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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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not long term material 2
#23494357 - 07/31/16 01:35 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Relationships in general: I have had a lot of close friends in my life. And by a lot I mean I've had as many close friends as not. Altogether tho I have not had a ton of friends. But I have had enough to notice a depressing trend. At first everything sails out to perfect seas. The other person really likes my personality. More than a few have claimed to have fallen in love with me. How many of those were true or became anything more is irrelevant. Every time, without fail, they eventually come to be annoyed, frustrated, or bored with me. That love for my personality, over a period of a few months to a few years, tends to evaporate and little more than tolerance remains. If I continue to stay even that leaves.
Often I can "rekindle" relationships. I say we should work on things, I say I will work on my things, and I/we do and things are better for a time. But it seems no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I replenish the kettle, the relationship just slips away. Or comes to a violent head, depending on the personality involved. In the last couple years I've chosen to withdraw first, at the first sign of things spiralling down, but I regret that too... Though I know I'm likely saving the both of us alot of pain and frustration.
I don't feel like anyone will care for me in the long term, aside from family and more often than not I feel that is little more than out of obligation. I would be fine living alone, with no friends, doing whatever I wanted to do, if I did not live in a society. If I was not required to interact and, unless always guarded, inevitably bond.
About 2 years ago I met a girl online. We gamed together and chatted often. She was not as forthcoming as most of the other girls I've talked to. Our understanding of eachother took time, and our connection took yet more time. I suddenly found myself dreaming for her, longing for her, wishing nothing so much as to be with her and to stay with her every waking moment of my life. I didn't say anything to her but eventually she told me she felt the same for me. So we got together. I don't think I've ever known someone to make me so happy. Which is pretty incredible since I've struggled with major depression almost my entire life. I hope for the future, I want a future with her more than anything else I want in life. She lives far away. I don't know if thats a blessing or a curse but I can only assume that it adds a number of things that can go wrong.
I want to be with her. I want to spend my life with her. But there is a nagging in my head. Telling me that eventually she will tire of me and, if not completely, then emotionally withdraw from me. It would crush me.
I've been in a similar situation, where one woman is pretty much my whole life. I know thats bad. Thats really bad. But it seems that all my remaining friendships of the last few years all faded at once, this year. I know you guys are going to say "just make more friends" but its not that easy. I've never had any easy time making friends. Maybe that's why we get so close after the initial hurtle... But I'm hurt. I kinda just want to crawl into a deep dark hole and be alone, since most everyone has left me that way. No, it is not all their fault. But friends are there during the rough patches. None of my friends seemed to have wanted to stick that one out with me. I have her. She was there when none else were. But I feel like I'm only fooling myself into thinking we will actually be anything a few years from now. I just want someone to stay.
I do have 2 long term friends. But I suspect that it is only because I keep them at arms length most of the time and only rarely see them. Hence the distance in the relationship could be a blessing. But on an emotional level we are very close and it is that part that tends to "scare" most people off. My intensity is taxing I suppose and I do try to tone it down with most people. But eventually I simply need to let that part of me through with someone I'm relatively close to. I cannot repress that part of myself anymore than I can repress my strangely formal/informal syntax of speech and the abhorrent grammar that comes along with it when writing long impulse driven messages.
Point is, I have what they call a Borderline personality. I'm nearing my 30s and I still can't figure out how the fuck to have a functional and lasting relationship on ANY level and now I'm in love with a woman who claims to love my sorry ass too. I don't know why I wrote this. I suppose I'm tired of being heartbroken about what hasn't happened yet while still trying to reconcile with what has. I feel so incredibly fucked up sometimes. I feel like I am destined to fail and my life is just a cosmic joke. I know that's a bad way to think about things but its an old habit and recent events have triggered alot of those nasty old things.
How do I break the chain? I know you guys don't know enough to advice me on where I fail at relationships but how do I at least make my head shut the fuck up and let me enjoy what I can of my life?
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Free time is the only time
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Sleepwalker
Overshoes

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 5,503
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I have a hard time ending relationships myself. That responsibility has in the past been left up to the other party due to my fear and apathy, even when in my heart I know the relationship is dying and should be put out of it's misery.
Regrets can arise no matter which path you take, but the regrets that really stick to my mind are the "what-if"s. My mistakes and messes made are at least set in stone for me to examine and learn from, whereas missed opportunities linger in the mind like a fog.
As I get older, I find it all the more true that no human is really one of a kind. Thoughts and personality that I thought were unique to myself I find lurking or shining from others.
You are not alone in wanting a long and faithful partnership. Yes, these attempts often fail, lacking practice or finesse we make all manner of fuckups and hurt the ones we love, or allow that love to fade into grey routine.
Both parties have to be willing to work on keeping the foundation of the relationship strong, and the garden blooming. Your anxiety about being abandoned is actually helping to manifest your loneliness into reality...
The power flows both ways. You must be strong for the other so they in turn can support you.
I'm rambling. I hope you can get something out of it.
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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I'd say keep at it, don't let the past hang over you.
My early and mid 20s were pretty socially volatile
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Enjoywho
Rags to Bitches



Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 20,880
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Quote:
Sleepwalker said: I have a hard time ending relationships myself. That responsibility has in the past been left up to the other party due to my fear and apathy, even when in my heart I know the relationship is dying and should be put out of it's misery.
Regrets can arise no matter which path you take, but the regrets that really stick to my mind are the "what-if"s. My mistakes and messes made are at least set in stone for me to examine and learn from, whereas missed opportunities linger in the mind like a fog.
As I get older, I find it all the more true that no human is really one of a kind. Thoughts and personality that I thought were unique to myself I find lurking or shining from others.
You are not alone in wanting a long and faithful partnership. Yes, these attempts often fail, lacking practice or finesse we make all manner of fuckups and hurt the ones we love, or allow that love to fade into grey routine.
Both parties have to be willing to work on keeping the foundation of the relationship strong, and the garden blooming. Your anxiety about being abandoned is actually helping to manifest your loneliness into reality...
The power flows both ways. You must be strong for the other so they in turn can support you.
I'm rambling. I hope you can get something out of it.
Ya same here. I don't really enjoy confrontation. I know I've definitely stayed way longer than I should have wasting both of our time.
-------------------- "I don't give nothin' to nobody, I just pay the cost to do business." - Riley "Young Reezy"-Boondocks "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." "In the days of kings and queens I was a jester." "And then the great lord created bears... too many bears... shoulda really dialed back on the bears." Squidbillies "Can you start speaking words instead of your damn filthy lies!"- Louise "Bobs Burgers"
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: not long term material [Re: Enjoywho]
#23496412 - 07/31/16 05:41 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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I tend to do the same. But then sometimes I think I jump the gun and cut a relationship short prematurely.
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Free time is the only time
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: I tend to do the same. But then sometimes I think I jump the gun and cut a relationship short prematurely.
I cut ties with my best friend because I knew it had to happen, we were arguing all the time and I kept getting drunk and bleeding my broken heart all over her; nearly a year later I still feel hella guilty for hurting her feelings so badly. She told me once that the only person who stuck around her as long as I had was her boyfriend, she never had a friend for more than 6 months before me. I cried out of guilt for what I did to her while I was drunk a few nights ago
My point being that ending a relationship with someone is unbelievably difficult. I honestly think the only reason I'm able to force myself to do shit like that is because I hate myself so powerfully that it overwhelms the rest of my emotions.
I had another friend who I basically rage-quit my friendship with, but I wouldn't take that one back even though I miss him a lot. He was selfish and treated me like a second-class friend all the time even though we've known each other for like 15 years
So we all have our crosses to bear. Being the dump-er sucks ass too, obviously not nearly as much as being dumped but still, it fucking blows.
Honestly OP, I don't think I know anyone over 40 who has more then 2 friends that they've had for more than 10 years. People change, they move on, they literally move away, etc. Lifes a bitch and then you die
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Quote:
Sleepwalker said:
Both parties have to be willing to work on keeping the foundation of the relationship strong, and the garden blooming. Your anxiety about being abandoned is actually helping to manifest your loneliness into reality...
The power flows both ways. You must be strong for the other so they in turn can support you.
I'm rambling. I hope you can get something out of it.
I forgot to say this is great advice. And I've given it to others plenty of times, because it is very true. But I've always had an awfully hard time following my own advice. I get pretty stupid ideas in my head and no matter what I do I can't really shake them. Even if I'm not actively thinking about them they're still there, lurking under the surface, waiting for some event or situation to inflame them so they can bubble up and torture me.
But that's a big reason I like this girl so much. She understands how stupid my head can be. None of my previous partners did. And I don't think I've ever personally met anyone that understands it on the level she does. It's not exactly normal anxiety, I didn't get labelled with a disorder because everyone thinks like me. People tend to think I'm more messed up than I am or more normal than I am It is so relieving to finally know someone who understands at the depth she does. It's one of those things you can't really know unless you personally experience it.
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Free time is the only time
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Re: not long term material [Re: bloodsheen]
#23497691 - 08/01/16 06:36 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
bloodsheen said:
My point being that ending a relationship with someone is unbelievably difficult. I honestly think the only reason I'm able to force myself to do shit like that is because I hate myself so powerfully that it overwhelms the rest of my emotions.
This is exactly why I think I end relationships prematurely sometimes. I get so down about myself and misinterpret signs and think I'm burdening someone when often they just needed a little space to deal with their own personal issues.
I suppose you guys are right about most people my age not having many friends that they've had for many years. But at the same time most people around my age are getting married and settling down with their "family" of a partner and a well-established group of friends.
I feel like I'm out trying to build from the ground up. Again.
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Free time is the only time
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said:
Quote:
bloodsheen said:
My point being that ending a relationship with someone is unbelievably difficult. I honestly think the only reason I'm able to force myself to do shit like that is because I hate myself so powerfully that it overwhelms the rest of my emotions.
This is exactly why I think I end relationships prematurely sometimes. I get so down about myself and misinterpret signs and think I'm burdening someone when often they just needed a little space to deal with their own personal issues.
I suppose you guys are right about most people my age not having many friends that they've had for many years. But at the same time most people around my age are getting married and settling down with their "family" of a partner and a well-established group of friends.
I feel like I'm out trying to build from the ground up. Again.
if you're always building from the ground up, you're not digging a rut
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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JesusDaMartian
★ Intergalactic Shaman ★


Registered: 04/27/14
Posts: 406
Loc: USA East Coast
Last seen: 5 months, 29 days
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Re: not long term material [Re: demiu5]
#23524642 - 08/09/16 11:23 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Best Advice I can give
Make sure you're happy with everything else in your life before adding someone to it. Do everything you want/need to do and have everything set up straight. Then you will find a girl you like and add her to the equation. Distance is a really tough element to deal with as well. Try finding a girl closer to you. Whether its online or at a bar or whatever. But - Dont commit unless she really blows you away in every aspect because in the end you'll be cheating yourself and want to ditch her for someone else. With that said 30 is still young for a guy in today's society. You're not running out of time. You will find what you desire. Just wondering - What part of the states are you from ?
-------------------- "If you smile at me, I will understand 'Cause that is something everybody everywhere does In the same language" -Wooden Ships
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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I'm from the central east coast. And I've met my last 2 gfs online, and 2 potentials from friends of friends (that were impressively terrible.) It's hard to find people in person when you can't drink and you can't fucking hear anything in most large social gatherings. And suddenly find yourself with no friends. My last couple friends have dropped out of my life.
I dunno. I am on the verge of calling it off with my current partner. I caught her in a lie. A very understandable lie but no less trust breaking. It fucking tears me up that I cannot trust her anymore. I've been trying to let her rebuild my trust but I just find myself questioning more and more... And since she doesn't live here it's near impossible for her to put my fears to rest.
Moreso I realize that she just doesn't have very much discipline and personal drive. I have alot of respect for her for what she does, I know she does try, but I know she makes excuses for herself not reaching as high as she should. I have ALWAYS battled with that pitiful part of myself. It bothers me because I do the same while I'm trying to shake out of it. I fear we enable eachothers behavior. I can tell she's developed more self control and consideration... But she is who she is. A person can only grow so much in some places.
I feel we may not be meant for eachother. But I can't help but feel I may be making a mistake. I've certainly not met another woman like her... Sigh. Help my brain.
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Free time is the only time
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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On the note of finding intimate relationships, it is also harder in person because I'm a conversational idiot. I can manipulate people in innocent ways but I can't turn them or a conversation to the direction I need it to go. I can't just go up to a woman and say "hi I'm CookieCrumbs, I'm a lesbian and I think you're pretty."
...
And I'm south enough that I could seriously creep out a lady at best, or deeply offend them like I'm proposing to rape them or something at worst (yes I have had conservative women treat me like that.)
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Free time is the only time
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100_the_cat

Registered: 09/27/16
Posts: 315
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said: On the note of finding intimate relationships, it is also harder in person because I'm a conversational idiot. I can manipulate people in innocent ways but I can't turn them or a conversation to the direction I need it to go. I can't just go up to a woman and say "hi I'm CookieCrumbs, I'm a lesbian and I think you're pretty."
...
And I'm south enough that I could seriously creep out a lady at best, or deeply offend them like I'm proposing to rape them or something at worst (yes I have had conservative women treat me like that.)
I thought being that direct was what a conversational idiot was...I seem to only terrify people when I do that
But that's relieving if it's actually considered ok
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Lol well it is an extreme in the opposite direction. Things would be a whole hell of alot easier if it worked like that.
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Free time is the only time
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise



Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,994
Loc: so many roads
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Few brief thoughts,
I've recognized that making friends is not the hurdle, it's maintaining. Staying in touch and connected through the years let alone decades takes tremendous effort on both sides.
Even lone wolves can pair up and find momentary happiness in a mate.
What I've noticed is that my long term friends (not many, I have the same problem as you it seems), our success or lack thereof a relationship isn't dependent on common interests or compatibility, chemistry.. but the wlingness and determination, discipline to commitment.
In a sense it's a form of rigidity. Now if this isn't the type of person who naturally piques your intrest, therein lies the fundamental issue.
Side note, I'm not sure what your partner lied about, but the BS that mine and I dished out and worked through with another truly nurtured an endearing and harmonious understanding. Forgiveness is an amazing healer for both parties
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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finalexplosion
Stranger
Registered: 11/04/16
Posts: 370
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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TS you are not a middle age woman or a moldy bag of milk. Nearing 30s? LOL you got a decade or more of pussy slaying to do and with tinder, bumble, and just hitting on girls, the options are endless. It doesn't get harder to get girls with age as a guy. Finding motivation and listening to society that you should commit or marry and be unhappy like every other chump gets pushed. The truth is that, girls got options in youth. Doors open up as a man with age. Men look more masculine, more manly, have been around the block, and lived a bit. Girls want to lock it down. Guys usually want to be free bird unless beta and scared of losing her. You are over thinking it.
Advice: Go out. Make friends with younger guys who got the vigor and want to get girls. Workout. Keep testosterone high. Eat a balanced diet. Date lots of women, have sex, see the world, and when you are ready having lived a life, settle down with a family if that resonates. If you banged like no girls, marrying the first obese woman willing to settle for you after years of going through players is not a happy existence.
-------------------- The light of wisdom is driving away the darkness. Look at the ground. Now you can see your own shadow. If you are scared by the shadow that follows you, just remember, wherever shadows fall, light is always nearby.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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I feel like I should start every thread with I AM A LESBIAN AND I HAVE A VAGINA
But yeah I do think I am a big of a free bird, and I've never liked being tied down, because I do tend to over think alot of shit. Not even bad shit, just that I obsess over things. I have banged other girls, and my gf is not obese 
We talked about marriage at one point, she's native to Canada and I'd really like to move up north one day... seems a good way to do it. But with the shit that has happened in our relationship since then... it sucks but marriage is definitely not something I see in the future right now.
Quote:
birdeatingspider said: Few brief thoughts,
I've recognized that making friends is not the hurdle, it's maintaining. Staying in touch and connected through the years let alone decades takes tremendous effort on both sides.
Even lone wolves can pair up and find momentary happiness in a mate.
What I've noticed is that my long term friends (not many, I have the same problem as you it seems), our success or lack thereof a relationship isn't dependent on common interests or compatibility, chemistry.. but the wlingness and determination, discipline to commitment.
In a sense it's a form of rigidity. Now if this isn't the type of person who naturally piques your intrest, therein lies the fundamental issue.
Side note, I'm not sure what your partner lied about, but the BS that mine and I dished out and worked through with another truly nurtured an endearing and harmonious understanding. Forgiveness is an amazing healer for both parties
I've not been ignoring this. I've just not been in my 'normal' frame of mind to address it. And I'm still not but I'm almost never in a 'normal' state of mind. I really do love her personality. She's the only one I've ever met to make me laugh and smile and feel happy, however brief, no matter how down I might be. Lately it hasn't been like that. And I don't know if it's from the lack of trying on her end (due to frustration, I'm not an easy person to be around all the time) or if it's because of these ideas I've had in my head.
I think I may initially meld in with people too well. I blame the Libra in me. And some people have felt cheated and lied to about it, but it's really not an intentional thing. My personality, or at least my surface personality, shifts alot. Most people don't understand that. Most people put pressure on me to act one way or another and that often either causes me to leave or stay and feel guilty for constantly failing to live up to their expectations. My preset personality, the one I always fall back on, is depressed. Mostly because it's always there and it's unfortunately not hard to trigger. And I'm often depressed because of shit like this.
Borderline personality disorder was once thought to be a precursor to multiple personality disorder. I can see why. I control it as best I can, constantly, while trying to balance out actually having emotions. Compared to other people I've heard of with BPD I'd say I do fairly well for the most part. But it's not something I can completely hide, and I'm not sure I'd want to, and the strain of constantly fighting myself while trying not to beat myself up is very taxing.
I like who I am. I hate that it seems that who I am just can't work with anyone in the long term.
I wasn't wanting this thread to focus on this borderline personality of mine. But I suppose it does come down to that. It's my fault and it's their fault but the inherent flaw lies within me.
My lady understands this, understands how my perspective and train of thought can drastically change in mere moments sometimes, and that understanding is probably the only reason we are still together. But it is wearing on me. I used to feel safe telling her anything, showing her the crazy fucked up rainbow of my personality, and I don't anymore. I'm almost mad at myself for ever thinking I could. I am much more angry with myself than with her.
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Free time is the only time
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Quote:
CookieCrumbs said:
Borderline personality disorder
I'm not sure what many of these psychiatric ideas are supposed to mean, BPD, anxiety attacks, bipolar...
Dark, negative emotions crowd my mind all the time, horrible feelings which can be painful and make it difficult to think clearly or act. My understanding of this, is that its just the nature of life, and the mind must be tempered through the will.
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finalexplosion
Stranger
Registered: 11/04/16
Posts: 370
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Dude, you gotta get the f out of your own way.
Thoughts like, "she will find someone better" will push her onto other guys d very swiftly. You will act in such a depressing and self consciousness insecure manner that will sabotage the relationship.
There is a great deal of anti competition, aversion to winning, and playing it safe in society today. Very common in the PC culture, liberal, play it safe, walk on egg shells mentality, and lets all get participation ribbons for being garbage. Its the mating call of the loser.
Your mindset should be WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
I have read a fair share of sports autobiographies. Guys like Jordan. He has a vid that puts chills down my spine
He goes on a tangent about failing, taking the game winning shot, failing time and time again but, that is why he succeeds. I am fucking numb listening to the man given we live in a society that cries sexist or racist and stinks of low testosterone.
Win. You want the girl. She is mine. GET IT! If she isn't down, cool. You took a stand. You marked your territory. Move on. You want anything in this life, go get it. If you wont, I will.
Start reading books that will motivate and inspire you. Motivation is like a shower. It wears off, you stink, and you need another shower. Get it. WIN WIN WIN WIN!
-------------------- The light of wisdom is driving away the darkness. Look at the ground. Now you can see your own shadow. If you are scared by the shadow that follows you, just remember, wherever shadows fall, light is always nearby.
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birdeatingspider
Stranger in Paradise



Registered: 12/18/14
Posts: 2,994
Loc: so many roads
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How long have you two been together? If you don't mind me asking.
I disagree with being gun-ho-agro. If anything this is something to reflect deeply on. It sounds like you are.. and that is natural.
Mine and I have been together for over three years. I hate to sound cliche, but our relationship has phased through many seasons while standing the test of time. First year was the honeymoon, getting to know another(we were long term friends growing up, dating separated by the decade that I traveled, so more re-aquainting and diminishing the preconceived notions of who we thought the other was). Second year we settled in, had a lot of really awful fights.. worked the kinks out, so to speak. The third year, as if passing some invisible mile marker, things really mellowed out and all has been peaceful for the most part. Nowadays we still don't get sick of another, but occasionally struggle before reaching an understanding. Drawn out point being that a relationship is anything but static, sometimes it's just a matter of faring the breakers before it's smooth sailing.
Be careful with consulting the DSM.. I will never forget the day I recieved the BPD title.. I got home and promptly googled this alien diagnosis. The feeling of dread slowly sank in while a lump in my throat surfaced, and for many years I identified and allowed it to define me. Not that you are doing the same, but even unconsciously I personally feel the label can exasperate this 'disorder'. You're much better off staying true to your zodiacal sign.. we are all made of stardust, after all.
What are the dynamics like. Are you two more similar than different? Is communication effective for you both? This is just food for thought, knowing such will all factor into the long term haul.
When in doubt sleep on it. Better yet, trip together. Even compared to a ten day cruise, nothing will fortify a bond better than a methodical, intimate journey with another.. or apart, depending on how you process.
If you have any married-life friends, ask for their input. Most importantly, listen to your heart and trust your wise mind- Take it for what it's worth.. it's weight in gold
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From all I may be, or have been before, To mingle with the Universe, and feel What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.
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