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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


Registered: 09/08/14
Posts: 3,186
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Borderline Personality Disorder
#23364666 - 06/20/16 06:36 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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So anyways.. after learning of this diagnosis some months ago I haven't really told people in my real life what's going on. But everyone knows i'm fucked up and need help. I destroy every single relationship. I couldn't figure out why this was happening but now I know.
Now when it comes to women, I ABSOLUTELY feel I must have one at all times or I feel so alone, depressed, angry. I'm searching around the clock for the woman to meet my needs. I spend hours on tinder, i'm hitting up girls on facebook, at work i'm trying to get as many numbers as possible. It is common for this with people with my diagnosis. But i'm a very severe case with almost no hope of recovery.
I'm starting to get really desperate now. Girls are picking that shit up too. I stopped doing that before, but ever since I fucked that married woman and fell in love, it's been 6 months since I last had sex and now I think about it more than I ever have and am trying to get it asap before I go crazy. But it's not only that. That married woman showed me true affection, at least I thought. And it felt really good to experience that. Now I spend my days cursing God and wondering why I am still single at 27 with no kids when all I wanna do is experience fatherhood. Financially I am becoming okay. But mentally I am FUBAR.. And this new girl after a month of getting to know each other just figured how crazy delusional and insane I can get. I spilled the beans last night about my issue now she seems really hesitant to answer any of my messages at all. I cannot be patient much longer for someone to wife. I feel like my life depends on it and without I will surely die.
I know this isn't good right now. I know I should focus on getting better but I see everyone getting married and relationships and it makes me wanna go hang myself. Because why am I condemned to be alone like this... I have a fear of being alone and a fear of dying alone and I swear if that happens I wanna go to hell because I couldn't even begin to comprehend spending eternity with a God who would keep me alone like this.. i'm fucked up.. I need help.. Going to see an emergency doctor thursday.. what should I do?
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JustForToday] 1
#23365015 - 06/20/16 08:46 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Sounds like you have way more going on than just personality/relationship issues. It sounds like you have religious guilt that needs to be addressed.
In the 2nd to last sentence of the third paragraph, you use "wife" as a verb (quote: "for someone to wife")
yea. you act as is marriage is the end-all, be-all. you admit you have dependency issues yet have a strong desire to have/raise children.
i have no idea what advice to offer beyond further self-examination of your desire/intentions and how you use language and look at people (seemingly as possessions instead of individual entities with their own thoughts and feelings)
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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JohnnieYen
Okay



Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JustForToday] 1
#23366286 - 06/21/16 09:31 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Only YOU can be the reason for your happiness and contentment. No wife or child will fill the void if you don't love yourself first. Don't be in a rush to get married and have kids. You are not ready
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



Registered: 10/09/10
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JohnnieYen]
#23366384 - 06/21/16 09:59 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Damn dude. Good thing you have the common sense to go see that doctor ASAP. It shows that you haven't loss your sense of judgement. Plus it shows you're capable of introspection. You're not as far gone as you think OP. At least not based on what you wrote down. If things were really FUBAR in your head, you wouldn't be able to write this kind of post.
Also this fatherhood and relationship thing. Facebook is horrible for that. All you see are the peeps in relationships seemly happy, but what you don't see is all the single people not posting that they are single. You are not alone by a long shot on this so chill out dude. Plus you're a guy. You can have kids at 95 years old if you want. We don't come with a clock. You're 27. Live your life man. Don't worry so much. Maybe you have anxiety issues. You definitely have an affection dependency but you know, 90% of the people on this website are addicted to something.
Go see the doc. Keep hope.
Also this borderline personality bullshit, trust me, you're not. These people do not seek relationship, they do not seek fatherhood, they do not seek treatment and they are incapable of introspection.
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404
error


Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: Patlal] 2
#23367676 - 06/21/16 05:50 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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You need DBT or cognitive behavioral therapy, dude. What you don't need to be happy, is a relationship. You are envying your friends in them, and it's not uncommon for most people... lots of people just want a life partner.
Get well first, then work on your relationships with people, likely these two things will come together though as your problem is not only an inherited disease, it also has real social consequences.
I'd post a whole lot of information regarding your brain and various studies that will help you learn what's going on... but you have me on ignore. Furthermore, I don't think having everyone on ignore is helping you one bit.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JustForToday]
#23367814 - 06/21/16 06:31 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
4 said: You need DBT or cognitive behavioral therapy, dude. What you don't need to be happy, is a relationship. You are envying your friends in them, and it's not uncommon for most people... lots of people just want a life partner.
Get well first, then work on your relationships with people
Seconded on the recommendation to look at DBT. AFAIK, it has the highest success rate at treating BPD.
Quote:
Patlal said: Also this borderline personality bullshit, trust me, you're not. These people do not seek relationship, they do not seek fatherhood, they do not seek treatment and they are incapable of introspection.
Sorry Patlal, nothing personal but I gotta call BS on this. I know two people extremely well who have this condition and I've absolutely no idea where you got those ideas from but they have no basis in reality. Perhaps youknow/have known ONE person with BPD that was so inclined, but for many it is the complete opposite. Look at our man JFT and how he worded the OP - he's dying for relationship.
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JustForToday said: Now when it comes to women, I ABSOLUTELY feel I must have one at all times or I feel so alone, depressed, angry. ~ what should I do?
What you should do IMO JFT, is quash this 'I must have [a woman]' shit. That's like pushing your own self destruct button. You're just gonna drive women away and yourself insane with depression.
Above all, you need to work on you, work on getting to the heart of where all this stems from (99% it's childhood). You have a long path and a hard fight to recovery; believe me, I've seen it. But the answer, the goal only lies inside yourself. You almost certainly need professional help to dig down and find it.
As you've already said, you're only gonna fuck up any relationship that comes your way. And doing so to a child would be the very essence of immorality, so please strike that one off until you've done the work on you.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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koods
Ribbit



Registered: 05/26/11
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Loc: Maryland/DC Burbs
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Why do you think 27 is too late for marriage. The average age men get married at is 29.
I definitely think religion has fucked with your head OP. Don't let a 3000 year old book dictate how you should live.
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NotSheekle said “if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”
Edited by koods (06/21/16 11:33 PM)
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: koods]
#23369005 - 06/22/16 04:03 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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I'm a fellow sufferer of BPD, diagnosed, went to years of therapy and starting pyschotherapy, and have recently managed to gain back some control of my life. I've read your post and it's exactly what happens to me as well only I don't go out of my way to look for women cause I have learned to deal with my loneliness
I will write you some advice when I get back cause I'm about to miss my bus
YOU'RE NOT ALONE 
EDIT;
Hey man I am back. Listen first of all you should tell people of your condition, there is nothing to be ashamed off. Everyone is fucked up in way or another, those that appear ''normal'' are just not aware but the majority is everyone is fucked up. The point of you talking to people about it is to make you comfortable with the subject. You should not feel as if you're missing something than anyone else cause you're not but I know how it gets, it's one extreme mood than the other, one moment you think things are going right than the slightest thing just 360s our entire emotional state. You will also be surprised on how many people will be understanding if you just take the time to explain it to them, typically close friends and family, whom you trust or are important to you
Secondly you need to find the tipping point of your snow balling effect. You need to be aware of what triggers your extreme emotions and impulsive actions. This whole relationship ordeal and getting with girls, I can pretty much guess that it's just one small thought of you thinking you'll end up alone and that's where it starts. The thought will continue rolling around your mind until it's too big to ignore and eventually make impulsive decisions. You need to realise that these thoughts are irrational and illogical but most importantly, you need to be comfortable with yourself. Think about it, if you are unable to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself than how on earth can you think that you're able to love another? I think you should calm down from this whole ''I must be in a relationship'' nonsense. You're not giving yourself time to grow, introspect, analyze and assess your life in a clear way. I can pretty much guarantee you that your relationships will continue to fail unless you find a way to silence this irrational thought and just learn to be. Women will come eventually but for now you should think of your needs, mental needs and development.
Believe me man I've driven every woman/girlfriend I had away, even recently my ex put up 4years with me, I did not fix myself and she had enough and left. Partial of these reasons was because of BPD and partial was of bad behaviour techniques I picked up from my abusive father. I always gave them reasons to leave because I acted on irrational and illogical thoughts. They come at you, one after another until you do stupid shit. I also have thoughts of father hood and one day I will raise a little blonde girl and name her Poppy but you have to realise that these things will eventually come and until they do, you need to be the best. If anything, keep it in your mind, the goal, for motivation and learn to improve yourself physically, emotionally and mentally so you can be a good father one day
BUT YOUR LIFE DOES NOT DEPEND ON IT. YOU DEPEND ON YOU. AT THE END OF THE DAY THERE IS YOURSELF AS COMPANY. GET TO KNOW HIM. ENJOY HIM. BE COMFORTABLE WITH YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY
Also what's the fucking rush man? You think life is just one long checklist and if you complete it you'll be happy? Cause it isn't and get rid of that checklist. Whatever your friends are doing, that's their choice and their story. Stop comparing yourself to others. You can't compare yourself to others. Your story, journey, life, is unique, has its own pace and it's own teachings. Again you are nothing lesser just because you are single at 27 with no kids. I'm 25, my gf just left me and only recently have I realised, after having my heart ripped to shit 3 times, on the shit that I still need to fix and only now I started to feel like I have some control. Even the fact that I am aware, it gives me control. I know that feeling of being left behind, I felt like that and sometimes still do but again, what's the damn rush.
Lastly man get professional help and work through this through a series of pyschological exercises. There is nothing wrong with seeking help and trying to improve yourself
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
Edited by Rosen_Rot (06/22/16 01:52 PM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: Rosen_Rot]
#23369016 - 06/22/16 04:17 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rosen_Rot said: YOU'RE NOT ALONE 
That, right there, is the shit. That's it man. You can feel it in those words. Compassion. Kindness. A bit of time and respect for your fellow human.
If it wasn't for the fact that I feel that's what lies down deep inside us all somewhere, even in the most damaged individuals, I'd have offed myself a long time ago. That's the stuff that makes life worth living.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
Last seen: 11 months, 22 days
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Yes I also think that deep down inside everybody just wants to connect. Everybody just wants to have someone that they care about and that they also care about them. I think our entire desire for love is just that drive to connect to a fellow human.
I find the greek mythology on how humans were created, separated and forever searching for their other half, explains greatly metaphorically our purpose in life
I also have thoughts of offing myself. I have plans, diagrams and places marked for where I would do it but so far I've always found a reason to live and 9/10 times its because I want to feel connected again
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


Registered: 09/08/14
Posts: 3,186
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: Rosen_Rot]
#23370104 - 06/22/16 02:21 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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I see. But often times I feel there is no hope and can never predict my extreme mood swings. As people can tell on here, i'm calm and peaceful than one post later mr hyde comes out and honestly idk why that happens or what sets me off.
The girl I was just interested in an talking to. I just cut it off. I blew up on her because she kept ignoring all my texts. This bitch, after 5 weeks of knowing her, asks me for 290 dollars for a passport which I was going to pay. But yet she doesn't give me the time of fucking day. I black holed her just like I did with the married women. As soon as I did this, I text this other girl I know from work to instantly replace the one I just ditched.
My thought process is, if I have the girl and she cares of me, TRULY CARES, I will have peace and be okay.
Because right now I need that. I can't get that in a friend. I need companionship. Like I had with the married woman and when I was with her all of my mental shit and problems went away. I mean truly went away so that's why i'm thinking I need to get married to fix this problem.
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JustForToday]
#23370212 - 06/22/16 02:57 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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I think what i'm going to do is start a journal on here. Document everyday about what happens in my life and what goes on in my mind.
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JustForToday]
#23370261 - 06/22/16 03:15 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
JustForToday said: Because right now I need that. I can't get that in a friend. I need companionship. Like I had with the married woman and when I was with her all of my mental shit and problems went away. I mean truly went away so that's why i'm thinking I need to get married to fix this problem.
No, you don't need that. You're just gonna hurt someone in the long run if you stay fixated on this. And you're gonna do nothing to fix yourself. I've been there on the receiving end of this and it's fucking horrible.
Stop being so bloody lazy and selfish and think about how much you're gonna hurt others with this attitude. Yeah you might hide your illness for a couple of years with someone new but it WILL come out and hurt them eventually. It's not on man. You got some heavy stuff there to be fixed. It's irresponsible in the extreme to find another person who will make you feel better temporarily but who you will fuck up in the long run rather than to focus on working on yourself.
Please, for the sake of all this is good, drop this obsession with finding 'someone' until you've started to delve into yourself.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Starstepper
AI Brobot



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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JustForToday]
#23370266 - 06/22/16 03:16 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Ya buddy you are not alone. Mental illness awareness is making a huge impact and you'll be surprised on how much support you receive if you tell the people who really care about you.
Looking at your AA avatar it looks like you don't drink and that is good going forward. I have BPD and a strict diet has helped me a lot. No sugar was the biggest change for me. I feel like it balanced my brain chemistry in a major way.
No pill, girlfriend, wife or having a kid will fix BPD. You have to sack up and work hard to manage it. Find your "thing" in exercise if you don't already have one. Doesn't matter whether it is spin class, lifting, running or whatever you like or can maintain going forward even if it's just hiking around. All these healthy things will add up, build confidence and eventually girls will follow. It won't happen over night.
You have to look at getting diagnosed with BPD as being chosen to deal with something hard because you are a strong enough person to shoulder this burden and keep moving forward to the goal of happiness. If you can't make yourself happy then you can't make a woman happy and they can sniff that shit out a mile away.
If you are that lonely maybe start off with a dog. I suggest a pug.
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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


Registered: 09/08/14
Posts: 3,186
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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I am impatient. I will see a doctor tomorrow first thing. BTW I just started my first journal entry. I will document my days as I live them and what goes through my mind.
I need hope because I don't have any right now. I feel like I am doomed to live this earthly hell forever and even praying to God with all my might for Him to kill me and take me never works anyways..
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder [Re: JustForToday]
#23372097 - 06/23/16 12:55 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
JustForToday said: I think what i'm going to do is start a journal on here. Document everyday about what happens in my life and what goes on in my mind.
If you're going to start a journal why don't you start a reflective journal?
I use Gibb's reflective cycle whenever I have mood swings and it really does help me in assessing my situations and which ticks and tocks I should be aware off

Quote:
My thought process is, if I have the girl and she cares of me, TRULY CARES, I will have peace and be okay.
That's great mate. I want a momdom who can take care of her little boy's needs. It's what would make my heart peaceful but I don't have it yet and it's okay and I will still live, do great things and develop myself cause in the end I need to make myself happy cause NO ONE IS GOING TO DO IT FOR ME
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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