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InvisibleCherryBomM
Yoga Gypsy
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Registered: 12/27/98
Posts: 11,118
Loc: Ontario
Advice?
    #2333947 - 02/14/04 12:39 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

My boyfriend is in Bosnia on a peacekeeping mission. He calls me once or twice a month and sends me emails once in awhile.

I wrote him an email the other day and I accidentally sent it to like 3 people (including him). I went into his hotmail account to re-read the email wondering if I might have embarassed myself in sending other people a personal email.

I found other emails in his inbox from some girl. Aparently they have been writing to each other regularaly throughout his tour. They are looking forward to meeting each other. I'm a little bit hurt that while he has no time to call me or keep in regular contact with me...he sure does seem to have time to write flirtatious emails on a regular basis to this girl who lives about an hour from the town that we live in.

Should I call him on it? I shouldn't have snooped. It was none of my business...but this is MY boy and he's telling this girl about how lonely he is and how he wants her to be HIS valentine and other stupid shit.

Maybe it's harmless flirting....but still! I have her email address, too and I'm tempted to write to her and fill her in on the reality of the situation.

I've been here up on the base for the past 5 months, writing letters, sending parcels, participating in rear-party events and he's spending his time emailing and chatting on MSN with some 19 year old tart who can't even spell.

Should I wait until he gets home to bring it up? Or should I just pack my shit and leave? Maybe I'm blowing the whole thing out of porportion. Maybe he's an asshole. I don't know.

Happy stupid valentines day.


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Offlinelove2zen
Ever walkedoutside w/ oyour pants???

Registered: 02/06/04
Posts: 110
Loc: west coast
Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2334090 - 02/14/04 01:46 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

sorry for the shitty luck, but you did snoop-

Does he know you can access his email account? Have you done this in the past? He might be trying to teach you a lesson, or he is too cowardly to tell you .

as for emailing her, that is a NO_NO. You could end up with more trouble than it's worth.

You can ask him indirectly, ask him "where HE sees the relationship going?" Etc..Make him relize the realness you feel, how seriuos you are. But don't alienate him in the process.

If he dances around the subject> you know something is up.
You know him better than we the viewing audience do.

Goodluck!


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"I don't know karate- but I KNOW CRAZY!!!"-James Brown


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InvisibleMazzyStar
C4LC

Registered: 10/12/03
Posts: 1,426
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2334131 - 02/14/04 01:58 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

i think your best route is to just tell him the truth....say you accidentally sent the email to other people and you wanted to reread it to make sure you weren't embarassing yourself.....especially if he knows you have his password, that shouldn't be that big of a deal. But I would definitely call him on it if i were you!


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Offlineamyloid
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Registered: 03/08/03
Posts: 980
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2334170 - 02/14/04 02:17 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

who cares if you snooped? its not like u went in looking for something to flip your lid about. i dont know him, so i cant tell you what you should do. but imagine the man of your dreams, qualities and what not... now, does this hobo talking to the 19yo fit that image? is he even close? i definitly think you should bring it up, be sure to explain how u found out. and that u just want some answers. personally i would say fuck him, and let him shit all over that 19yo, but im in an anti-love mood on this smoldering trash heap of a day.


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"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest--a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
-Al Einstein


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Invisibledjfrog
omgws!!!1!

Registered: 10/23/00
Posts: 3,710
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2334429 - 02/14/04 03:30 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

holy cow bom that sucks, and it should've never happened to you as you're a sweet person.

I don't really manage relationships well. My response would be to just end things whenever something like that happens. Its a good policy in that I don't waste time on bad relationships. The downfall is, I suppose everyone has their faults, and so I've come to expect most relationships I'm in to end. I'd say get out of the situation, but I really don't know the depth of his relation with this other girl, if its something that justifies ending it.

Don't have one of those talks where you try to get him to fess up but don't tell him what you know. That never works for anything, though its a common tactic. Its a mindgame and will cause more hurt.

Maybe the best thing you can do for now:
- Don't tell him you know about what he's doing, continue watching their emails. You're watching for the sign that things are over. If misses an opportunity to see you in order to see her, thats the sign.
- Apply guilt. Its effective.
- Try to maintain the relationship with him. Don't tell him if you start seeing other people.
- Consider yourself single. Make yourself available if you find someone you like more, and look for someone you like more. Don't be dependent on this guy.

I know that goes against what people are supposed to do in relationships, but you need to watch out for yourself first, because he's not.


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OfflineWildCardsRevenge
Grade Eh Meat
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Registered: 07/18/00
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Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2334492 - 02/14/04 03:41 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I guess it all depends on what they were actually saying.

You do have a right to know, you can't pretend you didn't see anything because it'll only lead to more problems in the future.
Be honest with him, you made a mistake and wanted to see how badly you might have embaressed yourself and you found this.

But otherwise until you can talk to him face to face watch for anymore signs and underlaying messages in his e-mails and letters to you.


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OfflineEkstaza
stranger thanmost
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Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 4,317
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Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2334656 - 02/14/04 04:22 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I spent 8 months in Bosnia and while I was there I witnessed guys doing that kind of thing alot. I didn't condone it then and I still think that it's not healthy for a relationship, but I did realize something about it. Time spent down range was tedious and boring. I spent my time in the gym, others found different outlets to pass the time. I knew a lot of guys that spent their days online chatting with people back in the real world because they wanted talk about things that had nothing to do with their current situation. Meeting new people online is a good way to separate yourself from the present condition you are in. I asked a few guys why they did so much flirting online when they could be talking to loved ones and they said that it was nice to just chat with strangers, that it was innocent fun that wouldn't ever lead to anything. Some of them talked about meeting up with people but told everyone at camp that it was all just bullshit. It sucks that you had to find out about it the way you did, but keep in mind that it could be nothing big at all. At the same time it is something that you might want to investigate further in order to find out where you stand in your boyfriends life. Maybe you should focus your conversations with him on your relationship and let him know that you feel neglected. I hope you find that your worries are unfounded.


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YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH ANY GIVEN DRUG ISN'T THE DEFINITIVE MEASURE OF THE DRUGS EFFECTS.


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InvisibleFreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/06/02
Posts: 19,058
Loc: Toronto Canada Flag
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2334793 - 02/14/04 05:26 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Bom: Confront him on it. You deserve much better than to have your boi sneaking around behind your back even if it is just via email. i'm truly sorry this happened right on Valentines day :frown: try and have a happy one regardless, :wink: btw: Happy Valentines day  :heart:


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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"



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Invisibledjfrog
omgws!!!1!

Registered: 10/23/00
Posts: 3,710
Re: Advice? [Re: FreakQlibrium]
    #2334830 - 02/14/04 05:41 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I misread this at first. I thought they'd already knew/met each other. If its just an online thing then it would likely blow over. Ekstaza probably has the best perspective on it. I'd still spy on the guy though, don't let him know so he uses the same account.


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InvisibleFreakQlibrium
Son of Uncle Meat
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Registered: 06/06/02
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Re: Advice? [Re: djfrog]
    #2334845 - 02/14/04 05:46 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I have to respectfully disagree man. I don't think Bom would relish the ongoing thing of charting the "progress" of this particular relationship via discreet email"snooping", i suspect she wants her answers right in the here and NOW,as IMO she should and is entitled. i still say it's better to get it all out in the open right now that carry out the drama to some indeterminant future date......


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"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"



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InvisibleJared
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Registered: 04/23/01
Posts: 8,783
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2335270 - 02/14/04 08:12 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I'm gonna have to go with my regular answer.

Just tell it exactly how it happened, and exactly how it is.

Explain to him exactly what you just did to us, how you sent the email to several people accidently, and wanted to read what you had written to see if it was emberassing or not, and that the only way you could think of to do that was to check his email.. and that you noticed all the emails from this girl, and that you want to know what its about. Ignoring what you've seen, and pretending that you didn't see anything or any other indirect means is just more deceit, and builds on his secrets.. pretty soon you could have a big twisted jenga tower going on.. and everyone knows how those end up =P

Disclaimer: This advice comes from Jared, and so should not be considered fit in any way, shape, or form.


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InvisibleCherryBomM
Yoga Gypsy
Female User Gallery

Registered: 12/27/98
Posts: 11,118
Loc: Ontario
Re: Advice? [Re: Jared]
    #2336123 - 02/15/04 03:08 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

I can't say anything until he gets home. I have to pretend that everything is gravy and deal with it. I'm not interested in whatever other information is available to me...I really don't want to know...but now I do.

I will confront him when I see him face to face. One more month. I guess nothing is what it seems. Maybe no one is what they seem to be...even me.

G'nite.


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OfflineWildCardsRevenge
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Registered: 07/18/00
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Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2336496 - 02/15/04 05:17 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

don't lose faith in people bom, I've seen too many people loose the faith and become bitter. Myself included, only recentlly have I started to change my ways and its for the best.

Love like you've never been hurt
Live like its your last day
Never stop hoping and dreaming
and always be one joke away from a smile


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/24/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2336653 - 02/15/04 09:31 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Should I call him on it?




Oh i dunno. First call him on it, and then after that then tell him about the guy you met at the disco club several months ago when he was at work (didn't something like that happen?).

Anyways, why don't you just let the dude go already, and fry a different fish.

Why even "call him on it", that would be rude (in my opinion) because (unless you have already told him about the guy you met on ecstasy at the club that one night and he is fine with it) sometimes people just have a second-sense (that they don't even realize) when their partner had cheated and lied (snuck around and hid things) anyways.

You can always just pop a few tabs of X and go to the club again, ya seem to hook up easily there; and whats the point of stringing a relationship along when karma is just going to ruin it for you anyways, in the long-run. Sounds like a good-man you have though.

Keep shroomin,
GG


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OfflineGillette
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Registered: 01/11/99
Posts: 4,053
Last seen: 2 months, 30 days
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2336913 - 02/15/04 11:51 AM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Hey I still luv ya!!!! right to the bitter bitter end.

hmmmm well....you know what I'm gonna say, your leaving, you know that. What he's doing sucks and its stupid. But sometimes boys are stupid, really stupid and they have no idea what their doing or what their fucking up. Actually maybe I'll tell you this in person.....seeing as I have an awful lot of insight right here......Really look at it like this tho, your leaving, so do you want a big blow-out in the end or to just leave? However I do know the benefits to both. But for now, stay outta he's little "I'm gonna play a girls game" emails, you don't need to see that, why hurt yourself?


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~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.


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InvisibleElise
Inner Being

Registered: 01/15/03
Posts: 538
Loc: Ohio
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2336935 - 02/15/04 12:04 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Im sorry to hear that this happened. I would definately call him on it. Like said before just tell him how it happened. Whatever he has to say is still no excuse for him doing this. To me it is wrong what he is doing and should not be done if he has a gf. I dont care how innocent it looks, which isn't very innocent if they are planning on meeting at some point, it is just wrong. See what he has to say and decide from that point whether you should leave, but don't pack up right away bc this is something that can be worked out if both parties are willing.

Good luck.


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/24/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2338022 - 02/15/04 05:49 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

One more month. 




Well i guess that gives you a month of planning how to hurt the guys feelings in the worst ways possible. Are you still going to corrospond with him and act like you're not going to dump him the second he gets home from the military? :smile:

I think you might be blowing this out of proportion.
-The guy is in the military and he is typing letters to some other girl on the computer, so what; ; ; have you ever asked him if he has any penpal friends on the computer other than you? do you ever talk with other guys on the computer?
-Has the guy ever been to the shroomery to read your post about your night of passion on exstasy with some-guy from a Club?

I mean, i don't see the big deal, unless he actually meets up with the girl.

Also, it doesn't sound like the two of you corrospond too often, he has access to a computer everyday right? does he email you or call you every day or at least every-other day?

-Doesn't really sound like he is cheating on you, unless he actually meets up with the person.
--'F*ckin lonely on a boat. It's not like he can just walk off the boat anytime and eat some exstacy and meet somebody to have sex with for the night and not tell you about it. ?

:smile:I'm onto you Cherrybomb.

Are you going to even attempt to dump him in a semi-nice way, or are you just going to try and make the guy as miserable and as worthless as you possibly can within your womenly-bounds of virtually limitless ways of hurting a mans feelings.?

Quote:

Maybe no one is what they seem to be...even me.




-Maybe you're right, maybe-so and-maybe-not.

--My advice to you (if you're even reading :grin:) would be to try your damndest to just not be the women who one minute loves a guy-alot and then turns around just to be as hurtful as possible (isn't that part of breaking up?).

Anyways, i hate valentines day.

I think that it is kinda of shystee to "wait" a month.
-Because the guy doesnt even know what is coming at him.
--You are setting yourself up for a karmic-explosion within the yin and the yang of male/female relationships (imo).

You are also setting Him up to be hurt, and why, because he chats on a computer with a 19year old girl?
-Waiting a month is going to make it all explode in his face, 100X's more than it will in yours. Which isn't exactly nice. Would you want him to do that to you, just as you might feel the need to do it to him?

You'll probably have a new man lined up and ready to go by the time he gets home, you're giving yourself a month in advance, why don't you just give him the month also..the guy is coming back from the service just to be dumped on for chatting with someone on the computer!? He's in Bosnia for christs sake! Give the guy a little bit of slack. Give him more space on this issue.

Hm, i'm horrible with this stuff.

If i was him i would want you to mention it to me. Otherwise it will just stew around inside of you, and it will spill-over onto him.

Keep shroomin,
GG :heartpump: :heartpump: :heartpump: :heartpump:


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OfflinetrendalM
King of Asides
Male User Gallery

Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 20,151
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Last seen: 8 hours, 42 minutes
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2338090 - 02/15/04 06:13 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

That sucks, Bom :frown:

Call him on it, and tell him the truth.

In my experience, that's the only way things will work out. If you ignore it, it'll come back to haunt you later. If you lie about it, you're really no better than he is.

So tell him what happened, and as him WHAT THE FUCK IS UP!

Valentine's day is just a stupid corporated spending excuse, anyway :wink:


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BTC - 1KqrSHZ1C3NsQP4g3PkHhppBnhdgyXr6sB


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InvisibleCherryBomM
Yoga Gypsy
Female User Gallery

Registered: 12/27/98
Posts: 11,118
Loc: Ontario
Re: Advice? [Re: GGreatOne234]
    #2338967 - 02/15/04 11:04 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

GGreatOne234 said:
Quote:

Should I call him on it?




Oh i dunno. First call him on it, and then after that then tell him about the guy you met at the disco club several months ago when he was at work (didn't something like that happen?).






Your perception is infalliable. That was a fictional story. Made up. Not real. Thanks, however, for your input, you dumb tool.

Someone's a little bitter, hmmmm?


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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/24/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: Advice? [Re: CherryBom]
    #2341553 - 02/16/04 04:15 PM (13 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Thanks, however, for your input, you dumb tool.

Someone's a little bitter, hmmmm?






:smile: Yeah, Someone is bitter, I know that i am.. are you?

Sorry for being a "Dumb Tool". :smile:

Keep on shroomin, If you dare,
GGreatOne234


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