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Katso Grower Registered: 06/07/17 Posts: 334 Last seen: 8 months, 7 days |
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I dont want to try to influence you one way or the other, but I want to lay it out how I see it.
She used to make you happy and over time that has decreased. You both have issues, but that everyone does. You both have appeared to have developed and tried to make things work - this is a good sign that you both can change for the better. Many of the circumstances that have made things difficult were out of your control - your health, your sick grandpa, work etc. Her reaction to the difficult situations was not ideal - but as I said, you have both shown the ability to change and develop. I dont think she's a lost cause. Things arent always meant to be rosey -they say love is patient, after all. This is the kind of pain that is making you reflect and grow so it's not all negative. At the same time, if it's really really sapping you and stopping you from progressing in life then maybe it's just not meant to be. I feel like I dont have a lot of friends I can really talk to at the moment either - if it's any consolation. -------------------- Long time lurker and learner!
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Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs Registered: 05/12/07 Posts: 69,360 Loc: The Inexpressible... Last seen: 8 seconds |
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Im sorry youre in such a dark place cookies, hurts me too. So u two arent together anymore?
Sounds like a toxic relationship to me. As i mentioned in another thread, open communication between both partners is absolutely critical to the sucess of a relationship. Hands down the most important aspect in my opinion. And being loving, supportive and comprimizing when needed are also super critical too. I would say u need to spend some time alone to heal and decompress then try find a better, more openly communicative woman with a more mature handle on her emotions.
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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We got back together.
You and Wilson are both right I think. We are both works in progress, and we have both progressed... But I think my patience is about spent. I feel like, in some measure, I've already given up on us. And our relationship improved since. There's a lesson in that, somewhere, but I can't figure out where. -------------------- Free time is the only time
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Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs Registered: 05/12/07 Posts: 69,360 Loc: The Inexpressible... Last seen: 8 seconds |
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I see.
Ya, sounds tough. I mean if your energy is spent, what else can u do? U either stick it out longer and see if the relationship can evolve to even better terms or just throw in the towel and call it quits. No right answer here, its really up to u to descide if the relationship is worth sticking out with. I like to stay optimistic and say keep going, it could get better, but really its up to u if its worth the effort to keep trying.
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Stranger in Paradise Registered: 12/18/14 Posts: 2,994 Loc: so many roads |
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Quote: Maybe because there's less pressure to be happily ever after, more opportunity to enjoy another as you should? -------------------- From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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Less pressure, less desire, less expectation, less drive, less passion.
I am happy when I am passionate. I am passionate when I am happy. The intensity involved can take a pretty hard turn and dive down and out into bad places, but it is the flavor of life I live for. Alot of the passion is dead I think, on both ends, which does remove significant amounts of pressure, and lowers the key of intensity that comes with it. And thus reduces the likelihood of fights. Yes I think that is it. I know I need some time and space to get my head straight. Just haven't really been capable of doing that. I'm afraid to make a mistake. -------------------- Free time is the only time
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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So... Last week was difficult. I'd been feeling emotionally sensitive. Someone got the idea to help me. Wanted me to talk about my problems. I didn't want to talk about my problems. My problems were pretty much just emotional. But I knew they weren't going to drop it so I got into some things that have been bothering me more recently. Their response was "you're not the only one with problems." literal exact statement. And it was the third time they'd told me this. I'd told them I don't appreciate it and it doesn't help.
My problems I confessed were actually largely problems of people I care about so the "you're selfish" interpretation of that makes no sense. Especially since I didn't approach them. So the actual meaning behind that statement has to be "get over it." I don't like being a burden. I don't like troubling anyone. I don't like hurting anyone. I don't like talking about my problems because of this. Because many people have told me many things similar. My partner has backlashed at me at least twice for my depression. For complaining. I feel that also contributed to the loss of alot of friends. So I've tried REALLY hard to stop complaining. So... In short, I was fucking triggered. I'd already had the "I should just die" thoughts in my head. That shit really did not help. My very first instinctual reaction was to punch myself in the head for being a dumbass. That's bad. Got some control of myself. Got up to walk off some of that pent up energy. Ended up punching a steel door instead. Dented the door. Bruised and bloodied my knuckles. Didn't even feel it at the time. Was aware enough to know I didn't want to break my hand. Went and locked myself in the bathroom so I could cry myself out without hurting myself too much. I did that and then spent a few hours talking to and ranting to myself. Always good to talk to myself. I don't get much opportunity to living at home. Too much pressure. Too much paranoia. But it's one of the best ways I have to reason with myself, to stop the self hating self pitying bullshit, and to make sense of things that don't seem to make any sense. Plus I tend to agree with myself and I don't have to guess about what I'm not saying. Felt alot better. Feel like that stuff had been building up for well over a year. Hadn't really been able to get it out because, among other things, I feel the need to be strong, to protect and care for the people around me, and to keep going no matter what. I don't know when to turn that off. I don't know how to let that go and grieve when I need to. I fear if I do I will be consumed by the crippling depression and anxiety that has plagued me for most of my life. And I can't afford to do that and lose all my progress. I feel like I'm almost to the final boss and losing a "life" now would make me have to start the whole game over again. Talking about these things seems to just make other people feel as helpless about me as I'd feel about myself. I don't truly feel helpless but shit always builds up on me and feels overwhelming. I convey those feelings, or hide them, and it doesn't satisfy anyone. It just makes them want to give up on me. Until they decide they don't want to give up on me. I wish people would leave me alone if they don't actually want to deal with me. I don't try to make anyone do anything for me. Most people don't do anything for me because of that. That's exactly why I broke up with my partner in June (and got back together later.) she said something, in a long string of somethings, that lead me to believe she was sick of dealing with me. So I made the decision for her. Of course she apologized and said she didn't mean it. But if no one means it why do they keep saying it? Loneliness is heartwrenching but at least I know what to expect when I'm alone. At least I don't have to worry about anyone else. Is that what is actually selfish? not wanting to worry about hurting people all the time? I dunno. I really don't get people. If they weren't obviously terrestrial I'd think they're aliens. I guess, since they are, I must be the alien. I don't feel like I got quite everything out. I will try harder to keep it to tears and senseless babbling next time though. My body is beat up enough as it is. -------------------- Free time is the only time
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Stranger Registered: 08/07/17 Posts: 83 Last seen: 4 years, 8 months |
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High cookiecrumbs, we haven't spoke much and i don't normally butt in to peoples buisness. you seem like a sweet personson. I don' t have much advice to give on relationships, it always seems the more emotionaly attached i get the fatser things end for me. All i can say is shoot the wolves and make a coat. No matter how bad things get, it can always go further down hill, and it will get better at some point. To quote a cliche, you have to get back on the saddle. Also, sometimes the horse throws a shoe and brakes a leg and has to be put down and you have to get another horse.keep the bees. Bees are awesome and it's not hard to care for them. Always remember you deserve to be happy and i hope it gets better for you
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Katso Grower Registered: 06/07/17 Posts: 334 Last seen: 8 months, 7 days |
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I've been the depressed friend who lays his problems out and Ive been the ear for a depressed partner.
When you're the one trying to help, it is extremely frustrating (hear me out). You want to help, but all of your suggestions and advice are shot down. This is frustration in it's purest form. At some point, your patience wears down and you say stupid things in a last ditch attempt to help. But thats where it's coming from. When someone you love is depressed, you just want to help. Personally, as the depressed person, I learned that I had to control my thoughts. Some thoughts weren't worth thinking and now I stay away from them altogether. Other thoughts come from being around certain people and situations - I minimise my time around those people and situations, but when I have to be around them, I just have to be firm in what I think and feel. I dont think it's good to just talk yourself out of a state 'because you don't disagree with yourself'. If what you believe is being challenged a lot, perhaps you need to really examine what those things are and why you believe them. Don't do it when you're already triggered. Try to think about it clearly and logically - pros and cons, implications and why you believe them. That's enough of me being preachy for one day -------------------- Long time lurker and learner!
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Katso Grower Registered: 06/07/17 Posts: 334 Last seen: 8 months, 7 days |
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....ok one more thing.
People who have never been severely depressed won't know what it's like and just can't understand how bad you really feel and how sensitive you can become to even the slightest things - which can also lead to extremely 'helpful' advice like "Youre not the only person with problems". Just try not to take it so hard when these are the kind of responses you get I suppose is my point. They just don't know how hard it is to be inside your head. -------------------- Long time lurker and learner!
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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Quote: I get what you're saying. And it's always been a difficult balance for me. I've struggled for so long with repression that I try to be more open now so I don't go full blown psycho... alot of people don't understand that I don't often want advice. I don't want generic "cheer up" shit. I just wanna talk. That's why I end up talking to myself. I don't give myself shit. I don't have expectations for myself except to do the best I can in the moment. Part of being the way I am, borderline, is it is very difficult for people to follow my train of thought. And it's really difficult for me to express that. Misunderstandings have come to bother me a lot. And I do still have a level of patience, especially when I know someone is trying to help. But I also really hate being pressed to do something I don't want to do. And me giving in only for that person who pushed me to get miffed because I didn't end up giving them exactly what they wanted? ![]() I feel like alot of my youth and innocence has left me in the last year and a half. You're absolutely right that they have a point. I've seen it through much of my life with my parents. Not being able to help is really fucking shitty for someone you care about. But I also know what I need to be in a better place. I know that it's not really going to come until I put in the time and effort (and money) to get there. I might temporarily feel better from time to time but for now it's pretty much everything I can do to manage a somewhat melancholy baseline. There's not really any advice that anyone can give me, nor most words of comfort, that I haven't heard before... or are relevant to what I need. It reminds me alot of when people kept telling me I needed a girlfriend. No shit sherlock, I know I'm lonely. Not just going to start dating some random lady and think that's going to be the solution to all my problems. I have all this shit sorted out in my head but I can't just make it appear overnight. Especially when some of it involves other people. I need to be patient. And people telling me what I do or do not need doesn't help but I usually appreciate it. I explain why it's not a feasible solution at the moment. They act like I'm resisting happiness and maybe I am. It's all just putting more and more pressure on me, when I'm already doing all I can. I'm trying really hard to make everything work out the way it needs to... I know some of my frustration is the fact that pretty much everyone has their own idea of what I need to be happy. What I need to do with my own life. I don't tell people how bad my health is because I get told to go to the doctor. And then I explain to them how many doctors I've been to over how many years and how many tests and failed treatments I've had and they still say "well did you try another doctor?" What I really want is to just be told that it's going to be okay. That everything will work out if I keep pushing. I don't think anyone has told me that in years. I wanna be told that I'm doing okay. Good even. Instead I feel like people constantly criticize me. Tell me what I'm not doing. Tell me what I should be doing. The praise I get at work is extremely belated. But at least I have a new manager who will actually give it. She's helped ease some of my stress at work. Home has been driving me crazy lately. And I can't really explain that to anyone. What it's like to live with the people I do. How they don't understand how my health is. How I get criticized for random simple shit. And what it's like to live in the house you grew up in in overwhelming constant fear and anxiety. I know that's feeding everything. And I get told "so move out" Again, no shit sherlock. My partner at least understands most of this stuff now. She has her moments though, her moods, that tend to clash with mine. And that's when alot of the stupid shit gets said. My problem, more than pretty much anything else in the very most general sense, is that I'm fucking tired of everything. I was 2 years ago. When I got back on meds. Before my family went crazy and started dying. Or near dying. Now my mom kinda all but gave up on life, my dad is pretty much devoting his to keep her alive, my little bro and his gf are miserable drug addicts (who often take my shit) the house is a cluttered mess, I'd clean it but the very same day it's a disaster zone again, I'm in pain pretty much constantly and cleaning up after 5 people and 4 pets that don't give a shit is too hard and not worth it. I constantly feel pressure whether or not I have people telling me they want this or that from me. I'm almost constantly on edge. I can't fully recover from the revival of my PTSD because I don't have a home. I don't have a place of stability or security. I have the woods. It's the only place I feel okay, I feel comfortable, and relatively safe. And I can't live there. I get away as often as I can but I know I have to go back and my mood immediately sinks every time I do. Nothing can be done for that. Not right now. I don't make enough to renovate my house and live in a hotel. Shit I don't make enough to live in a hotel period. I tried to move out a few times over the last few years but my plans always fell through. Thought about living in my tent but my health isn't good enough for that. I developed that kidney infection I mentioned earlier because I couldn't get dry quick enough on my last camping trip. Life is hard for everyone.. I know that. I haven't devoted so much time trying to help people because I thought otherwise. I've just been going through a hard time. And unfortunately, because shit kept coming, it's been a relatively long time. People losing patience with me when I don't have a whole lot of patience myself is... Well it's not surprising it's fucking triggering. I don't want to be on meds anymore either. I don't want to smoke anymore either. Quitting either is apparently impossible right now. Not without something else breaking. I do feel like an alien. I want to go home. Want to have a home to go to. Have always wanted and never really had that. Thought I'd found it once, with my ex fiance, turned out to be a nightmare. Pretty sure I largely have that situation to thank for the PTSD. I'm done. That's it. Thanks for your responses and thank you for reading. It really does help to talk this stuff out. And it sounds a little less crazy than talking to myself. -------------------- Free time is the only time
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Stranger Registered: 08/07/17 Posts: 83 Last seen: 4 years, 8 months |
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Some times the hope that things will get better is all we have. Hank williams cenior once said in a song "no matter how i sruggle and strive, I'll never get out of this world alive". Clint black said " one mans half way up, is another mans half way down". It sucks that you catch so much crap. Have faith. It will get better eventually. Its cheesy but, you have to endeavor to persevere. I'll say a prayer for you
don't let bad juju win
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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Quote:
-------------------- Free time is the only time
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Rags to Bitches Registered: 07/06/09 Posts: 20,880 Last seen: 2 years, 6 months |
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Quote: I feel it man. I want my ma to find love that isn't my abusive father. Every time she has dated she's so happy. And the dudes just are terrible people. I could give a shit less who ma dates as long as they shake my hand. Her history of dating is a murderer, a pedophile. etc. I set her up a tinder profile. Yep Yep nope nope. I feel really bad for my ma. How terrible she just wants to be loved after having 4 kids and working her ass off. She does deserve to be a little happy. -------------------- "I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." "In the days of kings and queens I was a jester." "And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies "Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"
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Stranger Registered: 08/07/17 Posts: 83 Last seen: 4 years, 8 months |
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I love that Robert Radford movie cookie!!! Jeremiah Johnson, if I'm not mistaken. Good choice, he didn't give up!!!! It's not always what you do or what you say that defines you, i believe it's what you survive. I caught him pilgrim, you shin em!!! Ha ha!!
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Katso Grower Registered: 06/07/17 Posts: 334 Last seen: 8 months, 7 days |
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It does feel good to just talk it out doesnt it?
Sorry for pushing my advice on you and trying to tell you what you should do. I hate getting advice (which is pretty rich from a guy constantly giving it out). It will get better. Things will come good! -------------------- Long time lurker and learner!
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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No reason to apologize. I know my perspective can be a little one sided sometimes so I appreciate getting other POVs.
Thank you both for your reassurance. My therapist told me he felt like I lacked support growing up. I've been thinking about that. Thinking that may be why I hunger so much for "I support you, I am here for you, I am proud of you" and even if I hear it it often doesn't feel genuine or complete. Much less unconditional. My partner is the only one that has given me unconditional support. She lacks a certain depth to it though. Has argued with me far too many times about random little shit for me to really feel satisfied. It may be the distance but I feel there is a serious disconnection of empathy. Most people who interact with me in person often don't understand what I go through because I'm almost always composed. It makes my desire and ability to talk about that stuff in my head shut down even more. People tend not to take it seriously because I don't scream or cry or mope around all the time. I become distant and a little grumpy when shit gets really heavy but that normally is associated with tiredness as I do have frequent insomnia as well. People who know and interact with me in person cannot imagine the things that I have gone through and what I live with. Because my composure establishes an expectation. It is one thing that has made working with my doctors on my mental and physical health very difficult. Many seem to think I'm just being dramatic or even drug seeking. It's become a phobia of mine to not be taken seriously when I'm talking about serious shit. I haven't seen a doctor in a while in large part because of that. Because the anxiety about the visits and tests, the disappointment in never learning anything new, the discomfort of tests and random treatments, an utter lack of support from my friends and family, and the concern of wtf is wrong with me and NEVER having an answer, to say nothing of the thousands of wasted dollars, has made me overwhelmingly resistant to the idea of not being listened to and not understood. I'd always had problems with those things, I think most people do, struggling with my health and useless doctors and downplaying family and confused friends (that often think I'm using my health problems as an excuse to ignore them) has made those problems have turned into impatience and intolerance to the very idea of them. I try to moderate my thoughts and try to keep my mind open but even the idea that my conversation partner isn't listening or straight up doesn't believe me triggers an instinct to just shut down. I shut down pretty hard a few times in my life. It just makes everything more difficult and often causes me to become careless. I try not to do that. But it's really hard when I feel so many people have given up on me and I want to give up on them. All of them. All people. I don't actually want that. But it's hard for me to not think that might be for the best. -------------------- Free time is the only time
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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Welp I've apparently done the infamous scorpio thing again. I held a ton of shit in and now I'm exploding.
Came home to an impromptu intervention last night where my dad was trying to handle my mom's drinking all on his own. Fuck I feel bad for him. He blames himself for everything bad that ever happened to us. Including everything I did to myself. And he doesn't wanna hear otherwise. Just like my mom doesn't wanna hear that we don't blame her for literally everything that ever went wrong. So naturally the intervention was perceived as a punishment. I was asked to put away some clean dishes I had washed right before I left for 2 weeks. Was 2 weeks ago and no one put them up because they are "mine". Ignoring the senselessness of our cleanliness for the moment having to do that when I was so tired and achey all I wanted to do was lay down after writing procedures for work all day... I was forced to listen to it. Started shaking uncontrollably and before I knew it I was yelling at them. I was able to calm down a little bit and help my dad try to talk some sense into my mom. I think I said most of the good stuff I should have. But I think all my mom will remember is how I yelled at her. And all I'll probably remember is how incredibly uncomfortable that shit makes me. I explained alot of the symptoms I'd noticed, explained how alcohol hurts her, told her I love her and I just want her to be happy. I honestly just want everyone to be happy. Everyone has been very unhappy for a while now. And I dunno what to do about it. People have told me you know "that's not your problem, let them deal with it." living with them makes it my problem. I hadn't been to see my older brother in nearly a year because he was killing himself at work and was constantly stressed out and angry or depressed. That hurts me too. I can't not be hurt by people I care about hurting. Of all the fights me and my partner have had the only ones that really get to me and really cut me deep are the ones where I hurt her. I care more about other people than I have myself. Putting myself first is a very new thing for me. The shit with my family and their health has made me unable to do that. Because I NEED to be there for them. I need to help. Or the guilt will consume me. Instead utter frustration is consuming me because my 'help' hasn't been helping. That's ironic. Only I've sacrificed much of my health in order to help. I've been paying for that. I don't regret trying. I regret that I can't do more. My mom dumped out what was left of her booze. We will see how it goes. Hopefully she can start to heal and not go back to complete repression. I slept last night but I had alot of nightmares. Dreamed about my buddy, really good guy, that was shot and killed by his stepfather trying to break up a fight between him and his mom. Also dreamed about a little girl being tortured. Well played subconscious. -------------------- Free time is the only time
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You ask too many questions Registered: 10/09/10 Posts: 44,797 Loc: Ottawa Last seen: 12 hours, 26 minutes |
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Hey Cookie. How old are you? Where do you live? I assume you're a girl (I pretty much know, but we never truly know)?
Summarize it all for me, this thread is a long ass read. Summarize it like: Mother: (insert issues)-(cause)-(potential solution)-(What you can do about it) Girlfriend: (insert issues)-(cause)-(potential solution)-(What you can do about it) You: Emotions: Living arrangements: etc Short and sweet. Sometimes simplifying things actually opens your eyes on the obvious you've missed in the clusterfuck
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Fucked off to the pub Registered: 12/10/11 Posts: 14,146 |
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That will be quite a challenge little kitty. Ah... I get really fucking rambly. But I will try. Lemme think about that for a bit.
Yes I am female. A cis female. -------------------- Free time is the only time
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Free time is the only time

