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Invisibleslime_R
The Good Doctor

Registered: 04/20/02
Posts: 858
Bible Funnies
    #2311831 - 02/07/04 03:39 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Hope this hasn't been posted before.


Quoted from Robert Anton Wilson's page at www.rawilson.com


Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific Bible laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


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OfflineAlan Stone
Corpus

Registered: 11/23/02
Posts: 986
Loc: Ten feet up
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: slime_R]
    #2312113 - 02/07/04 05:15 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

The examples here are just old Judean laws. I'm sure a lot of ancient Greek or Roman laws would seem equally absurd.


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It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

- Aristotle


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OfflineShizpow
Street Samurai

Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 83
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: Alan Stone]
    #2312133 - 02/07/04 05:32 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

The point is, yes they are ridiculously outdated laws that nobody follows. But they appear right alongside "laws" that bigoted christian assholes still try and force down people's throats today, like the one cited about gay sex. If we can realize that it's ok to wear cotton/polyester and eat clams...what the fuck is stoping us from realizing that it's ok to do whatever they hell we wish with our own crotches? Why are gay marriages still such an item of concern with our beloved president and our nations "religious" zealots? Because they're fearful, hate mongering assholes who want desperately to hold on to the belief that they are somehow better than other people. Fuck the bible, fuck god, and fuck christian bigots most of all.


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If you cut a face lengthwise, urinate on it, and trample on it with straw sandles, it is said that the skin will come off. This was heard by the priest Gyojaku when he was in Kyoto. It is information to be treasured.


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Offlined33p
Welcome to Violence

Registered: 07/12/03
Posts: 5,381
Loc: the shores of Tripoli
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: Shizpow]
    #2312190 - 02/07/04 06:01 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

The bible is a nice story it just shouldnt be taken seriously.


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I'm a nihilist. Lets be friends.

bang bang


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Invisibleslime_R
The Good Doctor

Registered: 04/20/02
Posts: 858
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: Alan Stone]
    #2312232 - 02/07/04 06:14 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Alan Stone said:
The examples here are just old Judean laws. I'm sure a lot of ancient Greek or Roman laws would seem equally absurd.





They are passages from the christian bible.


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OfflineSpecialEd
+ one

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 6,220
Loc: : Gringo
Last seen: 2 years, 8 days
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: slime_R]
    #2312262 - 02/07/04 06:24 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Lynch Mob! :devil:


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"Plus one upvote +1..."
--- //
-- :meff:
  /l_l\/
--\-/----


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Offlinenemesis
Stranger

Registered: 05/02/03
Posts: 110
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: SpecialEd]
    #2312402 - 02/07/04 07:20 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Their all from the Old Testament, the old Judean law, which is grossly distorted by the Christians and the Jews themselves(and changed over and over to suit themselves), the contradictions in the Old and New Testaments are many and the laws are just ridiculous!
There is no original of the Gospel or Torah, Psalms or any book of the Old Testament, closest is the Greek Orthodox scripts in their first original translation of Ancient Greek, but there is no authentic script of the Gospel what so ever, the four Gospels of the New Testament are full of absurd contradictions.
Like you've shown :smile:


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May Peace and fellicity smile on those who seek it.


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Offlinenubious
1up on the rest

Registered: 10/20/02
Posts: 534
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: nemesis]
    #2312451 - 02/07/04 07:41 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Actually I was watching CNN the other day to find out what you crazy Americans were up to, and apprently in Missouri they're going to make same sex marraiges (sp?) legal.. Coulda been somewhere else, but I think it was Missouri...

Way to go states! That's a big step.. In time, maybe they will realise the all the wrongs they've created while attempting to 'right' things, and at that time, (and only that time) will they pay retribution.


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No one knows the worth of innocence till he knows it is gone forever, and that money can't buy it back. Not the saint, but the sinner that repenteth, is he to whom the full length and breadth, and height and depth, of life's meaning is revealed. Good and evil loose all objective meaning and are seen as equally necessary and contrasting elements in the masterpiece that is the universe.


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OfflineCleverName
the cloudsshould know meby now...

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 1,121
Loc: red earth painted with mi...
Last seen: 11 years, 5 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: slime_R]
    #2312472 - 02/07/04 07:49 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

hehe, pure absurdity...but jesus seemed like a cool guy, after all, he hung out with prostitutes and money changers, and changed H20 into wine, hehe...


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if you can't find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

this is the purpose


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Anonymous

Re: Bible Funnies [Re: nemesis]
    #2312684 - 02/07/04 09:11 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -


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Anonymous

Re: Bible Funnies [Re: slime_R]
    #2312688 - 02/07/04 09:14 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -


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Offlinenewsong311
Stranger
Registered: 02/07/04
Posts: 1
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: Bible Funnies *DELETED* [Re: slime_R]
    #2312935 - 02/07/04 10:50 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Post deleted by newsong311

Reason for deletion: 02/07/04 08:50 PM (6 years, 9 months ago)



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Invisibleslime_R
The Good Doctor

Registered: 04/20/02
Posts: 858
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: ]
    #2314658 - 02/08/04 04:08 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Aside from the fact that you don't understand the Bible, what was your intention in creating this thread? To mock the Bible or the people who believe in it?





My intention was to show how people rally around parts of the bible that back their stance on a particluar issue, while ignoring other parts.

I will admit, I know next to nothing about the bible. Also, I mock no one.


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Invisibleslime_R
The Good Doctor

Registered: 04/20/02
Posts: 858
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: slime_R]
    #2315591 - 02/08/04 10:05 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Sorry, not trying to bump my own thread but I saw this article on fark.com today and thought it was timely.

http://www.grandforks.com/mld/grandforksherald/7897078.htm

CadetHappy said it well
Quote:

The bible is too often used to shore up a person's arbitrary prejudices. Its even worse when one listens to someone else pontificate about their arbitrary prejudices through their interpretation of the bible and just assume it is the "Word of God."




Edited by slime_R (02/08/04 10:08 PM)


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Offlinesmoochie
just anotherface in many
Registered: 02/06/04
Posts: 7
Loc: corporate america
Last seen: 13 years, 2 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: slime_R]
    #2316278 - 02/09/04 01:04 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

people on both sides of the argument are right in some instances.
i'm from a christian background, and, do in fact, pray to God. While i don't follow the bible 100% i also do not try to use it as leverage in an argument (except when someone uses it against me). I do agree that many christians push god on people. i hate it. i had to go to a christian school and go to church twice a week. They are pushy as fuck. while i belive jesus christ is God, I no longer call myself a christian because i find many (not all) christians to be of a hypocritical nature.  The christians that know of my drug habits say i'm a bad person because i don't follow the law or the bible. many of them swear and lie and try to cut people down, and when i mention this they swear and try to cut me down :rolleyes:
as far as same sex marriages, i don't care, i have nothing against the homosexual people, they usually very nice and at the risk of sounding mysogonistic i find some hot lesbian chicks i know sexy as hell and find myself wishing i knew a way to get with them in pairs. :grin:


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Now is only an instant, and as soon as it happens it's gone. yet...it's always now.


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Offlinecrippledavenger
6th Venom

Registered: 01/16/04
Posts: 29
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: slime_R]
    #2316677 - 02/09/04 04:14 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

That list is quite amusing. The thing about the Bible is that it was written by spiritually inspired people. The Christian message written on the human heart and put into words. Don't let yourself be put off Christianity my fundamentalists Bible thumpers who use the Bible for their own ends. it is one of the best religions IMO.


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InvisibleKid_Orgo
 User Gallery

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 5,514
Loc: Hale-Bopp
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: nubious]
    #2317285 - 02/09/04 11:59 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

nubious said:
Actually I was watching CNN the other day to find out what you crazy Americans were up to, and apprently in Missouri they're going to make same sex marraiges (sp?) legal.. Coulda been somewhere else, but I think it was Missouri...




I laughed when i read that. Missouri, being in the South, is a conservative christian right stronghold. Full of evolution-banning bible-waving zealots. Legalizing gay marriage there would probably cause the breakdown of law and order south of Washington, DC.

Massachusetts is the one legalizing gay marriage.


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He was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fights. No business, no hangout; no friends, nothing; just what you pick up and what you need.


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Invisible1stimer
Religion=Rape
Registered: 11/18/01
Posts: 1,280
Loc: Amerika
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: Kid_Orgo]
    #2318274 - 02/09/04 04:52 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

I live really close to missouri and it is not southern.


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ash dingy donker mo gollyhopper patty popiton rockstop bueno mayo riggedy jig bobber johnathan pattywhacker gogboob t-shirt monkey.

There is such emotion in the distortion.


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Invisible1stimer
Religion=Rape
Registered: 11/18/01
Posts: 1,280
Loc: Amerika
Re: Bible Funnies [Re: newsong311]
    #2318283 - 02/09/04 04:56 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Second of all, let it be understood, that any religion has as its goal the re-connection with the ultimate end-all-be-all of living, that is, the divine source, the full god-head, and the total expression of atonement AT-ONE-MENT, however that be understood.





You are completely naive and misguided.  :lol: The point of religion is to keep you from accomplishing true meaning so you can be controlled easier.  Religion is a control mechanism not a liberating device.  Dont be fooled.  Dont forget to drop a couple bucks in the collection plate. :devil:


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ash dingy donker mo gollyhopper patty popiton rockstop bueno mayo riggedy jig bobber johnathan pattywhacker gogboob t-shirt monkey.

There is such emotion in the distortion.


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