't even mean to say it. In a way, I understand, that is more infuriating than a straight up insult.

I've seen the things that happens if you go against the grain or if you follow it too closely. Learning to tip toe around my family has made me unusually good at getting to the heart of matters and saying what needs to be said without implying offense. Though in recent years I've lost alot of my patience and instead present alot of the bite that is unfortunately characteristic of my family.


My grandpa is well-known for this bite. I have had an odd affinity for him largely because of this. He is a hard man, but a good man. And a heavy alcoholic and 2 pack a day smoker for 40 years. As a child I first figured out that Santa wasn't real because Santa Claus had a suspiciously red face, just like grandpa did. He would dress up every Christmas with a sack of presents and come through the door with a big loud HO HO HO when we were little. Here's where I need to fight not to cry and keep writing. ...He never saved his language for us, except as Santa, and I'm pretty sure I've developed my sailors mouth from him. But he was always good to me and my brothers. Hard, and firm, but good.

His own kids? well I could go on about the divorce between my grandparents and how many times my grandpa's alcoholism almost killed him. But he left shortly after my mom was born, and was out of the picture for 10 years. Being raised exclusively by my bitter resentful bottled grandmother and no father, I think, is what screwed my mom and uncle up more than anything. My aunt was born late to another man that stuck around until his death. Though she has had physical problems from being born to a woman in her late 40s and a man in his late 50s... She is the most rational and empathetic person on that side of my family.



Even if old school treatments weren't so fucked up I don't think any of my family would have gotten them. Because they do not ask for help when they really need it. They'll ask for stupid little favors and borrow money when they don't need it... My grandpa got cancer a year ago, if not more, and did not go to the doctor until he had lost most of his weight and could barely even walk anymore, could not care for my god mom anymore. He still tried. My uncle saw him deteriorate and said nothing, did nothing, and I think it's because he's deluded himself. He insisted up until a few days ago when they confirmed it as advanced metastatic lung cancer that it was probably pneumonia. You can literally see one of the tumors that grew up out of his lung and around his collar bone.

My uncle only got on medication for his anger issues when he almost lost his job. After he lost his wife and home and became tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Same with my mom. They'll never pay off their debt. I will inherit this to. I myself was forced to choose between the years of medication and therapy or the psych ward after my parents found I've been slicing myself up. My brothers only after their drug habits got completely out of control.

There is not only this irrational denial of help, one I have inherited, but there is also a denial of reality. It goes beyond not wanting to listen, and not wanting to see, it often goes into being unable to see. I think that's why there is so much drug and alcohol use in the family. Because it's easier to convince yourself of the reality you want and to ignore the reality you don't want to see.

And it is also an attempt to hide much of reality to others. It is not until recent years, that my mom's alcoholism has gotten out of control, that I've begun to understand most of this, of the how and the why. No one told me these things. Even when I asked. I'm not sure why. I wonder sometimes if I do the same, with how hard I hold the secrets of others as well as my own.

Doing this alone could be considered a mental illness. I don't think in and of itself it is.. I think the mental illness manifests after years upon years of doing this. I wish I had realized much of this before I lost my patience with people. Before the anger, the bite, bubbles up. But, as much as I want and have wanted to help, I don't think I could have done anything. Attempting to console my mother all of this, sacrificing bits of my own emotional and physical health only to see few results. No the only thing that brought her from the brink was the church and being reunited with an old pastor. Whom she thinks is leading the world to the 2nd coming or something.

My mom and my grandma both tend to think the world is full of evil people. Yet there are a few people that they think are angels in flesh. At times at least. Nothing keeps them from falling in their eyes and becoming one of these people they resent. And it's not often reasonable things that cause this.


This is a trademark symptom of what they call borderline personality disorder. My mom and aunt believe my grandma and uncle are bipolar. And they might be. But the more I look the more I see. Traits of narcissism, traits of bipolar, traits of borderline, traits of any of the delusional disorders.



One of my worst fears is growing up to be like them. I've inherited my father's severe anxiety. I've inherited my mother's extreme feelings and a flip-flop ove them. I've inherited both of their inability to properly accept and express their feelings.
I try not to resent my mother, as she has resented hers, but it is hard. I understand. I sympathize.. I empathize. But she is one of the most frustrating people I have ever had to deal with. She cannot be wrong but she will imply any number of things you're doing is wrong. I know, too, I have inherited this strong sense of right and wrong. I forgave much more easily in years past though. I accepted that others might be right when I am not. But... More and more I feel like I am slowly becoming like my mom and my grandma. Maybe my uncle. I dunno. I've generally tried to avoid that bastard.


Years of feeling love and being unable to express it... I get snapped at one time by my romantic partner and I immediately start to close up. I was trying to work through that with my current partner but... I suppose I'm as much a frustrating person to deal with as my mother is. I've been snapped at alot. And not necessarily without reason. It is that difficulty in expressing feeling and keeping thoughts and opinions rational. Reasonable. Logical.



How does one have both feeling and logic?
I think my family has spent generations trying to figure out this balance. And generally failing.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24415323 - 06/18/17 02:52 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

The other night I was trying to console my mom and it's a good example of... Well all of our problems. Of projection and misinterpretation.


A little back story, my dad was caught having an affair about 2 years ago. I don't blame him. My mom largely neglected him. They fought often. And by fight I mean my mom blaming and accusing him of not doing good enough. With us, with her, with the cleaning, whatever. And him simply trying to defend himself. My mom wasn't drinking much then. She has been on alot of medication though. For years she would get off work, eat something, over eating usually, and go to bed. She never went out. She never did anything.

And there's a whole lot of shit to that but both my parents were depressed and repressing it as much as they could. And it came to a rather violent head. After 25 years.


Anyway, the other night she tells my older brother "the last 2 months have been hard." (with my grandma and grandpa, her parents, being ill.) and he said "I know. The last 6 months have been hard for us." us being his wife and him. She told me it as he had said "well the last 6 months have been hard for us." in a scoffing tone. And proceeded to tell me that is the words of someone who hasn't known loss.

She said that if my brother keeps going down this path he will lose her. I don't know why but she believes my brothers' partners to be these angels in flesh.


My brother has been working himself to death. Getting 5 hours of sleep trying to renovate a house. And I'm sure fighting with his wife often. She wants him to take a break when he feels he can't but she also wants him to do more work.


This is what I mean. When you try to remind her she's not alone, that you're struggling too, she thinks you're trying to downplay her pain. I think in part it's the repression and in part it's because her parents did the same thing to her. I feel it is a long fucked up cycle.


And this in particular I think is a projection of what her father has done and in large part how she reacted to my father's affair is a prokection of that. She feels that my dad neglected her and denied her affection when it was largely she that pushed him away. They never slept in the same bed and she claims it's because my dad would kick her in his sleep. I have no idea if this is the truth but either way I think it was her that pushed him away. Especially with how she talks about my dad when they were young.


I am terrified of being like this. I've known other people that do this. That push people away with their actions and then believe that they are the ones that did wrong. I fear being blind to that reality. To the point that I did not doubt people at all. I thought the best of everyone and blamed myself if anything bad happened. Which lead me to being raped and abused and taken advantage of many times.


I don't feel any of us are bitter without reason. I am not distrustful without reason. I have not lost my patience with people without reason. I have been tried again and again and again. And now I know it's not worth it to take people's shit. I know that I cannot take all the fault. But... I am more than a little afraid about what is happening to my mind.


--------------------
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24416974 - 06/19/17 06:42 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

I slept in, so only got through half of the first post you made. Will respond further after work.

First off, I'm very sorry about your grandpa.

Ironically, my mom is loosing her cousin to cancer (surprisingly made it through the night but not much longer). I've been shacking up here, I'm semi-certain she's loosing it. There's malpractice involved and the pattern I see that pertains to your situation is the desperation to blame.  That's a part of grief, just the beginning but the most volatile. Sounds like this is happening with your mom?

Another thing I feel the need to comment on, is the aspect of codependent relationships. I also grew up in a fairly hostile environment, and can relate to inheriting the 'bite' that results from this.  My family does not know how to communicate their upsets, which has always led to bottled resentment and the explosion of anger I frequently witnessed or fell victim to, and would later in life repeat. The tip toeing that you speak of is all too familiar. Those eggshells formulate resentment by theirselves. But what resulted for myself was codependency- absorbing my mother's projections and feeling responsible for her emotions.  Case in point, the last couple days.. I've only seen her this bad when her mother died, also due to malpractice.  The screaming at the top of the lungs, falling asleep and waking up wailing, hitting/breaking things, I claim it as my own, and due to my empathy, have been breaking down, too.

Is it possible that the dynamics between your mother and you might be playing into all of this?
One of the most liberating things for me was moving out, reprogramming my mind. It's easy, once you're removed from the environment, to notice what is HER shit and what is your own, and separate accordingly. It's nothing short of conditioning, and its toxic. 

I suspect things will settle down tremendously for you once you move out.  In the meantime, it might be helpful to recognize her ills from yours... and its almost seamless.  The past couple of days have been exhausting for me, there's a fine line to walk in comforting a grieving mother. Of course you would do anything to take that pain away, but surrendering to it won't help anyone.

I'm sorry if I'm off base with anything.


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Re: not long term material [Re: birdeatingspider] * 2
    #24418772 - 06/19/17 07:09 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

There's a lot of dynamics at play here. Tbh this sounds like a highly detrimental place to be living, let alone grow up within.  Hearing some of the backstory, I can totally relate, almost word for word. Its all connected.. the situation you're in is a culmination of all that has transpired. Sadly this hand you've been dealt seems to of happened to you, not by you.

To a degree, genetics, epigenetics, and early childhood setting will factor into the person we become, right? It would make sense though, that an unintended outcome can be procured from this: Becoming the exact opposite of the parent with behaviour you despise. Case and point: When one of my mother's traits is brought to my attention as my own, you'll be certain I shut up and listen.  Because at the end of the day, I'm petrified that I will be her before I know. There's a lot of her ugly that I absorbed before knowing what projection was, before I knew that being tangled up was dysfunctional and unhealthy.

From how you describe, it sounds as though you've taken a similar approach. It hard to be patient when an all or nothing, my way or the highway, raging bull is in control.
Still, it's something to strive for. As Winnie the Pooh said: “If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”

You're a smart Cookie. As an observation, you seen not only intelligent but mindful and diplomatic in approach. Is it a possibility that a. You're over thinking it or b.your hostility is a by product of your environment that will greatky improve/resolve once you move out?

I know my mas and I have a much better relationship when I'm not living there as we simply arent as enmeshed.  It took a great deal of effort to eradicate the majority of her wretchedness.  If I am not extremely mindful (hey youre starting to loose your temper, take a deep breath and be aware) that same nastiness ensues from me.

Tl;dr
Practice patience
Hold your family and yourself accountable
Be responsible for yourself and only self.
You're not alone


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24419130 - 06/19/17 10:00 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
The other night I was trying to console my mom and it's a good example of... Well all of our problems. Of projection and misinterpretation.


A little back story, my dad was caught having an affair about 2 years ago. I don't blame him. My mom largely neglected him. They fought often. And by fight I mean my mom blaming and accusing him of not doing good enough. With us, with her, with the cleaning, whatever. And him simply trying to defend himself. My mom wasn't drinking much then. She has been on alot of medication though. For years she would get off work, eat something, over eating usually, and go to bed. She never went out. She never did anything.

And there's a whole lot of shit to that but both my parents were depressed and repressing it as much as they could. And it came to a rather violent head. After 25 years.


Anyway, the other night she tells my older brother "the last 2 months have been hard." (with my grandma and grandpa, her parents, being ill.) and he said "I know. The last 6 months have been hard for us." us being his wife and him. She told me it as he had said "well the last 6 months have been hard for us." in a scoffing tone. And proceeded to tell me that is the words of someone who hasn't known loss.

She said that if my brother keeps going down this path he will lose her. I don't know why but she believes my brothers' partners to be these angels in flesh.


My brother has been working himself to death. Getting 5 hours of sleep trying to renovate a house. And I'm sure fighting with his wife often. She wants him to take a break when he feels he can't but she also wants him to do more work.


This is what I mean. When you try to remind her she's not alone, that you're struggling too, she thinks you're trying to downplay her pain. I think in part it's the repression and in part it's because her parents did the same thing to her. I feel it is a long fucked up cycle.


And this in particular I think is a projection of what her father has done and in large part how she reacted to my father's affair is a prokection of that. She feels that my dad neglected her and denied her affection when it was largely she that pushed him away. They never slept in the same bed and she claims it's because my dad would kick her in his sleep. I have no idea if this is the truth but either way I think it was her that pushed him away. Especially with how she talks about my dad when they were young.


I am terrified of being like this. I've known other people that do this. That push people away with their actions and then believe that they are the ones that did wrong. I fear being blind to that reality. To the point that I did not doubt people at all. I thought the best of everyone and blamed myself if anything bad happened. Which lead me to being raped and abused and taken advantage of many times.


I don't feel any of us are bitter without reason. I am not distrustful without reason. I have not lost my patience with people without reason. I have been tried again and again and again. And now I know it's not worth it to take people's shit. I know that I cannot take all the fault. But... I am more than a little afraid about what is happening to my mind.






i'm not saying this is any kind of a "solution", but sometimes one simply has to say "fuck you" to their [dysfunctional] family [members] and cut all ties.  your health probably complicates that situation.  and it's certainly never an easy thing to do, as love (but not like) complicates the situation even further. 


all i know is people are shitty, selfish and shitty, myself included.


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Re: not long term material [Re: demiu5] * 1
    #24419192 - 06/19/17 10:33 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

It's been a very long night and I'm very sore so I'll try to make this short.

First, thank you for sharing Spider. I think you are a rather intelligent person yourself. I've felt a relation to you for a while, perhaps because of our shared bits of personality and experience. It is rare I don't find myself agreeing with you. And even more rare that your posts don't invoke some thought. So thank you for sharing much.
I am also sorry to hear about your cousin and that malpractice iis involved. For a 2nd time at that. :hug: I'm sorry


I think I had the right idea to gtfo as soon as I legally could. I tried to get emancipated but I couldn't. On the day after my 18th birthday I moved out and in with my ex fiance. Well I... Learned alot from the experience. Mostly because I fucked it up so much.

I told my family that if they tried to contact me I would ignore it, if they tried to come to me I would call the police, I told them I never wanted to see them again. It hurt alot to go and do that but I hoped I would be happier. I was not. My drug use was out of control, I didn't have work, I dealed a little bit, I got involved with gang shit, I robbed people out of desperation, I set others up to get gang banged, I went without food more often than not, the money I got often went to more drugs, often more for my fiance than myself, I had a loaded gun held to my head and kicked out of my own home. I attempted suicide a little under 2 years after I moved out. Largely out of guilt, and largely because I abandoned my family and, more importantly, myself. I realized how incredibly badly I fucked up. I left my ex and her fuck buddy (our roommate, long story) and was homeless for a little while. My older brother, in large part, is the reason I got back in touch with my family. He is a good man and I look up to him. No matter what he did when we were kids. My parents took me back in.


The two biggest things I learned was I cannot leave a bad situation just to run off to another bad situation.
And I cannot go against who I am. And I am loyal to a fault. My family, fucked up as they are, deserves some degree of my loyalty. Despite everything they have done alot for me and they love me.

Cutting them off will not leave them any less fucked up. And I will be fucked up regardless. Besides that, the guilt would eat me alive.



I did buy a house, back in April. A small old farmhouse that needs alot of work. It is not in living condition right now. But I have an acre of land and many acres more of uninhabited woodland surrounding it. I cannot wait to move. But I must. My brother assured me he would help me fix up a shitty old home so I bought a shitty old home. But like I said he's been working himself to death at his daytime job. He too can be kind to a fault and got completely fucked over by his workers.
So... I'm giving him time. I've offered to help but sadly there's not alot I can do and honestly I've had my hands full trying to make home feel okay. Trying not to lose my mom. Trying not to lose my partner and my mind.


I am saving up. If big bro can't get started near the end of summer I'll hire someone else to start knocking shit out.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24419654 - 06/20/17 06:04 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

That made me really happy to read, ty! 
Hearing your history a bit, just know nothing you say could influence my view of you. :hug:

I also learned the hard way that you can't run from your problems- they follow. Further, I know all too well the territory of emancipation- I moved out at 17 with my abusive partner.. certainly the worst period of my life.
Like you, I have a big bro that I adore. As a matter of fact, I attribute him to raising me and teaching me right from wrong, not my father. I could gush about him all day.

Is it possible to appeal to your brother, cite the urgency of your move. Let him in on some of the current struggles with your grieving mom and health issues.  Perhaps offer to recruit workers from craigslist that he could in turn fund?

When I'm around my mom as I am now, I actively in my head discern her shit from mine. It's a skill that will lift the burden and curtain that is your mom's emotion.

Maybe focus on that place between engrossed with them and disowning them. Fam isn't so bad when held at arms length. It takes developed skill and mastery to achieve healthy boundaries, especially with blood relation.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24420864 - 06/20/17 03:23 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

My family, fucked up as they are, deserves some degree of my loyalty.







why?


love is not abusive.  do they love you (more focusing on your mom here) or do they love to use you as a reason/excuse/method to vent their dissatisfaction with their station?  love is not some thing to be held over one's head in order to get what one wants.



Quote:

How does one have both feeling and logic?





it's difficult, if not nearing impossibility.  these things come from two different places in the brain.  i favor logic over emotion, in most circumstances.  while logic may not lead to the highs that emotion does, logic tends not to deliver one into the lows that emotion-based reactions often do


some might consider me cold, verging on sociopathic (non-violent), but that's on them, not me.  i do my best to not concern myself with others, and limit [in-person] interaction as much as possible beyond what is needed [to survive]


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Re: not long term material [Re: demiu5]
    #24422466 - 06/20/17 11:42 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

demiu5 said:
Quote:

How does one have both feeling and logic?




it's difficult, if not nearing impossibility.




For me, I think a middle way is ideal. Emotions are the main drivers of my dreams and relationships, but they must be tempered and kept under watch by logic. One without the other seems pointless and ineffective.


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Re: not long term material [Re: Sleepwalker]
    #24423278 - 06/21/17 09:22 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

"I'm gonna kill your god mom."
"why?"
"because she won't let him go. She said "I wish he weren't on so many pain meds so I could talk to him." So she wants him to be in pain and suffer. She's not his wife, he's MY daddy, I will cut her off from decisions if she doesn't stop."
"stop what?"
"she needs to tell him it's okay to go. That's the only reason he's hanging on."

And I told my mom I don't think it's really my god mom's fault. And she proceeded to tell me of all the times shes seen someone on their deathbed told it's okay to go and they pass away that night.

Nah it's not just about having someone to blame. It's 100% emotion and 0% logic. Doesn't help my mom has been getting shitfaced drunk, which is the main reason I can't begin to say anything. To her my god mom is a vile selfish woman that nagged my grandpa for 20 years and ultimately killed him. And yes she did nag him alot, they did fight alot, but I'm pretty sure age and 40 years of smoking is what killed him. He's a tough man, I think he'd hang on even if my god mom didn't need him. So I fail to see why it would be her fault he's not dead yet.



Honestly if she does follow through with her threats to cut my god mom off then I'll have to... Bust her shitty little bubble... So to speak. I won't blame her for my dad's depression, severe anxiety, high blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes even though the 'logic' is the same. My dad drank two liters of Coca-Cola a day for years trying to work 2 jobs at times and do things with us kids and trying to take care of the house. I know in large part he was reckless with his health because of how my mom treated him. My mom thinks my grandpa smoked so much because of how my godmother treated him.

That comparison might have her going back to being suicidal though. But I cannot let her inability to properly deal with pain to destroy what little bit my godmother has left.


People like that have a with me or against me mentality. It.... If it has to be that way because they make it that way then it has to be that way.


When my uncle killed himself last easter she accused him of being selfish. When my dad said he wished he had reached out more that he was being selfish because that kind of thinking makes it about himself (???) and it should be about his family.

When the family dog died last August all she could talk about was how she couldn't deal with anymore pain and told me she wanted to be cremated and shit.


I think it's all some kind of odd projection because she cannot face being wrong, she cannot accept that she is being selfish so she's projecting selfishness onto everyone else.



I am not abused. I have been abused by people who also completely lack the rationality of intention. People that think everything is some kind of personal affront. And use it as an excuse to mistreat you. If anyone is being abused it's my father.

My problem is being in a toxic environment that triggers the remaining demons of that abuse.


I think holding them at arms length would be best. But I will not cut them off. Much of the shit that has happened in my life is because of my decisions, not their mistreatment. I will not be my mother. I will not place blame on the shoulders it does not belong on. I will not make them out to be evil people just because they make my life a little harder. They are good people. They're just fucked up. As am I. And none is without reason.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24423312 - 06/21/17 09:37 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Making this shit 10x harder on me though.

Which, in large part, is why I pretty much immediately called it off with my partner when she got frustrated with me and told me how hard it is to be positive when I'm "always like this."


The whole reason I have been with her is because I thought she could deal with me. I've leaned on her alot. I feel bad for that. But right now I really don't fucking need anything else to feel bad about. The last 2 years have been hard as shit. And I know it's not fair and not right to constantly be learning on someone. But if I can't then all there will be is that bite. And that will end us in an even worse way.


We talked. We made up. Kinda. But I still feel like it was the right thing to do. It was just excruciating to do it. I still hurt for having done it. On top of everything else I don't need myself being suicidal. Unlike my mother I won't wail about it and threaten it. I'll just do it.

I'm probably the worst bottler. And I've tried really hard to work on that. Which I think is why I lost all my friends last year. Told them too much. Too often. All being open seems to do is drag others down with me. And that idea has always been intolerable for me. I'd always rather be the one to suffer over someone I care about.

Been working on that too. But everyone getting fed up with me all around the same time kinda... Well it really fed that bad wolf.


I do not think my partner will be able to deal with me in the long term. And I won't be able to deal with her if I'm constantly upsetting her with my own stupid problems.

I don't really have anyone else right now though. I don't think I could take a break up right now. Unless she did it. Which would still hurt like all fucking hell. But it would at least absolve me of some guilt. And I would know, 100%, that it is the right thing.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24423590 - 06/21/17 11:23 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

I apologize if those posts are a little dysfunctional.

I splinted my shins Monday and I'm fighting a kidney infection on top of... Everything else I've been whining about. I've been in a good nice pleasant bit of pain. And today I am on good nice pleasant bit of drugs.


I didn't reply last night cuz I didn't have drugs, my mom was flipping out, and I would have bit. I wanted to bite.

But I don't want to bite.


I'm a teddy bear.
That happens to also be a grizzly bear at times.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24423756 - 06/21/17 12:38 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Honestly if she does follow through with her threats to cut my god mom off then I'll have to... Bust her shitty little bubble... So to speak. I won't blame her for my dad's depression, severe anxiety, high blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes even though the 'logic' is the same. My dad drank two liters of Coca-Cola a day for years trying to work 2 jobs at times and do things with us kids and trying to take care of the house. I know in large part he was reckless with his health because of how my mom treated him. My mom thinks my grandpa smoked so much because of how my godmother treated him.
.






i find i'm unable to deal with people [completely] lacking in personal responsibility AND/OR who don't understand the depths of personal responsibility. 


it sounds to me like your mom wants to live everyone-elses' lives and not her own, because she is fully aware she's done nothing with her life but meddle in others' affairs, never LIVING for herself


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Re: not long term material [Re: demiu5]
    #24423861 - 06/21/17 01:15 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

My mother has made huge strides in making her life less pathetic. In large part I was more angry with her than anything because she fails to understand the concept of karma. She does not want to see how her actions lead to her consequences.

Some part of her understands this. It is not a conscious realization though. She has done much more in the past 2 years than she has in 10. She's been to concerts and soap making classes and made candles and stuff. She let her depression take over her life and her marriage. Some part of her knows this. She actually does things after work now. She sleeps in the same bed with my father.

In part I saw this as an attempt at control, because she does not trust my father anymore. She always scoffed at his friends. He made friends shortly before his affair. She hates them. She blames them for my father losing his inhibitions.


It's like blaming marijuana for a person becoming a heroin addict.

I admit there is a small tiny nugget of truth in that but she seems unable to see the whole picture. There is a hard focus on details. I've inherited this too but I've always seen how toxic that is so I've always tried to see the bigger picture.


I've been angry at my mother because she is once again only grasping pieces of the puzzle.


Religion being a big piece.
I am happy she has found spiritual purpose in life. But it is all consuming. There is this idea that all this is for "God's glory." and only through Christ is there happiness.


My mother has always tried to manipulate me into doing what she thinks is right. Well in Christianity, after being "saved by Jesus" the only purpose in life is to bring more people to God. That in itself is fine. The method and definitions of it are fucked. I was raised Christian. I can't stand it anymore. It always makes me feel like I've done wrong.


I thought my parents were willfully ignorant of my sexuality. They surprised me last year by trying to say I did not want to attend church due to my lesbianism. They don't like it, but they say they love me regardless and God loves me regardless and that's fine enough. They tend not to agree with much of my personal identity, hopes, and dreams, so my sexuality is a nearly irrelevant piece of that. I know full well though that none of my partners will ever be an angel in flesh to my mother. No matter how good they are. They will always be tainted.


I love my mom. And I want her to be happy.
I am doubtful it will ever happen though.
Dementia runs in my family and I fear she has showed signs of early onset since she went into menopause a few years ago. It's rather hard to tell though since she's on so much medication and now drinking a ton too. She's rotting her brain and I am afraid as far as she has come is as far as she will ever go.


I'll be happy when I can move out and move on. Happier anyway. When I can finally focus on me again. I made great strides a few years ago. Have sadly done some heavy backtracking since. My family is partly responsible, my partner is partly responsible, my job is partly responsible, life is partly responsible, and I am wholly responsible.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24428399 - 06/23/17 06:10 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Alcoholism and abuse can replicate outward signs in of itself, without being actual Dementia. Just as you say- It rots the brain. Segue from a younger post: one example of wanting to be nothing like my mother- I used to tote a bottle of dark rum almost everywhere I went.. because of her habit, you can be sure that I am completely turned off from even moderate/social drinking.. I don't touch it whatsoever. I can tell if she has had even one glass. Just by her voice.. her personality completely changes, its like she put on a mask of someone else as soon as she pours that bottle.. I hate alcohol.

My mother, being similar in her wreckless drinking, is true to her faith. Although not as extreme of a christian, from how it sounds. If I may, I'm telling you- It's an impossible situation that youre being sucked into. You unfortunately can't save her. As unhappy as she is, by not seeking help it would seem that there's at least one aspect that she likes enough to hold on to. Maybe its habitual, engrained security blanket.

Arms length away, its the only way, I'm telling ya..

Be careful that you haven't swung irrational, yourself.  The situation with your lady sounds extreme, seems very black and white. Perhaps I speak for myself, but anytime I want to cut someone off, or flee to another country, I have to ask : is it me or my mom making the executive decision?

Have you had the conversation about tolerance level within your relationship? If I recall, you caught her in lie not long ago.  Has this been resolved/worked through?

Keep in mind, its not growth/change if its easy/comes natural.  After identifying my own shortcomings, usually a skewed outlook, extreme thinking, anger.. I say to myself, 'Opposite Action!'  It's so true, if its not automatic, fake it until ya make it! And commit to it.


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Re: not long term material [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #24436621 - 06/26/17 01:00 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

It has been really hard the last few days.

I've felt like I'm being pushed over the edge.


Months ago my mother tried to claim my grandpa didn't do anything for anyone and only for himself. He passed away yesterday. She insists he loved us and wanted to do more with us but couldn't because of the evil controlling witch that is my godmother.

Yesterday I spent most of the day with her. She thinks God is the only one that has ever done good in her life. She told me my dad abused her, that he always looked at other women. When I remember he never raised his voice to her. Yet she was always shouting at him. She really thinks my dad mistreated her because she wanted his affection but he never showed it. Knowing her she never communicated that and my father, based on how she treated him, probably assumed she didn't want that shit.

Abuse was the exact word she used.
My ex was a whole lot like her. The constant misinterpretation of something negative and offensive. That is abuse. Even though she did bottle it up she constantly made her anger and resentment of all the layers of perceived injustice well known.


Not even sure what I want to cry about right now. That my mom is seriously mentally fucked. That my dad has been made to believe he actually is the bad guy. Or that my grandpa is dead.




I am aware what I did with my gf was impulsive. But I still don't think it was necessarily wrong. While she has supported me she has also been a constant source of pressure. I do her lots of favors and she wouldn't do any for me. (this has gotten somewhat better.) She wants me to not only help her find a new job but to actually find a job for her that she can approve and apply. I wanted her to stay on disability because I know she can't hardly do shit. Not shit that's available. The state cut the benefits plan. She would have just had to apply for another. She wants a job and I totally understand that but I can't imagine her being able to get any full time job she could tolerate.
She too is another woman that is not wholly aware of reality.


It is largely the kinds of shit my ex put me through that makes it so difficult for me to be with my partner now. We both have a temper but where I'd rather bite my tongue till it bleeds she will go ahead and yell at me.

Abuse, actual abuse, is something that sticks with you. It makes you feel like you are going to be abused for some perceived wrong all the time. Even if your abuser is long gone. You still hear them screaming and criticizing and mocking when they are not there. I had to rehabilitate myself after I finally got away from my ex. It took years and alot of work. My biggest problem is between fights with my current gf and my mom flying off the handles... I feel that again. I feel terribly insecure. Not that I'm doing everything wrong (well not often that) but that everything I am doing will be perceived as wrong. I have always tried my best to be a good person, except when I snapped, even then I tried but for a very convoluted definition of "good"... And despite how hard I tried and everything I sacrificed every other word out my mouth would be taken some mean nasty way that I would never have done. That no matter how hard I tried to do a favor, even when I was ill, it wouldn't be right and I'd be a lazy selfish asshole.

I think this too fuels the idea that no one understands me.
I feel like my partner is finally learning how to grasp her temper. But I fear it is too late for that. I dunno if I can get over all the times she's snapped at me, and lied to me, not because of what she has done, but because that abused mindset comes back and completely fucks me. I can't trust her. Not because I won't forgive her but because I've been too stupid too many times to completely trust someone that has broken it before.

Ironically when I withdrew alot of my openness and connection to her our relationship improved alot. I dunno what that's about. But that alone makes me think that maybe we aren't meant to be together.




I was still drinking after I got diagnosed with hepatitis (non viral) ... I can't get drunk anymore either. And my liver metabolizes alcohol so poorly that I get drunk from 3 beers or 2 shots of decent liquor. Basically can't drink at all anymore. And it's not because it's killing my liver. It's because the thought of losing my mind in that shiit, like my mom does, makes me fucking sick.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24437011 - 06/26/17 03:56 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Shutting out the negative talk is super hard. Ive struggled with that negative internal speech too: "youre boring, youre not manly enough, u dont show her enough love", etc etc.

I broke those thoughts from being with my woman for 6 years and finally getting to a point of feeling comfortable. No longer do i doubt myself cause the relationship feels stable, strong and i can depend on her to "turn around" when ive messed up. Seeing that strong bond puts those negative thoughts behind.

Also its important to learn how to not be *too* dependent on your partner. U gotta find your own peace, your own piece of happiness as well which your partner adds to it.

I see it as a life long learning experience. Ive had the cosmic joke thought, like Im "Gods fuck up", but now i see it as a life long challange. Everyone has their own issues they need to work out, some more complex than others. U gotta rise to the challenge and figure out how to deal with your thoughts and feelings in a productive way instead of a destructive way. Thats the real challenge there.

I wouldnt give up Cookies. If youve been in love, then u have love to share. U just need to learn to make it work in the long term, which many people have a hard time with. Its a life long challenge.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #24442052 - 06/28/17 12:22 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Think of the solution, not the problem.
Problem is the solution feels so far away.

I know that my parents relationship makes me fear my own. My parents have been together for over 30 years. Unhappy with eachother. Each never getting what they wanted, each feeling they gave more than the other, gave everything, for little in return.

I do not want to feel like that.

She knows the balance is on her end on that one. I have withdrawn. It is up to her to give. And she has given me much during the last few weeks. But I'm not sure... I feel her heart, some part of it, has been locked away for so long. I will never see it. And I do not want to give my own if I will not get hers. I feel like it is stupid, very stupid, to try so hard to hang on to something destined to fail. We both have physical and mental issues. I don't think it's gonna work because we... How do I explain this... She locks things away. Away from herself as much as anyone else. Being someone who has actually been abused, enough to still be injured 20 some years later, I can understand why she does these things. And me... I'm scared of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of being yelled at and ridiculed or just not getting a satisfactory reaction. I feel like that might be some part of my mom in me but I have communicated these issues... And she has made an effort to improve them. I've made bounds and strides (is that even the saying?) in being less upset when I don't get what I want/expect/desire.

She is who she is and I am who I am. We can work together. But nothing will change who we are. We often act the way we do to deal with our demons.

I can't see her pushing hard enough to meet me at my level.
I will not come down to hers. We cannot meet we cannot work. Is that not how it should be?


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OfflineWiiiiilson
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24461284 - 07/06/17 07:28 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Side step for a moment - I skipped some of the middle posts -
But how did the initial girl work out? Still chatting? Trying the long distance thing?
Do you still feel the same way about her?


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: not long term material [Re: Wiiiiilson]
    #24463375 - 07/06/17 08:50 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Same girl in my recent posts. She sold her home to resolve all her debt and is renting a house. Still in another state though. She wanted to move with me but I rejected it because I'm not capable of actually having her, I don't want to feel rushed to get her in a home, and she has no savings. She has bad impulse problems. So now her problem is they cut off her disability because they're broke bastards and she can't find work. I told her I want her to get work, get some savings, get something recent to put on a resume. Before she comes down here. She's having a hard time with that, unsurprisingly. She's been on disability for a reason... Several reasons. I said in a recent post she'd been abused and neglected. She has severe scoliosis. Nothing can be done for it, surgery would kill her. She can't do loud or high pitched noises. She doesn't have half the vision in her left eye and bad vision in both eyes because of optical nerve damage from being beaten with a bat.

I really wish she would let me help her reapply for disability benefits. She's not guaranteed to get it but I don't see what it'd hurt to try. But she knows she can make more money working. She wants an at home computer job since she knows she can do that much. But most of those "jobs" are call center shit and her mental health will keep her from that. Others require a shit load of credentials she doesn't have. Others require tenure in an office.

I do still love her. I'm not so sure she's ... The one for me. She's impressively stubborn and independent but poorly motivated. I can't support her. Not completely. And I very much fear I may end up having to. Even if she does get work she's not likely to keep it. She had a restaurant job breifly last year and had to quit because it hurt to be up on her feet all day. She needs a very specific kind of work and does not have very particular qualifications.


If anything I feel I'm disillusioned. Like I don't see a legitimately hopeful future for us anymore.
I feel like the only reason I didn't want to end it is because I need the comfort so badly right now. And because I felt guilty. But I feel guilty now too because I know my motivation is selfish.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24470840 - 07/09/17 06:05 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Yep. My parents house is fucking my head all the hell up.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs] * 1
    #24472289 - 07/10/17 10:53 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

I'll always be there for you Cookie. Don't worry


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Re: not long term material [Re: Patlal]
    #24472300 - 07/10/17 11:01 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

:bunnyhug: thank you Pat. You're a good kitty.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24477207 - 07/12/17 04:15 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Yep. My parents house is fucking my head all the hell up.




Is it possible to move out?


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Re: not long term material [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #24477270 - 07/12/17 05:54 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Yeah thatd be my recommendation. Move away from the pressure and the negativity, but not so far away that you can't visit easily.


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Re: not long term material [Re: Wiiiiilson] * 1
    #24477887 - 07/12/17 12:28 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Nope can't move I'm stuck here forever and completely fucked.

:rolleyes:

On the 2nd page I mentioned I bought an acre of land and a small beat up old house. It is not in living condition right now but I recently put a little pop up camper on the property. I can't live live in that but it will definitely help seriously reduce the amount of time I have to spend in my rents house.


Home, my new home, has had good vibes. Those vibes have always had like a curtain over it. Because I knew, well before I even bought it, it would be beyond stressful and headache inducing to get it set up.
My brother has more or less dropped out completely. I'm not entirely sure what I'll do but I'm gonna put my super woman pants on and start cracking at it myself.

Dunno if I'm gonna keep the honey bees living in the side of the home yet but either way they've given the place good vibes too. And before anything else I'm gonna find a good home for the colony. Kinda need to. Hoping I can get a bee keeper there to get them out this month. Either way I'm happy that such vital animals to the ecosystem decided to make my home their home while I wasn't using it. And I'm happy I'll be able to help them find a good home as I need mine.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24478672 - 07/12/17 06:17 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Man that sounds magical!


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs] * 1
    #24481960 - 07/14/17 02:36 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

U bought your own property? Right on Cookie! Thats awesome.

Sounds like u are making big strides in your life. In a matter of years, u might even be able to live on your land. In the meantime, enjoy the good vibes of your chill home.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24487567 - 07/16/17 02:41 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Making this shit 10x harder on me though.

Which, in large part, is why I pretty much immediately called it off with my partner when she got frustrated with me and told me how hard it is to be positive when I'm "always like this."


The whole reason I have been with her is because I thought she could deal with me. I've leaned on her alot. I feel bad for that. But right now I really don't fucking need anything else to feel bad about. The last 2 years have been hard as shit. And I know it's not fair and not right to constantly be learning on someone. But if I can't then all there will be is that bite. And that will end us in an even worse way.


We talked. We made up. Kinda. But I still feel like it was the right thing to do. It was just excruciating to do it. I still hurt for having done it. On top of everything else I don't need myself being suicidal. Unlike my mother I won't wail about it and threaten it. I'll just do it.

I'm probably the worst bottler. And I've tried really hard to work on that. Which I think is why I lost all my friends last year. Told them too much. Too often. All being open seems to do is drag others down with me. And that idea has always been intolerable for me. I'd always rather be the one to suffer over someone I care about.

Been working on that too. But everyone getting fed up with me all around the same time kinda... Well it really fed that bad wolf.


I do not think my partner will be able to deal with me in the long term. And I won't be able to deal with her if I'm constantly upsetting her with my own stupid problems.

I don't really have anyone else right now though. I don't think I could take a break up right now. Unless she did it. Which would still hurt like all fucking hell. But it would at least absolve me of some guilt. And I would know, 100%, that it is the right thing.





Well their is your problem. Trust me I'm a fucked up person myself. I go into every new relationship giving them the honest truth and they break up with me in a month give or take.

It's nice to have someone to lean on but you have to be a decent human being yourself. You can't expect them to hold you up if your an asshole.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24487613 - 07/16/17 03:01 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Cookie it sounds like you need to keep working on yourself.  It sounds to me like you have some heavy codependence issues which are causing problems.  It's good to have someone to lean on when you need, thats part of what a partner does and all, but not if its too heavy for the person, and to often.  People can only handle someone else bringing them down so long before it leaves the realm of helping and enters the darker realm of codependence and misery. 

I know you know all of this already, but, still, it doesnt hurt to hear it again.

You are loved,
You are important.
You are special.
You are appreciated.

If you need people to lean on, you can always post here or send me a PM or I'm sure any number of people here.  Maybe it will help lighten the load a bit on your girl, maybe it will help you get some perspective you're not quite seeing on your own, or maybe it won't do anything but make you feel a little tiny bit better.  Who knows.

I think you said before you were in therapy or have been?  If you are not, I would def suggest it.  A lot of people write it off without giving it a try, or trying it again after some failed (in their eyes) attempt years prior.

Work on making yourself happy!  A happy you is an attractive you!


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quote]Urb said:
I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]


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Re: not long term material [Re: mndfreeze] * 1
    #24490218 - 07/17/17 08:04 PM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Well the thread is about me so I make it about me. I don't much like talking about other people's problems and shortcomings. I know the whole idea of "no one can deal with me" is a self-depreciating all encompassing sense of guilt that comes out of a fear, and experience, of abandonment.

But honestly I've been through alot of shit in the last 2 years. My partner is almost constantly distracted. She, much like myself, keeps quiet until she blows up. We've had so many fights over this. I try to get her to talk to me, to share with me, but I think like she thinks that nothing she has is worth talking about. So that builds and then she takes on my stuff too and then she ends up blowing up.


I almost feel like it's not worth explaining. Or trying to explain. I don't often feel like that anymore so it's strange to encounter that in this.

I love the woman but I do not think she is open enough and I have not been stable enough for us to really meet eachother at the same level.
I feel like it has been an experience to show that we are incompatible. Not as we are. She's gotten better about not blowing up and, up until grandpa got sick, I had been doing better with coping more quietly. Healing after everything. I got set off. And her snapping at me set me off all the more. If we cannot manage to meet eachother in the middle and give eachother both the support and space we need in times of trouble then we shouldn't be life partners. I don't want that. I couldn't do this my whole life. I'd rather be alone. As painful as that is.

She had been very supportive since I broke up with her and we got back together. But my worry is that is only the case because she almost lost me.


My dad was in the hospital last year. I was with him most of the time, while also working, taking care of him. We fought then because I couldn't get my head straight. Literally that's what we fought about, I said I wanted to talk to her about something and couldn't figure out how to put it into words when we had the chance to talk so she got mad.
Twice I've had panic attacks and, due to my inability to communicate it at the time beyond 'I'm having a panic attack', we've gotten into spats.
I've had some of the worst health episodes in the last 2 years in a long time. She says she understands, and she does to some degree, but I think her own insecurities come in and make her think I'm just making excuses to not spend time with her and to do things with her and do as I had planned to.

She stopped making me feel young and lighthearted a while ago. For the most part. Too many fights. In anything else, most any other relationship I've had, I'd swallow all the guilt. All the fault. I've learned that I simply can't do that. Perhaps I have made a similar mistake with this thread.


If I had to measure up all the comfort she has brought me vs all the pain our relationship has given me I can't say which would be the bigger of the two. I don't feel that's how it should be.


I don't have many friends right now. None I regularly talk to. So I appreciate the offer on that.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24491273 - 07/18/17 09:12 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

I dont want to try to influence you one way or the other, but I want to lay it out how I see it.
She used to make you happy and over time that has decreased.
You both have issues, but that everyone does.
You both have appeared to have developed and tried to make things work - this is a good sign that you both can change for the better.
Many of the circumstances that have made things difficult were out of your control - your health, your sick grandpa, work etc.
Her reaction to the difficult situations was not ideal - but as I said, you have both shown the ability to change and develop.

I dont think she's a lost cause. Things arent always meant to be rosey -they say love is patient, after all. This is the kind of pain that is making you reflect and grow so it's not all negative. At the same time, if it's really really sapping you and stopping you from progressing in life then maybe it's just not meant to be.

I feel like I dont have a lot of friends I can really talk to at the moment either - if it's any consolation.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24493332 - 07/19/17 03:01 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Im sorry youre in such a dark place cookies, hurts me too. So u two arent together anymore?

Sounds like a toxic relationship to me. As i mentioned in another thread, open communication between both partners is absolutely critical to the sucess of a relationship. Hands down the most important aspect in my opinion. And being loving, supportive and comprimizing when needed are also super critical too.

I would say u need to spend some time alone to heal and decompress then try find a better, more openly communicative woman with a more mature handle on her emotions.


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Re: not long term material [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #24493874 - 07/19/17 09:51 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

We got back together.
You and Wilson are both right I think. We are both works in progress, and we have both progressed... But I think my patience is about spent. I feel like, in some measure, I've already given up on us. And our relationship improved since. There's a lesson in that, somewhere, but I can't figure out where.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24493897 - 07/19/17 10:10 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

I see.

Ya, sounds tough. I mean if your energy is spent, what else can u do?

U either stick it out longer and see if the relationship can evolve to even better terms or just throw in the towel and call it quits.

No right answer here, its really up to u to descide if the relationship is worth sticking out with. I like to stay optimistic and say keep going, it could get better, but really its up to u if its worth the effort to keep trying.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24493953 - 07/19/17 10:40 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
...But I think my patience is about spent. I feel like, in some measure, I've already given up on us. And our relationship improved since. There's a lesson in that, somewhere, but I can't figure out where.




Maybe because there's less pressure to be happily ever after, more opportunity to enjoy another as you should?


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Re: not long term material [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #24494007 - 07/19/17 11:09 AM (6 years, 6 months ago)

Less pressure, less desire, less expectation, less drive, less passion.

I am happy when I am passionate. I am passionate when I am happy. The intensity involved can take a pretty hard turn and dive down and out into bad places, but it is the flavor of life I live for.

Alot of the passion is dead I think, on both ends, which does remove significant amounts of pressure, and lowers the key of intensity that comes with it. And thus reduces the likelihood of fights.

Yes I think that is it.



I know I need some time and space to get my head straight. Just haven't really been capable of doing that. I'm afraid to make a mistake.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24569101 - 08/21/17 10:22 AM (6 years, 5 months ago)

So... Last week was difficult. I'd been feeling emotionally sensitive. Someone got the idea to help me. Wanted me to talk about my problems. I didn't want to talk about my problems. My problems were pretty much just emotional. But I knew they weren't going to drop it so I got into some things that have been bothering me more recently. Their response was "you're not the only one with problems." literal exact statement. And it was the third time they'd told me this. I'd told them I don't appreciate it and it doesn't help.

My problems I confessed were actually largely problems of people I care about so the "you're selfish" interpretation of that makes no sense. Especially since I didn't approach them.

So the actual meaning behind that statement has to be "get over it."

I don't like being a burden. I don't like troubling anyone. I don't like hurting anyone. I don't like talking about my problems because of this. Because many people have told me many things similar. My partner has backlashed at me at least twice for my depression. For complaining. I feel that also contributed to the loss of alot of friends. So I've tried REALLY hard to stop complaining.


So... In short, I was fucking triggered. I'd already had the "I should just die" thoughts in my head. That shit really did not help.
My very first instinctual reaction was to punch myself in the head for being a dumbass.

That's bad. Got some control of myself. Got up to walk off some of that pent up energy. Ended up punching a steel door instead. Dented the door. Bruised and bloodied my knuckles. Didn't even feel it at the time. Was aware enough to know I didn't want to break my hand. Went and locked myself in the bathroom so I could cry myself out without hurting myself too much. I did that and then spent a few hours talking to and ranting to myself. Always good to talk to myself. I don't get much opportunity to living at home. Too much pressure. Too much paranoia. But it's one of the best ways I have to reason with myself, to stop the self hating self pitying bullshit, and to make sense of things that don't seem to make any sense. Plus I tend to agree with myself and I don't have to guess about what I'm not saying.


Felt alot better. Feel like that stuff had been building up for well over a year. Hadn't really been able to get it out because, among other things, I feel the need to be strong, to protect and care for the people around me, and to keep going no matter what. I don't know when to turn that off. I don't know how to let that go and grieve when I need to. I fear if I do I will be consumed by the crippling depression and anxiety that has plagued me for most of my life. And I can't afford to do that and lose all my progress. I feel like I'm almost to the final boss and losing a "life" now would make me have to start the whole game over again.

Talking about these things seems to just make other people feel as helpless about me as I'd feel about myself. I don't truly feel helpless but shit always builds up on me and feels overwhelming. I convey those feelings, or hide them, and it doesn't satisfy anyone. It just makes them want to give up on me. Until they decide they don't want to give up on me.


I wish people would leave me alone if they don't actually want to deal with me. I don't try to make anyone do anything for me. Most people don't do anything for me because of that.

That's exactly why I broke up with my partner in June (and got back together later.) she said something, in a long string of somethings, that lead me to believe she was sick of dealing with me. So I made the decision for her. Of course she apologized and said she didn't mean it.


But if no one means it why do they keep saying it?


Loneliness is heartwrenching but at least I know what to expect when I'm alone. At least I don't have to worry about anyone else.
Is that what is actually selfish? not wanting to worry about hurting people all the time?

I dunno.
I really don't get people. If they weren't obviously terrestrial I'd think they're aliens.
I guess, since they are, I must be the alien.




I don't feel like I got quite everything out.
I will try harder to keep it to tears and senseless babbling next time though. My body is beat up enough as it is.


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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24569926 - 08/21/17 04:53 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

High cookiecrumbs, we haven't spoke much and i don't normally butt in to peoples buisness. you seem like a sweet personson. I don' t have much advice to give on relationships, it always seems the more emotionaly attached i get the fatser things end for me. All i can say is shoot the wolves and make a coat. No matter how bad things get, it can always go further down hill, and it will get better at some point. To quote a cliche, you have to get back on the saddle. Also, sometimes the horse throws a shoe and brakes a leg and has to be put down and you have to get another horse.keep the bees. Bees are awesome and it's not hard to care for them. Always remember you deserve to be happy and i hope it gets better for you :smile:


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Re: not long term material [Re: Yahoo_Laduesh]
    #24570050 - 08/21/17 05:22 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

I've been the depressed friend who lays his problems out and Ive been the ear for a depressed partner.
When you're the one trying to help, it is extremely frustrating (hear me out). You want to help, but all of your suggestions and advice are shot down. This is frustration in it's purest form. At some point, your patience wears down and you say stupid things in a last ditch attempt to help. But thats where it's coming from. When someone you love is depressed, you just want to help.

Personally, as the depressed person, I learned that I had to control my thoughts. Some thoughts weren't worth thinking and now I stay away from them altogether. Other thoughts come from being around certain people and situations - I minimise my time around those people and situations, but when I have to be around them, I just have to be firm in what I think and feel.

I dont think it's good to just talk yourself out of a state 'because you don't disagree with yourself'. If what you believe is being challenged a lot, perhaps you need to really examine what those things are and why you believe them. Don't do it when you're already triggered. Try to think about it clearly and logically - pros and cons, implications and why you believe them.

That's enough of me being preachy for one day


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OfflineWiiiiilson
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Re: not long term material [Re: Wiiiiilson]
    #24570080 - 08/21/17 05:28 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

....ok one more thing.

People who have never been severely depressed won't know what it's like and just can't understand how bad you really feel and how sensitive you can become to even the slightest things - which can also lead to extremely 'helpful' advice like "Youre not the only person with problems".
Just try not to take it so hard when these are the kind of responses you get I suppose is my point. They just don't know how hard it is to be inside your head.


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Re: not long term material [Re: Wiiiiilson]
    #24570582 - 08/21/17 08:56 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Wiiiiilson said:
I've been the depressed friend who lays his problems out and Ive been the ear for a depressed partner.
When you're the one trying to help, it is extremely frustrating (hear me out). You want to help, but all of your suggestions and advice are shot down. This is frustration in it's purest form. At some point, your patience wears down and you say stupid things in a last ditch attempt to help. But thats where it's coming from. When someone you love is depressed, you just want to help.

Personally, as the depressed person, I learned that I had to control my thoughts. Some thoughts weren't worth thinking and now I stay away from them altogether. Other thoughts come from being around certain people and situations - I minimise my time around those people and situations, but when I have to be around them, I just have to be firm in what I think and feel.

I dont think it's good to just talk yourself out of a state 'because you don't disagree with yourself'. If what you believe is being challenged a lot, perhaps you need to really examine what those things are and why you believe them. Don't do it when you're already triggered. Try to think about it clearly and logically - pros and cons, implications and why you believe them.

That's enough of me being preachy for one day




I get what you're saying. And it's always been a difficult balance for me. I've struggled for so long with repression that I try to be more open now so I don't go full blown psycho... alot of people don't understand that I don't often want advice. I don't want generic "cheer up" shit. I just wanna talk. That's why I end up talking to myself. I don't give myself shit. I don't have expectations for myself except to do the best I can in the moment.

Part of being the way I am, borderline, is it is very difficult for people to follow my train of thought. And it's really difficult for me to express that. Misunderstandings have come to bother me a lot.

And I do still have a level of patience, especially when I know someone is trying to help. But I also really hate being pressed to do something I don't want to do. And me giving in only for that person who pushed me to get miffed because I didn't end up giving them exactly what they wanted? :fuckyou:



I feel like alot of my youth and innocence has left me in the last year and a half.

You're absolutely right that they have a point.
I've seen it through much of my life with my parents. Not being able to help is really fucking shitty for someone you care about.

But I also know what I need to be in a better place. I know that it's not really going to come until I put in the time and effort (and money) to get there. I might temporarily feel better from time to time but for now it's pretty much everything I can do to manage a somewhat melancholy baseline.



There's not really any advice that anyone can give me, nor most words of comfort, that I haven't heard before... or are relevant to what I need.


It reminds me alot of when people kept telling me I needed a girlfriend. No shit sherlock, I know I'm lonely. Not just going to start dating some random lady and think that's going to be the solution to all my problems.

I have all this shit sorted out in my head but I can't just make it appear overnight. Especially when some of it involves other people. I need to be patient. And people telling me what I do or do not need doesn't help but I usually appreciate it. I explain why it's not a feasible solution at the moment. They act like I'm resisting happiness and maybe I am. It's all just putting more and more pressure on me, when I'm already doing all I can.


I'm trying really hard to make everything work out the way it needs to... I know some of my frustration is the fact that pretty much everyone has their own idea of what I need to be happy. What I need to do with my own life.


I don't tell people how bad my health is because I get told to go to the doctor. And then I explain to them how many doctors I've been to over how many years and how many tests and failed treatments I've had and they still say "well did you try another doctor?"


What I really want is to just be told that it's going to be okay. That everything will work out if I keep pushing.
I don't think anyone has told me that in years.
I wanna be told that I'm doing okay. Good even.


Instead I feel like people constantly criticize me. Tell me what I'm not doing. Tell me what I should be doing.

The praise I get at work is extremely belated. But at least I have a new manager who will actually give it. She's helped ease some of my stress at work. Home has been driving me crazy lately. And I can't really explain that to anyone. What it's like to live with the people I do. How they don't understand how my health is. How I get criticized for random simple shit. And what it's like to live in the house you grew up in in overwhelming constant fear and anxiety. I know that's feeding everything.

And I get told "so move out"
Again, no shit sherlock.


My partner at least understands most of this stuff now. She has her moments though, her moods, that tend to clash with mine. And that's when alot of the stupid shit gets said.


My problem, more than pretty much anything else in the very most general sense, is that I'm fucking tired of everything. I was 2 years ago. When I got back on meds. Before my family went crazy and started dying. Or near dying.

Now my mom kinda all but gave up on life, my dad is pretty much devoting his to keep her alive, my little bro and his gf are miserable drug addicts (who often take my shit) the house is a cluttered mess, I'd clean it but the very same day it's a disaster zone again, I'm in pain pretty much constantly and cleaning up after 5 people and 4 pets that don't give a shit is too hard and not worth it. I constantly feel pressure whether or not I have people telling me they want this or that from me. I'm almost constantly on edge. I can't fully recover from the revival of my PTSD because I don't have a home. I don't have a place of stability or security. I have the woods. It's the only place I feel okay, I feel comfortable, and relatively safe. And I can't live there. I get away as often as I can but I know I have to go back and my mood immediately sinks every time I do.


Nothing can be done for that. Not right now. I don't make enough to renovate my house and live in a hotel. Shit I don't make enough to live in a hotel period. I tried to move out a few times over the last few years but my plans always fell through.

Thought about living in my tent but my health isn't good enough for that. I developed that kidney infection I mentioned earlier because I couldn't get dry quick enough on my last camping trip.


Life is hard for everyone.. I know that. I haven't devoted so much time trying to help people because I thought otherwise. I've just been going through a hard time. And unfortunately, because shit kept coming, it's been a relatively long time. People losing patience with me when I don't have a whole lot of patience myself is... Well it's not surprising it's fucking triggering.

I don't want to be on meds anymore either.
I don't want to smoke anymore either.
Quitting either is apparently impossible right now. Not without something else breaking.


I do feel like an alien.
I want to go home.
Want to have a home to go to.
Have always wanted and never really had that.
Thought I'd found it once, with my ex fiance, turned out to be a nightmare.
Pretty sure I largely have that situation to thank for the PTSD.
I'm done. That's it. Thanks for your responses and thank you for reading. It really does help to talk this stuff out.

And it sounds a little less crazy than talking to myself.


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OfflineYahoo_Laduesh
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24570668 - 08/21/17 09:40 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

Some times the hope that things will get better is all we have. Hank williams cenior once said in a song "no matter how i sruggle and strive, I'll never get out of this world alive". Clint black said " one mans half way up, is another mans half way down". It sucks that you catch so much crap. Have faith. It will get better eventually. Its cheesy but, you have to endeavor to persevere. I'll say a prayer for you :smile:    don't let bad juju win


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Re: not long term material [Re: Yahoo_Laduesh]
    #24570675 - 08/21/17 09:45 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Yahoo_Laduesh said:
Some times the hope that things will get better is all we have. Hank williams cenior once said in a song "no matter how i sruggle and strive, I'll never get out of this world alive".




:manofapproval:


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OfflineEnjoywho
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24570681 - 08/21/17 09:48 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
The other night I was trying to console my mom and it's a good example of... Well all of our problems. Of projection and misinterpretation.


A little back story, my dad was caught having an affair about 2 years ago. I don't blame him. My mom largely neglected him. They fought often. And by fight I mean my mom blaming and accusing him of not doing good enough. With us, with her, with the cleaning, whatever. And him simply trying to defend himself. My mom wasn't drinking much then. She has been on alot of medication though. For years she would get off work, eat something, over eating usually, and go to bed. She never went out. She never did anything.

And there's a whole lot of shit to that but both my parents were depressed and repressing it as much as they could. And it came to a rather violent head. After 25 years.


Anyway, the other night she tells my older brother "the last 2 months have been hard." (with my grandma and grandpa, her parents, being ill.) and he said "I know. The last 6 months have been hard for us." us being his wife and him. She told me it as he had said "well the last 6 months have been hard for us." in a scoffing tone. And proceeded to tell me that is the words of someone who hasn't known loss.

She said that if my brother keeps going down this path he will lose her. I don't know why but she believes my brothers' partners to be these angels in flesh.


My brother has been working himself to death. Getting 5 hours of sleep trying to renovate a house. And I'm sure fighting with his wife often. She wants him to take a break when he feels he can't but she also wants him to do more work.


This is what I mean. When you try to remind her she's not alone, that you're struggling too, she thinks you're trying to downplay her pain. I think in part it's the repression and in part it's because her parents did the same thing to her. I feel it is a long fucked up cycle.


And this in particular I think is a projection of what her father has done and in large part how she reacted to my father's affair is a prokection of that. She feels that my dad neglected her and denied her affection when it was largely she that pushed him away. They never slept in the same bed and she claims it's because my dad would kick her in his sleep. I have no idea if this is the truth but either way I think it was her that pushed him away. Especially with how she talks about my dad when they were young.


I am terrified of being like this. I've known other people that do this. That push people away with their actions and then believe that they are the ones that did wrong. I fear being blind to that reality. To the point that I did not doubt people at all. I thought the best of everyone and blamed myself if anything bad happened. Which lead me to being raped and abused and taken advantage of many times.


I don't feel any of us are bitter without reason. I am not distrustful without reason. I have not lost my patience with people without reason. I have been tried again and again and again. And now I know it's not worth it to take people's shit. I know that I cannot take all the fault. But... I am more than a little afraid about what is happening to my mind.




I feel it man. I want my ma to find love that isn't my abusive father. Every time she has dated she's so happy. And the dudes just are terrible people. I could give a shit less who ma dates as long as they shake my hand. Her history of dating is a murderer, a pedophile. etc.

I set her up a tinder profile.  Yep Yep nope nope.

I feel really bad for my ma. How terrible she just wants to be loved after having 4 kids and working her ass off. She does deserve to be a little happy.


--------------------
"I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks

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"In the days of kings and queens I was a jester."

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OfflineYahoo_Laduesh
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Re: not long term material [Re: Enjoywho]
    #24570707 - 08/21/17 10:01 PM (6 years, 5 months ago)

I love that Robert Radford movie cookie!!! Jeremiah Johnson, if I'm not mistaken. Good choice, he didn't give up!!!!  It's not always what you do or what you say that defines you, i believe it's what you survive. I caught him pilgrim, you shin em!!! Ha ha!!


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OfflineWiiiiilson
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Re: not long term material [Re: Yahoo_Laduesh]
    #24571054 - 08/22/17 03:44 AM (6 years, 5 months ago)

It does feel good to just talk it out doesnt it?

Sorry for pushing my advice on you and trying to tell you what you should do. I hate getting advice (which is pretty rich from a guy constantly giving it out).

It will get better. Things will come good!


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Re: not long term material [Re: Wiiiiilson]
    #24571460 - 08/22/17 10:41 AM (6 years, 5 months ago)

No reason to apologize. I know my perspective can be a little one sided sometimes so I appreciate getting other POVs.

Thank you both for your reassurance.

My therapist told me he felt like I lacked support growing up. I've been thinking about that. Thinking that may be why I hunger so much for "I support you, I am here for you, I am proud of you" and even if I hear it it often doesn't feel genuine or complete. Much less unconditional.

My partner is the only one that has given me unconditional support. She lacks a certain depth to it though. Has argued with me far too many times about random little shit for me to really feel satisfied. It may be the distance but I feel there is a serious disconnection of empathy.


Most people who interact with me in person often don't understand what I go through because I'm almost always composed. It makes my desire and ability to talk about that stuff in my head shut down even more. People tend not to take it seriously because I don't scream or cry or mope around all the time. I become distant and a little grumpy when shit gets really heavy but that normally is associated with tiredness as I do have frequent insomnia as well.
People who know and interact with me in person cannot imagine the things that I have gone through and what I live with. Because my composure establishes an expectation.


It is one thing that has made working with my doctors on my mental and physical health very difficult. Many seem to think I'm just being dramatic or even drug seeking.


It's become a phobia of mine to not be taken seriously when I'm talking about serious shit. I haven't seen a doctor in a while in large part because of that. Because the anxiety about the visits and tests, the disappointment in never learning anything new, the discomfort of tests and random treatments, an utter lack of support from my friends and family, and the concern of wtf is wrong with me and NEVER having an answer, to say nothing of the thousands of wasted dollars, has made me overwhelmingly resistant to the idea of not being listened to and not understood. I'd always had problems with those things, I think most people do, struggling with my health and useless doctors and downplaying family and confused friends (that often think I'm using my health problems as an excuse to ignore them) has made those problems have turned into impatience and intolerance to the very idea of them.

I try to moderate my thoughts and try to keep my mind open but even the idea that my conversation partner isn't listening or straight up doesn't believe me triggers an instinct to just shut down.


I shut down pretty hard a few times in my life. It just makes everything more difficult and often causes me to become careless. I try not to do that. But it's really hard when I feel so many people have given up on me and I want to give up on them. All of them. All people.
I don't actually want that. But it's hard for me to not think that might be for the best.


--------------------
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24573795 - 08/23/17 08:23 AM (6 years, 5 months ago)

Welp I've apparently done the infamous scorpio thing again. I held a ton of shit in and now I'm exploding.

Came home to an impromptu intervention last night where my dad was trying to handle my mom's drinking all on his own. Fuck I feel bad for him. He blames himself for everything bad that ever happened to us. Including everything I did to myself. And he doesn't wanna hear otherwise. Just like my mom doesn't wanna hear that we don't blame her for literally everything that ever went wrong.

So naturally the intervention was perceived as a punishment.


I was asked to put away some clean dishes I had washed right before I left for 2 weeks. Was 2 weeks ago and no one put them up because they are "mine".

Ignoring the senselessness of our cleanliness for the moment having to do that when I was so tired and achey all I wanted to do was lay down after writing procedures for work all day... I was forced to listen to it. Started shaking uncontrollably and before I knew it I was yelling at them.


I was able to calm down a little bit and help my dad try to talk some sense into my mom. I think I said most of the good stuff I should have. But I think all my mom will remember is how I yelled at her. And all I'll probably remember is how incredibly uncomfortable that shit makes me. I explained alot of the symptoms I'd noticed, explained how alcohol hurts her, told her I love her and I just want her to be happy.
I honestly just want everyone to be happy. Everyone has been very unhappy for a while now. And I dunno what to do about it.

People have told me you know "that's not your problem, let them deal with it." living with them makes it my problem. I hadn't been to see my older brother in nearly a year because he was killing himself at work and was constantly stressed out and angry or depressed. That hurts me too. I can't not be hurt by people I care about hurting.

Of all the fights me and my partner have had the only ones that really get to me and really cut me deep are the ones where I hurt her. I care more about other people than I have myself. Putting myself first is a very new thing for me. The shit with my family and their health has made me unable to do that. Because I NEED to be there for them. I need to help. Or the guilt will consume me.


Instead utter frustration is consuming me because my 'help' hasn't been helping. That's ironic.

Only I've sacrificed much of my health in order to help. I've been paying for that. I don't regret trying. I regret that I can't do more.



My mom dumped out what was left of her booze. We will see how it goes. Hopefully she can start to heal and not go back to complete repression.


I slept last night but I had alot of nightmares. Dreamed about my buddy, really good guy, that was shot and killed by his stepfather trying to break up a fight between him and his mom. Also dreamed about a little girl being tortured.

Well played subconscious.


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OfflinePatlal
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24573875 - 08/23/17 09:12 AM (6 years, 5 months ago)

Hey Cookie. How old are you? Where do you live? I assume you're a girl (I pretty much know, but we never truly know)?

Summarize it all for me, this thread is a long ass read.

Summarize it like:

Mother: (insert issues)-(cause)-(potential solution)-(What you can do about it)
Girlfriend: (insert issues)-(cause)-(potential solution)-(What you can do about it)
You:
Emotions:
Living arrangements:
etc

Short and sweet. Sometimes simplifying things actually opens your eyes on the obvious you've missed in the clusterfuck


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Re: not long term material [Re: Patlal]
    #24573887 - 08/23/17 09:18 AM (6 years, 5 months ago)

That will be quite a challenge little kitty. Ah... I get really fucking rambly. But I will try. Lemme think about that for a bit.


Yes I am female. A cis female.


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OfflinePatlal
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Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24573892 - 08/23/17 09:22 AM (6 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
That will be quite a challenge little kitty. Ah... I get really fucking rambly. But I will try. Lemme think about that for a bit.


Yes I am female. A cis female.




Try to make it as succict as possible. Robotic even. Write with your logic, not with your emotions. Emtions cloud everything. Logic is clear and precise.


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Re: not long term material [Re: Patlal]
    #24593235 - 08/31/17 12:03 PM (6 years, 4 months ago)

So I've calmed down and thought about it. And it has occurred to me the reason I snapped and the cause behind alot of my emotional distress is a lack of understanding. A lack of understanding for me by those in my life, an inability or a lack of desire to understand or be understanding.


It's something I grew up with.
Specifically misunderstanding.
And a harsh judgment about my character because of it. Caused me to cocoon all my feelings and lead to yet more misunderstandings.

So now that I'm trying to be more open with people who say they give a fuck about me and they still jump to false conclusions or don't try to give me the understanding I "deserve." it does more than piss me off.


I've dealt with that my entire life. It makes me feel isolated and alone. That not only is there no one in the world like me but also that there is no one that will understand me or even has the capability to be understanding with me. I've done that sort of thing with many people but it doesn't seem like anyone can do that for me. I dunno if it truly is because no one is built like me, or that I've just lucked out poorly, or that my perception is so clouded that I can't see the people who do give me that.

I'm confident that right now I don't really have anyone like that in my life at least. I feel my partner has only given me my ground because I've made it goddamn clear that anything less will be the end of us now.


Not just alone.
Forever alone.
Goes well beyond emotion.

I don't really feel like anyone can truly relate to me. Or wants to.

Don't blame them for not wanting to.... I don't want to...


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OfflineRoflspammer
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Re: not long term material [Re: Patlal]
    #24593714 - 08/31/17 04:18 PM (6 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Patlal said:
Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
That will be quite a challenge little kitty. Ah... I get really fucking rambly. But I will try. Lemme think about that for a bit.


Yes I am female. A cis female.




Try to make it as succict as possible. Robotic even. Write with your logic, not with your emotions. Emtions cloud everything. Logic is clear and precise.




Emotions are logical. They evolved through the same darwinian mechanism than manifested in the human species as the brain. Don't dismiss them, they are the human psyche


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Re: not long term material [Re: Roflspammer]
    #24811365 - 11/28/17 10:04 AM (6 years, 2 months ago)

"I love you, you're perfect and beautiful inside and out. You just fuck up all the time and I hate you for it."


:confused2:




I was told I was ugly and stupid almost everyday as a child. I don't take compliments particularly well. I take criticism from people I care about even more poorly. I've worked really hard at controlling my negative reactions to that so that I can work on my problems. But what am I to do when every decision feels like the wrong one. On one hand I hurt someone I love. On the other hand I do something I know will ultimately hurt me.

The simplest solutions is just to end the relationship with that person but I'm running pretty fucking short on persons now.




A reoccurring problem is my lack of commitment. Not to people, actually historically commit myself to a fault were I all but sacrifice my identity for that person. I lack commitment to time. To doing things when I say I'll do them. I've recognized this fault and counter it with being very vague with my commitments. Soon and maybe are words I say more than fuck or shit. I've also acknowledged that that too is irritating to people because they take things I don't mean from them. I've taken strides to be better at promising an accurate (but lenient) timeframe and actually following through with it. This however has been made virtually impossible with my health issues. I cancelled so many times to my best friend that "I don't feel well" became unacceptable. Which was partly my fault in not explaining the seriousness or extent of my problems. Which I still hate doing. Naturally being the big fat stubborn fuck up I am I only began to try to explain it, explain how often I was in the doctor's or the hospital or laying in bed wondering if I should call an ambulance, after our relationship was pretty much over.

Shortly after he was diagnosed with cancer and is thankfully in remission now but I feel awful for not being there for him when he needed me.
Granted that being there would have included kicking his ass for smoking and boozing through treatment.




Anyway I guess that's the heart of the issue, why I made this thread. I seem decent enough with short term casual relationships but people get really annoyed with my personality over time. And the more negatively they react to my shitty character flaws the worse those flaws become. I've had a really difficult time thinking at all lately around or about certain people because I'm so terrified everything I say is wrong, that I'll receive harsh criticism. It's not that it makes me mad or insecure or something like what most people think when they hear someone say they don't take criticism. It doesn't bust my ego bubble. It makes me feel genuinely guilty that people put up with shitty parts of my personality.





Though I've also recognized a long time ago my lack of commitment to time isn't an inherently bad thing. It just doesn't mesh well with most people because we are such a time oriented society. And I understand it, it bothers me too when others do what I do. I'm considerate enough to commit to my commitments. When I say I'll be there I'll be there. Late probably if I don't feel my presence is important but I usually give a heads up too. And I'll be there unless I feel like I'm dying. But then that seems to be another problem. Pain tends not to make me a very fun person to be around.




Seems like I'll never have someone happy with me in any long term manner. And I seem incapable of being truly happy with anyone. Feel happy and content enough maybe but it seems to come at heavy costs of repressing who I am and thay nags at me. All I've ever wanted in my entire life is to be a good person. And I am. But I'm not. And I think that's what's all the more grating to people. A good person with really good and rare personality traits. Only with some really terrible and equally rare personality traits.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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OfflineDEEZEDBRAH
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Registered: 11/29/17
Posts: 110
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: not long term material [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24814164 - 11/29/17 10:53 AM (6 years, 2 months ago)

IMHO i don't think monogamy is in our nature; male or female. I do believe there are few ascetic individuals who can live up to a higher standard for being. According to all religious text, the second you hold lust in your heart, you sinned; missed the mark. This again is not monogamy. Porn, strip clubs, sex toys, netflix and chill, fwbs, ons, fuck buddies, etc. are not monogamy. Then again, society is knocks polygamy where at the very least, people know what is up, and act accordingly. Society is more or less a serial monogamy. As in, TS experience; I like you one sec, you love me. I get bored and bang your sister, and then she gets bored and bangs my friend. And repeat only children get mixed in the pecking order of carnage.

What to do? Talk to lots of women. Flirt. Test the waters. See who you have chemistry with, and proceed. I've mostly spent time with short term flings. As I got older, I notice more women wanting to play house, and baby fever. I am simply not in that place in my life now. Maybe one day. I also prefer to date much younger. I like the prowl. I like journey and process of it all. The world can be pretty chaotic at times. When people are all in their delusional monogamy bubble (despite both their contradicting pasts) and wanting to bring children into the world, I just bert stare. I don't get it?

All paths lead to suffering. If you get the girl, you will lose her to the next guy or death. You will die. Life is marked by suffering. We can say it is nihilistic or cynical but, this is the reality of it all. We wont get out of this thing alive. The power is in free will to choose which path of suffering we take. Unlock the potentiality that we have by striving towards self actualizatio. Place our fears behind us to be the driving force behind our actions. You suffer in choosing but you suffer (arguably) even more in being indecisive since you cannot get that time back once it is lost/pissed away.

The question remains as to which path you choose to walk?


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Anonymous #1

Re: not long term material [Re: DEEZEDBRAH]
    #24815129 - 11/29/17 06:39 PM (6 years, 2 months ago)

Or you could just love someone


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OfflineDEEZEDBRAH
Stranger
Registered: 11/29/17
Posts: 110
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: not long term material [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24815247 - 11/29/17 07:53 PM (6 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Or you could just love someone




Real talk, I've never loved a woman more then I love myself. (srs)

There is always someone thinner, hotter, younger. We live in this society that promotes cuckoldry, walking on FUCKING EGG SHELLS, and being the sort of lost testosterone male that urinates from the seated position. Stepping up is not in the cards nor does society promote it. Play it safe. Marry her. If you are a "real man" give her the ring despite absurd sexual history (linked sources for the consequences of female promiscuity/truth on sex, high kill count, and divorce).

I watched the Tv show Reign once. I vaguely remember it. Basically, a beautiful woman was sent over to be a Princess but, to acquire protection from England. A spy attempted to rape her (fucked up). Despite the spy being caught and the princess being safe, they were going to banish her because of her "potential" tainted blood.

I've read several Ian Flemming 007 books. The one lead female in From Russia With Love was among the ONLY WOMEN 007 NEVER SLEPT WITH. She was embarrassed about her kill count. 3 lol

The culture in the west pedals this gender neutral nonsense. Men are raising some other man's baby. It is ridiculous. The culture in the middle west is promoting stoning for promiscuity. IMHO both are absurd.

Man use to marry and allocate resources for access to sex. With bumble, tinder, and 'sloot gonna sloot' promo in society, there is little need for it. Furthermore, when married, a lot of women are "not in the mood." Cool story. I am single. I respect the fact that a woman is not in the mood but, some other girl is. Just saying. #next!

Love is absurd. Not an argument. The same "love" you speak of is being pedaled from one LTR to the next. I love you turns quickly into I hate you.

Despite the use of psychedelics, there is a lack of free thinking going on here. Marriage is not a necessity. Maslows hierarchy of needs for instance. One can acquire self actualization without said event.

To each their own. My purpose in life > following the beaten path in life. Maybe my perspective changes one day. It hasn't yet. Monogamy is a delusional. Its a construct to keep society orderly.

Drop the anonymous post. Lets talk.


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