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Registered: 06/25/01
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Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Got some real bad news yesterday
    #2289599 - 01/31/04 02:43 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Yesterday my parents told me my 56-year-old father has inoperable cancer. I don't know how long he's got but it's probably less than a year. I'm not really sure what to think at this point. I've never lost anyone close to me before, and this is my Dad. To anyone who's dealt with something like this before, any advice?

Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"


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Anonymous #1

Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2291408 - 02/01/04 11:16 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

For what it's worth, I lost my father two years ago...a heart attack, he fell and hit his head and was comatose until the decision to disconnect. The one thing I wish I could've had is the opportunity to talk with him and "tie up" loose ends, explain how much I loved him, and help him go out peacefully. See your father now as a PERSON, not just as your dad. When you get beyond the initial sorrow and the pain of the diagnosis, make that effort to connect on a human- to- human basis. Knowing that someone is going to go is a gift of sorts, a chance to make things right, express your deepest feelings, and help them make their transition more peaceful and with less regrets (on both sides). My heart goes out to you, remember to take care of your own health during this difficult time...you can't help anyone if you don't take care of yourself...hope I said something you can lean on...

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Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2291623 - 02/01/04 01:46 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Im going to agree with what ^ said about his dad. Its been almost 9 years since my dad had died. But he wasnt around much, i had not heard from him in a long time, then he had passed away.

Try to make the transition easy, and let everything out, and let all the pain and sorrow go. Dont hold on to it, and help him let go of it too, let him know that you will take care of things. Re assure him, if you feel a since of love for him, express that to him. The last time i remember beign with my dad was when i  was about 5 or 6 years old. There were so many things that i will never know about having a dad.

Dont neglect that which you did have, but do not let that which must go on, hold you from your future.

My dad's case was a really sad story. He didnt have cancer, but he was suffering from liver disease (cause he was an alcoholic, and the years of smoking ddestroyed his lungs)

His father died when he was about 17, and he was left to look after some things in his family that were not his responsibility. He always dreaded over the loss of his father, and since he was already drinking at the time, he used it as an escape, instead of parting with his "medicine" in order to face the problem head on.

It is a very hard thing to look at sometimes, but you have to face it, you have to face the fact that some things come to an end. We will all die, this is a fact, its what we make with the time that we have that proves that life worth the energy we have given it.

We can make it better for those who must go on, and we can improve our own sense of appreciation for life.

I wish the best of luck to you.  :heart:


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Homeless GOHOME !...
Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 253
Loc: Working for Piss ;...
Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2291642 - 02/01/04 01:58 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I loose my father two years ago .
He was 56 years old , like ur father .

Try to pass some good time with him , he must understand that you will never forget him , i'm sure thats what he wants .
Dont know if its the good words , but good luck man !

God save the Queen

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Registered: 01/11/99
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Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2291790 - 02/01/04 03:23 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

My uncle is currently dying of cancer, so although he's not my father, I do know how you feel and what your in for. My Boyfriends mother also died of cancer reccently. I agree with everyone else, but, spend time with him NOW, before he starts chemo. Chemo, will change a person and often that change is not so pleasent, bith my boyfriends mother and my uncle become very very very bitter almost to the point of being flatout mean. You need to prepare yourself, do not take it personally. Know that a year could be a year, it could be 2 years or more, but it could also be alot less, so do what you need to know. No matter how short a time or how long, it will seem like forever, while its happening and it'll take its toll on you everyday so take care of yourself (and your mom, even if she's says she's fine), when its over it'll seem like everything happened in the blink of an eye, but in a strange way, you'll feel a sense of relief, the waiting is over. Take care of yourself, I'll send ya positive vibes, if you need anything, I'm a pm away.

~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

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Registered: 06/11/02
Posts: 863
Loc: Close to the Edge, Down b...
Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2744640 - 05/29/04 04:55 PM (14 years, 29 days ago)

My dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer recently as well, The doctors say on average people in his situation have about six months. He's 55. Chemotherapy has started and he's so doped up (more than usual), he's generally about only two-third conscious when I see him. It's hard seeing the man who I've modeled myself after in such a weak state. All my life he's been a superman, achieving feats like building the house I live in. Now he has trouble walking around the room and that's a drag.
It's like the rational intellect points out to me that this is one of those things that happens, bad things happen to good people y'know... but my emotions say no- he can't go out like this.
I like to believe I've accepted the situation and come to terms with it, but it's really bringing me down when I don't expect it to.
His attitude's pretty positive and friends & family are everywhere for him. I just hope it isn't too painful. too soon.

Be strong Chump, let me know if you want to communicate- we're in the same situation together.

yeeeahh, it's gonna be well wicked

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Tool's groupie
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Registered: 04/09/04
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Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2745497 - 05/30/04 01:53 AM (14 years, 29 days ago)

I'm sorry to hear about your father. I lost my father to suicide when I was 8 years old. He was my world. If I could've only had one more day, shit I would've even taken 5 more minutes, just to tell him that I loved him. Of course he knew it, but I should've had the opportunity
to tell him. We never know when someone is going to be taken from our lives, so take this time and use it to it's fullest. Spend each and everyday like it's the last. When the time does come, it'll be a much easier transition. My heart goes out to you and your family. :heart:


The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.

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The Duk Abides

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2745958 - 05/30/04 08:49 AM (14 years, 29 days ago)

Yes, tell him how you feel as soon as possible, before it's too late. I lost my father when I was 11 and to this day, I wish I could have told him how much I loved him.... :frown:

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old hand

Registered: 06/09/99
Posts: 1,817
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Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2746333 - 05/30/04 12:39 PM (14 years, 29 days ago)

I lost my Mother to ovarian cancer when I was 15 years old. Loosing a parent is one of the toughest things you can go through mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually... especially at a young age.

Know that many people will offer you advice, and many people will tell you they "know what you are going through." NOBODY knows what you are going through, but they may know something LIKE what you are going through.

There are more people out there that have lost family, friends, or other close loved ones because of Cancer. The more people you talk to about this the more surprised you will be to find that you are sharing a collective greivance with this illness. It helps to talk it through and gain some perspective of those who have shared similar experiences.

Initially the cancer diagnosis is a shock, especially to those that have lived healthy lifestyles. It just doesn't make sense sometimes. However, sometimes cancer can be a blessing. It gives you an opportunity to find closure WITH the person that is suffering. The time you spend and the conversations you will have with your Father will take on a whole new meaning now. You will have the chance to get to know him more intimately, as he will more likely start talking to you as a another HUMAN and not just a son. You will see a dramatic and some say "angelic" conversion in his soul. This can be peaceful and very re-assuring as his health will begin to fade over time.

I recently heard a discussion with a large group of oncology nurses in which they were talking about how people would like to see themselves pass on (these nurses having spent most of their professional life around very ill, usually dying cancer patients and their families). When one nurse spoke about how she would like to die from cancer, it got the discussion pointed in a whole new direction. Reflection upon having the time to see and talk with your family and offer closure to not only those that you hold close but also personally seemed much more attractive than a sudden/accidental death (which most people ASSUME they would prefer because of it's quick and "painless" measure). At the end of this discussion, all these oncology nurses agreed that they would rather contract cancer and suffer through the pain and illness just to have the opportunity to find peace and closure through their friends and family. For the surivers left behind, this makes it just a little easier to deal with the loss.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, if you want to talk more intimately please feel free to PM me and I'll offer whatever support I can.

Please remember to take care of yourself. Drink, smoke, and dope will offer no cure or permenant relief from the pain you will go through.

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Registered: 05/27/04
Posts: 671
Loc: Idaho (USA)
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Got some real bad news yesterday [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #2750809 - 05/31/04 09:40 PM (14 years, 27 days ago)

i'm one of those people that is 'untouched' by the harshness of life. HECK I GOT A BORING LIFE, an interesting past but a BORING life. the only real deaths i've had in my life are a great grandmother/uncle....yeah i was close to them but still, life moves on. death to me is such an foreign place I'd probably never deal well with it. thats where i'm a pussy.

but i can say that its completely natural, your dad isn't dying because of someone else helping it along, because of a substance, suicide or anything. at least its completely natural. this will make you feel so much better. anger can't really fuel out of a natural death. lots of my family has died from ciggerettes before i was born, my mom saw her mother dead on a couch. Emphysema (sp?) is the main common killer in my family along with shitloads of heriditary diseases/malfunctions i myself have inherited. none of my sisters did, just me, the eldest of my father's children....

but anyways, even if my family has been ripped away from life by ciggerettes i don't hate them. i've smoked those even if its a stupid habit. but its a mind blowing thing really, people don't care if they kill themselves slowly by paying 4 bucks a pack.

in reality, i wish you luck. and i hope that by your dad's death you yourself shall make wise choices, will be able to handle the pain easily, find meaning in this obstacle and such. if you believe in the afterlife, lets hope we'll see our loved ones in such a place someday.

"If you worried about falling off the bike, you would never get on."
Lance Armstrong

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