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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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I apologize if those posts are a little dysfunctional.
I splinted my shins Monday and I'm fighting a kidney infection on top of... Everything else I've been whining about. I've been in a good nice pleasant bit of pain. And today I am on good nice pleasant bit of drugs.
I didn't reply last night cuz I didn't have drugs, my mom was flipping out, and I would have bit. I wanted to bite.
But I don't want to bite.
I'm a teddy bear. That happens to also be a grizzly bear at times.
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Free time is the only time
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: Honestly if she does follow through with her threats to cut my god mom off then I'll have to... Bust her shitty little bubble... So to speak. I won't blame her for my dad's depression, severe anxiety, high blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes even though the 'logic' is the same. My dad drank two liters of Coca-Cola a day for years trying to work 2 jobs at times and do things with us kids and trying to take care of the house. I know in large part he was reckless with his health because of how my mom treated him. My mom thinks my grandpa smoked so much because of how my godmother treated him. .
i find i'm unable to deal with people [completely] lacking in personal responsibility AND/OR who don't understand the depths of personal responsibility.
it sounds to me like your mom wants to live everyone-elses' lives and not her own, because she is fully aware she's done nothing with her life but meddle in others' affairs, never LIVING for herself
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: not long term material [Re: demiu5]
#24423861 - 06/21/17 01:15 PM (6 years, 7 months ago) |
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My mother has made huge strides in making her life less pathetic. In large part I was more angry with her than anything because she fails to understand the concept of karma. She does not want to see how her actions lead to her consequences.
Some part of her understands this. It is not a conscious realization though. She has done much more in the past 2 years than she has in 10. She's been to concerts and soap making classes and made candles and stuff. She let her depression take over her life and her marriage. Some part of her knows this. She actually does things after work now. She sleeps in the same bed with my father.
In part I saw this as an attempt at control, because she does not trust my father anymore. She always scoffed at his friends. He made friends shortly before his affair. She hates them. She blames them for my father losing his inhibitions.
It's like blaming marijuana for a person becoming a heroin addict.
I admit there is a small tiny nugget of truth in that but she seems unable to see the whole picture. There is a hard focus on details. I've inherited this too but I've always seen how toxic that is so I've always tried to see the bigger picture.
I've been angry at my mother because she is once again only grasping pieces of the puzzle.
Religion being a big piece. I am happy she has found spiritual purpose in life. But it is all consuming. There is this idea that all this is for "God's glory." and only through Christ is there happiness.
My mother has always tried to manipulate me into doing what she thinks is right. Well in Christianity, after being "saved by Jesus" the only purpose in life is to bring more people to God. That in itself is fine. The method and definitions of it are fucked. I was raised Christian. I can't stand it anymore. It always makes me feel like I've done wrong.
I thought my parents were willfully ignorant of my sexuality. They surprised me last year by trying to say I did not want to attend church due to my lesbianism. They don't like it, but they say they love me regardless and God loves me regardless and that's fine enough. They tend not to agree with much of my personal identity, hopes, and dreams, so my sexuality is a nearly irrelevant piece of that. I know full well though that none of my partners will ever be an angel in flesh to my mother. No matter how good they are. They will always be tainted.
I love my mom. And I want her to be happy. I am doubtful it will ever happen though. Dementia runs in my family and I fear she has showed signs of early onset since she went into menopause a few years ago. It's rather hard to tell though since she's on so much medication and now drinking a ton too. She's rotting her brain and I am afraid as far as she has come is as far as she will ever go.
I'll be happy when I can move out and move on. Happier anyway. When I can finally focus on me again. I made great strides a few years ago. Have sadly done some heavy backtracking since. My family is partly responsible, my partner is partly responsible, my job is partly responsible, life is partly responsible, and I am wholly responsible.
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Free time is the only time
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise



Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,994
Loc: so many roads
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Alcoholism and abuse can replicate outward signs in of itself, without being actual Dementia. Just as you say- It rots the brain. Segue from a younger post: one example of wanting to be nothing like my mother- I used to tote a bottle of dark rum almost everywhere I went.. because of her habit, you can be sure that I am completely turned off from even moderate/social drinking.. I don't touch it whatsoever. I can tell if she has had even one glass. Just by her voice.. her personality completely changes, its like she put on a mask of someone else as soon as she pours that bottle.. I hate alcohol.
My mother, being similar in her wreckless drinking, is true to her faith. Although not as extreme of a christian, from how it sounds. If I may, I'm telling you- It's an impossible situation that youre being sucked into. You unfortunately can't save her. As unhappy as she is, by not seeking help it would seem that there's at least one aspect that she likes enough to hold on to. Maybe its habitual, engrained security blanket.
Arms length away, its the only way, I'm telling ya..
Be careful that you haven't swung irrational, yourself. The situation with your lady sounds extreme, seems very black and white. Perhaps I speak for myself, but anytime I want to cut someone off, or flee to another country, I have to ask : is it me or my mom making the executive decision?
Have you had the conversation about tolerance level within your relationship? If I recall, you caught her in lie not long ago. Has this been resolved/worked through?
Keep in mind, its not growth/change if its easy/comes natural. After identifying my own shortcomings, usually a skewed outlook, extreme thinking, anger.. I say to myself, 'Opposite Action!' It's so true, if its not automatic, fake it until ya make it! And commit to it.
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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It has been really hard the last few days.
I've felt like I'm being pushed over the edge.
Months ago my mother tried to claim my grandpa didn't do anything for anyone and only for himself. He passed away yesterday. She insists he loved us and wanted to do more with us but couldn't because of the evil controlling witch that is my godmother.
Yesterday I spent most of the day with her. She thinks God is the only one that has ever done good in her life. She told me my dad abused her, that he always looked at other women. When I remember he never raised his voice to her. Yet she was always shouting at him. She really thinks my dad mistreated her because she wanted his affection but he never showed it. Knowing her she never communicated that and my father, based on how she treated him, probably assumed she didn't want that shit.
Abuse was the exact word she used. My ex was a whole lot like her. The constant misinterpretation of something negative and offensive. That is abuse. Even though she did bottle it up she constantly made her anger and resentment of all the layers of perceived injustice well known.
Not even sure what I want to cry about right now. That my mom is seriously mentally fucked. That my dad has been made to believe he actually is the bad guy. Or that my grandpa is dead.
I am aware what I did with my gf was impulsive. But I still don't think it was necessarily wrong. While she has supported me she has also been a constant source of pressure. I do her lots of favors and she wouldn't do any for me. (this has gotten somewhat better.) She wants me to not only help her find a new job but to actually find a job for her that she can approve and apply. I wanted her to stay on disability because I know she can't hardly do shit. Not shit that's available. The state cut the benefits plan. She would have just had to apply for another. She wants a job and I totally understand that but I can't imagine her being able to get any full time job she could tolerate. She too is another woman that is not wholly aware of reality.
It is largely the kinds of shit my ex put me through that makes it so difficult for me to be with my partner now. We both have a temper but where I'd rather bite my tongue till it bleeds she will go ahead and yell at me.
Abuse, actual abuse, is something that sticks with you. It makes you feel like you are going to be abused for some perceived wrong all the time. Even if your abuser is long gone. You still hear them screaming and criticizing and mocking when they are not there. I had to rehabilitate myself after I finally got away from my ex. It took years and alot of work. My biggest problem is between fights with my current gf and my mom flying off the handles... I feel that again. I feel terribly insecure. Not that I'm doing everything wrong (well not often that) but that everything I am doing will be perceived as wrong. I have always tried my best to be a good person, except when I snapped, even then I tried but for a very convoluted definition of "good"... And despite how hard I tried and everything I sacrificed every other word out my mouth would be taken some mean nasty way that I would never have done. That no matter how hard I tried to do a favor, even when I was ill, it wouldn't be right and I'd be a lazy selfish asshole.
I think this too fuels the idea that no one understands me. I feel like my partner is finally learning how to grasp her temper. But I fear it is too late for that. I dunno if I can get over all the times she's snapped at me, and lied to me, not because of what she has done, but because that abused mindset comes back and completely fucks me. I can't trust her. Not because I won't forgive her but because I've been too stupid too many times to completely trust someone that has broken it before.
Ironically when I withdrew alot of my openness and connection to her our relationship improved alot. I dunno what that's about. But that alone makes me think that maybe we aren't meant to be together.
I was still drinking after I got diagnosed with hepatitis (non viral) ... I can't get drunk anymore either. And my liver metabolizes alcohol so poorly that I get drunk from 3 beers or 2 shots of decent liquor. Basically can't drink at all anymore. And it's not because it's killing my liver. It's because the thought of losing my mind in that shiit, like my mom does, makes me fucking sick.
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Free time is the only time
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,360
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 2 hours, 37 minutes
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Shutting out the negative talk is super hard. Ive struggled with that negative internal speech too: "youre boring, youre not manly enough, u dont show her enough love", etc etc.
I broke those thoughts from being with my woman for 6 years and finally getting to a point of feeling comfortable. No longer do i doubt myself cause the relationship feels stable, strong and i can depend on her to "turn around" when ive messed up. Seeing that strong bond puts those negative thoughts behind.
Also its important to learn how to not be *too* dependent on your partner. U gotta find your own peace, your own piece of happiness as well which your partner adds to it.
I see it as a life long learning experience. Ive had the cosmic joke thought, like Im "Gods fuck up", but now i see it as a life long challange. Everyone has their own issues they need to work out, some more complex than others. U gotta rise to the challenge and figure out how to deal with your thoughts and feelings in a productive way instead of a destructive way. Thats the real challenge there.
I wouldnt give up Cookies. If youve been in love, then u have love to share. U just need to learn to make it work in the long term, which many people have a hard time with. Its a life long challenge.
-------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Think of the solution, not the problem. Problem is the solution feels so far away.
I know that my parents relationship makes me fear my own. My parents have been together for over 30 years. Unhappy with eachother. Each never getting what they wanted, each feeling they gave more than the other, gave everything, for little in return.
I do not want to feel like that.
She knows the balance is on her end on that one. I have withdrawn. It is up to her to give. And she has given me much during the last few weeks. But I'm not sure... I feel her heart, some part of it, has been locked away for so long. I will never see it. And I do not want to give my own if I will not get hers. I feel like it is stupid, very stupid, to try so hard to hang on to something destined to fail. We both have physical and mental issues. I don't think it's gonna work because we... How do I explain this... She locks things away. Away from herself as much as anyone else. Being someone who has actually been abused, enough to still be injured 20 some years later, I can understand why she does these things. And me... I'm scared of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of being yelled at and ridiculed or just not getting a satisfactory reaction. I feel like that might be some part of my mom in me but I have communicated these issues... And she has made an effort to improve them. I've made bounds and strides (is that even the saying?) in being less upset when I don't get what I want/expect/desire.
She is who she is and I am who I am. We can work together. But nothing will change who we are. We often act the way we do to deal with our demons.
I can't see her pushing hard enough to meet me at my level. I will not come down to hers. We cannot meet we cannot work. Is that not how it should be?
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Free time is the only time
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Wiiiiilson
Katso Grower


Registered: 06/07/17
Posts: 334
Last seen: 8 months, 7 days
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Side step for a moment - I skipped some of the middle posts - But how did the initial girl work out? Still chatting? Trying the long distance thing? Do you still feel the same way about her?
-------------------- Long time lurker and learner!
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: not long term material [Re: Wiiiiilson]
#24463375 - 07/06/17 08:50 PM (6 years, 6 months ago) |
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Same girl in my recent posts. She sold her home to resolve all her debt and is renting a house. Still in another state though. She wanted to move with me but I rejected it because I'm not capable of actually having her, I don't want to feel rushed to get her in a home, and she has no savings. She has bad impulse problems. So now her problem is they cut off her disability because they're broke bastards and she can't find work. I told her I want her to get work, get some savings, get something recent to put on a resume. Before she comes down here. She's having a hard time with that, unsurprisingly. She's been on disability for a reason... Several reasons. I said in a recent post she'd been abused and neglected. She has severe scoliosis. Nothing can be done for it, surgery would kill her. She can't do loud or high pitched noises. She doesn't have half the vision in her left eye and bad vision in both eyes because of optical nerve damage from being beaten with a bat.
I really wish she would let me help her reapply for disability benefits. She's not guaranteed to get it but I don't see what it'd hurt to try. But she knows she can make more money working. She wants an at home computer job since she knows she can do that much. But most of those "jobs" are call center shit and her mental health will keep her from that. Others require a shit load of credentials she doesn't have. Others require tenure in an office.
I do still love her. I'm not so sure she's ... The one for me. She's impressively stubborn and independent but poorly motivated. I can't support her. Not completely. And I very much fear I may end up having to. Even if she does get work she's not likely to keep it. She had a restaurant job breifly last year and had to quit because it hurt to be up on her feet all day. She needs a very specific kind of work and does not have very particular qualifications.
If anything I feel I'm disillusioned. Like I don't see a legitimately hopeful future for us anymore. I feel like the only reason I didn't want to end it is because I need the comfort so badly right now. And because I felt guilty. But I feel guilty now too because I know my motivation is selfish.
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Free time is the only time
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Yep. My parents house is fucking my head all the hell up.
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Free time is the only time
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Patlal
You ask too many questions


Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa
Last seen: 11 hours, 52 minutes
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I'll always be there for you Cookie. Don't worry
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: not long term material [Re: Patlal]
#24472300 - 07/10/17 11:01 AM (6 years, 6 months ago) |
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thank you Pat. You're a good kitty.
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Free time is the only time
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,360
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 2 hours, 37 minutes
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: Yep. My parents house is fucking my head all the hell up.
Is it possible to move out?
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Wiiiiilson
Katso Grower


Registered: 06/07/17
Posts: 334
Last seen: 8 months, 7 days
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Yeah thatd be my recommendation. Move away from the pressure and the negativity, but not so far away that you can't visit easily.
-------------------- Long time lurker and learner!
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: not long term material [Re: Wiiiiilson] 1
#24477887 - 07/12/17 12:28 PM (6 years, 6 months ago) |
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Nope can't move I'm stuck here forever and completely fucked.

On the 2nd page I mentioned I bought an acre of land and a small beat up old house. It is not in living condition right now but I recently put a little pop up camper on the property. I can't live live in that but it will definitely help seriously reduce the amount of time I have to spend in my rents house.
Home, my new home, has had good vibes. Those vibes have always had like a curtain over it. Because I knew, well before I even bought it, it would be beyond stressful and headache inducing to get it set up. My brother has more or less dropped out completely. I'm not entirely sure what I'll do but I'm gonna put my super woman pants on and start cracking at it myself.
Dunno if I'm gonna keep the honey bees living in the side of the home yet but either way they've given the place good vibes too. And before anything else I'm gonna find a good home for the colony. Kinda need to. Hoping I can get a bee keeper there to get them out this month. Either way I'm happy that such vital animals to the ecosystem decided to make my home their home while I wasn't using it. And I'm happy I'll be able to help them find a good home as I need mine.
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Free time is the only time
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Wiiiiilson
Katso Grower


Registered: 06/07/17
Posts: 334
Last seen: 8 months, 7 days
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Man that sounds magical!
-------------------- Long time lurker and learner!
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,360
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 2 hours, 37 minutes
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U bought your own property? Right on Cookie! Thats awesome.
Sounds like u are making big strides in your life. In a matter of years, u might even be able to live on your land. In the meantime, enjoy the good vibes of your chill home.
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Enjoywho
Rags to Bitches



Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 20,880
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: Making this shit 10x harder on me though.
Which, in large part, is why I pretty much immediately called it off with my partner when she got frustrated with me and told me how hard it is to be positive when I'm "always like this."
The whole reason I have been with her is because I thought she could deal with me. I've leaned on her alot. I feel bad for that. But right now I really don't fucking need anything else to feel bad about. The last 2 years have been hard as shit. And I know it's not fair and not right to constantly be learning on someone. But if I can't then all there will be is that bite. And that will end us in an even worse way.
We talked. We made up. Kinda. But I still feel like it was the right thing to do. It was just excruciating to do it. I still hurt for having done it. On top of everything else I don't need myself being suicidal. Unlike my mother I won't wail about it and threaten it. I'll just do it.
I'm probably the worst bottler. And I've tried really hard to work on that. Which I think is why I lost all my friends last year. Told them too much. Too often. All being open seems to do is drag others down with me. And that idea has always been intolerable for me. I'd always rather be the one to suffer over someone I care about.
Been working on that too. But everyone getting fed up with me all around the same time kinda... Well it really fed that bad wolf.
I do not think my partner will be able to deal with me in the long term. And I won't be able to deal with her if I'm constantly upsetting her with my own stupid problems.
I don't really have anyone else right now though. I don't think I could take a break up right now. Unless she did it. Which would still hurt like all fucking hell. But it would at least absolve me of some guilt. And I would know, 100%, that it is the right thing.
Well their is your problem. Trust me I'm a fucked up person myself. I go into every new relationship giving them the honest truth and they break up with me in a month give or take.
It's nice to have someone to lean on but you have to be a decent human being yourself. You can't expect them to hold you up if your an asshole.
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mndfreeze 
Shroomery Secret Service




Registered: 04/22/02
Posts: 20,529
Loc: PuppetMasterFlash
Last seen: 1 day, 1 hour
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Cookie it sounds like you need to keep working on yourself. It sounds to me like you have some heavy codependence issues which are causing problems. It's good to have someone to lean on when you need, thats part of what a partner does and all, but not if its too heavy for the person, and to often. People can only handle someone else bringing them down so long before it leaves the realm of helping and enters the darker realm of codependence and misery.
I know you know all of this already, but, still, it doesnt hurt to hear it again.
You are loved, You are important. You are special. You are appreciated.
If you need people to lean on, you can always post here or send me a PM or I'm sure any number of people here. Maybe it will help lighten the load a bit on your girl, maybe it will help you get some perspective you're not quite seeing on your own, or maybe it won't do anything but make you feel a little tiny bit better. Who knows.
I think you said before you were in therapy or have been? If you are not, I would def suggest it. A lot of people write it off without giving it a try, or trying it again after some failed (in their eyes) attempt years prior.
Work on making yourself happy! A happy you is an attractive you!
-------------------- Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus! quote]Urb said: I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: not long term material [Re: mndfreeze] 1
#24490218 - 07/17/17 08:04 PM (6 years, 6 months ago) |
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Well the thread is about me so I make it about me. I don't much like talking about other people's problems and shortcomings. I know the whole idea of "no one can deal with me" is a self-depreciating all encompassing sense of guilt that comes out of a fear, and experience, of abandonment.
But honestly I've been through alot of shit in the last 2 years. My partner is almost constantly distracted. She, much like myself, keeps quiet until she blows up. We've had so many fights over this. I try to get her to talk to me, to share with me, but I think like she thinks that nothing she has is worth talking about. So that builds and then she takes on my stuff too and then she ends up blowing up.
I almost feel like it's not worth explaining. Or trying to explain. I don't often feel like that anymore so it's strange to encounter that in this.
I love the woman but I do not think she is open enough and I have not been stable enough for us to really meet eachother at the same level. I feel like it has been an experience to show that we are incompatible. Not as we are. She's gotten better about not blowing up and, up until grandpa got sick, I had been doing better with coping more quietly. Healing after everything. I got set off. And her snapping at me set me off all the more. If we cannot manage to meet eachother in the middle and give eachother both the support and space we need in times of trouble then we shouldn't be life partners. I don't want that. I couldn't do this my whole life. I'd rather be alone. As painful as that is.
She had been very supportive since I broke up with her and we got back together. But my worry is that is only the case because she almost lost me.
My dad was in the hospital last year. I was with him most of the time, while also working, taking care of him. We fought then because I couldn't get my head straight. Literally that's what we fought about, I said I wanted to talk to her about something and couldn't figure out how to put it into words when we had the chance to talk so she got mad. Twice I've had panic attacks and, due to my inability to communicate it at the time beyond 'I'm having a panic attack', we've gotten into spats. I've had some of the worst health episodes in the last 2 years in a long time. She says she understands, and she does to some degree, but I think her own insecurities come in and make her think I'm just making excuses to not spend time with her and to do things with her and do as I had planned to.
She stopped making me feel young and lighthearted a while ago. For the most part. Too many fights. In anything else, most any other relationship I've had, I'd swallow all the guilt. All the fault. I've learned that I simply can't do that. Perhaps I have made a similar mistake with this thread.
If I had to measure up all the comfort she has brought me vs all the pain our relationship has given me I can't say which would be the bigger of the two. I don't feel that's how it should be.
I don't have many friends right now. None I regularly talk to. So I appreciate the offer on that.
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Free time is the only time
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