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OfflineChakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT!
    #23439479 - 07/13/16 11:06 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Have you ever had a vividly passionate friendship with someone you're attracted to?
I have this friend and we're really close, we were just spending a whole lot of time together,
and somewhat out of the blue she confesses her feelings to me.
I felt them too, but I was confused because she has a boyfriend. :cookiemonster:
Needless to say, the whole thing was very uncomfortable,
especially because her boyfriend and I ended up staying up all through the night together helping her out of a bind about four nights later. :groove: 

He was so pissed at me, just because my friend and I had gone out together that night and forgotten to invite him. It made the whole thing seem really scandalous and like I was some girlfriend stealing scalawag, or at least that's how he perceived it for a while.

So now time has passed, we've all had those conversations and pretty much smoothed things over,
but here's the catch:

I'm having trouble processing the feelings that my friend and I confessed to each other. This is the third time in my life I've experienced something like this, and it's a little bit more intense each time.
The feelings are all still there, and we talked about how we just want to be friends, but.. damn..
it feels like a harsh world sometimes. I don't want to stress out her boyfriend and her, and really want to do right by them, and so I need to work through these feelings of sorrow and try to be happy. But when I look in her eyes, I see a sorrow too, and it looks so familiar... and it makes me wonder.... really makes me wonder...


anyways, some fresh perspectives would be greatly appreciated!  :sun: :peace:


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Offlinebloodsheen
ChemChaplin
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Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Chakra Shock] * 2
    #23439671 - 07/14/16 12:25 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Ok, i'll try not to turn this into a novel so i'll give you the shortened 'Bro' version

I asked this girl out, she had a boyfriend but she invited me to hang with her friends, I decided to stick around to see if it was just a fling with this guy.

Turned out to be pretty serious, but she and I became friends, and I kinda got inducted into her friend group, it sort of slowly became the center of my life. One night I meet a friend of hers, we hit it off, started dating, blah blah it ended badly and really sucked for me

One night I decided to get my friend super drunk to try to get her to tell me how she felt about the whole relationship her friend and I had. We dated behind her back in a way (in the sense that we just dated without telling her) because at one point she made it pretty clear she didn't want the two of us involved. I just wanted to get her honest opinion, its really hard to get most people to be brutally honest.

Well, long story short it ended up being a really intense evening where our emotions got pretty entangled and precipitated months of very strange, overly intimate contact (nothing like an actual kiss but other stuff that 95% of people would be really uncomfortable with if their partner was involved in), all behind her boyfriend's back

Anyway, the whole thing was basically just a big fucking mess, I honestly didn't even want to date her by that point even though I cared for her deeply. It was very confusing and I think it will probably be a decade before I finally decide what actually happened in all that weirdness

Point being, theres no going back for you and this girl now. If you think you can just maintain a regular friendship you're crazy. Its bad enough when its unrequited love, but mutual love thats hindered by a current relationship?

Fuck that guy, if it were me I would just go for the gusto. That aint no way that some girl I care about comes to me seemingly out of nowhere and tells me she has feelings for me and I'm gonna just be like "Yeah, dats cool, but you gots a man now so you best step off."  ...Just no way


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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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Offlineyeah
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Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 3,729
Last seen: 1 month, 22 days
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Chakra Shock]
    #23440316 - 07/14/16 09:14 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

dude if she's your soul mate and you let her go because you care what some guy thinks then I don't know what to tell you


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OfflineChakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: yeah]
    #23440419 - 07/14/16 10:06 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Well, we play music together too, and I can get a lot of my feelings expressed to her via that medium. I think I'm just going to play it cool, not because I care what her boyfriend thinks, but because I think she actually wants to try in that relationship... kind of phrased it to me like she "owes it to him" to try. She sort of did this same thing the first time they dated, where she just ran away eventually, and now it would be like a flashback if she did that with me.

So there's that, she feels like she needs to try in her current relationship, and I think she would judge herself harshly for not doing so. Therefore, if I really push my feelings rather than keeping them more to myself it would cause her a world of trouble.


Do you really think there's no going back?
I'll just have to write some really beautiful melodies for her and I to play together, stuff where when you play it together you can't help but feel the love.

I don't want to see this thing slip away, but I also don't want to tamper with her life when she feels like she knows what she's gotta do.


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Offlineyeah
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Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Chakra Shock]
    #23440955 - 07/14/16 01:49 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I feel like your idea or way of going about is perfect because you will bond with her while she has the experience that she desires and needs to have...

it will be tough to see her marry the guy if you love her, but for now you can share the music and your love with her


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InvisibleRepertoire89
Cat
Male


Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Chakra Shock]
    #23441281 - 07/14/16 04:22 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Chakra Shock said:

kind of phrased it to me like she "owes it to him" to try.




That sounds exciting...

If that phrase describes this situation in a word, I would go for it.
"Are you sure about this, I love you baby, blah blah blah."
If I get shut down, cut off contact to maintain sanity and not step on their toes.

Normally I don't think you should do something like this, but if you're really in love or whatever, then I think its fine to make a verbal proposition.

Making a proposition is honest and straightforward, in contrast to hanging around passively aggressively undermining someone's relationship.


Just my opinion  :shrug:


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OfflineStill_tripping
Lord yes!


Registered: 10/07/15
Posts: 747
Loc: A small hot country
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Repertoire89]
    #23443801 - 07/15/16 12:18 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

You've got 3 and you need 2. One of you has got to go, now all you have to do is figure out which one. I'd suggest you think about it a lot and determine what your true feelings are and act accordingly.


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Still_tripping]
    #23444784 - 07/15/16 06:02 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Still_tripping said:
You've got 3 and you need 2. One of you has got to go, now all you have to do is figure out which one. I'd suggest you think about it a lot and determine what your true feelings are and act accordingly.



Very succinctly put

Seriously OP, your friendship with her is over. It might end with you giving her a good old fashioned plowing or it could end in some weird, assholish, awkward way like it did with me. I made a rule for myself because of her, if I talk to a girl and I am even remotely emotionally interested in her, we can never be friends. It will just not work out.

I think about the day I asked her out and she told me she had a bf but we could hang out sometime. That one day changed the course of my entire life, sometimes I wonder if I'd have been better off never having met her

But OP you seem like a glutton for punishment, I have a feeling you're gonna end up taking the most painful route possible. You don't seem to be the type to cut people off even when its in both of your best interests. I know it doesn't seem like it now but her confessing her feelings for you was like the biggest cunt move ever. Its like when somebody says "I have a secret but I really can't tell you." Oh, really, well thanks for fucking peaking my curiosity only to blue-ball me


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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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OfflineChakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: bloodsheen]
    #23450488 - 07/17/16 04:54 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think a lot of what you're saying is true, about the tension and the way that things can't continue in the way that they are or go back to how it was, I just hope it can all come to a better resolution than someone winding up hurt, that someone most likely being me.

I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and try not to have any expectations. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her, regardless of relationship statuses and what not, so I see that as simply a boon in my life, not something to lament over.

Basically y'all just lit a fire under my ass to prepare for the worst, and just detach from the whole thing other than in a general sort of good will :rofl:


Edited by Chakra Shock (07/17/16 05:06 PM)


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InvisibleRepertoire89
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Male


Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Chakra Shock]
    #23450604 - 07/17/16 05:35 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Well, my stance is to take a shot at her if you're actually that into her.

I'm about to trade one job for a better one

Would definitely trade a lackluster relationship for something real


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OfflineCurious Shroomer
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Registered: 05/19/16
Posts: 118
Loc: Germany
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Repertoire89]
    #23454740 - 07/19/16 12:00 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Had a similar Situation but i "walked away" from it. The Girlfriend of a Friend told me she has some feeling for me, so i stopped hanging out with them for a while and spent more time with other Friends. Explained it to him after they broke up and he was kinda angry at first but calmed down fast. Told me later he was more angry that i stopped hanging out with him cause of her since he basically thinks "Bros before hoes".

Afterwards i always kept a certain "Distance" to Women that i knew were in a relationship when i was single to avoid the possibility of these things happening.
It just is against my code of honor, as weird as it sounds, im not doing that to someon since i know how it feels to have it happen to you. Especially if it is a Friend...


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OfflineChakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Curious Shroomer]
    #23456095 - 07/19/16 12:36 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

that seems like a safe way to approach it, but also quite limiting. I don't think of people based off of the category of their relationship statuses. If I want to spend time with someone, and they want to spend time with me, then let's hang out: that's just how I am. I would rather make a connection with someone when it seems meaningful rather than avoiding it altogether. It's important for us to come together, boyfriend / girlfriend stuff shouldn't get in the way of that. 

It seems like the whole situation is just cooling off anyhow. Feelings were expressed, but we both have a big enough scope to see the whole picture and we don't want to mess up a good situation. Maybe some day we'll be in the right place at the right time for a relationship, but for now it's best that we just stay friends and enjoy the ride.

If anything worth mentioning happens I'll post an update!


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OfflineCurious Shroomer
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Registered: 05/19/16
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Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Chakra Shock]
    #23458084 - 07/19/16 11:39 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Yea thats trues...i have some really close Female Friends that are in a Relationship...but im 100% sure that there will be no Romance involved with them ever..neither from my Side nor Theirs :tongue:

I know that if a Partner falls for someone else, the Relationship most likely had no real Future either Way...i just never wanted to be the Reason due to knowing how shitty it feels to have your Partner "taken away".

These Days i dont really care since i found the Partner that i wanna spend the Rest of my Life with so i dont see other Women as Potential Partners anymore.


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OfflineChakra Shock
Waxing Prophetic


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 2,514
Loc: The Enterprise
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Strike three!!! Yerrrr OUT! [Re: Curious Shroomer]
    #23458650 - 07/20/16 07:11 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Sounds beautiful, man, I'm happy for ya!

Now your stance on it makes more sense to me, I wouldn't want to be the reason for someone else's pain either. That just makes shouldering this heartache that much more difficult though, releasing all desire. Disillusionment is tough sometimes :happyheart: Always pays off though!! :nyan:


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