I did a 5 gram trip off of some really potent gold caps powdered mushies yesterday and I really think I experienced ego-death. It was my most intense trip ever. I find it really hard to remember some parts of it, especially the ego-death part so I will try my best to explain it. I remember when it started getting really intense, I kept asking my friend if I was going crazy and if I was gonna stay like this forever. He reminded me that I took mushies about 5 hours ago.
When he told me that, I wasn't able to make any sense of it. I kept repeating "mushies...mushies?" like I forgot I even took it. Then we went into sit in his car because it was getting cold outside. When I got into his car, things started getting way more intense. I had a general feeling of just dying, and I was fading in and out of consciousness. My perception of reality was WAY different. Everything felt foreign and I looked up in the sky and I thought I was in a different world/planet.
I forgot almost everything about myself. I didn't know I had a family. I had no memory of who I was before all this happened and that the moment I was in during the trip was all that matters. I didn't even know I took my car to the park, or that I even had a car. I was just generally confused and lost.
My friend asked me if I could drive home and then I thought to myself "i have a home?" He asked if I knew my way back to my house and I told him I don't know where my house is. It was as if the trip was so intense that it made me more tuned in to the present moment and everything else about myself and my past just dissolved; like my identity from before never even existed.
Then my trip sitter at the time got a little worried so he called one of my other close friend on the phone so he could explain the situation. The trip sitter told my close friend that I took 5 grams and that he needed him to talk me out of the bad trip. While I was talking to my friend on the phone he said I wasn't making any sense. I remember when I talked to him on the phone, I felt really foreign...its really hard to explain now that I'm sober again.
But the best way I could describe it was that when I was talking to my friend on the phone, I felt as though he wasn't a real person. , like he was just a figment of my imagination and that he never even existed. Like my relationship with that friend is somehow not real and its just all part of my imagination and just feeling like everything else is not real.
While I was listening to him on the phone, I think he tried to trip me out by saying something about my brother passing away because he knows I don't get along with my brother. When he said that, I didn't even know I had a brother! But then I believed him and I was convinced that maybe I did have a brother but I never knew who he was or what kind of person he was and then I started thinking "Maybe I don't know who my brother is because he past away a long time ago before I got a chance to get to know him" Like I actually was convinced that I had a brother that I never knew and that he died a long time ago. (my brother is still alive and well of course and i remember who he is now lol) Very scary! Also, I totally forgot everything about my friend. I didn't know his name or that he even had a name and I didn't even know who I was talking to.
Everything was just foreign and alien to me. I was afraid that I was gonna stay like this forever and I remember asking my trip sitter "how can I be certain that this reality is even real? How can I be absolutely certain of anything anymore? NOTHING SEEMS REAL" And then my trip sitter responded by saying "what is real? everything is just an illusion." something along those lines and when he said that, it tripped me out way more because I thought that I was gonna go schizo or something and I actually confused the trip with going insane.
And then out of no where I asked the trip sitter if he was satan, which kinda offended him a little bit lol. I did not know why I ask him that. Pretty much I convinced myself that this altered perception that I was experiencing was gonna stay like that and there was no way out which scared the shit out of me. And then I came to a point where I realize, if I stayed like this forever, it's gonna be okay because I just need to "go with the flow".
When I was in the car on my way home, I did not recognize the streets and the buildings even though I go around the area a lot. Everything looked foreign and different. When I finally got home, I was able to unlock my door and I went into my house. My house didn't look like my house at all. It was as though the house I was in was somebody else's house..like some person I knew a long time ago. But deep down inside I had a feeling like I belonged in this house. Then I started coming back to reality and then slowly I started remembering who I was again and I realized I did mushrooms and that I was still tripping a little bit. Then finally I came to and just went to sleep after.
I would like to know your guys thoughts on this trip. Was this really ego-death? Have anyone ever experienced something similiar? I find it hard to explain or even remember some of the important details of the trip, especially the ego death part.
Edited by onepunchman (07/15/16 08:35 PM)
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Id say its ego death symptoms, ego death is hard to classify
total ego freedom is can be determined beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I do not feel that you achieved that, but ego death symptoms include forgetting about things you know about in every day life.
psychedelics offer more than ego death so I wouldn't focus on that aspect. I think the best way with substances is to be open and let things happen, reflect and observe afterwords (this is the best way to achieve total ego freedom in my experience, and that is much more life changing than a chaotic "who am i" experience.
also maybe solo tripping or smoking dmt can clear some things up for you? trip sitters or any friends around you cloud the experience wether that be for good or for bad (unless they are a good tripsitter who is in the next room just in case you need them to comfort you.)
I also think smoked dmt may be very interesting to you, lower doses or inexerienced users often have strong short lived ego death experiences that prepare you for longer lasting psychedelics. One time I smoked dmt and I happened to think about aliens a little before I did and immediately I got up ran to the mirror and just completely thought I switched bodies with a foolish human who smoked dmt and I just was grabbing my foreign body wondering what was going on.
once you can ride and handle these experiences you will be able to move into higher stages of ego freedom and start to see and understand some really cool properties our universe seems to possess.
either way have a good day.
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