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Offlinekazoo23
Stranger
Registered: 07/08/16
Posts: 11
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months
Heroic dose experience--partial ego death?
    #23486866 - 07/28/16 06:24 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

So last weekend I decided to do a heroic dose of shrooms and thought I would share the experience. Let me start by saying I've had many psychedelic experiences over the past 20 years--mostly LSD and shrooms, all of which were for outward experience (a few MDMA experiences thrown in). Have also done my are share of "party" drugs like coke, adderall and drinking since I was in high school. Even though I had done the previous trips for outward experiences I know that my thinking has been altered because of those experiences. I've also done some very extensive work on my myself through many things like coaching, therapy, retreats, etc. and am a voracious reader of anything relative to our mind and subconscious. With that said, a colleague of mine recommended the movie Neuron to Nirvana and that sparked an interest in using Ayahuasca for an internal healing for the purpose of cleaning up some childhood experiences that I know still affect me to this day. Missing out on a 10-day retreat I started to look into shrooms and quickly started to devour information on this site and others--especially listening to McKenna.

I decided since the Ayahuasca/DMT thing didn't work out I would invest my time and effort into cultivating my own shrooms so I bought spores (cubes--B+ and Cambodian) along with a grow kit (12 cakes) and started growing about 6 weeks ago. I was able to start harvesting my first flush two weeks ago (started drying the first ones) and put a bunch of fresh ones in a paper bag in the fridge. I decided last Friday was going to be the day I did my heroic dose (had been about 4 months since my last experience but that was about 1 to 1.5 grams with my girlfriend). So here is how things went down:

7:30 I ate 55 grams of fresh mushies dipped in chocolate pudding (figuring that 55g fresh was the equivalent to 5g dry) on an empty stomach (ate a huge lunch at 1 but nothing else up to that point). Figured I would have about an hour to prep while they digested but they started to hit within 15 minutes, which totally caught me off guard. Maybe it was how fresh they were and on an empty stomach. I laid out some bud, got some music ready and put on my blindfold and started to meditate and offer a sort of surrendering to the guidance that was coming (and asking for "them" to go easy on me). I did set an intention of wanting to learn about my earlier experiences and anything else that might help me on my current path (which, in part of a whole is as a life coach--something I call Neural Reprogramming). By 8 I was getting hit very hard and just went with it while sitting on my couch.

By 8:30 the visuals were so freaking intense I could hardly handle it. There were points where I had hands that were encouraging me to come along and honestly felt, once I lifted my hand to join them, that I was being pulled into a vortex where things were flashing before me. At one point I came to an understanding of my earlier experiences in life having been totally created by me--that all my suffering was created by me and myself alone. That all I had was my mind and that the only reason I know those things to exist was because I manufactured them (for a lack of a better way to say it) in my own mind. This felt like hours. I would occasionally remove the blindfold and look at my physical surroundings and everything was electrified with red energy. Like red electric grids. It was so intense I couldn't do that for too long. I went back and forth between being blindfolded and looking around, not being able to tolerate either for too long. At this point I kept thinking I did not measure correctly and that eating 25 or so medium sized mushrooms must have been too much but I kept reminding myself that I did this to myself...to learn, to be taught by something much greater than any other teacher I've had.

By about 9/9:30 (not really sure because I couldn't read my watch or my phone) I had most of my attention in the room I was in. I became very confused and started to have the same experience over and over. I put on the tv (Ice Age I think) and it seemed that the same part of the movie kept playing over and over again. A minute felt like 10 to 20 minutes. I started to talk to myself--repeating that I chose to do this and that I keep repeating things so I can learn. At this point I kept looking back into my life and questioning what I was doing. I couldn't stay there and kept coming back to my current place, which I couldn't make sense of. I did have the distinction of being nothing more than energy in a conscious experience and this might be what hell is--that is, continuing to repeat the same few minutes over and over and over. But in repeating that I must go back to the beginning and learn again I started to create what I was calling at the time a binaural rhythm and beats because I was hearing noise that was rhythmic and I was saying things that rhymed and had the feeling that this is where music started. I was filled with so much joy but the confusion would wash over me and freak me out. There were many points where I just wanted it to end.

By about 10 I was out of my mind and kept looking for things to connect me to the real world--things in my house. I continued to remind myself that I did this to myself and then started on this thought that I created everything I had read on the experience for myself. Like I wrote all of McKenna's stuff for myself and I needed to hear that it was from someone else in order for me to digest it. And that eventually led itself into seeing that I wasn't so separate from everyone else and that I was part of consciousness as a whole--that everyone was the extension of my consciousness--or rather, that we are all part of the same consciousness and that we are just different points of the same consciousness. So maybe I didn't directly write the McKenna stuff but he is a part of my consciousness so it is a part of me anyway.

About 10:15 I remember trying appreciating that I could make sense of time--that I understood the concept of it and understand that it was linear but I couldn't make sense of it beyond that. I do recall closing my eyes (blindfolded) at 10:15 and opening them after what felt like 15 minutes and it was only 10:16. This I knew was the next number to come after 10:15. At least I knew that much. I also recall going into the bathroom and feeling like I could transport myself into anyone else's bathroom and that I was actually in their bathroom.

My ex who knew what I was doing started to text me and having contact with the outside world was a welcomed distraction--although putting a text together was not easy. I asked her to call when she had a moment but she was already in the process of calling me and having someone to connect to was HUGE! It totally brought things into perspective for me! Well, at least as much as I could at that moment. She wanted to come out and I would not let her as I knew I needed to complete this by myself as I knew she would not understand what I would continue to go through. After that phone call I recall thinking how important connection was as part of our purpose in this time space reality, which is connecting to different parts of our consciousness through others. I was very appreciative for having that "reality" check. Not long after that I put on the TV and the movie "The Watch" with Ben Stiller was on and I couldn't look at their faces. Freaked me out how weird they looked.

10:45 I went outside to have a smoke (both pot and a cigarette, which I don't smoke often but felt like the right thing to do at the time) and I started to think about how I was living my personal life. As a bachelor I live alone and I recall looking around and seeing that I lived like a total bachelor--stepping over a sock on the floor, an old screen sitting on my deck for weeks and even though I own multiple businesses and have what I think is a pretty good head on my shoulders I saw myself in a really real way--I saw that my personal life was haphazard and lazy. Made me sick to my stomach. I realized that I need order in my life.

11:00 I laid back on my couch and felt the desire to close my eyes--like I wanted to sleep but I knew that wouldn't happen. The visuals I experienced at this point were very feminine and sexual as opposed to the more masculine (and almost aztec-like) in the beginning. I laid there for an hour just appreciated the movements, feelings and visuals.

12:00 I laid facing my couch cushions and while listening to Pink Floyd (total cliche' I know) I spent about 15 minutes appreciating the fabric of my couch. Soon thereafter I closed my eyes and just meditated.

1:00 Realizing that I was coming down I didn't want it to end and ate another mushie but I don't think it did anything. I opened a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau and had a glass of wine while watching TV and reflecting on my evening.

The next day I had the distinct feeling of not caring about much--a feeling of what I call "notgivingafuckery" that carried itself through this week. I went on a date that next day and I could not drink. It took an hour to inish one drink. The thought of putting alcohol in my system made me sad and sick. I didn't really care how I came off to the girl I was with either. It wasn't going to work out anyway but interestingly I liked her that night but ran into her at the grocery store a few days later and was glad we decided to go our separate ways now that I had a few more days to reacclimate to my life (she was kind of odd and I didn't care to evaluate much while with her--was just appreciative of the company). The next day I went out on the motorcycle with friends and shots were flowing and I couldn't even stand the thought of it. Even went out on a date last night and couldn't finish a beer. I share this because I do tend to drink socially and occasionally to alter my state but I just can't seem to see myself doing that again. I never felt I had an issue with it as I always had a limit to how much I would do in any period of time (meaning, if I had a long weekend with the guys I wouldn't drink for a while). But this is different. I wonder if having the realization that I created all my own suffering and the things I carried with me (childhood abuse--physical and mental) was my own creation and any partying I did was a way to fill what holes were left by that illusion. Meaning, by cleaning up some of past suffering I inadvertently reduced the desire to alter my state in social settings. I actually felt slow and dumb with alcohol in my system--even the little amount I had.

I would say that if I were to do it again I would have bridged this with a smaller dose in between to prepare myself since I don't think I ever did more than 2 grams at once. Nor did I know how good my shrooms were going to be. However, having had the experience I did have, albeit scary and confusing, I do believe a part of my ego has been chiseled away and for that I am appreciative and know that life for me has been altered for the better. Now that I know what to expect I can't wait for the next one, which I will do soon (now that I have the dried ones and my second flush starting). That is all for now!!


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Offlineshroomizzy
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Registered: 09/22/02
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Re: Heroic dose experience--partial ego death? [Re: kazoo23]
    #23488774 - 07/29/16 09:52 AM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Nice report man! Seems you came out of the experience with something useful


--------------------
:::::Sincerely Yours, I disown you:::::


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Offlinekazoo23
Stranger
Registered: 07/08/16
Posts: 11
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months
Re: Heroic dose experience--partial ego death? [Re: shroomizzy]
    #23489367 - 07/29/16 01:47 PM (7 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks! I can say that I know something has shifted in me. A week later now and I feel pretty good that I've found a nice happy medium/balance between what I walked away with that night and the things I like about my current reality experience. I only regret not being able to stay blindfolded and in the dark for longer but not fully knowing what to expect it freaked me out. However, I think the intention (the set and setting) to learn something definitely contributed with what I came away with--even in my physical space focus. One other thing, I continue to have these moments where I am taken aback by the beauty that surrounds me and my tolerance for little disturbances (frustrations) has definitely changed. Reacting to little things seems so petty!


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