Sooo, I kind of lost my shit on this trip.. A little background, this was my third "big" trip, not including a few microdoses. The first two times being about 2 grams each, this time, maybe 2.5-3g. They we're extremely potent it seems, pretty much everyone in my group went deeeeeep...
The setting, out in the mountains, in a forest. We arrive around maybe 3-4pm, much later than we expected. Once we get to our spot, near a lovely stream and a nice space for us to gather in circle. We open the space and call out to the four directions, the winds of each, for strength and guidance.. to show our respect for all life and what we were about to participate in. We all pull tarot cards, and go over them together, saying what it means to us, and expressing our intentions with the mushroom medicine. I pull 'Balance' as my card. Definitely something I need in my life, my intentions being just that, seeking balance and understanding of where I should be in my life..
We then go off to sit on our own to consume the mushies. I sit and try to speak and listen to each one I chew. I'm so glad I find them to be delicious BTW, I like to chew them really thoroughly. It feels kind of important to me. Before I could finish my bag of 3.5, I heard my own voice in my head speak to me like the mushroom has spoken to me before, like, "Woah now buddy, you've had more than enough, no more!".. So I listened to that, and I am so glad I did, even though I was so determined to eat the full 3.5 this time.
We all gather back to the circle, and chant OM.. over and over.. and then we allow our OMs to flow into any sound we wanted, just projections of our voice.. We seemed to all kind of know when to stop at the same time.. I grabbed a djembe drum.. and gently drummed with our sounds, and faded that out, and our voices faded out following... Me and K are already feeling the first effects.. I start laughing like oh shit, it begins.. and start ramble singing.. "welcome.. welcome.. mushroooooms.. welcome.. welcome.. mushroomssss..."
I then stand up, and stretch, eyes closed... and immediately see swirling serpents of blue and yellow, swirling in spiral circles.. My eyes shoot open, and I stumble over to a rock... I need to lay down.. AuUUGGHHhhh... This energy deep down.. all this stuck bullshit I cannot define, only feel.. I lay on the rock and my voice and body flow beyond my control, a verbal purging occurs.. AuUugghHhh!! I am moaning, getting LOUD.. making all sorts of sounds, mostly expressing pain, and my body is writhing and moving beyond my control..
Someone in our group, we'll call her K, she doesn't like this at all.. "Oh he has to go!" She exclaims in fear. I then suddenly gain control again, climb off of my rock and apologize so sincerely to her, "I'm sorry, K, I've obviously got some shit to work through, this is my shit, not yours, I'll go work on it over there.. I'm so sorry!"
As I proceed to head out into the forest.. Our friend, H, quickly gets up and follows me (he is essentially our guide, he only ate one tiny mushroom to be on our level, but to stay grounded for all the rest of us who ate big doses of these potent messengers).. He hands me a guitar, and grabs a drum for himself. "Let's go make music" he says. So we venture out a bit, find a nice big rock to sit on, and proceed to jam. I start with guitar.. and as I begin.. all the beautiful nature perks up, and begins dancing "Nature likes it!" I shout joyously, "it's like we're putting on a show just for it!" So he begins with him drum.. and I hit record on my phone, and begin singing to nature (I rarely have confidence to sing). Nature was loving it so much, as was I. The recording is so fascinating to hear (if anyone wants to hear). After the jam, H and I hug and I thank him for helping me get grounded, and he leaves me alone to go check on the others.
By now, things are so intensely vivid. The sun is like the entire sky, of white fire, making the edge of leaves like rainbow fire. As all of Nature is now still.. the jams stopped.. so I hit record again, and try to play guitar by myself.. I play for about one minute, and am sinking the entire time.. I mumble. "Ughh, I can't " and stop the recording, drunkenly set my guitar down, and collapsed onto my back on the rock.. my arms and legs spread wide open beyond my control....
Immediately, I am transported on like an alien exam table. Two tall slender entities are above me looking down, from my left and right. They are rapidly moving then energy throughout my body, lifting my limbs, prodding my mouth, looking at teeth, down my throat, thoroughly checking me out. Just swirling their energy, super fast, almost like scrubbing me, but it was an examination thing. They stopped when they went over where I recently had a hernia repair surgery. They straight up said without words, looking at each other, "Woah, we did not put this here..." Feeling it more.. taking note of it, and then they continued and then we're like "Okay, he checks out.." Then I opened my eyes to even more vividness out in the forest, things blurring into oil painting patterns that we're super sharpened.. K was calling everyone back.. I felt like a little kid.. "This is a call home, come home!" She is like singing it, and I spring up and make it back to the circle...
Now much after this point is a blur, and it's hard to remember in what order, everything I remember, had happened. I blacked out a lot after this point. When I got back, I remember drinking some water, trying to... and it was like, the water went right through my esophagus, outside of my body, just dribbling spilling out of me.. rushing out of my nose like a flood.. my body like rejected it entirely.. then I remember looking at my plastic bottle, and I threw it on the ground. I was like "wtf is this shit?!" It looked so fake and out of place, jt disgusted me seeing it out in the beauriful nature. Then things started getting too intense, overhwhelming, I reached in my pocket the find the tarot card, and only pulled out my phone. Saw time, it was like 5:14pm.. and I got stuck in a loop, just feeeling like i need to do something, then forgetting, then looping and looping.. reaching for my guitar, unable to, then being disgusted by the water bottle, then looking at my phone, then forgetting, repeating... Thinking.. "I have to get to work tomorrow, I have to get out of here, I've been out here forever..."
I ended up out of that, laying down, trying to wrap my blanket around me, i was cold.. but the blanket was like melty taffy, melting into my hands, and itself. So frustrating. The whole world was melting, everyone in our group was shapeshifting.. having three faces, flesh melting into flesh.. Except H, he stayes normal... There was a cuddle puddle at one point, everyone melting together.. i started biting people.. and felt like i was having sex.. beyond my control.. luckily i wasnt, but my hips wouldnt stop.. i got kicked out of the cuddle puddle..
Someone was drumming earlier, before the cuddle puddle, before my loop. That brought me to this fractured state of being, being all broken, feeling the whole group of us, as one being, be as just me, broken up, feeling like I popped of the wheel of life, and my fractures bits were like "fuck, I dunno if we'll get back this time, every time we leave, there are too many variables, it is such a slim chance to get it just right to be in that perfect frequency.. fuck!" Or maybe this happened after.. i dunno.. after I died?
After the cuddle puddle, I thought I was dying.. everything was melting together, I was stuck in a slanted perspective. My whole body grounded, stuck, in this slanted position, slipping and slipping away as it all disolved.. scariest moment of my existence.. Beyond words with how my humanly thing broke, fuck I've gone too far, I've lost it. I felt the water, felt like i was drowning.. Then experienced my friends trying cpr on me (not really, but they were trying to calm me down).. then them freaking out "oh man.. fuck.. he really died.." then experiencing my mom crying over my body "fuck, you stupid selfish piece of shit.. i knew this would happen one day, you and youe fucking psychedelics" deeply feeling her pain.. i did not see any of this.. my vision was blackness.. nothingness.. i experiened just by hearing all of this.. the days after my "death"...
At some point, either before or after ny death.. i was giving birth.. at another i was being birthed out.. at another.. my friends called me over.. and one them, C, she turned into my pregnant girlfriend.. and the rest of my friends were gathered around her.. H was saying, "This is the moment, shes giving birth.." I'm beyond words, and indulge it for a moment, and fade into another blackout...
After the death.. when I finally let go.. I try thinking of people, and see them as a 2d picture, and they disappear.. and then who? Everything.. what? All of it.. poof.. then this reality.. folding.. and folding.. and folding in on itself.. forever folding.. gone beyond.. back to the wheel.. this cycle I have been to before.. on my last trip.. in previous lives.. before I was ever born.. this realm that it a natural part of existence.. it always has been.. forever.. and it always shall be.. forever.. it is the difficult part of the cycle of existence.. Why can't I have life anymore? Because life is the fun part, the game, so is this, a game, but the difficilt part.. you know we must do it, we've done it forever.. it does end... So much frustration in this cycle. I remember it well.. it is like an autonomous jigsaw puzzle that is the very fabric of existence.. that we must forever sustain...
This cycle eventually passed, as it does, and so did other cycles that I blacked out through. During the my death, and the frustrating cycle of all of existence, I became kind of violent, and crazy, in my blackouts... throwing rocks at my friends.. hitting rocks with my hands.. just totally thrashing my body, screaming, out of control.. I came back to with H on top of me, he put me in the water, and was holding a rock on top of my chest..
At this point, I was super cocky, and aggressively playfully friendly, sexual, still aggressive.. The rock was on some tightness in my chest.. "OoOooo.. what's that? What do you feeell there? OOoooo!".. Feeling like he was doing shaman work on me (he was just trying to get me to chill the fuck out, I had become a danger to others and myself.)
I am so glad to be back from being dead.. but I feel like it's all just a game.. like it was all a powerful lucid dream.. and dream characters were here to help me spiritually evolve (my friends)
H is like "Hey! No rocks!" As I reach for rocks, at my sides., and takes them from me.. and I spit in his face, laughing, because there is mud in my mouth (my head is partly in mud and water).. He's like "You're hurting others and it's not cool.." and I reply something like "But it's fun, and it's fun to hurt others sometimes, yknow, it's all fuunn brooOooOoOoo! Yknow, cause we're all one, broOooo" and he's like "Hey! Do you want us to leave you here alone? We can do that, we can leave you over there, and we will just leave (talking about the group)" I'm like, "Noooo, I don't want that.. I don't want to be alone.. that's why we're all fucking alive, I loovvveee you all! No one wants to be lonely!" He then reminds me of my girlfriend, and my child to be born, don't I want to see them again? "Yes!!! Because I LoOooOoOvVvVeEee themm soOoOo much!!! I wanna snuggle her so bad right now.. I miss her!"
BTW, there are little insects crawling over everything, infinite legged insects, and the earth is growing back to the former glory, I am still being reborn during this.. H let's me up, and I get overwhelmed with joy, tickle him and bable like a madman, and start rambling singing.. "This is why we do it! This is why we dooo iittt.. we forget to remember to forget to remember, endlessly, to live these lives, to experiencing it all every which way we can! By why do we do it? Because we don't want to be fucking lonely, it's no fun just being one, it's too perfect, there's nothing to learn... even though all the lessons point back to oneness and love love love... it's all so much fucking fun!!! Whoooo! This is why we dooooo iiittt!"
I'm still aggressive cocky, almost coming off like I am mocking oneness. I try to fly through a rock.. "That didn't work H!!" I shout as I pop back up from the water. I start trying to have sex with everyone, wanting dick (so not what I usually desire), wanting everyone, really aggressively.. I felt like it was okay for us all to have sex freely, because I truly felt we we're all the same being experiencing itself. I felt my group of friends have spent lifetimes together. Like they we're all more experienced than me though.
T, another guy with us, for me in a choke hold after I got aggressive again, "He's got a lot to learn, he'll be okay, he's coming back. You've got a lot of shit man, you're still young to this game." Felt like he was directly talking to my soul, like he knew me from other life's.. I don't know of he was actually saying some if the stuff he was saying to me... it was all on such a deep level of infinite. I was all like.. "Remember that time we we're Jesus?! And Ghandi? Oh oh, remember that bullshit we had to do at work today?!" As if we all knew what everything and everyone was experiencing at all times, ever, because we're all one broOoOOOOO!
I blacked out again, and came to completely naked, and cold, and wet feeling almost totally back.. "Ahh.. my body.. Ahhh by jaw.. it's out of place of fuck, my neck too, horribly, fuck fuck fuck.. guys I fucked up! I'm so sorry! I broke my body. Fuck!" My neck and jaw we're completely out of place. Luckily I felt no pain, I popped that shit back in place with no hesitation, still feeling the reality is a video game vibe.. "fuck it, fix it now, you'll heal" everyone saw how messed up it, and tripped out on how rapidly I healed.
Luckily C has a extra pair of bicycle shorts. I sported those and my shoes and a blanket back up in the dark, other people are still tripping balls. At end of the trail.. we we're greeted with headlights.. K thought they were the aliens from her trip coming back to take her, he was still gone.. nope, park rangers.. we we're there after hours. We got very lucky considering we just got tickets, it could have been a lot worse with me being half naked looking like a madman.
I could have wrote so much more, but this has already been long enough. I needed to document this in text, to solidify it into my memory. It was so heavy, it left waking up multiple times a night sweating, full blown tripping, having flashback, for a week after. Lots of integration work.
It technically was a "bad trip," I lost control, I was not grounded, I had no 'Balance,' I am not entirely sure what to make of it. Hopefully next time I can stay aware and present.. Writing trip reports is a trip, reliving it all. Whoo, such craziness. If you're still reading this, I commend you, thank you.
Post thoughts, feelings, negativities, advice, insults, whatever you wish. I'm open to it all.
Tl;DR - I tripped balls
-------------------- Disclaimer: All posts created by the user "Bomb Diggity" are entirely fictitious and are created solely for entertainment purposes to cope with his severe social anxiety.
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