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Synocybin
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Registered: 06/14/10
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"Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change)
#23352848 - 06/16/16 10:32 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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i've done it again...
one more person that i loved so deeply and hurt so badly...
I have a bach degree in Psychology and I dont know why I cant stop..
its not an addiction... i just dont ever wanna be alone... im mild schizophrenic to begin with, so my thoughts arent always my own..
but thats no excuse..
5 days ago my gf (or what is now ex, though i desperately dont want it to end, and i'll get to it in a bit) went through my phone and found messages from a girl that i had slept with while i was dating her...
it was a one time thing... i wont say that i cant control myself, because everyone is born with the decision... the decision to do fucked up things or not do fuck up things.. the choice is ours.. 9 times out of 10 i chose wrong... i dont know why... where it would be so easy to say "no i have someone that i love more than my own life, i cant talk to you or do things like that"....
my mind wont compute that..
for 5 days i have slept on the couch while she, my angel, my everything, the one i loved and hurt, slept alone in the bed..
for 5 days i have neither ate nor slept a well sleep...i have been physically ill at the thought of how badly i have hurt her...
i swore... i fucking swore i wouldnt hurt her like that, i wanted to be her protector... i wanted to be hers.. only hers.. to have and love until the end of time..
keep in mind, my friends, that i had been in an almost 10 year relationship and have two children that i love with all my soul and being with another woman...i admit that there were problems, but at the end we just werent happy together and it was a mutual split for the benefit of not only ourselves but our children as well... no child/ren should have to grow up watching their parents hate each other..
and then i found her... like the allman brothers sang, she was my sweet melisa...she made my day brighter... she was the smile that started my day...i have never been ticklish in my life, not one single place, but she makes me giggle like a child who has found out that today is their birthday..without her i was and still am nothing..
i can feel myself dying without her...and nothing i can do can bring her back...
we spent the day today cuddling and watching movies...and she went to stay with her aunt and uncle because they are going hiking in the morning... we had such an amazing day... we cuddled and watched movies and we made love like i had never felt before and napped together afterwards.. and then she told me that it still means nothing and that she feels nothing for me...
and as i type, dear readers, i feel the need to end it all... i'm classic Cobain-ing it.. listening to losing my religion on loop.. trying to figure my next move...i have never felt such an absence of feeling and overwhelming despair and all at my hands...
but ending myself wouldnt solve, but cause more problems...my children.. havin to know their father killed himself over a woman that wasnt his mother.. the strain melisa would feel, the thought that i did it because if i couldnt live with her by my side that i chose to not live...
its a permanent solution to a temporary prooblem, suicide....
and honestly... i dont have it in me...
i just know that every minute without her.. every time i look at her and see all the hurt and pain and mistrust that ive caused, is more than i can bare...
i cant face a life without her light...
i love her more than ive loved anything or anyone (save my children) and its more emotion and feeling and self hate and alone that i have felt in so long...
i cant keep this up anymore...
but i feel like i can never get her back... that ive pushed her so far that i cant call her back...
i feel myself dying...im not asking advice... im not seeking words of assurance... i dont deserve anything but what ive cast upon myself...
i just wanted to know that you can die without physically dying..
you can feel like your heart will never beat again.....
you can feel...
no matter how much we tell ourselves... we can die.. and not just our body...ourselves...
-------------------- Synocybin's Penis Envy Grow Log! OUTDOOR SPENT TRAY GROW PICS!! X7X Grow Log Luigi on Shrooms said: Its been 4weeks since i cased what is going on? i used human manure(mine) vermiculite and coco coir
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Tmethyl
Smear in the shale


Registered: 07/16/12
Posts: 16,431
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Synocybin]
#23352886 - 06/16/16 10:44 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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True love can endure a heavy blow like this.
Have you said to her what you said here in this thread? Whats stopping you if not? Die to your old self.
-------------------- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Synocybin
Thread Killer



Registered: 06/14/10
Posts: 2,812
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Last seen: 3 months, 30 days
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Tmethyl]
#23352898 - 06/16/16 10:47 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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i have told her this... ive been having panic attacks steadily since she told me its over...and she was her for one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had...
she was crying amd begging me to tell her what to do and i told her to just let me die...
i cant take take the feeling i have.. its a bat wrapped in razor blades that just turns and turns...
she was my everything...
she was my reason...
-------------------- Synocybin's Penis Envy Grow Log! OUTDOOR SPENT TRAY GROW PICS!! X7X Grow Log Luigi on Shrooms said: Its been 4weeks since i cased what is going on? i used human manure(mine) vermiculite and coco coir
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Tmethyl]
#23352901 - 06/16/16 10:47 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Tmethyl said: True love can endure a heavy blow like this.
Have you said to her what you said here in this thread? Whats stopping you if not? Die to your old self.
Wise words man, fuckin' spot on IMO.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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California
A E S T H E T I C S A T A N


Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 72,118
Loc: H A U N T E D H O U S E
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Tmethyl]
#23352908 - 06/16/16 10:49 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Tmethyl said: True love can endure a heavy blow like this.
Have you said to her what you said here in this thread? Whats stopping you if not? Die to your old self.
She said she feels nothing for him.
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Synocybin
Thread Killer



Registered: 06/14/10
Posts: 2,812
Loc: Here and There
Last seen: 3 months, 30 days
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: California]
#23352925 - 06/16/16 10:53 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
California said:
Quote:
Tmethyl said: True love can endure a heavy blow like this.
Have you said to her what you said here in this thread? Whats stopping you if not? Die to your old self.
She said she feels nothing for him.
she said this.. but if she felt nothing then we wouldnt have made love today... and i say it like that becasue we've had sex.. but this... this was something else...
she initiated though... i didnt want to do anything because i thought it was a setup.. something for her to say " i agreed to cuddling with you and not sex but now your pushing into me, you want to have sex and not just be with me"
but she started it all today... all the closeness.. all the cuddling.. the being together.. and then still tells me that she feels nothing for me...
-------------------- Synocybin's Penis Envy Grow Log! OUTDOOR SPENT TRAY GROW PICS!! X7X Grow Log Luigi on Shrooms said: Its been 4weeks since i cased what is going on? i used human manure(mine) vermiculite and coco coir
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Tmethyl
Smear in the shale


Registered: 07/16/12
Posts: 16,431
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: California]
#23352930 - 06/16/16 10:56 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
California said:
Quote:
Tmethyl said: True love can endure a heavy blow like this.
Have you said to her what you said here in this thread? Whats stopping you if not? Die to your old self.
She said she feels nothing for him.
Words mean virtually nothing when people are angry. They are expressions, not literal truths. She feels like she feels nothing, she doesn't actually feel nothing.
She is deeply hurt. There is no cure. Do not try to further express how much you regret what you did to her. Instead, be patient. It will go the way it goes. Be there, listen.
-------------------- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Synocybin
Thread Killer



Registered: 06/14/10
Posts: 2,812
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Last seen: 3 months, 30 days
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Tmethyl]
#23352947 - 06/16/16 11:00 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Tmethyl said: Do not try to further express how much you regret what you did to her. Instead, be patient. It will go the way it goes. Be there, listen.
this made me tear up so bad...
im trying brother... truly i am...
-------------------- Synocybin's Penis Envy Grow Log! OUTDOOR SPENT TRAY GROW PICS!! X7X Grow Log Luigi on Shrooms said: Its been 4weeks since i cased what is going on? i used human manure(mine) vermiculite and coco coir
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Tmethyl
Smear in the shale


Registered: 07/16/12
Posts: 16,431
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Synocybin]
#23352959 - 06/16/16 11:06 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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This is one way that humans immerse themselves in the depth of this experience we call life or love. All so deeply rooted in our heads, but it feels so real. It feels so real that it can kill you.
It's Shakespeare-beautiful. Can you not appreciate this? What could make you grow more than this? Suffering is like the light a plant needs to reach higher.
-------------------- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Synocybin
Thread Killer



Registered: 06/14/10
Posts: 2,812
Loc: Here and There
Last seen: 3 months, 30 days
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Tmethyl] 1
#23353029 - 06/16/16 11:29 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Tmethyl said: This is one way that humans immerse themselves in the depth of this experience we call life or love. All so deeply rooted in our heads, but it feels so real. It feels so real that it can kill you.
It's Shakespeare-beautiful. Can you not appreciate this? What could make you grow more than this?

her last text she just sent at 12:07AM
"youve made your be and now you have to lay in it..we were not right for each other or the thought to look at another female or sleep with them wouldve never crossed your mind. even if you never cheated again i couldnt trust you. no relationship can last without trust. you will find the perfect woman that turns you world upside down, no matter what, and when you see her you'll see noone else.."
-------------------- Synocybin's Penis Envy Grow Log! OUTDOOR SPENT TRAY GROW PICS!! X7X Grow Log Luigi on Shrooms said: Its been 4weeks since i cased what is going on? i used human manure(mine) vermiculite and coco coir
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Viol
sassy frassy lassie


Registered: 10/16/13
Posts: 136
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Tmethyl]
#23353441 - 06/17/16 02:27 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Tmethyl said: Suffering is like the light a plant needs to reach higher.
True that. Only when you've experienced the furthest depths of your pain can you truly grow and attain any peace.
I was in a similar situation not so long ago, OP, only I was the one to have my heart broken. Like you described earlier, it felt like dying. I became fractured, a hollow shell of who I once was. It wasn't until I stopped viewing things from my very limited human perspective, my ego, and let go of the anger, the blame, that I felt more at peace and liberated from my mental and emotional prison. From reading her message, she seems to still care deeply for you and wish you well, so that must be of some comfort to you, yes? Things can never be the same though, with that sense of trust having been betrayed.
Nothing I can say will take away your pain, and for that I truly am sorry. Someone once told me that our romantic relationships are merely windows, fleeting moments in time. Some are short, but full of such passion and tenderness, that you wonder, could this really have lasted? Can this level of intense emotion sustain itself and endure? I look back at my pain now as a gift. As hurt as I was, and as much as it will always hurt that I am no longer a part of his life, the love I feel will never die, and that is why I truly believe that there is nothing stronger than your love for someone. True love transcends all.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Viol]
#23353507 - 06/17/16 03:18 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Viol said: the love I feel will never die, and that is why I truly believe that there is nothing stronger than your love for someone. True love transcends all.
This. Only the kind of pain described above and in OP was enough to first awake in me unconditional love, both for myself and others, which I'd never before known or felt.
I asked myself the question recently, would I go through it all again, knowing what lies after you come back down from living in the clouds with a crashing thud, and spend years scraping your shattered self off the ground?
Fuck yes I would.
OP - I think my sig has something to say on the kind of death you speak of. In the long run, that can only be a good thing IMO. The experience took off a hard layer of something I am not, and what was under it was true love. Have faith brother, good luck in your healing.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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sudly
Darwin's stagger


Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,812
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Re: "Lost Love" or (How I Learned To Stop Trying Because I Can't Change) [Re: Synocybin]
#23353570 - 06/17/16 04:10 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Unconditional love has one expectation, trust.
You made a choice to break that condition and it sounds like she's made the choice to move on.
If you love her maybe it's best to let her go, trying to rebuild shattered trust might just scar her for life if you break it again.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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