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OfflineApostle
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Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it?
    #23469943 - 07/23/16 04:51 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

i think the lyrics and general idea for the song are pretty solid.


i am an awful singer but i will sing and record and upload it if yall want.


also, should i use vocaroo or some other site?


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OfflineMykoMykoAnay
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23469945 - 07/23/16 04:52 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I'll listen to it. Not sure what site, maybe just use the OS voice recorder and YouTube to upload. Post the lyrics.


--------------------
"He who seeks freedom for anything but freedom's self is made to be a slave."
Old Regime (1856)


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InvisibleAlexthegreat
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23469960 - 07/23/16 04:57 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I will definitely listen to it.


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Alexthegreat]
    #23470038 - 07/23/16 05:25 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

WARNING LOUD LOW QUALITY AUDIO

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0bt3MtYuFvk

I grab my pistol and i shoot into the sky
Tryna hit God so he can bleed me down some reasons why
i never go nowhere no matter how hard i try
i swear to me, i'ts gonna be the reason that i die
Tearing my brain trying to explain this circus we call life
Predisposition for the fixin', crimson sacrifice
These medications bring sensations which leave me content
to step in line with a society that i resent

We are the Youth, we are the truth, we are uncharted land
We are the blank canvas they wish to paint with their demands
we are the changing tide that's rolled in with the changing times
we are a threat because we've yet to leave our dreams behind
we may be beaten and mistreaten for the way we live
we keep on fighting 'cause our fights all we've got left to give

I grab my needle and i shoot into my arm
The Doctors tell me that im doing myself lots of harm
i disagree because you see, the feeling feels so warm
what leaves me cold is doing as im told since i was born
into this world where i cant help but to feel out of place
try to escape but when i run just fall flat on my face
So now i stay where i can lay down on the ground to waste
and let the pleasures which i treasure drown out my distaste
for all the standards which are hammered into our young minds
"land of the free", still feels to me like my souls doing time

We are the Youth, we are the truth, we are uncharted land
We are the blank canvas they wish to paint with their demands
we are the changing tide that's rolled in with the changing times
we are a threat because we've yet to leave our dreams behind
we may be beaten and mistreaten for the way we live
we keep on fighting 'cause our fight all we've got left to give

- Hologram



I have a couple more if there's any interest.


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InvisibleJohn NadaDiscord
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470060 - 07/23/16 05:32 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Honestly, this is trash. The lyrics are gay as fuck, corny, hokey, teen angsty bullshit. The singing is terrible and the cadence and melody are just the exact same pattern repeated every 2 bars or so for the whole time. Don't try to do music.


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: John Nada]
    #23470062 - 07/23/16 05:34 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I appreciate that. I know my voice is bad and i have heard that the melody is half assed and not varied enough.
I can see that.
I thought the lyrics were ok, but i respect your opinion.


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Offlinedesant
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470071 - 07/23/16 05:38 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

This life's a bloody circus :yesnod:


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Offlineweirdguy32
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470072 - 07/23/16 05:38 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

the lyrics are impressive to me as well


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: weirdguy32]
    #23470076 - 07/23/16 05:40 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

thank you!

i have a "fun" song that is more feel good and sung in a Tom Waits kind of fashion that perhaps some would like better.


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InvisibleJohn NadaDiscord
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470080 - 07/23/16 05:41 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

That kid doesn't know what he's talking about. Your lyrics are garbage.


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InvisiblePrisoner#1
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470084 - 07/23/16 05:42 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Apostle said:
WARNING LOUD LOW QUALITY AUDIO






you should start with some of the oldies like twinkle twinkle little star and maybe happy birthday


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Offlineweirdguy32
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: John Nada]
    #23470090 - 07/23/16 05:45 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

:eatingout:


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: John Nada]
    #23470091 - 07/23/16 05:45 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I appreciate your feedback as well as his.

Everyones got their own opinion.


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Prisoner#1]
    #23470095 - 07/23/16 05:46 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Can i sang happy birthday Mr.Moderator ala Marilyn Monroe for you?


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InvisibleNiffla
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470098 - 07/23/16 05:47 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I think the lyrics are good, bud. I mean that. Well written. Keep working on the vocals. Play around with it. It'll only get better with repetition. And remember that singing A cappella can be unforgiving and will only sound better once it's accompanied with some music.

I think you've laid some nice groundwork. Just keep at it and trying to perfect it. It can take some time and improvement can come in small increments but like anything else, you'll get better the more you work at it.


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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Niffla] * 1
    #23470100 - 07/23/16 05:48 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

that means alot to me man.


:awesome:

i don't ever anticipate becoming a good singer so i focus more on writing. i guess it couldnt hurt to practice though.


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InvisibleAlexthegreat
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470106 - 07/23/16 05:50 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I hope you aren't letting the haters get to you. If you don't have haters, you ain't doing something right. Good stuff.


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InvisiblePatrickKn
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470109 - 07/23/16 05:51 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Lyrics are okay. Yeah, a bit angsty for my tastes, but it has a bit of a flow to it. You could likely write on better themes and they would be pretty good. The recorded file was pretty awful, not just the sound quality, but the performance. Something to work on I suppose. Try using some headphones with a metronome or a drum beat in the background and then record.

Also:

"Anything too stupid to be said is sung."
-Voltaire


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Alexthegreat]
    #23470120 - 07/23/16 05:54 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)



He's one of my oldest fans .

Anyways, i want honesty more than anything and i'm no stranger to criticism.

I appreciate your encouragement more than you can imagine and i plan on continuing to pursue my writing be it song, short stories or poetry.


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: PatrickKn]
    #23470124 - 07/23/16 05:57 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Appreciate the feedback, yea my set up is God awful.

The song is pretty angsty but is supposed to be sung in jest.
Anyone that has knows me knows that i'm perfectly content being miserable and don't take myself too seriously.

again, thank you


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Offlineweirdguy32
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470126 - 07/23/16 05:59 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

OP I just played your song for my niece and she said she didn't like it and I told her to focus on your lyrics not the singing but she didn't and gave the girl of disapproval look but then I told her all she knows is rap songs, twerkings and other bullshit like that


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InvisiblePatrickKn
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470131 - 07/23/16 06:01 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

When I was reading it, I imagined a more Rage Against The Machine kind of background score to it. Like a heavy rock/rap influence. The way you sung it made it sound like a soppy pop song. Use your destroyed raspy vocal ranges for something more fitting to the lyrics and your voice.


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InvisibleNiffla
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: weirdguy32]
    #23470138 - 07/23/16 06:06 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

weirdguy32 said:
gave the girl of disapproval look but then I told her all she knows is rap songs, twerkings and other bullshit like that




I lol'd


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HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: weirdguy32]
    #23470152 - 07/23/16 06:14 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

weirdguy32 said:
OP I just played your song for my niece and she said she didn't like it and I told her to focus on your lyrics not the singing but she didn't and gave the girl of disapproval look but then I told her all she knows is rap songs, twerkings and other bullshit like that



i got some rap too

one sec


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470160 - 07/23/16 06:19 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

it's not kid friendly but here

http://vocaroo.com/i/s02zdeYYyL4W


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: PatrickKn]
    #23470165 - 07/23/16 06:20 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

PatrickKn said:
Use your destroyed raspy vocal ranges for something more fitting to the lyrics and your voice.



i have a song called "pink dress" which is song in a raspy voice if you'd like


be warned though, its sung by me so there's a good chance it's still going to sound like audio aids


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23470220 - 07/23/16 06:37 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0y95KMsxbWG


well
I put on a pink a dress today
i put on a pink dress tonight
i put on a pink dress today
Oh lord it felt so right


See this happened not too long ago
the other night when i was feeling low
Heading to the bar to get high
i saw a pretty thing that caught my eye
i said lately baby i been alone
why don't you throw this dog a bone?
She grabbed me by the balls and said
now son we gonna do this instead
Honey i'm a just take you home
'cause i see you've already got you're bone(Cmon!)



n I put on her pink dress that day
i put on a pink dress that night
Good lord it felt so tight
when i put on her pink dress that night

Well i was feeling really good one day
from all the drinks and drugs i'd put away
I saw a little girl by herself
so i strolled up to introduce myself
Right away i went in for a kiss
A little forward but she didn't resist
and i could tell that she wasn't scared
when she grabbed me there and led me up stairs

And I put on her pink that day
i put on a pink dress that night
good lord it felt so tight
when i put on her pink dress that night


the boys will laugh and that's alright
'cause i put on her pink dress that nighttt


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23471096 - 07/24/16 12:22 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)



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OfflineSeriously_trippin
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23471138 - 07/24/16 12:44 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I'm on acid at the moment so no offense but I'm not going to listen but simple things like dropping the word "these" in "these medications bring sensations" medication bringing me sensation,which leave me content (end of line) Only to step in line with this society I resent.  This particular spoken word style would Imo best be modeled after scroobius pip .

Best of luck Apostle you sound like you're having fun with it and honest that's all that matters


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa
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That Kid With The face
ShLong
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split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #23471143 - 07/24/16 12:46 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

yea i wouldn't want to hear me on acid either.


appreciate it!


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OfflineSeriously_trippin
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23471147 - 07/24/16 12:50 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I'll give it a listen sometime soon but yeah Ima play it safe on that one for the moment :ilold: happy trails , you will get better . At least you're expressing yourself


--------------------
R.I.P
Zombi3, Blue Helix
Modest Mouse
Zappa
Slothie
That Kid With The face
ShLong
Le Canard
split_by_nine
& Big Worm Forever
Etched in the sands of time in the shroomery and ever so beloved and deeply missed by many :heart:


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OfflineApostle
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Seriously_trippin]
    #23471155 - 07/24/16 12:55 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

:highfive:

enjoy your trip!


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Offlineergoticmandala
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: Apostle]
    #23472951 - 07/24/16 05:32 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

That kid doesn't know what he's talking about. Your lyrics are garbage.



i wanna see this dude write some better lyrics...


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Offlineergoticmandala
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Re: Will you listen to a song i wrote & critique it? [Re: ergoticmandala]
    #23472953 - 07/24/16 05:34 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

that could be taken wrong, I meant that i would like to see John Nada write some better verses


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