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Anonymous #1
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My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it.
#23291636 - 05/31/16 10:28 AM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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To give some backstory, I met my boyfriend online. He lives in Australia and I am from the U.S. After a long time of talking on the phone every night, Skype and Facebook messenger, I decided to sell my car and come here.
He was very open from the beginning that he is autistic. It was never something he tried to hide from me. I'm a very patient and caring person and I know he sensed that I would never judge him, even from as far away as I was.
It never came out on the phone. To me, he seemed absolutely fine. He's weird, yes. He has some habits that I don't understand (like he memorizes every license plate he sees more than once). But he never seemed to be the stereotype at all.
Since I've gotten here, it's become very obvious. He acts fine most of the time, but there are things that have happened that have me very concerned. Just the other day, we were in the car and nothing was really on the radio so I suggested plugging his phone in. Normally, I would plug in mine but I had recently deleted all my music to save space. He freaked out at the mere thought of me looking through his music collection and pulled over and told me to get out of the car. We were in the middle of nowhere and he drove off for like 20 minutes and came back. Later that night, he broke down in tears and started hitting himself in the head as "punishment".
This is just one example and I've never had to deal with this kind of thing before so I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to leave him, I love him unconditionally, but I'm not sure how to cope with this kind of thing. Do I try to help him when he's freaking out or do I leave him alone? I don't know.
Does anyone else have any experience or insight they can give me? I would really appreciate it. I need someone to talk to. I don't know anyone here yet so I'm dealing with this on my own as of right now with no escape or outlet. I don't regret coming here but I also have my hands full as it seems.
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micro
bunbun has a gungun



Registered: 05/09/03
Posts: 7,532
Loc: Brick City
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23291666 - 05/31/16 10:36 AM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Have you tried talking with him about it? Freaking out is one thing, leaving you stranded is another. Ask him what *he* thinks you should do in that case, and no.. hitting him is not an option. Lol
It'll get easier as time goes on, but he will never be quite normal and you have to realize this. Now you know to stay away from his phone but maybe he can tell you if anything else bothers him and not get that freaked out about it.
You're doing a good thing and TBH I think it can be kinda cute. People like that are shy and he needs you but the hardest thing is it'll never quite seem like that is the case. (even though it is)
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: micro]
#23291715 - 05/31/16 10:53 AM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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I've tried talking to him but sometimes it's actually like I'm talking to a child. It's like he doesn't comprehend what I'm saying. I suggested therapy to him since he hasn't been in a few years and he scheduled an appointment in which he ditched.
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micro
bunbun has a gungun



Registered: 05/09/03
Posts: 7,532
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23291814 - 05/31/16 11:18 AM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Okay, so it sounds like he has full blown Autism and not like ASD >.<
That's going to be difficult but I also admire you for it.
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Nitrous Monkey
selftitled



Registered: 09/21/12
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Loc: USA
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: micro]
#23292392 - 05/31/16 02:12 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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If your boyfriend is this autistic why the fuck is he driving in the first place.
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automan
blasted chipmunk


Registered: 09/18/03
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: Anonymous #1] 7
#23292451 - 05/31/16 02:28 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Micro has given excellent advice.
Since he's let you into his world, know that he already loves you completely. You are doing a wonderful thing. When he gets into what I call a "loop", you have to let it run it's course, but then you need to tell him that he was stuck in a loop and that you are going to help him identify those in the future. You also need to set boundaries with him. When he's done something wrong, you need to come back to him later and tell him that what he did was not ok. It was not ok for him to leave you on the side of the road and he needs to understand that. It's not ok that he hit himself (or anyone else). Most autistic people need rules to follow.
My son is autistic and my #1 hope for him is that he has the ability and chance to experience adult love and adult relationships. If you can set up boundaries and rules that he knows to follow, he'll be the most loyal person that you will ever meet.
-------------------- No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr
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Aldous
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#23293104 - 05/31/16 05:25 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: I've tried talking to him but sometimes it's actually like I'm talking to a child. It's like he doesn't comprehend what I'm saying. I suggested therapy to him since he hasn't been in a few years and he scheduled an appointment in which he ditched.
Has he ever had any specialist therapy before, or was it just 'conventional' therapy? Autistic people need specialist care, and if he has a good therapist specialized in autism, you might actually learn a great deal from his therapist. My son's autistic too, and we found a great therapist who happens to have an autistic son as well. She didn't cure him from autism, that's never going to happen, but she gave him long sessions in which we were present, and it meant the world to us. It helped us learn to deal with our kid, and even though he's still autistic, his symptoms have been dramatically reduced (I must clarify he has a mild Asperger's syndrome).
Apart from that, good advice has already been given. Talking is very important IMO, you need to show compassion, but you cannot let him get away with hurting you, and he's able to understand that.
On another note, and I don't mean this as an encouragement to start experimenting on your own, but I found this interview to be quite interesting: http://www.stichtingopen.nl/alicia-danforth-exploring-the-potential-of-mdma-assisted-therapy-to-help-autistic-adults-navigate-the-social-world/ Just goes to show there are new therapeutic avenues underway.
Strength and patience to you.
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Masked
The Nutter



Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: automan]
#23293340 - 05/31/16 06:24 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
automan said: Micro has given excellent advice.
Since he's let you into his world, know that he already loves you completely. You are doing a wonderful thing. When he gets into what I call a "loop", you have to let it run it's course, but then you need to tell him that he was stuck in a loop and that you are going to help him identify those in the future. You also need to set boundaries with him. When he's done something wrong, you need to come back to him later and tell him that what he did was not ok. It was not ok for him to leave you on the side of the road and he needs to understand that. It's not ok that he hit himself (or anyone else). Most autistic people need rules to follow.
My son is autistic and my #1 hope for him is that he has the ability and chance to experience adult love and adult relationships. If you can set up boundaries and rules that he knows to follow, he'll be the most loyal person that you will ever meet.
Great advice. My son is also autistic
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California
A E S T H E T I C S A T A N


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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: automan]
#23293439 - 05/31/16 06:50 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
automan said: Most autistic people need rules to follow.
Most people need rules to follow. That is kind of exactly why we have rules here at the shroomery, and speed limits on the road.
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vandago



Registered: 07/07/04
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: Nitrous Monkey] 1
#23293452 - 05/31/16 06:54 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Nitrous Monkey said: If your boyfriend is this autistic why the fuck is he driving in the first place. 
Autism doesnt prevent you from driving a car lol.
Op does he stim? Look up "stimming" for autism. Just 20 minutes a day could really change his overall functioning. Also does he exercise and eat right? Watch his diet, try to figure out on the days he loses his shit, what he ate. With autism something as little as too much of a food group can hinder him. Check into aryuvedic diets.
I have aspergers. I used to bang my head a lot and Id have a black eye from myself at least once a month. Since I changed my diet, started hitting weights, started playing multiple instruments, and focused on the things that trigger it ( a counselor helped with a ton of this ) have saved my life. I do take benzos prescribed on and off, but only when my life gets unmanageable and Im hardly functioning.
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micro
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Registered: 05/09/03
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: vandago]
#23293539 - 05/31/16 07:21 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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vandago said: With autism something as little as too much of a food group can hinder him.
[citation needed]
actually, no... it's not needed
there is no reason this should happen unless he is eating something very weird
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: Nitrous Monkey] 1
#23293546 - 05/31/16 07:23 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Nitrous Monkey said: If your boyfriend is this autistic why the fuck is he driving in the first place. 
That was a silly thing to say.
I would say yes low spectrum but he's higher than Aspergers level. If that makes sense. He's in a management position at one of his jobs. He's very intelligent and very good at seeming like a totally normal guy until he gets home. When we go out, it's like he flipped a switch and the autism goes away. I'm sure this is a carefully crafted skill that has been developed over many years.
I'm a vegan so since I've been here, he has been on a mostly vegan diet my his own choice. I told him I'm not here to stop him from living his life. When we go out, he still eats meat and dairy and he buys tuna and stuff like that to take with him to work but I would say thanks to me he's been a vegan 80% of the last 3 months.
He does so stimming but it's verbal. He very very quietly beat boxes a lot. Or if he hears something funny or a phrase that he particularly liked, he says it over and over.
I've told him when he's doing things that are "inappropriate" and I've tried to set boundaries, but it's so hard. It's like he doesn't get it. Sometimes it's like I'm talking to a wall. The autism really comes out when he gets angry. He says things that don't even make sense. He tells me that everything is my fault and that I don't love him. It's really hard because it's like I'm with two people. I'm with normal boyfriend part of the time and then autistic boyfriend the other part of the time. It's not like either one is consistent enough for me to get used to being around.
As for therapy, I have no idea but I'm pretty sure he went to a specialist. But he grew up in Tasmania where there weren't as many options and so since he's on the mainland now I would like for him to go again but he refused .
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vandago



Registered: 07/07/04
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Loc: .
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: micro]
#23293591 - 05/31/16 07:33 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
micro said:
Quote:
vandago said: With autism something as little as too much of a food group can hinder him.
[citation needed]
actually, no... it's not needed
there is no reason this should happen unless he is eating something very weird
Look into it. Something as simple as a pepper could be irritating him far more than he could know. Too much sugar. Too much caffeine. Not enough veggies.
Trust me, I deal with it daily. At my worst all I eat is ice cream, pickles, pretzels, and pizza.
It drives me insane to eat like that.
Even without weights, drums, counseling, meds, and stimming, just a balanced diet will prevent me from going over board.
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micro
bunbun has a gungun



Registered: 05/09/03
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: vandago]
#23293918 - 05/31/16 09:11 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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That makes no sense. Piperine is nociceptive and has nothing to do with the CNS. Sugar might be a problem if we were talking about diabetes, but we aren't. The rest is just speculative nonsense and again, just... no
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vandago



Registered: 07/07/04
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: micro] 1
#23293937 - 05/31/16 09:17 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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You clearly have a misunderstanding on how diets effect the way we function.
Also, people have allergies that do different things. Certain foods trigger IBS in me, which greatly effects how I function, or if I even function.
Just yes. I've been dealing with aspergers my entire life. I know what works for me, and its taken 25 years just to come close to a normal life, and the last 5 have had some major ups and downs. The downs mainly being when I do something I know effects me poorly....like drink milk....
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vandago



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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: vandago] 1
#23293949 - 05/31/16 09:19 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Certain peppers make me extremely uncomfortable. If I even see mustard I have a panic attack, let alone eat it.
Autism is a lot more than the CNS. Its something we are still learning more about daily.
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micro
bunbun has a gungun



Registered: 05/09/03
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: vandago]
#23293964 - 05/31/16 09:25 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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I'm not the one making ridiculous assertions. Mustard gives you a panic attack and other things give you IBS. Well great, that isn't going to apply for people with autism in general because they have nothing to do with one another.
Also, yes Autism is the CNS. What the fuck do you think it's a peripheral issue? The fact that we don't understand 100% of something doesn't mean you can arbitrarily assign a cause or effect and expect it to be true.
Why am I even arguing this ridiculous nonsense.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: micro] 1
#23293979 - 05/31/16 09:29 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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I didn't mean to cause a debate lol
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Masked
The Nutter



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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: micro] 3
#23293998 - 05/31/16 09:34 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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He's trying to say that diet, foods, colours, textures, chemical makeup....everything can possibly effect an autistic person in ways that you obviously can't understand
My son is on the spectrum and his entire day can be heavily effected by what's on his plate
Stop talking out of your ass like some know it all
He was offering suggestions that could improve the quality of this autistic person's life. And they are very sound and reasonable opinions and suggestions
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vandago



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Re: My boyfriend has autism and I don't know how to deal with it. [Re: micro] 1
#23294001 - 05/31/16 09:35 PM (7 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
micro said: I'm not the one making ridiculous assertions. Mustard gives you a panic attack and other things give you IBS. Well great, that isn't going to apply for people with autism in general because they have nothing to do with one another.
Also, yes Autism is the CNS. What the fuck do you think it's a peripheral issue? The fact that we don't understand 100% of something doesn't mean you can arbitrarily assign a cause or effect and expect it to be true.
Why am I even arguing this ridiculous nonsense.
Its not ridiculous nonsense in the slightest. I have no allergies to mustard. It bothers the fuck out of me It took years before my food could touch on my plate, or I could dress up a hamburger. These are common traits of autism. Autism effects the cns, but I cant even begin to explain how overbearing the smallest thing can be to me, and anyone else I know with autism aspergers. Food plays a huge role in the way we function day to day. We have little control over things that are going on 1000 mph in our brain. "Prevention before intervention" is a quote anyone who struggles with the syndrome should live by. Find the right combination of things that work for the individual and dont work and manipulate a daily, weekly, monthly...lifelong...map to live by so you avoid over stimulation and self induced trauma.
Do you or anyone you know have autism?
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