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Anonymous #1

When to throw in the towel.
    #23348618 - 06/15/16 08:04 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

So I have been with this person for 13 years. We get into the same fights about the same things every few months for years on end. Thing is I really love this person but we seem like we are just stuck. Nothing improves, year in year out. Especially on their end. They never seem to grow as a person. I see a decade into the future an see us in the same situation we are in now. Things have gotten stale.

Should I stay or should I go now?


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23348663 - 06/15/16 08:20 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

I think it most likely depends on how much either of you is willing to work on yourselves/change the things that are causing the issues. I used to think that it would be weak of me to change myself in/for a relationship, but in hindsight I feel that it was stubbornness that caused me to resist it.

Personal change, regardless of what catalyses it, is pretty much always for the best if you follow your heart rather than your head IMO.

Perhaps, if you made some changes in regards to your part in these issues, your partner would too?


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Invisiblesudly
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Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 11,243
Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23348746 - 06/15/16 08:46 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Talk to your partner about what you really want.


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.


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Anonymous #1

Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23348747 - 06/15/16 08:46 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

I feel like I have grown so much as a person in the last decade but they have stayed the same.
I feel less like I have a spouse every day and more like I have a child that I have meh sex with but has the body of an adult. It just feels unfulfilling and has been for a long time now. Plus we have clashes that neither of us wants to change on. My biggest gripe is their child like temper tantrums that border into abuse and their attempts to control me and expect me to excommunicate anyone in my life they feel jealous of. Being accused of cheating is also getting old when I never have. They want me to stay, and I stay with them but mostly for their sake.
Lately, I feel like more like a parent than a spouse which is odd because I'm far younger than them. We seem to have less and less to talk about.

I really love and care for this person, but I feel at the end of my rope. I'm sick of trying to be someone they want me to be and not who I am. I hate throwing away a decade but i'm terrified by the thought of throwing away another.

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23348823 - 06/15/16 09:10 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Mmmm... sounds a tricky one alright. I can imagine the inner struggles you must be dealing with here.

Your spouse sounds a lot like my brother. He seems to have some powerful underlying attachment issues and it causes the issues you describe your partner having (such as jealousy/tantrums).

In all honesty, I think you're doing a disservice to both of you if your prime reason is staying with them 'mostly for their sake' - you're likely inadvertently stopping them from growing from the inevitable pain that will come from losing you, and keeping yourself from finding a sense of inner peace within yourself, and potential massive life changes. The kind of emotional turmoil you describe will only wear you down in the long run, and feeling stuck in a rut is a sure way to keep the turmoil going.

Sounds like you could use some good, quiet time for thoughtful reflection on the matter before making a decision one way or the other. Sounds like making a resolute decision is what you need most right now... Just try and be as objective as you can when reflecting.

Good luck, shout back if you need to.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Anonymous #1

Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23348854 - 06/15/16 09:16 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

"if your prime reason is staying with them 'mostly for their sake'"
That, and thinking about what possible ways they might hurt me physically, professionally, and financially during the break up.

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #23349002 - 06/15/16 09:56 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

If you feel, in your heart, that this person would be spiteful enough to hurt you 'physically, professionally, and financially during the break up' then I'd bail out right now (or very soon) and focus on how best to mitigate any damage they might do. When my wife and I had to go our separate ways I was at least sure enough that she wouldn't hit me with all that shit - that took a lot of weight off my shoulders - and has allowed a firm friendship to remain.

It fills me with immense sadness when I think of how many couples become bitter enemies in the process of a breakup. I just can't see the need for it myself.

None the less, the picture you paint is one of someone who sounds as though they have a lot to learn about life. Let them learn I say; pain is undoubtedly the best teacher and catalyst for growth in this life.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Anonymous #2

Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23349258 - 06/15/16 11:19 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

OP in some ways a lot of what you've said mirrors my own experiences. Is it okay if I ask what you're arguing about, even if you're vague? I wish this shit wasn't so much to type, because I feel like we could really talk about this. There's a lot to say, and a lot of judgement to be had about it, you know? I hope you figure out things for yourself, just remember that loving someone isn't as easy as loving yourself, and that's not easy either. Whatever happens, just be sure of yourself before you decide. There's been a lot of things I personally didn't deserve, but I'm far from a perfect person at the same time.

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Anonymous #1

Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #23349831 - 06/16/16 05:25 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Constant jealousy and accusing me of cheating.

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InvisibleAcidic_SlothM
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23349882 - 06/16/16 05:59 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

are you cheating?


--------------------
-- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --

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--
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:heart: :todcasil: :heart:

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OfflineStill_tripping
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23350355 - 06/16/16 09:38 AM (7 years, 9 months ago)

I think Jokeshop has some good advice for you but I suspect I know what you actually want to hear.....

    "Yes, give up on it!"

Now that guess is based on what you have written because that makes it sound like you have already made up your mind and are really just looking for confirmation.

After 3 failed marriages I'm probably the worst person to offer any advice but I'd agree with the other posters who emphasize talking. Problem is is that it does take two people to do it and if either or both of you can't get over all the years of miscommunication and lack of trust then it will be a pointless exercise.

Quote:

Anonymous said:

That, and thinking about what possible ways they might hurt me physically, professionally, and financially during the break up.






And based on this comment your trust level is pretty low.
Good luck with it whatever you choose.


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Offlinerickpsfuckyou
listening to Mozzy
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Still_tripping]
    #23350943 - 06/16/16 12:34 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Man 13 years and its still the same? It isn't going to change, get used to it and accept it or get out of there and find something new, personally i probably would have left eleven years ago, if she was jealous and controlling like you say


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
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I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: rickpsfuckyou]
    #23351062 - 06/16/16 01:15 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

I'm not sure but I think OP is a woman talking about her man. Bottom line is you can't change people, they have to want to grow on their own.
Maybe leaving is the best route, give your partner a wake up call instead of being complacent in life. Maybe you two can work things out, but separation might give both people perspective on what they really want.


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[center

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Offlinerickpsfuckyou
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #23351850 - 06/16/16 05:17 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

I get you but if they have been together for 13 years they are both adults and se5 in their ways and personalities. At that age it's rare that people change who they are, it's best (my opinion) to move on and find some one you are happy with. Life is hard enough without having to deal with an insecure partner being jealous and controlling. After 13 years at the very least they should have trust if nothing else...


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
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Registered: 03/15/11
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: rickpsfuckyou]
    #23351883 - 06/16/16 05:30 PM (7 years, 9 months ago)

Trust can be broken over time. Especially in a long term relationship. I'm going through a similar thing with my wife who I have been with for 12 years. Even though I never was controlling or jealous we had disagreements that never were resolved. Like OP said, same fights every few months for years without anyone changing their habits.

I never though she would never leave because I never cheated, physically or verbally abused her, and was financially supportive. What i regret is that I wasn't more romantic with her when I had the chance.

When she left me it was a real awakening. I want her now more than ever but the feeling isn't mutual now.
She did come back a few months later and we got back together but her heart still wasn't in it and it only lasted about 5 months before she again wanted to separate. We still live together and I'm still hoping for reconciliation.


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[center

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Anonymous #1

Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Acidic_Sloth]
    #23792964 - 11/01/16 08:46 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

I know you are no longer with us sloth, but I'm still going to answer your question.

No. I have NEVER cheated.

Edited by Anonymous (11/01/16 08:49 PM)

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Anonymous #1

Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23793017 - 11/01/16 08:59 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

So a new development: We are adopting a newborn baby. We have had the child for a month and had our 1st post child fight. Same old stuff.

So things are different now. This child will see our relationship as "normal" and emulate it in it's future relationships. I was OK with possibly wasting my life on this. I'm not ok with causing harm to this child.

I can still end the adoption and go our separate ways. But is that really what's best for our son? We are for the most part good people. If I end this, he could very well end up going to a home far worse. I've scheduled some counseling sessions. This is bigger than just my life now. I can't fuck this up. If we can't work this out in the next few weeks I may cancel the adoption process which will absolutely kill me as I love this child....which is why I will do what's best for him even if it hurts me.

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Anonymous #3

Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23796456 - 11/03/16 12:27 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Why did you adopt a child with your spouse who is not reluctant of change knowing that the child would grow up viewing the fights as ''normal'', knowing the relationship is not going well and that your spouse has not changed his attitude in the past 10years ??

I am not trying to intimidate or insult. It just doesn't make sense and sounds like the classic ''Oh, having a baby will fix our relationship''

I think you might have dug the hole a little deeper with this. IMO I think you should reconsider adopting and work on fixing your marriage/domestic problems before involving a child into this, especially a child that has had already the experience of abandonment. I feel if you adopt this child and give it a home in that environment it will do more damage than good

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OfflineThey
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Registered: 10/23/16
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23796674 - 11/03/16 04:11 AM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Things have gotten stale.




Dude, you've open fantastic possibilities by making this thread, IF you know how to use them.

THere is a thing that we can do, a game we can play between ourselves, that sparks and triggers the joy of life and attraction once more, but (here's the kicker) it's not predictable. The game just triggers strong emotions, AS THEY ARE, and you can well end up quitting a relationship, as well as strengthening it. One thing you can bet is it won't be stale anymore, that water will flow and do its thing, express what there is to express, and what's solid will stay standing and grow, what's weak and broken will be washed away, leaving place for the new.

Either way, the old and stale will be gone.




Water that flows never grows stale. Be water my friend :nyan: :laugh:

Quote:

a child that I have meh sex with



:pedobearpancakes: :lol:

Sounds to me like she's a taker at this time, she's taking and not returning that awesome energy back. I mean this in a technical and precise way, people do this by putting attention elsewhere, staying eyes-open looking away instead of eyes-closed letting passion build and then transmitting it into you through hands and fingers. This is perfectly normal, the woman testing your attention and willingness to discipline her properly, as opposed to letting it slide, being polite and having your energy wasted like this.

The game fixes this, if you start playing it more and playing it right, sincerely, all the way.

What's happening here is that you have to rekindle the chase instinct (in both of you). THis is done by playing the bird distance game, and proper tactile energy transfers between you. It in no way guarantees that you two will get back together, but it guarantees that the truth in your hearts will be shown, and you'll get what you need here, the truth coming out (for better or worse) without you wasting another decade, or being a shit parent to that child.

Oh, question, do either of you drink alcohol or smoke cigs? Those are major disruptors of the energy flows of the bird game, making everything grind to a halt.

The point is that most of the bird game is non-verbal. It is played with distance (physical and emotional distance) from each other, eye contact and tactile contact.

When angry at each other, don't express this verbally, express it in a tactile fashion. Poke some ribs, bite a shoulder lightly, slap that ass. This triggers the game, makes things spark and sparkle again. You can in one day trigger this stuff, if you keep playing the game.

Example: She says or does something, or fails to do that, and you feel annoyed. Don't verbally express this. Go to her and poke her. She'll likely verbally ask "what was that?" or some other form of verbalizing. This is her attempt to instinctively break the bird game (which is fun but risky) and get you back into the verbal human game (which is safe but oh so boring).

Refuse to give in. Don't talk. Don't verbalize. Don't answer in any verbal way. Answer however it comes to you, you can laugh and giggle and run away. Or poke or tickle her and THEN run away, saying nothing. Be prepared for the "What's gotten into you?" (implying loss of control, being at the mercy of forces outside). Imply (as I do, by pantomime) that it is in fact a fun little devil (see my avatar picture) :lol:

Maybe explain to her beforehand that you have a few new things to try out and they involve non-verbal expression. Be clear and upfront about this beforehand, but then as soon as things get more interesting and serious, do it, DO NOT get dragged back down into the human verbal game. Let those energies fly as they may :smile:

A more active and controlled exercise between you, is this: Sit somewhere facing each other. Eyes closed, finger touching. STart with fingertips, and just focus on the area of contact. Do this for many minutes, see where it leads. Be very clear that

1. Eyes are not to be opened
2. No talking
3. Scratching, poking and doing nasty things when annoyed, is perfectly OK. You guys need to let out that resentment and pent up anger boredom and frustration, and the game WILL cleanse it, if you play it.

If you just the play the game nice and connect, stroke fingers nicely, play with hands, be attentive with each other, then the game will also fix the affection issues there without any violence, by simple resonance, flow of electrons, affection, caring, fun, the fact that you DO like each other, else you wouldn't have put over a decade of mileage in.

Do this exercise with her and you will see that she's likely to
- interrupt it by talking
- interrupt it by opening eyes
- interrupt it by "forgetting" to breathe and going inside her head (her fingers will feel limp, like she's "not there" and at this point she's just stealing voltage from you. when this happens you'll feel angry, which is when you should squeeze a finger, stick nails in her, do something to "snap her out of it", get her attention back here and also release the anger / frustration she's caused. If she speaks and verbalizes as a result of the scratch, persist in this, remind her to eyes closed, no talking, if angry she is to slap and scratch and squeeze your fingers back, express in tactile fashion.

Please keep all other electric contact to a minimum, that is no touching knees, legs and such. Make closed eyes electric contact on a small surface between you two (fingers, palms of hands) and really put attention on the contact surface, feeling the other through it.

Do this stuff, you will benefit immensely and have fresh new spark in your relationship. Most humans waste this by excessive verbalizing or staying eyes open, letting it all dispel away, when it's in fact the most precious energy we have to connect and play with.

Also, take some time to draw together, on one page. Open ended, not draw something specific but draw "whatever comes". Do this, post the doodles here (or PM) for analysis and much shall be revealed, as the subconscious of both expresses itself while drawing.

Good call man, to realize it's not worth it fucking up a kid. I say this is fixable, just play the bird game, you'll dispel the tension / boredom / annoyance now between you, and will resume normal affectionate couple dynamics.

Have you two ever tripped together? A little shrooms will help the bird game along like magic :smile:

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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: When to throw in the towel. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #23802179 - 11/04/16 11:39 PM (7 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
So a new development: We are adopting a newborn baby. We have had the child for a month and had our 1st post child fight. Same old stuff.

So things are different now. This child will see our relationship as "normal" and emulate it in it's future relationships. I was OK with possibly wasting my life on this. I'm not ok with causing harm to this child.

I can still end the adoption and go our separate ways. But is that really what's best for our son? We are for the most part good people. If I end this, he could very well end up going to a home far worse. I've scheduled some counseling sessions. This is bigger than just my life now. I can't fuck this up. If we can't work this out in the next few weeks I may cancel the adoption process which will absolutely kill me as I love this child....which is why I will do what's best for him even if it hurts me.




Yes dude I am 10 kinds of fucked up from having parents that loved me but not each other and stayed together just for the kids. They're good people. I love them. But they couldn't deal with their issues and hung each other up in them and eventually manifested into severe depression, medication, and drug abuse.

I think my mom is developing early onset dementia from drug abuse and it's fucking heartwrenching to see what their ignorant good intentions have done. Like I can barely even talk to her anymore because her perception is so messed up she can't comprehend what I'm saying most of the time, or thinks I'm accusing her of being a horrible person when I'm trying to help her.

A big reason I'm on medication myself is because of them and their relapse. I could go on but I'd rather not, not my thread, but they didn't develop drug issues till I was an adult. What messed me up when I was young was the constant fighting, frustration, negativity, depression, and subsequent neglect.


If you can't work on a change with her, by working on yourself and how you communicate with her, then make the change of leaving her. Don't raise a child out of a toxic relationship.

Having a child will strain your relationship, not fix it. Please don't.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:

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