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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day.
#23465291 - 07/22/16 09:00 AM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
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Okay so I started about a month and a half ago. First, about my present state. I have a dissociation problem... a very serious one. I don't feel grounded ever. I was sexually abused by my father when I was two, repeatedly. That's a good estimate based on flashbacks I've had. I didn't confront him until I was in my early twenties, and of course it was confirmed. He's dead now.
I've been suicidal most of my life or had the thoughts. I recently started micro-dosing because I hit a wall and there doesn't seem to be any hope of ever getting around it e.g. I have nothing to lose. So much has been taken from me and never returned. So the first trip, I fell into tears about thirty minutes in. I wasn't tripping, just feeling funny like I was holding so much in and all of a sudden couldn't or didn't want to anymore. I was in my apartment cleaning and putting away groceries and just fell to my knees and started crying like a baby into the closest pillow I could find. Just before, I remember having terrible thoughts about how my life was going nowhere and had been nowhere and there is this looming air of death and eventually everything dies and pain and meaningless suffering. Then the tears for about thirty minutes off and on, then I came right out of it and wanted to exercise or felt like my body needed it, so I did some pushups and took a walk around my apartment complex. I felt very lonely. All my thoughts returned and nothing had seemed to change inherently in me. I just kept reminding myself that I had cried. Soon I got tired of reminding myself and I just went back into my very emotionally deadened, blunted numb state of PTSD or chronic shock and so began my wild thinking again.
There have been many other trips since then, most of which went about the same. Some crying, thoughts related to death and existential crisis. There has been some rage. I don't know if rage is something that is cried out or what. I just get really upset. Sometimes it causes further dissociation, sometimes I am comfortable enough to cry.
Last night was the latest .2 grams. I believe it was actually .3 grams. I just lay on my couch. It was after work. Work has been difficult for me, so is living in the town where my family and I once lived and we were all blissfully unaware of what had happened and what was actually happening in me my whole life. I was repressing the memory, the feelings, the everything about my father being a child-rapist and all-around sick fucking asshole that my mother knew about, but wanted to hide as much as he did. It's a lot for me, and I guess it would be a lot for anyone to take on esp. at such an early age. So I lay on my couch in my apartment, which I have come to despise and I tried closing my eyes and then there was just too much shit going on in my mind to "relax" to. I just felt fucked. I felt screwed. I felt eternally injured. I wanted to die. I wanted to have never been. I felt the dread of having to live another day like this, attached to myself. I curled up and began to cry. It came out easy and then louder and louder and louder. I started to shake and cry more. All the shit in my head screaming at me... I don't know if it stopped or if I was feeling it. I have no idea what was happening, I just tried to go with it. I WISH SO BAD I HAD A FRIEND TO SIT WITH ME WHILE THIS HAPPENS, but lately I don't think people care enough to do that for me. It exacerbates my depression to think this way, but it seems true. Most people I know are in AA and NA and just don't care about drugs or think they are useful. Most people I know accuse me of being a nihilist or a brooding asshole. All of that being said to me is like name calling... it hurts deeply. It seems so unfair that as a wounded child I was trained to repress my feelings and to "act right" around strangers. The whole while I was being trained to not tell secrets. Now I'm in my thirties and think about suicide daily.
I honestly don't feel any different today than I felt yesterday. I know I cried last night. I don't know if it's just the drugs or if the drugs are helping me purge things that are real and I just have a lot in me that is hurting. I've been miserable for years with no reprieve, and I constantly beat myself up for not having accomplished more in my life. I hate my whole existence. I hope mushrooms are helping me. Helping me what, I used to think I knew, but now all I feel is pain and dread. My level of resentment is so heavy...
If you have experiences with mushrooms actually helping you through something heavy... please PM me or post. I really need hope, and real hope because this has become a real struggle for me. I've screamed at therapists, taken meds knowing they would only cover it up, done emdr and all the modalities. I have gotten so hateful and angry at a world that never knew what to do to help me. I just want to get better. I just want to feel things even if it is painful. So yeah, hope or experience would be good to hear right now
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unfortunategent
Stranger


Registered: 06/04/14
Posts: 316
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
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Re: Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day. [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23466789 - 07/22/16 05:20 PM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
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Current 30 y/o's are facing a lot of deep issues at the moment. It's a tough time for us, especially if you're sensitive to your spirit/deeper self.
Don't lose hope! You'll get a break soon!
Keep doing what you are doing as long as you can stand it. Now is the time to address these issues while you have easy access to your deeper layers. Commune with yourself as often as you can and know that healing is not only possible, but guaranteed. You know you want to get better, and right now, your subconscious self, which always knows what you want, is trying to help you. And when your unconscious self and conscious self unite to accomplish something, it's as good as done.
Also, remember that your suicidal thoughts are deceptive. You do not want to die. You just want the current version of yourself to die. You can't live your best life with what you're carrying around. Those parts of you NEED TO DIE altogether. So it's only natural that death is on your mind. Just don't forget the flip side: The only reason you want parts of yourself to die is because you want the living parts to live more abundantly.
As far as mushrooms go, if the micro-dosing is working for you, I'd say keep at it for awhile. Just be careful that you don't overwhelm yourself with more than you can emotionally handle. Make sure you are taking breaks and whatnot. I'm more of a proponent of infrequent, heavy dose trips in a safe environment or with a caring sitter. I feel more can be accomplished in one fell swoop that way. Maybe after your period of microdosing, take a break for awhile and plan for a big one?
Anyway, best of luck in your personal journey and I hope you're healing comes swiftly.
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YeOlde
Stranger

Registered: 04/19/14
Posts: 647
Loc: UK
Last seen: 4 years, 4 months
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Re: Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day. [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23468819 - 07/23/16 10:19 AM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
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Have you tried a big dose? I had some med-large doses (2.5 - 3.5g) and I am diagnosed with Depression and PTSD also caused by childhood sexual trauma.
The mushrooms really helped me a lot in feeling comfortable with my life. They made me realise the true gift of life, our consciousness and that our emotions are nothing but a supplement to the consciousness. We must try and not let ourselves be ruled by emotions.
It was the intensity of the trips that caused this long lasting change in me. It's been over 6 weeks and I'm still better from it.
-------------------- My Psychedelic experiences: LSD - 30+ times (2 hits min / max 3 hits) every time. Shrooms - 4 times (2.5 - 3.5g) DMT - 5 times (Powerful breakthrough only once) Life can be one hell of a bitter pill to swallow so I chose acid instead -YeOlde
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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Re: Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day. [Re: YeOlde]
#23472033 - 07/24/16 11:27 AM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
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thanks unfortunategent and yeolde. I really needed to hear something like that. I have been planning a big dose, or at least have been kicking the idea around. the microdose thing came about from a really educated suggestion from someone else with experience and because I couldn't find any good connections at the time. Now I'm growing, so when/if they come in, I'll be trying to take a break and then go big.
I honestly feel like I don't know how much I can stand right now. I want to get it out and to change so badly. I dosed last night and I just wanted to lay down and was so upset when I had to get off the couch to check on dinner in the kitchen. I just don't like this internal dialogue that narrates what I've done and what I'm going to do LOL. It feels like a parasite. I feel controlled. Maybe it's the ego? It's really apparent when I'm dosing and it just makes me cringe or feel weak or I sense that it doesn't care or understand who I really am and it won't let me be who I really am. I hope this doesn't sound psychotic. Hearing it blaring in my mind kicks my ass. It's been this way since childhood. I just feel numbed out to the bone and it just makes me feel weak that I'm letting this be the way things are.
On the trips (if you want to actually call them that), it's a bunch of images from the past and confusion and fear and anger and hopelessness that comes up. It's like being hit in the face with images and sounds and words that I don't understand. All I feel like I can do with them is block them out all the time, but to work on blocking things out all the time seems to be my problem. My gf told me last night that I just seem "chronic." It's such a heavy weight to be pushed in by something invisible that I don't understand.
Yeolde, I do feel ruled by my emotions and my body. I would love to feel comfortable. I realize I really have no idea what that is... comfortable. Did the large doses really clear things up? I really would like to have a good experience. I just feel dirty and beat up. when I'm not dosing, I seem to block feelings out and do my best to fake. When I'm dosing, it makes everything more intense.
Unfortunate, why are you unfortunate??! LOL. I would love to have a sitter with me. I did LSD back in Feb, which was so scary for me. I had hit a wall. I hated everything and I couldn't express my anger and all this shit that I didn't even know what it was. I did it with some experienced older people that I sort of knew, but had never done drugs with. I gave them the low down on what was going on with me and they understood up to a point, but when I started to cry and wail and kick and scream, I get the feeling they didn't know what was happening. As soon as I got the idea in my head that they really didn't care, I shut down and was shut down the rest of the trip. And they expected me to feel better the next day and I actually felt worse. I had opened and closed and it would be amazing if I found a sitter that would let me open all the way up and stay that way for as long as possible!
Thanks again for your words and concerns. I'm holding onto everything I can to stay moving through this.
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RiverGoddess
~ Goddess ~
Registered: 07/30/16
Posts: 5
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
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Re: Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day. [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23495693 - 07/31/16 01:50 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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I am so sorry that you are struggling and can so feel and hear the pain you are enduring. Healing is not easy, it is long and painful but you are doing it and you are on your way.
Have you considered attending some form of ceremony, for example, a Huachuma ceremony (San Pedro cactus), or a gathering of women who would sit in mushroom ceremony with you? It is out there, if you look. There is a lot of space to be held for healing women, using ceremony and teacher plants.
If you find this setting, it is wonderful. You can cry, you can scream, and through it you are seen and witnessed. Sometimes, just being seen and witnessed during those moments is what we need to heal and move on.
I too have depression and PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and being raised by a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been healing my depression with micro-dosing. I tend more on the depression side and less on the PTSD side, I don't find myself in emotional agony as much as just living in apathy and isolation. That has really turned around for me with micro-dosing.
I agree with the above poster about considering one large dose. For me, I healed some very deep and serious pain around an abortion I had had, and always regretted. I carried the pain of that with me for years and it was eating away at me. I healed it with a trip, 6g of Pcubesis (2g, wait half hour to an hour, take 2g, wait half hour to an hour, take 2g) The trip itself was hard and dark, At one point I was crawling around on the floor screaming and sweating like a wild animal... at another I actually felt like I birthed that child and she was in my hands, I could see her almost like a hologram fading in and out until she crumbled away. I cried and wailed and sounds came out of me that I had never heard before. When the night was over I was so incredibly exhausted, but also so incredibly relieved... I felt as though I had really let go of the hurt that I had been carrying around. It has been 5 months and I still feel at peace.
It will definitely be hard and painful, but if you can find someone you trust to sit with you, or a ceremony of people to hold you, there is much healing to be done with the higher doses. Let yourself feel through it, all the way... That is where the real healing takes place.
Good luck on your journey ~
Edited by RiverGoddess (07/31/16 01:54 PM)
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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Re: Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day. [Re: RiverGoddess]
#23497052 - 07/31/16 09:10 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks river so much 
I'm a guy BTW. That can be confusing and makes it a lot harder even for me phathom or to get in touch with that much rage.
I have been looking for shamans and ceremonies for months. Its been exhausting. I've been so.... Idk out of it but trying to pull though. I feel even worse when I feel unfit to hang and have a good time. I'm in whatever it is pretty damn fucking deep. I started growing because I couldn't even find anything in the town I live. I have never been this desperate to understand myself and at the same time too shut down to get it!
I'm male but if you know of any ceremonies please pm me. So you isolate a lot but its getting better? I'm sorry for your lossi have a friend that had the same loss. Kudos on getting it out. Did you do it alone? I'm so angry and fed up and sad and delusional at this point that I'm thinking about taking a high dose in the Smokey's and sending myself some sort of radical message. I've had periods of crying like you said. I have a lot in me that's for sure. Thank you for your hope.
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RiverGoddess
~ Goddess ~
Registered: 07/30/16
Posts: 5
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
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Re: Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day. [Re: thesupersoap33]
#23497494 - 08/01/16 01:50 AM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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Oops, my mistake! 
Yes there are definitely the same resources available for men. Both Huachuma ceremonies and mushroom ceremonies. Also co-ed.
Where do you live? (you can PM me if you don't want to say) Are you able to travel?
Do you have even one friend who, with a sincere enough request, might be open minded enough to sit with you?
I wonder if you could post an ad on here looking for someone from your area who is willing to work on healing with mushrooms (either together or as your supporter).
I had someone doing them with me, but once things started to get intense, we went into different parts of the house and had our own separate healing journeys, then reconvened after and shared the comedown.
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thesupersoap33
curious george



Registered: 06/28/16
Posts: 338
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
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Re: Microdosing for PTSD .2 grams every other day. [Re: RiverGoddess]
#23519014 - 08/07/16 01:48 PM (7 years, 5 months ago) |
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sent you a pm river.
I've been having headaches too. After crying or screaming, my depression usually goes away with the shrooms, at least for a few days. I'm dissociated, but I don't feel too aweful, sort of like I'm on a really nice amphetamine the doesn't bite. But the headaches... I don't normally feel ANY physical pain or anything physical at all for the that matter, so maybe this is good?
Maybe things are getting realer because a couple days after, like if I'm coming home from work, I have to get in the fetal position. I couldn't verbalize what I think about or what's running through my head, but it's all very dreadful. Work is taxing because I'm forcing myself to behave a certain way and am not emotionally free maybe? Then I go home.. Oh WAIT I REMEMBERED! I remember thinking how am I ever going to be able to get better if I have to go to work and block it all out for so many hours? and I remember thinking how inhumane work is for someone struggling and about how society doesn't give a shit about people and the people that are closest to me all have traumas of their own. I also remembered when I used to find comfort in it, but now there is this element of choice and I'm wondering where mine is. I'm not choosing because of what abuse did to my behavior. And I'm like, is micro-dosing effective in changing behavior? and then thinking it's fucked up that this can't be overseen because what I'm doing is essentially illegal for reasons that no one really understands other than it's the law.
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