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Trippedytrip
TrippedyTrip



Registered: 09/07/15
Posts: 514
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months
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Messed up half of my life, Im a fucking asshole . What do you think
#23350708 - 06/16/16 11:25 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hey guys ,
I habe been wirhout drugs since 16 , had a hand full best friends , family etc. A really good life with the feet on my ground , athletic and pretty smart and intelligent.
When i was 17 i moved to another country . I started there my aprrenticeship and a first start in the work-world.
I didnt know there anyone. Started meeting people who where in the trance-psychedelic scene. I also started smoking pot and doing Ecs and Shrooms. I am a very creative,intelligent mind but also a very overthinker an internally judger person.
The first year was great , had a lot of fun and i had builded up a very powerfull ego and "good friends"
After the second year of career i startes getting demotivated and lost my interest in work because i had problems there. I started falling really down into the void and damaging my ego in terms of self-judging and thinking off the past.
I had come to a point where I have lost completely my ego and scrambled up my entire brain and psysichal appearance. I did no sport and very low social life . I only was smoking pot/working and more pot and tryng to get things back in the right place.
I had come to a point where i had DP / a psychotic episode and anxiety and a lot of stress due to work and whole the situation. Nearly 4-6 months in a awfull state
talking bout today i have gotten 2 months break from work. I am now home and tryng to recover. I had build such a meanfull/silly/uncommon state of mind wich would internally judge me and being constantly racing thougts against me ! I think it might be karma . I had no guts doing nothing. I have fallen to the bottom of my existence.
I see it now and ask me why the hell did i do it? I am 19 have the face of a 15 year old boy and i feel like it. I have lost totally my ego and getting it back to the point it was would take me loads of time. I cant enjoy life anymore. I go out on the street and this anxowty feeling kicks in, people stare at me as if i was dumb and my eyes are very awfull. My body stops breathing and start sweating really intense. I cant take it no more . I know inside , i have become very spiritual , empathetic and im not dumb. I can become big again but looking back i dont fucking comprend why i have taken it to such a point. I see life as a different person now. I neither have energy to continue working . I had never such an experience and i had never fallen so hard. I think i might be quitting now the career and starting of new with the feets on the ground wirhout drugs , but i love Maryjane and i dont want to quit it , i think it will bring my ego back when im strong enough and ready for it.
I know there are stories much worse but i have fallen so hard ! I need advice/help anything would be great to get me going again. I have been doing sport/meditation each day since 2,5 weeks and also comepletely herb abstinence.
I dont know what to do , it is such a fucking depression and i hate me because of doing it. Im such a dumbass
Cya brahs , god be with you
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Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
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Re: Messed up half of my life, Im a fucking asshole . What do you think [Re: Trippedytrip]
#23351431 - 06/16/16 03:10 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Sounds like English isn't your primary language but it also sounds like you're on the right track. Stop smoking so much weed...just stop. Try to find a support group or someone else with common afflictions/ interests. Stop thinking so much about yourself...we all do this and we really aren't that fucking important.
Also,try helping someone else out in whatever way you can...this gives a fulfilling feeling and helps to make you feel good about yourself rather than just feel good.There is a big difference. There are always people/ animals that are less fortunate than ourselves.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
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Trippedytrip
TrippedyTrip



Registered: 09/07/15
Posts: 514
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months
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Re: Messed up half of my life, Im a fucking asshole . What do you think [Re: Thayendanegea]
#23353344 - 06/17/16 01:30 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Yeah I think you kinda hit the point and i asume it .
I also have been living alone and constantly worrying about myself and being more and more egoist and compulsive. I kinda never was like that before , always had my eye on others.
Well , thanks for your post mate .
My english isnt the best though i at least have the First Certificate haha but have lost it because i never practiced it.
Cya ,
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Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
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Re: Messed up half of my life, Im a fucking asshole . What do you think [Re: Trippedytrip]
#23354057 - 06/17/16 09:03 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
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tHEfLY
Stranger

Registered: 04/16/16
Posts: 427
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Re: Messed up half of my life, Im a fucking asshole . What do you think [Re: Trippedytrip]
#23354078 - 06/17/16 09:09 AM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Trippedytrip said: I also have been living alone and constantly worrying about myself and being more and more egoist and compulsive. I kinda never was like that before , always had my eye on others.
Being alone will make your brain go into a defensive self preservation mode that makes it harder to be considerate of other people. It's a survival instinct, so don't beat yourself up too much about it.
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Trippedytrip
TrippedyTrip



Registered: 09/07/15
Posts: 514
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months
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Re: Messed up half of my life, Im a fucking asshole . What do you think [Re: tHEfLY]
#23358103 - 06/18/16 01:50 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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Thats Pretty True what you said there friend.
I am now on week 3,5 recover of DP . Sport every day , eating healthy , fresh air.
I dont really quite know if dp , i feel just like reborn , like a had a spirirual awakening over rhe time with use of cannabis. I am more in peace with myself now , with my thoughts and the loved ones.
I think i can handle smoking again but in a time .
Meanwhile i am drinking each night a cannatea wich tastes delicious
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Trippedytrip
TrippedyTrip



Registered: 09/07/15
Posts: 514
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months
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Re: Messed up half of my life, Im a fucking asshole . What do you think [Re: Trippedytrip]
#23358923 - 06/18/16 06:39 PM (7 years, 7 months ago) |
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The tea hast feelt good indeed , my effort has gotten paid and im in the game.
Have a dreamy night full of wishes and hope.
The hotter the battle the sweeter jah victory put the heathen's back upon the wall.
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