|
Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
|
How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help)
#23353132 - 06/17/16 12:02 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
I watched my wife do so over the course of a year, and now I’m having to sit by as my brothers fiancé is doing the same, and it’s fucking killing me. Like watching the whole thing on repeat, only this time through my brothers eyes. There’s a lot of similarities between the two women in question (they look strikingly similar and share very similar tastes, emotional proclivities and outlooks – even to the point they were wearing the exact same pair of shoes the first time they met) and it concerns me that my brother is gonna end up dealing with suicide attempts like I did. He’s five years younger than me and a lot more emotionally immature, and I don’t know if he has the strength of mind to deal with this and not go under himself. It very nearly destroyed me, and having known him all my life I feel concerned that it would destroy him; he has so few of the coping mechanisms I have.
The chain of events that caused both my wife and his fiancé to go downhill is also strikingly similar. Both involve abusive parents, a propensity for (what I am almost sure is clinical, rather than situational) depression, the death/loss of loved ones, loss of job, then further depression eventuating in self-harming behaviour, and for my wife, suicide attempts under the influence of alcoholism. I worry that this last is just around the corner for my brother and his fiancé and it’s a fucking bad spot to be in for anyone.
Now maybe it’s not my place to get involved at all – I’m very open to the fact that in trying to help when it is not asked for I could make things worse – and I’m not gonna risk that. But my brother is none the less reporting to me events that leave me feeling very concerned for them both and I would do anything I could to help them.
So I reach out to all of you; please, with your collected experiences of life (and I know there’s so many here), could you share with me your opinions on what you feel would be best here? I’m really at a loss myself…
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
|
sceq
Stranger
Registered: 06/08/16
Posts: 4
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23353315 - 06/17/16 01:15 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
It's not a situation I've had to deal with before so I can't give the best advice. But I suppose to a large degree it's your brother's responsibility, how he handles this situation. The most you can do is be there for him and willing to point him in the right direction whenever he is down.
Setting the best example in your own life, I suppose, is all that can really be done without intervening.
Best wishes.
|
Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#23354794 - 06/17/16 01:11 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Speaking for your wife....alcoholism is something that I know a lot about. It is a selfish, self-centered disease that tells you that you're just fine....everyone else is at fault. You have periods of guilt and remorse that will be quickly quashed with more booze. It is a vicious cycle...that, in the end...the booze stops working. That's when the suicidal thoughts come to play. You get to a point where you can't live with alcohol or without it.
Drunks are really really good at spinning tales to seem like their behavior is your fault. Don't get caught in that trap. Honestly, they should get into some sort of detox/ rehab as soon as they are willing. The best time to approach them is after a particularly rough binge...never while they are in the midst of a drunk. There is absolutely no use in trying to reason with a drunk...they cannot begin to heal until they stop drinking period.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
|
Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Thayendanegea]
#23356217 - 06/17/16 10:15 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Thayendanegea said: Drunks are really really good at spinning tales to seem like their behavior is your fault. Don't get caught in that trap. Honestly, they should get into some sort of detox/ rehab as soon as they are willing. The best time to approach them is after a particularly rough binge...never while they are in the midst of a drunk. There is absolutely no use in trying to reason with a drunk...they cannot begin to heal until they stop drinking period.
Thanks for the advice Thayendanegea; I remember all of this so well. She did in fact go into rehab 10 months ago; I think she's on a transition out now but contact between us has been minimal. Things got... bad between us.
And you're right about what caused her to go in. I completely lost my temper with her one night and ripped a door off the wall and smashed the rest of the house up a bit. She drove off frightened and after a day or two dry at a mutual friends house decided to give rehab another go (she had attempted it once before but bailed after four days).
I think she's making good progress, but it'll be a couple more months before we reinstate proper contact. I just don't want to see my brother or his partner go through all that. Fucking rough times man..
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
|
LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23356904 - 06/18/16 06:14 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
I have no advice, but best wishes for you and your brother.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
|
Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23363901 - 06/20/16 01:47 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
I have an ex that I had to leave for my own sanity because of her alcoholism...plus because I have my own sobriety to worry about. I have a feeling that she is going to follow hers to the bitter end though...very sad.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
|
Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Thayendanegea]
#23364626 - 06/20/16 06:22 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
The bitter end being, as I understand from your last post, likely suicide, if not rehab?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
|
Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23366165 - 06/21/16 08:47 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
bitter end = alcoholic death....maybe organ failure, maybe accident....maybe suicide.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
|
Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Thayendanegea]
#23368042 - 06/21/16 07:38 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Thanks man. What would you say is the ratio of those that make it through to sobriety to those that meet the bitter end? You seem to have enormous experience in these matters...
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
|
Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
|
Re: How do you deal with people in meltdown? (request for help) [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#23369621 - 06/22/16 10:53 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
I have enormous experience with AA...It saved my life and made it worth living and I make no bones about it. And honestly, percentages are something I don't like to use because there are a shit ton (the majority of people actually) of people who approach sobriety in a half assed way. They say they tried AA or some other program and failed when, in essence they never really fully immersed themselves in the program. This is not surprising because drug addiction/ alcoholism lends itself to "instant" gratification that is brought about by the simple delivery method of a bottle or a pill or a needle. No one really truly wants do do the hard work and soul searching that is required for lasting sobriety.
In "How it works" in the AA Big Book, it says..."Rarely have we seen a person fail that has thoroughlyfollowed our path. Honestly, that is what I have seen....thoroughlybeing the key word. Those that are willing to: 1) admit that they are powerless over a substance and their life is unmanageable because of it
2) are able to honestly clean house by taking a personal inventory and making amends to people you've crossed.
3) Try to help others in their daily life.
Rarely fail...this is what I've seen...You can usually tell pretty quickly when someone is not willing to do what is needed.
I'm not trying to advertise for AA here...I'm just mentioning my experience in 17 plus years of sobriety and trying to help others to achieve sobriety. First and foremost, they need to want to go to any length to stop...if they are there, they have a chance. Otherwise...not very. Example...my ex....She is an accomplished attorney that works for the federal government that somehow gets through the day before starting every night with a tumbler full of straight vodka...sloppy drunk by 7:00. She feels like because she has such a high powered job and goes to the gym ever day that she has control....she will not surrender even though her liver is failing (beginning to turn jaundiced...her eyes are yellow..etc...she ignores these things. That is what the disease of alcoholism does...it tells us we are doing just fine when everyone close to you knows different.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
|
|