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Doc9151
Mycologist



Registered: 02/23/17
Posts: 13,753
Loc: Gulf Coast USA
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Yonatin]
#26099273 - 07/09/19 09:56 PM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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It is not going to matter if the doctor increases your medication or changes you to a different, you are and will always be chasing the high. You will increase dosage to the point they cut you off or you just can't get more and I swear on my soul this is only going to get worse for you, to the point where you will start robbing and stealing to support your habit or you over dose and die.
You see, I know you, never met you before but I know you. That high has made you feel better than you ever have and you want to keep it. Thing is, the meds will turn on you after a while, they wont work as good or you start think shit like " man, 2 was fucking awesome, I bet 3 is the bomb", then you start running out earlier and earlier, next thing you know you're lying to the doc to get more, reporting false crimes to the police to get early refills and next thing you know you're doctor cuts you off and you go to the street (if you're not already).
Sounds like you have not really experienced any real withdrawal symptoms, quit while you're ahead, it gets worse each time and the higher you dose. I started with panic like attacks at first, but now I become nearly suicidal because the symptoms have become so much worse than when I first started. I'm praying for you, I mean it, hope you can get away and learn to live with the pain. Get a weed card if can and use that over opioids, it does help, wish it would have been available when I first got sick (legal wise, not weed). If I could have legally used marijuana I would like to think that I would not be where I am today. PM me if you want my number and we can talk about it, you have an opportunity to get shit straight.
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Yonatin


Registered: 09/05/17
Posts: 654
Loc:
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Doc9151]
#26099805 - 07/10/19 09:14 AM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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I agree with Doc, he is saying almost everything that has happened to me or I've done at one point in time to get high. I don't know how many you get a month but you said it's the minimum, so that only means it gets worse if you continue and get an upped dose. Weed is the way to go, I personally feel I couldn't have gotten through month long withdrawals if it weren't for weed. If you need help we are here to help.
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mndfreeze 
Shroomery Secret Service




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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Yonatin]
#26099955 - 07/10/19 10:15 AM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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There have been a lot of studies done recently with the opiate crisis going on that show long term opiates don't work for chronic pain anyway. Eventually your body gets to a point where the side effects outweigh any sort of pain relief. You will never be 100% pain free with chronic pain. You have to learn to manage other ways. Opiates are best for short term things like surgery and such.
-------------------- Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus! quote]Urb said: I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
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Doc9151
Mycologist



Registered: 02/23/17
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Loc: Gulf Coast USA
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: mndfreeze]
#26102206 - 07/11/19 12:31 PM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
mndfreeze said: There have been a lot of studies done recently with the opiate crisis going on that show long term opiates don't work for chronic pain anyway. Eventually your body gets to a point where the side effects outweigh any sort of pain relief. You will never be 100% pain free with chronic pain. You have to learn to manage other ways. Opiates are best for short term things like surgery and such.
I agree, even then it should be limited to the acute phase. Trying to live pain free Using opioids has led me to a nightmare.
@yonatin You said something about what I get a month:
When I was transferred from short acting to long acting pain meds, I was first put on oxycontin 140mg 4 times a day, but it only lasted 6hrs before I was in full blown withdrawal.
Being that I have background in medicine, I went to see an addictionologist to be evaluated, I wanted to know if my issues were tolerance related or straight up addiction and after several months of study and a diagnosis of a very high tolerance to opioids, I was placed on Methadone 80mg a day and it worked wonders for about 5yrs. Now, I don't know if it was subliminal or what but the addictionologist said it would only last about 5 yrs and he was right.
I didn't know at the time, but 80mg of Methadone a day is the maximum amount doctors will prescribe outside of a methadone clinic (which does not treat pain at all). I dealt with it for as long as I could before looking elsewhere.
Before 2008, I got around the 80mg prescription limit by having 2 doctors (they knew I was seeing them both) and life was great, for a while. Post 2008 and the oxycontin/ doctor shopping crisis is in the news, states start opioid monitoring programs and prosecuting people for getting scripts from more than one doctor, calling it doctor shopping. Needless to say, I was cut back to one doctor and the nightmare began in earnest.
Living with debilitating pain is bad enough, but throw in opiate withdrawal and it's a prescription for suicide. I ended up getting extra medication from people I knew that didn't take all their meds and they didn't charge me for it because they knew my situation.
Well, all those people died off due to their illnesses and I was in a situation where the medication I was prescribed was not lasting for the entire month and I started becoming suicidal and that's when I turned to mushrooms more for medicine than fun and they saved my life in my opinion.
Today, I no longer have a pain management doctor, they didn't help me anyway, now I go to the methadone clinic, so for now withdrawal is not a problem but late afternoon pain is a big issue because I don't have access to medication for me to abuse ( not really abuse, but to take in the afternoon, the clinic only doses once a day).
What do I do:
Just being able to vent my frustrations with my pain to another person (in person or online) or in a journal is good way to get my mind off of it to help me break the cycle of my mind focusing solely on the pain.
Get up and do something, don't use your pain as an excuse to do nothing or shit will only get worse.
Continue every single thing you learned at physical therapy at home to the best of your ability, it's a life long commitment when it comes to chronic issues like pain.
Confront your depression, this where the mushrooms and the occasional LSD ( if I'm lucky enough to find it) comes in handy. I had gotten to the point where I didn't care about my life anymore and I wanted out, psychoactive drugs have helped me see how beautiful my life really is, even with all the bullshit, I could have it so much worse.
I came to the conclusion that I will always have to use some sort of medication to help make life better, I will NEVER be pain free, but I could do things that will make life easier and better for myself and those whom love me. Recognizing this and learning to deal with a certain amount of pain was paramount to me getting a portion of my life back. I had let my illness define me for 10yrs before I woke up and wanted to live again. My strokes , blood clots and other problems led me on journey that had no compass or direction and when opioids were added to the mix I thought I had found my savior but it turned out to be the devil.
Enough about me, get away from the dope, only take it when you have tried everything else and it is a last resort. I wasn't saying in my previous post that I was taking the minimum, I was telling you to only take the minimum, I had to learn it the hard way.
At some point you will find yourself without medication from the doctor, then what will you do? Withdrawal is what Keeps us coming back and it gets worse each time we experience it, soon it gets to the point where you will do stupid shit to get your fix just to feel normal.
In the beginning of our addiction, we chase that feel good high, then one day it all changes and you start chasing the high just to feel normal, you feel like you can't live without it. Get off the train before it's to late and you derail. If you have to go to a methadone clinic or something else it is ok, anything that gets you off the garbage and yes pharmaceutical drugs are garbage just like heroin.
I apologize for the long post, if me sharing my story helps anyone else then I'm glad to do it, I know this nightmare all to well and effects all walks of life.
I'm not always as openly honest as I should be on this subject but I think that's due to the stigma and fear of law enforcement that is attached. So, if you read my post and see I have contradicted myself, that is probably why, sometimes I get paranoid when posting and other times I try to be as open and honest as possible.
--------------------
  Psilocybe cubensis data collection thread. please help with this project if you hunt wild cubensis. https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=26513593&page=0&vc=1#26513593
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,010
Loc: USA
Last seen: 1 day, 5 hours
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Doc9151]
#26103343 - 07/12/19 12:12 AM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Doc9151 said:
Withdrawal is what Keeps us coming back and it gets worse each time we experience it, soon it gets to the point where you will do stupid shit to get your fix just to feel normal.
This is what 12-Step groups and "addictionologists" teach us. Can we break free from their teachings and consider the motivations for our choices are otherwise? Can we be honest about our decisions to use, instead of the withdrawal excuse?
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trvptamine
P-Mx$$



Registered: 07/06/15
Posts: 4,859
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#26103431 - 07/12/19 02:47 AM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
Doc9151 said:
Withdrawal is what Keeps us coming back and it gets worse each time we experience it, soon it gets to the point where you will do stupid shit to get your fix just to feel normal.
This is what 12-Step groups and "addictionologists" teach us. Can we break free from their teachings and consider the motivations for our choices are otherwise? Can we be honest about our decisions to use, instead of the withdrawal excuse?
I kind of agree and disagree with what you are saying. I mean obviously addicts almost always start out chasing a high or relief from pain (minor or extreme), but physical withdrawal is definitely a thing and it is the product of a person programming their brain and body to get used to a certain chemical always being present. Opioid addiction literally reprograms your instincts. The drug itself causes changes in the brain that makes addicts crave the drug as if it were a necessity like food or water.
I mean every persons own experience is subjective as well so who am I to say that you dont experience addiction differently than I do?
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Cjmckay



Registered: 04/09/18
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: trvptamine]
#26104101 - 07/12/19 12:13 PM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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Withdrawal definitely amplifies whatever that original discomfort you had going on with your life. It adds some real muscle to a habit.
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AmericanPsycho
Abomination of Nature



Registered: 12/18/06
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Yonatin]
#26105637 - 07/13/19 07:57 AM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Yonatin said: It sounds like that isn't working out for you very well. I've been in your shoes but with Suboxone, and running out early on something you need as badly as that is not a good spot to be in. You need to make a change so that you can get through your script without running out. I think you should maybe start doing some sort of therapy or meeting or something. Coming from an addict I think them increasing your dose will only solve your problem short term. I know when I got an increase I started just taking more. There are other options for pain management other that oxy. I know they use Suboxone for pain management and it's probably more effective. I wouldn't know for sure though because I never have had to deal with chronic pain. You're at a tipping point and it doesn't end well if you tip the wrong way, and usually with opiates it never tips in your favor.
yeah, and I failed again this month and ran out 2 weeks early again, FUCK! I did a quick taper and the initial withdrawals don't seem so bad this time around. I'm also using adderall, gabapentin, xanax, weed, and immodium to mask the symptoms. I keep forgetting the stomach cramps/diarrhea lasts for a week or more. I don't want to do therapy because I don't want "opioid use disorder" on my permanent medical record. I think that would cause problems with social services and getting into other pain management facilities in the future. I just really wish I could figure out how to do this on my own..
Edited by AmericanPsycho (07/17/19 05:38 AM)
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Doc9151
Mycologist



Registered: 02/23/17
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: RJ Tubs 202] 1
#26116203 - 07/18/19 02:38 PM (4 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
Doc9151 said:
Withdrawal is what Keeps us coming back and it gets worse each time we experience it, soon it gets to the point where you will do stupid shit to get your fix just to feel normal.
This is what 12-Step groups and "addictionologists" teach us. Can we break free from their teachings and consider the motivations for our choices are otherwise? Can we be honest about our decisions to use, instead of the withdrawal excuse?
This is my personal experience, no one else had to tell me, I lived it. The only reason I don't have to worry about withdrawal is having the money to get my fix at the clinic.
Back in 1996 when I first experienced withdrawal, it was nothing but anxiety in the beginning. Then as time went on and I experienced withdrawal more and more, the symptoms became worse each time in intensity and added symptoms. I seemed to gain a new intensity to my symptoms and the only thing that stopped my suffering was more dope, that's a fact, not someone else telling me.
Without withdrawal, I could have walked away a long time ago, but the fact that I have a huge difficulty dealing with the symptoms and the exacerbation of other physical disabilities, withdrawal will make me go back every single time.
You can't tell people that NA or addictionologist are not the way because they have done a lot of good for a lot of people. Do whatever it takes is what I say, sharing our experiences gives power to us all and adds another tool to combat this disorder. No one particular way is the only way or the "right" way.
Your comments make me think that you have not really experienced the beast or maybe you have it all figured out, but withdrawal is EXACTLY why I keep using.
I have issues with real pain and that was my reason in the beginning, I didn't know how to deal with the physical pain my mind and body was being bombarded with every second of the day. Opiates calmed my mind, for awhile. At some point along the way, I started using no longer to keep my pain under control but to keep withdrawal at bay. Withdrawal became a bigger problem for me than the pain alone.
Over the years I Have learned to live with a certain amount of pain, but throw in withdrawal and I will become suicidal.
I've said enough, but don't tell folks that a certain way is the wrong way, it just didn't work for you. We should share our experiences of what's working and not working for us without telling someone that a certain way is wrong or certain group is bad.
Best wishes to all, Doc
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Toxic enigma
High priest of his own madness



Registered: 05/26/19
Posts: 368
Last seen: 4 years, 11 days
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Doc9151]
#26124100 - 08/06/19 12:22 PM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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I had the same thing Doc, trying to avoid withdrawal kept me from getting out. I didn't want the drug but I didn't want to go through the hell of withdrawal, so I kept going back to the drug. Even as my life was falling apart. It wasn't till I was forced to ride out the withdrawals that I could finally walk away. Still working on getting my life back together but slowly things are improving.
-------------------- The goal of life is not to arrive safely at the grave, but rather to slide in side ways yelling " holy crap what a ride". CAUTION: contents under pressure, highly volatile, may contain language of a vulgar, subversive or blasphemous nature, handle with care, point away from face when opening.
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Cognitive_Shift
CS actual




Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 29,591
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Toxic enigma]
#26124260 - 08/06/19 02:24 PM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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Update:
Still passing all of my drug screens at the Methadone clinic. In fact other then having a single beer at a family gathering I haven't done anything since February. My methadone dose is stable and I rarely if ever have any desire to use. I have no social life to speak of, I more or less work and come home, work and come home. I'm okay with it for now because staying clean is more important then going out and getting laid and/or making other poor non-substance related choices. I'm due to phase up and get more take home doses of Methadone next month.
Over the past 10 years i've tried suboxone, rehab, NA/AA and everything in between. The only thing that has truly worked for me personally is being on Methadone. Of course I would love to not have to take anything but it's the lesser of two evils. It allows me to live an otherwise normal life and be a functioning/contributing member of society. I can never get the past 10 years back I pissed away in full blown heroin addiction but at least I have a future now.
-------------------- L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs
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Doc9151
Mycologist



Registered: 02/23/17
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Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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Glad to see you guys back, I to am still hitting the methadone clinic, could also phase up for take homes, but told my counselor I wasn't ready for it. I'm allowed to use cannabis at this clinic, weed is the only thing that would keep me from phasing up, I don't fuck with the other stuff and mushrooms aren't looked at on the drug screens.
Currently, I feel worse than I have in a long time. Very little motivation during the day and some days I'm so sick feeling I can't even go dose. I have absolutely no appetite, I can literally care less if I eat or not. I do drink some fluids and will sometimes eat supper but that's it. There's about 8hrs in the day that I have been able to capitalize on get things somewhat done, but I'm falling behind more and more each day. Hopefully. it just my body adjusting, I had a crazy use schedule that I lived with for almost 20yrs. I would use my scripts up in 2wks, then I would have days of withdrawal before someone would have something to get me through a few days. I started noticing that with daily doses my body has been struggling to adjust, at least I hope that's all it is
--------------------
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Edited by Doc9151 (08/08/19 04:13 PM)
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mndfreeze 
Shroomery Secret Service




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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Doc9151]
#26128073 - 08/09/19 06:44 AM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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Youre just adjusting. It will take a little bit. Keep it up and stay strong
-------------------- Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus! quote]Urb said: I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
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Typerwritermonky
shboop a doop a doop


Registered: 01/19/12
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Quote:
Toxic enigma said: I had the same thing Doc, trying to avoid withdrawal kept me from getting out. I didn't want the drug but I didn't want to go through the hell of withdrawal, so I kept going back to the drug. Even as my life was falling apart. It wasn't till I was forced to ride out the withdrawals that I could finally walk away. Still working on getting my life back together but slowly things are improving.
That was it for me this last time; I just didn't wanna kick and then I eventually just dealt with it. Got some subs and xanax and rode it out. Then got on vivitrol to kick the rest out and then stay clean. I've only got less months then I do fingers on two hands, but whatever, it's better to have a future. It's sad because my life is a 10% shriveled up version of what it used to be.. it makes me deeply sad inside, which is one of the reasons I was using - but that would just make things worse in the end I realized. I've lost my best friends, lost my good friends, lost my respect, my looks, hundreds of thousands of dollars, my talent musically and intellectually, my guitars, music equipment.. i'm left with shreds of what my life once was. But, I still have the chance right now to turn it around and make it better and work until my life is great as it once was, even better. Thats what Im holding onto now.
Quote:
Cognitive_Shift said: I can never get the past 10 years back I pissed away in full blown heroin addiction but at least I have a future now.
Thats it for me too.. only 5 years, but in those years I destroyed everything I had worked the past decade for. It's fucking heart breaking, but the only thing that keeps me going is that I have a future to work towards. One that I can build into something as great as my life once was. Or better. One of the things that keeps me clean is the true belief that I can heal and one day be better then who I was before all of this. I've got some scars that have to heal emotionally and physically. One thing that helps a lot is watching my track marks fade.. I use vitamin e oil several times a day, scar treatment cream and take l-lysine for tissue and skin regrowth and I hope and pray one day they fade until you can't really tell anymore. I think that will make me feel a lot more normal.
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AmericanPsycho
Abomination of Nature



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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Doc9151]
#26136562 - 08/15/19 01:05 AM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Doc9151 said: I to am still hitting the methadone clinic, could also phase up for take homes, but told my counselor I wasn't ready for it. I'm allowed to use cannabis at this clinic
It really pisses me off that people in methadone clincis are allowed to use weed while getting methadone. The FDA even says you should be allowed to ALSO use a benzo if you need it. I'm happy that you have more resources. But if we're in a pain management clinic, we can't use weed or benzos, only opioids, even if we're in a state where it's legal for recreational use. We can't even get a benzo from a psychiatrist that has written us a note that it's medically necessary. That doesn't make any sense to me. They say we can't use weed because it's still "schedule 1" to the federal government. But that somehow doesn't matter if you're on MAT. Their logic is that addicts will still get benzos on the street, but pain patients are less likely to and they'll just suffer. It's so fucked up and not true because I had to go to the black market. It seems like chronic pain patients were treated way better from 2000 - 2010, but nowadays people in addiction treatment are treated way better.
Maybe I'm just in one of the worst pain management clinics and there's others that offer the same choices to people on MAT. But that seems really unlikely. Let me know if there are any.
https://www.fda.gov/drugs/drug-safety-and-availability/fda-drug-safety-communication-fda-urges-caution-about-withholding-opioid-addiction-medications
Edited by AmericanPsycho (08/15/19 01:37 AM)
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mndfreeze 
Shroomery Secret Service




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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: AmericanPsycho]
#26136778 - 08/15/19 08:16 AM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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Benzo use is highly controlled in a clinic setting. They put you at a super low max dose, you have to bring in your scripts, no take homes, etc etc. Its basically not worth it to use benzo's and methadone in a clinic unless you legit REALLLLLLLYYY need them for anti anxiety.
You can't use weed at the clinics here in arizona, yet. Even though its medical approved by the state.
-------------------- Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus! quote]Urb said: I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
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Toxic enigma
High priest of his own madness



Registered: 05/26/19
Posts: 368
Last seen: 4 years, 11 days
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Quote:
Typerwritermonky said:
Quote:
Toxic enigma said: I had the same thing Doc, trying to avoid withdrawal kept me from getting out. I didn't want the drug but I didn't want to go through the hell of withdrawal, so I kept going back to the drug. Even as my life was falling apart. It wasn't till I was forced to ride out the withdrawals that I could finally walk away. Still working on getting my life back together but slowly things are improving.
That was it for me this last time; I just didn't wanna kick and then I eventually just dealt with it. Got some subs and xanax and rode it out. Then got on vivitrol to kick the rest out and then stay clean. I've only got less months then I do fingers on two hands, but whatever, it's better to have a future. It's sad because my life is a 10% shriveled up version of what it used to be.. it makes me deeply sad inside, which is one of the reasons I was using - but that would just make things worse in the end I realized. I've lost my best friends, lost my good friends, lost my respect, my looks, hundreds of thousands of dollars, my talent musically and intellectually, my guitars, music equipment.. i'm left with shreds of what my life once was. But, I still have the chance right now to turn it around and make it better and work until my life is great as it once was, even better. Thats what Im holding onto now.
At the time I had been trying to find a treatment program but atleast where I live if insurance won't cover it's pretty impossible for most to afford. Then I lost my job and my car broke so I ended up going cold Turkey, after getting through the first week and the worst of it I figured I might as well keep goin. It's been a bit over two months now and most of the post withdrawal symptoms have passed, though I still have the hyperactive emotions. With the depression and anxiety issues that are a major factor in my substance issues that isn't much of surprise though and being an empath probably has a hand as well. Thanks to Doc's generosity I got a mushrooms grow going again and will soon be trying to micro dose to treat the anxiety and depression. Hopefully that along with meditation will help.
-------------------- The goal of life is not to arrive safely at the grave, but rather to slide in side ways yelling " holy crap what a ride". CAUTION: contents under pressure, highly volatile, may contain language of a vulgar, subversive or blasphemous nature, handle with care, point away from face when opening.
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Yonatin


Registered: 09/05/17
Posts: 654
Loc:
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Toxic enigma]
#26143294 - 08/19/19 05:48 PM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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I just got a job, it hasn't started yet and I'm nervous AF right now! This is the first job in 4 years and first serious job in 6 years. I'm super excited and also way nervous because I don't want to mess this one up. I'm coming out of depression and being a shut in all day so having a job is huge for me and my recovery. I've needed to do it a lot sooner but just kept putting it off because I was too afraid to put myself out there and fail. That feeling is the absolute worst. I'm waiting on the background check to come back and I should pass. I was told by a higher up that it shouldn't be a problem it just takes a week to come back. So I kinda feel like I've already put too much hope into this and it's just primed to go off in my face, I sure hope it doesn't I really want this job. The nice thing is that drugs aren't even on my mind once I start getting money coming in. Anyways I really need this job and needed someone or someones to tell.
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,010
Loc: USA
Last seen: 1 day, 5 hours
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: Yonatin]
#26143433 - 08/19/19 07:26 PM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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Congratulations on getting a job!
Quote:
Yonatin said:
I've needed to do it a lot sooner but just kept putting it off because I was too afraid to put myself out there and fail. That feeling is the absolute worst.
Can you imagine failing and it not being a problem? It's an important part of maturity and wisdom most people are not taught. One thing drinking and drugging provides people who crave control is the sensation of being in control. Shooting pills or dope, snorting lines, rolling a joint, taking some shots... all of it gives us a feeling of power and control. It's as if we are God-like, as we have the power to change our mood at the drop of a hat. Even a horrendous come-down or hang-over provides a powerful sense of control - after all, it's an experience we created. Like people who cut themselves, there are psychological benefits.
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Yonatin


Registered: 09/05/17
Posts: 654
Loc:
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Re: Opiate addicts support group (moved) [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#26144353 - 08/20/19 10:27 AM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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Well, I've learned the long way to just keep trying. I crawled into a hole and tried to disappear and things only got worse. The bills kept coming, my life was going nowhere, and I was slowly becoming the person I desperately was trying to avoid. I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to being more positive but I've at least made the first step in trying to put my life back together. I am now a good 10 years behind in terms of life achievements compared to everyone I know, that is still hard to come to terms with if I'm being honest. Either way I'm really looking forward to this job and I don't want to mess it up.
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