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Offlinetastyshroom
Mr.Shroom
Male

Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 821
Loc: Washington
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
a few poems
    #2313754 - 02/08/04 08:17 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Just a couple poems i wrote
Im trying to see what people think..so i need some feedback please

I wish

I wish I could fly in the sky
To soar like eagles do
Have no worries so I won?t cry
Want to look down on you

I wish it was all over now
But then - at the same time
I want to see what time shall plow
But for now I walk in slime

I wish I could know the answers
For every question ? I think
I wish I could, Oh yes I swear
But for now I wait?waiting

......................

I look at the world from the sides
Wacthing everyone, helping them die
The next person i see is what fate decides
Each person effecting me, helping me die

..........................

When my time comes
I will gladly go
Leave this dirty slum
leave it all, all behind
Go far far away
or maybe nowhere at all
Glady i will go, gladly

....................

Who is watching me?
Someone near me?
Watching me...watching me
i must hide, i must flee
Get away from it all, just for me


--------------------
Perspective on life always changes


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 19 days
Re: a few poems [Re: tastyshroom]
    #2313824 - 02/08/04 09:48 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

The only advice I can give you is, don't rely so much on rhyme.. relying on rhyme tends to make us try to find words to fit the rhyme more than we concentrate on conveying a thought poetically, which is what should be the main focus.

Not bad, though, I like this one:

I look at the world from the sides
Wacthing everyone, helping them die
The next person i see is what fate decides
Each person effecting me, helping me die


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Offlineaje
Why not?
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Registered: 10/11/03
Posts: 16,392
Loc: in some small dive
Last seen: 3 months, 18 days
Re: a few poems [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #2314439 - 02/08/04 02:51 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

very nice


--------------------



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Offlinetastyshroom
Mr.Shroom
Male

Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 821
Loc: Washington
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
Re: a few poems [Re: aje]
    #2315266 - 02/08/04 08:52 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

thank you..yea sometimes i rhyme..other times i dont...

I got like a mixture..sometimes i get too caught up in trying to make a rhyme and i lose my train of thought


--------------------
Perspective on life always changes


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General Interest >> Music, Art, and Media

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