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average desi
Registered: 01/28/04
Posts: 7
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
    #2281617 - 01/28/04 07:56 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Hi all,
First off I'd like to say that these boards have helped me tremendously and although I have never posted, I have lurked for a long time just reading through the forums and enlightening myself. I am not sure where to turn for this so I figured the shroomery would be a great place to obtain advice from people who I respect just from merely reading their posts. I am 21 years old, but recently I have discovered that that number is just a reference to my biological age, now to how many years I have truly experienced life. I grew up as a minority in a vastly white public school. I did receive my share of taunting and degradation, but no more than the average "computer nerd" would have to deal with. My real problem is that I have now matured enough to realize that I haven't actually "lived" a single day of my life up to this point. I just drifted along through the monotonous days just living one day at a time, never striving for any real defined goals. Since I was the ONLY minority at this school, I had nobody to relate to and nobody to relate to me. People either teased me or more or less just left me alone. I can honestly say that I never truly had any close friends throughout my entire childhood. Later on, in high school, I did get in with a popular "group", but they were pretty much superficial friends to me, I could never express my real feelings to anyone. I didn't even know that life could be any different. I couldn't turn to my parents, my Dad is a workaholic and my Mom has her own problems. When my grades started slipping they'd just freak out instead of rationally talking to me and getting to the root of the problem, that I was miserable every day of school. Instead of concentrating on schoolwork or exploring my personal talents I targeted all of my energy on just being accepted... by anyone. In this sense I was extremely "fake", just doing anything that seemed popular. Once again, I didn't know life could be any different than this. I never knew that I could make close friends and discuss things in depth and share my feelings. This all led me to have extremely low self-esteem and I had developed a slight social-anxiety syndrome. It was hard for me to feel like myself anymore(didn't even know what or who "I" truly was) and I usually just felt uncomfortable and nervous, even around people I'd known for a while. When I did feel like myself, however, I could totally kick back, crack jokes and have a GREAT time. This has all led me to get kicked out of college, lose jobs and lose touch with friends. I found I was nervous and anxious ALL THE TIME and rarely ever felt truly happy. Finally now, after 21 years I am learning what is important in life: to follow my dreams and just enjoy the experience (boy was that cheesy). I despise the person I used to be and will NEVER do anything just to fit in again. It ruined my life. Growing up I never really had an indentity. I just hope I can keep growing instead of regressing to the way that I was. I finally feel like I am starting to live my life and actually have faith in myself. Sigh, so much wasted time, but so many years ahead.... Well sorry for the extremtly long post, just had to vent. If anyone can relate I'd truly appreciate chatting. Thanks for reading this.

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High onlife.....andcrack

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 481
Loc: Vancouver
Last seen: 11 years, 9 hours
Re: Help [Re: xebek]
    #2281835 - 01/28/04 09:36 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Consider yourself lucky, my friend. Most people don't realize this until they are on their deathbed.

This post is protected under copyrite law.All above content is strictly the property of ?manna_man.Any infringement of copyright property is strictly prohibited.Any violators will be stretched, shot, and then vaporized into a state of anti-matter, where they will cease to exist.

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ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: Help [Re: xebek]
    #2282113 - 01/29/04 12:12 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I can totally relate.  Maybe not so much on the minority part, but especially on the acceptance part.  Public school especially, can either make or break you.  Kids can be cruel and it's a very critical part of your life that forms the basis of who you are.

Everyone wants to be accepted but the acts in which you perform to be accepted can vary incredibly.  What really got to em is the part where you said that you ruined your life.  You're 21.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  As manna_man said, most people don't come to this conclusion until it's too late.  I'm very glad to hear that you are mature enough to understand how you have been and willing to change that.

I know it's easier said then done, but you are on the right track.  Don't care so much about what others think of you.  I mean, I know we all do to a degree.  That's normal.  But in order to be truly happy, you have to love and accept yourself.  Do what you feel is right and be who you want to be, as long as that makes you happy.  If you are happy and true to yourself, it won't matter how other people see you as much cuz you will know that deep inside, you are a good person.

People can be mean.  There is always going to be those people out there that are insecure about themselves and about their social status that they will try to bring you down to make themselves look and feel better.  Don't stoop to their level.  Just from this post, I can tell that you are a very mature and good person.  I hope things start looking up for you.

This song is kind of old, but I feel it is very uplifting.  You download it and listen to it.  It's called "Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrmann.

One you have confidence in yourself, others will see that and will want to be in your presence.  Confidence is key. :heartpump:

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
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Lost in Life
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Registered: 11/03/03
Posts: 355
Loc: UK
Re: Help [Re: xebek]
    #2287271 - 01/30/04 03:51 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

It's kinda wierd, I feel the same. My whole life I've felt like I can't fit in or relate to my peers and I come to this board and can emphasize with most of the posts here.

When I was in high school I pretty much hated most of my peers, they all seemed like a bunch idiots to me. But instead of trying desperatly to fit in I grew my hair (big taboo were I live), refused to conform and generally kept to myself. I would get shit all the time about my hair but it just pissed me off even more and made me even more determined to grow it. Around a month ago I cut my hair and I feel wierd now. Sometimes I feel like I've betrayed who I am, other times I feel stupid for thinking that hair defines who I am. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault I've turned out the way I am, other times I blame everyone else for being so superficial and making me feel bad about the way I look.

Anyway, I've decided to grow my hair back again, I guess I'm just a sucker for punishment. This time it will be different. When I used to get insulted I just used to take it, not say anything and laugh at it later but never again. I really wish some of my old "friends" would try and talk to me now so I can shout, swear and tell them to FUCK OFF and die in a gutter. Why I didn't say that in the first place I don't know

Anyway, sorry for hi-jacking your thread and I don't think you've wasted your life. 21 is young, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Whoever said school is the best time of your life made a very stupid generalisation. Who knows what will happen tommrow?

"You can either believe you can do something, or believe you can't.... either way your right"

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average desi
Registered: 01/28/04
Posts: 7
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
Re: Help [Re: Slite]
    #2314965 - 02/08/04 06:15 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Thanks to all of you who replied to my (long-winded) post. I truly appreciate your support. This life is one crazy ride and having these forums is invaluable to me. The worst and probably most ironic part of my childhood is that everyone (parents, teachers, peers, etc...) just assumed I was either lazy or on drugs (although I did start to smoke the herb in college and I believe it has helped me discover myself temendously). When my parents caught me skipping school they assumed it was to toke up, not because I didn't want to go through the monotonous torment again on that particular day. Since I am of East Indian descent, even getting B's on a report card was taboo, so my parents put huge amounts of pressure on me to perform. In a way I'm kind of glad I had to learn everything the hard way because when I have kids I'm going to make sure they know what is important in life and to always be real and true to themselves. Well anyways, thanks again.

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