|
GoldenEye
...



Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 4,340
Loc: Amsterdam
Last seen: 6 months, 19 days
|
Debt & relationships
#23414388 - 07/05/16 05:02 PM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
I haven't posted on the Shroomery in forever but I somehow felt drawn to seek some advice from old friends...
I'm a 29 yo male with a new (24 yo) girlfriend (4 months now) and a debt of about 10 grand (for Dutch standards it's quite a bit of money, it is not common to take student loans or anything as education is affordable).
The girlfriend has a steady job, never had any debt and she even has some savings.
I work as a freelancer so making regular payments is hard.
My girl loses sleep over my financial situation but I can see improvement. Since meeting her I've contacted my creditors, I've started working more, I've found new clients and I've been keeping my administration up to date. At this pace, I'll be debt free within a year.
Today however, she said she is extremely worried and stressed. She loses sleep and sexual attraction over this situation. I feel I'm on the right track however and I kind of resent her for not acknowledging that.
Friction, friction, friction.
Anyone here got some advice on dealing with debt situations in relationships?
Cheers!
|
memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
|
Re: Debt & relationships [Re: GoldenEye] 2
#23414508 - 07/05/16 05:38 PM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
Hey brother.
I can understand how that kind of financial burden would stress someone (especially in a society that is not preconditioned to debt like it is here in the US [I left school with 33k of student loan, and 10k of parental debt]). But how serious are you guys? Unless you're in the position where you're considering making lifelong commitments, and devoting 100% of your time and financial resources to one another, I dont see why she should [rationally] get upset - as you're clearly aware of the situation and have a clear and defined path for resolution.
I think the fine-line for you to walk her is to downplay the situation (as it's completely manageable), while not downplaying it to the extent that she thinks you're nonchalantly approaching the debt. It's a tough balance but I know that you can manage it.
In the end, if she's not mature enough to handle that kind of real-life financial situation (again, shes' 24. not quite "worldly" with experience yet. although i don't know her at all - i'm generalizing) then remind her of how much you care for her, and let her know that you're going to come a-knockin the second you're out of the red. because at the end of the day, you shouldn't be made to feel you're less than worthy - just because someone else can't stomach your situation as well as you. unless she's co-signing your loans, should be no skin off her teeth. I get that it's not that easy to detach yourself from a thoughtstream - especially an unorthodox one [for Dutch standards].
I think this is just one of those things that tests steel: it'll either be tempered or it'll break. but at the end of the day, the debt exists, you're handling it, and her faith in you should supersede her concern over negative fiscal outcomes.
YOu know me. That's my take.
now for:
_______________
I just read your post to my girlfriend, then i read my response. This is her words in response to us both:
"I dont' see why she should get all worked up about it."
this was followed by about 3 more minutes of analysis. then she asked how serious you guys were (it was a long read, had forgotten) and when i reiterated 4mo; she exhaled strongly as the seriousness of the situation was less intense. @4mo she definitely shouldn't be stressed to this extent.
see you @ boomland
|
GoldenEye
...



Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 4,340
Loc: Amsterdam
Last seen: 6 months, 19 days
|
Re: Debt & relationships [Re: memes] 1
#23414638 - 07/05/16 06:13 PM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
How happy I am that you're the one I get to hear from first memes 
We're not getting married anytime soon (I hope) but it does feel damn awesome when we are together. So yeah, it's not super commital but, I would call it a serious love.
Here's how I handled it so far:
I first of told her that it causes me pain to see her stress about it. We then had a long chat about all the touchy feely stuff involved with this issue and came to the conclusion that it's ultimately her decision if she can deal with it, and my responsibility to take care of it and communicate about it.
At the same time I told her that if she decides it's worth her time to stick around that she should only complain if I won't talk to her about it openly anymore, or if the situation is getting worse. Not when its actually improving!
I feel pretty good about the way we talked about it and if she can't handle this minor problem (come on, it'll be over soon), then maybe our world views are a bit too different.
It's funny you mention Boom because that's what triggered this whole conversation... I mentioned I would probably go regardless of the debt and she kind of lost it. "A stupid festival while you don't even have any 'real' money". I have been on the fence about going for a while now. I think I won't decide until the last moment as I get assignments on very short notice. If I can work a lot during Boom, I'll stay here and work. Otherwise, I'll probably go and watch my budget closely
|
memes
Blessed



Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 27,785
Loc: In a Tree
|
Re: Debt & relationships [Re: GoldenEye]
#23414989 - 07/05/16 08:09 PM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
totally understandable. i can definitely relate on the whole "you're doing XYZ while having negative money?!?" Not so much anyone in my life saying that, but definitely me saying to myself as I do all this shit i'm always into.
But in the end, if the debt is being systematically paid off, with a plan, then it's not worth it to me to completely forego life in the interim. seems like you two are handling it swimmingly and that the right conversations have been had, to the desired effect. just keep her updated regularly and i think it'll calm her nerves.
edit: i never mentioned it in my reply, but i'm 29 and my gf is 24; i have debt (~$25k now) she has savings
|
ch1ck3n.s0up
Troubled Loner



Registered: 10/03/08
Posts: 2,573
Loc: Hunting Fungi
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
|
Re: Debt & relationships [Re: GoldenEye]
#23416308 - 07/06/16 08:40 AM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
I think that this is the first big test of your relatively new relationship. (Perhaps this belongs in Sexuality and Relationships Forum?) Anyway...
Quote:
GoldenEye said: Today however, she said she is extremely worried and stressed. She loses sleep and sexual attraction over this situation.
If she's that stressed about 10K in debt (which, in the big picture, is really not that much), how is she going to react when you've got a $250K mortgage? If you have to miss a car payment? If you lose your job? Is she going to deride you as a loser? Is she going to withdraw sexually? Is she going to start henpecking you? Find a boyfriend without debt? Are you going to end up drinking down at the bar with all the other guys who can't stand being at home?
Here your relatively new g/f is showing her true colors. I'm not saying either of you are right or wrong; I'm saying that this is an opportunity for you and her to discuss financial issues.
*** It's not about the 10K, it's about how that 10K of debt affects your relationship. ***
If your relationship deepens, and you end up getting engaged/married, the financial stress doesn't get better. It gets worse. Much worse, especially if you have kids. It's really a question about how she deals with financial stress. From your post, she seems to let it really get to her, and affect your relationship.
Quote:
GoldenEye said: I feel I'm on the right track however and I kind of resent her for not acknowledging that.
I would feel the same way.
Financial issues are the leading cause of divorce. They need to be taken seriously. If you plan to have a real relationship with this woman, then I would advise you to sit down and have a real talk about this. It's sort of an ominous sign.
Perhaps even meet with a counselor, together, for a session or two. It sounds to me like you have been reasonably open and honest about your financial situation.
This of course assumes that you want a real relationship with her. If she's just a fling or a lover, than, well... whatever.
-------------------- "Inspiration ~ Move me brightly ~ light the song with sense and color ~ hold away despair ~ more than this I will not ask ~ faced with mysteries dark and vast ~ statements just seem vain at last" --Jerry Garcia, Terrapin Station "Officer, I'm going to remain silent, and I would like to speak with a lawyer. I'm not resisting, but I don't consent to any searches.
Edited by ch1ck3n.s0up (07/06/16 09:10 AM)
|
GoldenEye
...



Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 4,340
Loc: Amsterdam
Last seen: 6 months, 19 days
|
|
Cheers Chicken, nice input.
I think it's not so much the debt itself. It's more the different ways we think about it. She sees trouble around every corner. Not just in finance but in every aspect of life. She deals with an anxiety disorder and is a bit like her mum, envisioning doom scenarios all the time. I have a bit more faith. It probably comes across as nonchalance to her.
So memes advice was rather on point. I should walk the fine line of downplaying the situation without risking apparent indifference. I know now how easy it is for her to see trouble so I need to be aware that that line is at a very different end of the spectrum for her than it is for me.
At the very least It's a pretty good way to get to know eachother a bit better
|
ch1ck3n.s0up
Troubled Loner



Registered: 10/03/08
Posts: 2,573
Loc: Hunting Fungi
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
|
Re: Debt & relationships [Re: GoldenEye]
#23416944 - 07/06/16 01:21 PM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
"Do you know what Fear and Faith have in common? A future that hasn’t happened yet. Fear believes in a negative future. Faith believes in a positive future. Both believe in something that has not yet happened. So I ask you, ..if neither the positive or negative future has happened yet then why not choose to believe in the positive future? What do you have to lose but the fear that is sabotaging your joy and success?" http://www.jongordon.com/blog/fear-or-faith/
-------------------- "Inspiration ~ Move me brightly ~ light the song with sense and color ~ hold away despair ~ more than this I will not ask ~ faced with mysteries dark and vast ~ statements just seem vain at last" --Jerry Garcia, Terrapin Station "Officer, I'm going to remain silent, and I would like to speak with a lawyer. I'm not resisting, but I don't consent to any searches.
|
badchad
Mad Scientist

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 13,372
|
|
Quote:
ch1ck3n.s0up said:
Financial issues are the leading cause of divorce. They need to be taken seriously. If you plan to have a real relationship with this woman, then I would advise you to sit down and have a real talk about this. It's sort of an ominous sign.
I think this is spot on. We need to face the harsh reality that money matters.
Money adds a lot of security to life. It pays for the roof over your head, bills, food, medical bills, etc. So for many people, a lack of money is cause for concern, especially as you age.
-------------------- ...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge. It is an indellible experience; it is forever known. I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did. Smith, P. Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27. ...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely. Osmond, H. Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436
|
ch1ck3n.s0up
Troubled Loner



Registered: 10/03/08
Posts: 2,573
Loc: Hunting Fungi
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
|
Re: Debt & relationships [Re: badchad]
#23421302 - 07/07/16 07:46 PM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
badchad said:
Quote:
ch1ck3n.s0up said:
Financial issues are the leading cause of divorce. They need to be taken seriously. If you plan to have a real relationship with this woman, then I would advise you to sit down and have a real talk about this. It's sort of an ominous sign.
I think this is spot on. We need to face the harsh reality that money matters.
Money adds a lot of security to life. It pays for the roof over your head, bills, food, medical bills, etc. So for many people, a lack of money is cause for concern, especially as you age.
-------------------- "Inspiration ~ Move me brightly ~ light the song with sense and color ~ hold away despair ~ more than this I will not ask ~ faced with mysteries dark and vast ~ statements just seem vain at last" --Jerry Garcia, Terrapin Station "Officer, I'm going to remain silent, and I would like to speak with a lawyer. I'm not resisting, but I don't consent to any searches.
|
Mojo
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/07
Posts: 1,676
|
|
I didn't read any other replies so sorry if this is a repeat.
Having a game plan that says you can likely be debt free in one year is AWESOME!! I don't know what the custom is where you are from, but many many Americans are in debt their entire adult life! So good on you for taking steps to improve your situation.
With such a good "game plan" I wonder if there are problems somewhere else in the relationship, maybe something that is harder to talk about so she diverts to your debt. I'd try to open her up on this one. Particularly how she views the idea of being debt free in one year as unsatisfactory somehow...
Beyond that, your debt is actually a very manageable sum.
|
LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,363
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 2 hours, 3 minutes
|
Re: Debt & relationships [Re: GoldenEye]
#23431493 - 07/11/16 08:08 AM (7 years, 6 months ago) |
|
|
My advice is to convince her that u truely want to be debt free and are willing to work hard to meet that goal. Show her you are committed to a plan and follow thru with that plan.
Since its a new relationship, shes not gunna have a lot of trust in you yet since you are still getting to know each other.
Also, never ask her for money or be a finanical burden to her at all costs! That will be unwanted stress on her. Keep your debt away from her money, and tell her to give you a chance to prove that you want to get rid of your debt.
However, paying off 10k of debt in one year sounds to good to be true. Are u sure thats a realistic goal?
-------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏
  Oregon Eclipse Festival 2017 :: Aug 19th - 21st :: Pure Paradise   Very Effective LSA Extraction Tek | 💧 Advanced Cold Water LSA Extraction Method 💧 |  Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana | DMT Dab Bongs | UFO Technology! Shpongle
     
|
Murzelpfrumpft
pet donkey in a lucid dream

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1,855
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
|
|
As I feel like the most important things have been said, I just wanted to share how some recent bad choices and luck got me into a short period of debt. The impact on my 9-year relationship was intensely bad, more than I ever expected it to be. I could sense how my also 25 year old partner was influenced in similar negative ways, causing fights to start much easier and even damaging our sexuality.
This is serious shit and as a mental health professional I can tell you that women are wired to care about those issues more and with a higher intensity of discomfort. While to men attractivity barely means more than looks, variables like wealth give a rise to attractivity sensed by women that can be quantified between 10-50% of total attractivity of the male in question.
I could tell she started mentally comparing me to financially more successful men and start to think less of me. That's not a flaw in her character but rather how women need to be in order to procreate effieciently.
It gave me a lesson.
|
|