Just a warning it might be pretty long haha. Anyway i'll start off with some background information. Im currently 19 I'm from NJ, and I live a pretty normal life except for one area of my life that has cause me great distress- my stepmom. I currently have no friends, no social life, no nothing because this problem has taken over my whole life. Most of the time the stereotypical problem is the bad stepmother who treats her stepson horribly, etc. Except my problem is the opposite, my stepmom doesn't love me enough.
I want her everything, her time, her love, her affection, everything.. It all started when my dad married her, about 3 years ago something like that. She was just perfect, she was nice and caring. She would give me time and attention and made me feel great. I started to build feelings for her. I wanted her to basically be my mom. I wanted to always protect her and take care of her. I wanted to always be around her and listen and talk to her. But she started to give me less time and it seemed like she only cared about her real son and my dad now. It hurt, and trust me it hurt like hell. Never in my life have I ever felt this much pain in my heart, over some random ass lady. She can be so dumb and mean sometimes, but I feel as if I am always connected to her for the rest of my life. I started to ignore her and treat her badly to get her attention, I would rather get her negative attention that no attention from her at all.
The way iv'e talked to her and degraded her is unbelievable. My life has always been 50/50. Some days I talk to her other days I ignore her. But this year, oh this year has been complete hell. First off, my idiot self started to grow more than motherly feelings for her. I feel in love with her. Now I don't know if the feelings are real or not. But they feel real. Iv'e been having a lot of dreams of her just me and her, sometimes sexual. I decided to tell her that I felt something more than motherly love for her, and she told my father (huge headache). We had a discussion and it was done with. The thing that bothers me is that she doesn't try to stay away all the time. Sometimes she rubs up on me, or does things that really make me think the feelings are mutual. I don't know if it's my head or maybe I'm right. Literally my whole life is deciding and trying to interpret so many damn signs. My stepmom is a cold person by nature, so you never know if she cares about you or not. The one thing I need the most right now, assurance and affection. Are the things that she never gives. She says she loves me and cares about me but I never see it in a physical way. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Iv'e been feeling suicidal sometimes, but sometimes im happy. I just want her love, actually I'm not sure what I want but I do know that I want her to be part of my life. I just have no idea what to do anymore. I want her to be affectionate but I know I can't change her. I can't see myself getting over her either. I just wish she would either go up to me and tell me she hates me so I would be forced to hate her back and not feel pain anymore. Even when she touches me I lose the feeling in my stomach and it empties up. Her touch is intoxicating. Mind you, she's not the sexiest or most attractive girl ever, and I could do so, so, so much better than a almost 40yr old. But everything about her is perfect to me.
Maybe im infatuated? Im not sure, any advice, similar stories, anything to help me get through this would help. Thank you to everyone who took some time out of their days to read this.
-------------------- Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it?
Edited by NateBadass (06/29/16 10:31 PM)
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