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OnlineNorthernerM
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Breaking the cycle. Alcoholism, substance dependance and depression.
    #23341866 - 06/14/16 01:02 AM (7 years, 7 months ago)

Just to vent some stuff, maybe get some other opinions.

So when I was growing up my father was alcoholic. When he and my mother were together things could get a bit hairy but he was mostly emotionally abusive and not physically abusive. Obviously I was a pretty unhappy kid, pretty disturbed and unpopular at school. Around age 11 my parents split up. Initially I lived with my Mum, but she was nuts so I went to live with my Dad, he was drunk so I went back to my Mum. The time with my father was spent at the pub, the time with my mother was spent cooped up at home. No brothers or sisters. It went back and forth like this for years until I got to about 15 and just gave in and left home. At this stage I was ready to derail. I was smoking weed and shooting heroin and speed. I was a professional thief to support myself, there were no other opportunities to make money and I didn't know about real life. I was a big smart baby in the world, living in a fantasy. I was crafty as fuck and totally out of control. Totally out of control.

About a year later I had a psychotic break from overdoing amphetamines and ended up going back to stay with my mother. I kinda limped along smoking weed finished my year 10 education. Whilst there I met another guy who was real similar to me. Clever as a clock and a total drug fiend. We were the only two people in that bridging course who weren't there because we were dumb, just because our lives were fucked up. Sure enough we started committing crime to pay for drugs and I got totally out of control, again. I was an excellent thief with great connects, a fucking menace to societies possessions. I never committed any violent crimes, but the stuff I used to steal. It was just outrageous. Rinse and repeat for 2 years.

When I was 18 my mother moved to South Africa (from Australia) and I went with her. I found work there and got into the rave scene. Drugs, drugs and more drugs.

When I was 20 I moved to the UK. This is when I had my first round of severe depression. I had seriously overdone the ecstasy in South Africa and now it came to bite me in the ass. For 3 months I didn't smile inside. Very dark days. And then again another 3 months to be able to properly engage other people and enjoy myself. Finally I came right and got a job. In these years I had become a very proficient musician and DJ and the UK scene was just waiting for me. In came the drugs and insanity again. Rinse and repeat for 2 years.

I went to Europe, I lived in Switzerland for 2 years. More drugs and parties.

I went back to South Africa, studied to be a sound engineer and then started working in media. I was still djing also and the drugs just got out of control. I didn't pay to go in clubs, I didn't pay for drugs anymore, I was well known and life was too easy. I did this for 6 years.

Then my girlfriend got pregnant.

I realised that if I was going to be a father there was no way I was going to be able to do it with any semblance of responsibility in Johannesburg, so I brought my girl and my new baby to Australia. I initially went into media because that's where I could make good money, but then I realised the drugs were in media in Australia too so I chucked that in. So I became a professional fisherman. I know, the contrast is outrageous. I don't ever do anything by halves. Fishing was great and the money was good and I had no drugs, I was very depressed. So stupid thing of stupid things to do, I started drinking. I was 30 at this stage.

I fished for a few years and the drinking got worse and worse. I traveled around Australia in a bus I bought getting pissed at every town and every leg of the journey. I had 3 kids by this stage. Eventually I was kinda washed up and didn't know what to do. The depression was destroying me, this was coupled with the alcohol abuse... So I went to see a doctor. He stuck me full of all sorts of drugs that just totally fucked me up. It was the darkest year of my life. I stopped taking the meds and took a degree in IT.

Still drinking all the while.

I've been working in IT for a few years now. My kids are at school and I live in a beautiful little town in the rainforest. Life would seem ideal from outside looking in at me. But I suffer from depression. So I've kept drinking because it's been the only drug available to me, besides LSD. It's a fucking inner turmoil of what I want compromised by my substance need. I could drop alcohol and replace it with almost any better drug. But there always has to be something. Sobriety is something I have not known for over 25 years now.

The month before last I went to bed and my heart felt like a brick in a tumble dryer, there was something wrong.

I went to the doctor and through several misdiagnoses I finally found a competent cardiologist and took his advice. Stop drinking, stop coffee, stop chocolate, meditate and exercise more. Within a fortnight the brick in the tumble dryer in my chest stopped. I'm ok. But now I'm in a funny situation.

Sobriety.

I dunno what the fuck to do. I don't know how to socialise whilst sober. I'm depressed and confused. I'm fighting compulsion all the time. I'm remembering my life and I'm filled with regret in one moment, and then thankful in the next. I had a relapse a couple weeks ago whilst camping with friends. There was some drinks going around and once I started I just could not stop. Totally smashed myself. The depression the next week was crushing.

So here I am. I can't drink, I need a life but yet I already have one. I'm not stable enough that I would take LSD now, that doesn't feel safe, there'll be no revelations coming from that for me. It just is. I've just started a new career and can't earn enough money to buy a home for my family so I'm stuck renting for now. I'm frustrated and distracted. Half of my mind is in the past and half is in the future. I'm really struggling to get a grip with the present.

Still struggling. I thought I might feel better by writing this out, maybe get some clarity by putting it in words.

How to be clean when I've never been before? Who do I make friends with? I'm not like them.(the sober people) Support groups are boring and depressing, my stories are outrageous and I don't feel comfortable sharing them with small town drunks. They just think I'm a freak, or lying.

Maybe this is an early mid life crisis with compounded by my substance problems and location? I dunno.


--------------------
The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Breaking the cycle. Alcoholism, substance dependance and depression. [Re: Northerner]
    #23345177 - 06/14/16 09:30 PM (7 years, 7 months ago)

Man, we have an awful lot in common Northener, and I really appreciate you sharing your story. It makes me realise that I'm not alone in my struggle with the concept of sobriety.

Like yourself drugs have been a huge part of my life for 18 years, for better or for worse (most often worse, aside of a handful of very enlightening trips on psychedelics). But really, I think I was predisposed to be a drug user as soon as I encountered them at 14. I've always been addicted to changing my state, for thrills and living on the edge. It's been that way since my earliest memories; jumping through the banisters on the stairs, higher and higher each time, looking for a rush. Starting fires, fighting, stealing, getting into dirt bikes, sex, drugs, raves, fast cars, superbikes, etc, etc. It's never ending and if I'm not careful this need to change my state will destroy me.

I watched my wife, the 'One', the person who first brought to my life the knowledge of what true and unconditional love is, slowly lose herself to them (specifically alcohol) to the point where she's now been in rehab for 10 months. Why? Childhood abuse and trauma.

Why am I predisposed to be this way? Same reasons. Childhood stuff. Traumatic memories which have shaped my character in ways which will take most of my life to reshape into what I want them to be, rather than what they are.

Luckily, I've been working with a good therapist for almost a year now; spurred into doing so by watching the love of my life go downhill, gradually becoming a shell of her former self. Like her, I believe I have repressed some of the trauma of my childhood but delving into it in therapy is helping.

In my session this morning I was discussing how best to approach my parents to gain some understanding of what happened back then. I think that getting to the root cause of what caused my propensity to be this way is what will help me to finally overcome them. Otherwise I'll just be resisting for the rest of my life.

But if I can get it to 'click' into place, that understanding, to see it clearly - that is what I believe is the only path to overcome, rather than to avoid my susceptibility to such things.

I know what I want; to be a man of sober meditation that responsibly uses self grown psychedelics a few times a year to gain insight. I have managed to maintain almost this state at the happiest points in my life, but I would always still have a joint before bed, so I could never say that I've been truly sober.

And whenever I've tried to quit my daily cannabis use (twice), something all the worse creeps in; my true weakness - stimulants. I can't have that in my life so I've gone back to the minimum basic intake of a small joint before bed while I keep working to try and figure out the 'why'. But I want with all my heart to be free of this compulsion. To instead meditate, read, exercise like I used to before the dream that was the life I was creating started collapsing around me. I've lost everything; wife, dog, house, gym, belief in or ability to handle my job, faith in the human race and any desire at all to stay in the country of my birth.

I too, am more often frustrated and distracted than I have ever known. Compounded by loneliness due to frequent bouts of depression. However I have also seen the light of my potential - connection to the 'source' (or universe or god or whatever) by living in a way that is filled with unconditional love and respect - for myself and others.

And drugs only take away from that. On my first ever meditation retreat recently I was blown away by the power of more disciplined, directed mediation compared to what I manage amongst my daily life. I managed to maintain sobriety for 14 days afterwards before reaching for the amph's. A week of abuse later I weaned myself off and back to a single joint a day.

I think the key to getting through this, for me at least, is learning how to remain profoundly happy with my own state and my own company, instead of trying to control and change it. As long as the trauma of my childhood lurks unresolved deep in my soul I don't know if I could ever sustain this though. Time will tell, and I'm certainly not one for giving up the fight.

I'll be happy to share with you any revelations, and would be grateful if you did too - as you know I'm moving to Australia soon so it's worth staying in touch. I too find it hard to get on with, empathise with, or socialise with those who have walked a narrow path in this life. The people that I'm drawn to are those than know, and have been to the extremes in life. Sounds like you and me both brother.

Good luck with it all, and try and crack the key to the meditative state - it took me 4 years to get it, and has been, in all reality, the only true peace I have known outside of getting high. And please keep me updated man.

Sending some love your way. The struggle we face is the right one, of that much I am sure.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineTrippedytrip
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Registered: 09/07/15
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Re: Breaking the cycle. Alcoholism, substance dependance and depression. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23345889 - 06/15/16 03:07 AM (7 years, 7 months ago)

Interesting stories guys ,

Grey

How did you find that meditative state ?
Could you expplain how does it feel like ?
I meditate since 1 year maybe every day.
I can handle with all the stress better and control myself in situations.

Wich is your meditative state?


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