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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: Malcolm_Xtasy]
    #22683527 - 12/21/15 03:52 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

I hope everyone is making it through the holiday crap without too much troubles. I know alot of people lose their sobriety around this time of year. Pray extra hard and use the serenity prayer over and over if you have to.:sunny::peace: Remember that it's a shit ton harder to stay away from the second drink than it is the first.
If you are alcoholic....you understand that statement.


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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OfflineShroomyBudz
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #22708332 - 12/28/15 07:05 AM (8 years, 1 month ago)

If you all don't mind me asking.. I am trying to understand what some of my close friends are struggling with on a deeper level. They don't really like to open up.. What exactly draws you to wanting to drink, and what feeling does it provide you that makes it so appealing? I personally have tried to enjoy alcohol many many many times, and rarely do I ACTUALLY enjoy drinking.. :shrug:

Thank you in advance,
much love.. :heart:

-SB
:peace:


--------------------
.                      Explore the unknown!
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:pm: me if you ever need anything! I try to check them daily! :cool:


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Offlinem4dScientist
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: ShroomyBudz]
    #22714515 - 12/29/15 07:17 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

ShroomyBudz said:
If you all don't mind me asking.. I am trying to understand what some of my close friends are struggling with on a deeper level. They don't really like to open up.. What exactly draws you to wanting to drink, and what feeling does it provide you that makes it so appealing? I personally have tried to enjoy alcohol many many many times, and rarely do I ACTUALLY enjoy drinking.. :shrug:

Thank you in advance,
much love.. :heart:

-SB
:peace:




As with any addiction my friend, it's a progression.

I originally started drinking because I liked the effects. Getting drunk was fun, and it gave me a confidence I couldn't dream of while sober.

Then, as my drinking progressed, I drank merely to self medicate. I wasn't happy, and drinking temporarily fixed that.

In the end, I drank because I hated the person I had become so much, I lived with so much regret, that I drank because I believe I deserved every ounce of misery i was experiencing.

In the end, will power means nothing. Any addict has the ability to stop. Now, what's lingering beneath the surface is the main thing preventing that from happening. Everyone must go through their own journey.


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Offlinechaka333
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: m4dScientist]
    #22714580 - 12/29/15 07:32 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

Good thread! I'm chaka I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is august 13th 2015. It's been a rough road full of ups and downs. Mostly downs, but those don't break me. Since becoming clean of drinking and smoking life has started to take a full 180°. I'm more alert, have fuller emotions and conversations. My sleep regimen has completely been fucking me. I wake up almost every hour. Got me a full time job and have been in better terms with my family. I've been really working on me. Today I have no desire to drink or drug and for that I am happy. That's all I've got for now. Thanks for listening. Glad yall are here.:smile:


--------------------
If you want to achieve greatness
Stop asking for permission.


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Offlinerezdrunk
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: chaka333]
    #22714608 - 12/29/15 07:37 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

i was the opposite , I was drunk for 17 years straight. my body hadn't rested in 17 years. the first year I pissed in bed twice. your first year is gonna be a rough ride, but that ride is a million times better without booze. hang in there and keep the faith


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Offlinechaka333
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: rezdrunk]
    #22714853 - 12/29/15 08:44 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

My dreams have become more realistic and wild. Every now and then I get the urge to drink, but it's easy not to do when I think about it meaning I could posibly spend a year in jail. The risk isn't worth the reward in my personal situation. Being clean is what's best for me right now and in the future. I want to become better.


--------------------
If you want to achieve greatness
Stop asking for permission.


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OfflineRebelutionsssss
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: ShroomyBudz]
    #22715197 - 12/29/15 10:12 PM (8 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

ShroomyBudz said:
If you all don't mind me asking.. I am trying to understand what some of my close friends are struggling with on a deeper level. They don't really like to open up.. What exactly draws you to wanting to drink, and what feeling does it provide you that makes it so appealing? I personally have tried to enjoy alcohol many many many times, and rarely do I ACTUALLY enjoy drinking.. :shrug:

Thank you in advance,
much love.. :heart:

-SB
:peace:



i drank because it was fun and that was just the thing to do in my group of friends. before i knew it i was drinking every day and telling myself that it was all in god fun. now im dependent on it and have crushing anxiety without a drink.


--------------------
:
To define is to confine.


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
    #22720015 - 12/31/15 08:40 AM (8 years, 30 days ago)

Welcome chaka!. Mark, alcoholic...My drinking started out just like others have said....hard partying. I started in my early teens (dad had a half keg hook up)....It was fun then but somewhere along the way, I crossed a line where the fun was less and less...people started saying I changed when I was drinking but I didn't see it.

My drinking really took off when I first tried cocaine in my early twenties...could drink around the clock and not feel fucked up as long as there were lines to snort...I went downhill fast from there...almost died a couple times from the combination(heart stopped for a couple seconds once)Pretty soon DUI's were part of the picture...Thing was...that I hid it really well...started a successful business,got married, had kids...by the way, they took the brunt of my alcoholism and I continue to make amends to this day. Marriages ended and shit kept getting worse till I was drinking over a case of beer a day and ending in oblivion. Racked up 6 DUI's and started doing stints in jail..(Baltimore city jail)...a fucking nightmare.
I had been introduced to AA via courts long before I got sober...I still thought that my will power would prevail...I couldn't be powerless over anything.Alcohol will eventually bring any alcoholic to his knees....it always wins.

I gave AA a try finally because I finally, utterly was beaten into submission....I gave up...I won't get into my last drunk, but it was pretty bad. That was March 15, 1999. And since then, AA has not only saved my life, but made it worth living...My sons are grown and I am now a proud grandpa...My son's wife nor my grandaughter has ever seen me drunk...this March will be 17 years without a drink and most people in my life can't even fathom the thought of me being drunk.lol
I have been doing what others before me have done...made peace with a God of my understanding, cleaned house, and continue to try to help others in and out of the rooms as they present themselves....that's it. None of us have more than 24 hrs. sobriety...it is what I do with today that counts...that's all.

If you're an alcoholic and haven't had a drink today...then, the miracle has happened.:sunny::peace:


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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Invisibleeeso
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #22720656 - 12/31/15 11:12 AM (8 years, 30 days ago)

Eeso, alcoholic (drunkard). Drunkalog biographical history - I remember stealing sips here and there as a kid from my parent's liquor closet. I didn't start really drinking until I turned 21. Then it was balls-to-the-wall, handles and handles of cheap vodka a week drinking the shit like water. Over the earlier part of my adult life I used to drunk-drive for recreation. Only charged with one DUI that was dismissed (at the cost of $3000 for the lawyer) I totaled several classic cars and my grandparents car, made tons of bad decisions, regrets that haunt me to this day - never-mind the multiple TBIs I sustained in accidents.
  In 2007 I went to a bar I used to be a bar-fly at for "one beer" to celibate my birthday after hitching back from the south, next thing I remember is waking up on my back on the concrete walk in front of the bar (after closing time). Apparently I was offensive to some low-life who clocked me in the face and knocked me out. Got a fractured skull out of that incident and a chronic sinus infection that haunted me for five years. 
  In 2011 I totaled my truck on Xanax (higher dosage than I initially thought - I was already drunk when I took it) and vodka-on-the-rocks, rolling it three times, partially ejected through the windshield and being found clinically dead when the paramedics showed up, I have the unknown person that heard the wreck and called 911 and modern medicine to thank for being here today. Destroyed several romantic relationships (one that I still yearn for) from being drunk and saying things I did not really mean.
My father is an active alcoholic, my grandfather was a dry alcoholic for my adult life until just before he passed.

These are all reasons I rationally shouldn't drink anymore, but I still do. I spend practically all of my money on the shit to boot. I was dry for three months in 2013, but that didn't last.

For all who read this wall of text - thank you.

TL;DR: I'm an active alcoholic who screwed his life and body up with the sauce.

It's cunning, baffling, powerful indeed.


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Invisiblemicro
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
    #22720755 - 12/31/15 11:35 AM (8 years, 30 days ago)

Quote:

Rebelutionsssss said:
:congrats: nice job man! I'm realizing how much money I spend on alcohol and it's still not enough to stop me :facepalm: her grip is strong. I've been drinking pretty heavily since I was 16, I'm 23 now and I just realize that everyone my age is getting out of that heavy drinking phase but I'm stuck drinking every night religiously. I just can't stop for some reason




I have the same problem, and when I stop I go through withdrawals.

I really wanna stop though; I like to be clear-headed when I need to be, and I hate anything having control over me like that.

I'm getting some benzos here soon, to be able to stop without going through the DT's again.

I think it is ridiculous how hard it is to do that through normal channels such as doctors.

I'm pretty sure that will be enough. I have tried cold-turkey a few times in the last month and there is just no way.

Luckily I don't get addicted to benzos.


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Offlinejesse1
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: micro] * 1
    #22732843 - 01/03/16 05:29 PM (8 years, 26 days ago)

Jesse here.
Not an alcoholic.
AA threw me out
And labeled me
A psychopath.

Not fair!!


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OfflineJustForToday
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: jesse1]
    #22733127 - 01/03/16 07:07 PM (8 years, 26 days ago)

Shane, Alcoholic.

Just got out of treatment. I successfully got off of certain medications. I tried to carry the message to these kids in this rehab but they got all pissed off and got me kicked out eventually. So now i'm back home with family for a little bit.


--------------------
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Offlineneznaika2
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: JustForToday]
    #22733240 - 01/03/16 07:37 PM (8 years, 26 days ago)

Alexei, Alcoholic.

My life is a complete shit because of alcohol. I started drinking when I was 12. Pretty much everything in my life kind of fell right into places at first. Joined Marines did 4 years got out, went to college got my Masters degree, worked at good job. I kept drinking the whole time. Last spring I started getting delusional talked shit to my boss and walked off the job. Spent the whole summer drinking and just mindlessly walking around my townhouse. I kept making all kinds of threats to all my loved ones the whole summer. I became the person that I would despise. I was forced to stop September 8, 2015. Cops dragged me out of the house and sent me to VA. Spent 3 months at the hospital. They diagnosed me with PTSD, bipolar, and alcoholism of course. When I was on alcohol and still delusional life was somewhat bearable.

Now that I am sober for 4 months and reality hit me. I came to realize that I lost so many things. On top of that I cannot seem to make myself solve any of my problems. Even making an appointment to psychologist is extremely difficult for me so I don't do it. Pretty much I gave up on my life. The worst is that I have that feeling that nothing will ever be as fun as it is on alcohol (at first) so I will never really reach that pick of happiness that I am seeking. I have a 6 year old son that I just started to see again. Before I was to busy drinking.

Anyway at this point I realize the alcohol is not for me. Depressed and isolated here for the most part.


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Offlinem4dScientist
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: neznaika2]
    #22734840 - 01/04/16 07:35 AM (8 years, 26 days ago)

Hey alexei.

Don't give up man. Everything you just described is pretty normal for a recovering alcoholic.

There's hints of self hatred there in your post, which isn't going to go away overnight. Recovery is a journey man. You didn't become sick overnight so keep in mind you're not going to get well overnight either. There's a lot of ideas and beliefs you formed during your alcoholism, and it's going to be a struggle to overcome those thought processes. But as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, I promise you things will get better.

For me personally, I showed up to AA two years into my sobriety. Not because I felt like drinking again, but because I was two years sober and I wanted to commit suicide. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.

I know a lot of people in the program who have commit suicide because of their depression. AA ISNT the answer, but it is definitely part of the puzzle. If you feel like you need to see a psychiatrist, I would do so. Look at all areas of your life. Your diet, your recovery, your mental health, your social life. Start taking steps towards building these areas of your life and things WILL get better my friend.

Much love,
M4d


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Offlineneznaika2
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: m4dScientist]
    #22735000 - 01/04/16 08:48 AM (8 years, 26 days ago)

Hey M4d,

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. It is that first step that is impossible to make. First step is always hard to make, but when you don't see the point, it is impossible. Words can't describe it. I keep thinking maybe it's all laziness, but my way in life shows that I am not that lazy. Yeah I did too thought seriously about suicide but I don't think I can do it. Just scared of death now. Actually scared of everything to be exact. People around me keep telling me everything will get better, but I see it only getting worse. Because of massive amount of debt, repossest car, unpaid credit cards my credit score crashed. My job dealt with money. I have an accounting degree and MBA. So credit score usually gets checked during hiring process. A lot of regrets about wasting my time on military, college. It wasn't worth it in my case. And things didn't go down fast. It all was going down over two years or so. I went to psychiatrist to psychologist, groups. Tried to quit drinking but things were still going down no matter what I did. I gave up because no matter what I do I feel horrible. If I feel horrible I find it very hard to care about anything or anyone else. Everyone's situation is different, but I am pretty sure I am not the only one who feels like that. At this point I know I am done. I don't have any hope or will. If people could read what's going on in my head, they would probably stop telling me things will get better.

I find AAs boring plus I couldn't find one in my area when I felt like I needed to go. I don't talk much in groups so end up listening to everyone without a chance to tell what bothers me. AA is not effective for me.

For some reason I am certain that highlight of my life is over and soon I will have to survive so I don't starve (very new to me). Stressed out about everything yet cannot do anything about things. I do try to laugh about my life. That's the only thing I have left.


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Offlinem4dScientist
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: neznaika2] * 1
    #22735062 - 01/04/16 09:16 AM (8 years, 26 days ago)

Alexei.....

You're not lazy. You just don't believe you're capable of or deserving of a better life. That is BULLSHIT dude. I am a firm believer that my alcoholism wants me dead, and what you just said are the very thoughts that fuel my addiction.

You're stuck on the pity pot dude. Not to offend you, but in early sobriety that's how it often is. "Poor me. My life sucks. Things are never going to get better." You know what? You're right! IF that's the attitude you're going to carry moving forward.

Big deal, you messed your credit up. Who hasn't these days?

I wanna tell you. At the end of my alcoholism, I led the police on a high speed chase, intentionally rammed one of their cars in the hopes that they would shoot me, and when they didn't, I drove my car into a river and attempted to drown myself. I am only writing this post because a fireman at the scene pulled my lifeless body from my submerged car. I know exactly what you're feeling right now, maybe even to a greater extent with my own experience.

But your life will get better. Little by slowly. as I stated before, AA isn't the sole answer. But you should give it a chance. Maybe you went to a boring meeting but not all meetings are boring. There's people there who understand you, and who can support you in this difficult process.

I tried everything man. Journaling, yoga, meditation, psychedelics, medication, natural supplements, exercise, diet, acupuncture, this list goes on. My life never really improved until I started going to AA, met some good people who made me feel like I was a good person again, that I was and am an awesome person to be friends with, and got myself a sponsor with some life experience who shows me the ropes.

I'm not a bundle of joy all the time, and I still to this day can think in ways that reflect your post, but man, I've come a long way dude. And I'm not where I wanna be but I'm where I need to be. And life gets better all the time.

Yours can too. Give it a shot man.


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: m4dScientist]
    #22736114 - 01/04/16 03:18 PM (8 years, 25 days ago)

Alexei, I went to jail two times in my first year of sobriety...had $40,000.00 credit card debt,kids that hated me and no friends left that I hadn't fucked over sometime. I could expand on that list but I think you get my point.
I was in AA (court appointed) for 10 years before I finally had enough pain to put both feet into the program...I had no problem with the first step...finally. Alcohol beat me...I lost...all my attempts at control failed miserably...I was absolutely powerless and my life was completely and utterly unmanageable.
If you have a big book...read pg. # 417 (fourth edition) 449 in the third....this was one of the first readings in the big book that actually made sense to me. Also, get a sponsor that has a working knowledge of the program and ask him to help you work through the steps...this is the key...AA does not work if you don't work. There is no half-assed, watered down version.

The other thing that you should do is just ask God to help you stop drinking and do his or her will...I say this simple prayer every morning...I was told to, even if I didn't believe in God....Say..."If there is a God, please help me to not take a drink today and to do your will, not mine"....then say thank you at the end of the day. I fought this for a long time until I was beaten into submission...but, this is the key...I make no bones about it.Prayer works if followed by constructive action.:sunny::peace:


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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Invisiblemicro
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #22736687 - 01/04/16 06:14 PM (8 years, 25 days ago)

Pray in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first :rolleyes:

I don't think praying will stave off the DT's for me, but I get my benzos tomorrow.

I can drink to that! XD


--------------------
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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: micro] * 2
    #22737460 - 01/04/16 09:33 PM (8 years, 25 days ago)

Hi !I am a 26 year old man in recovery. The day I decided my life needed an overhaul was 4-20-15, and I tell people in twelve-step programs that the following day is my Sobriety date. If the wording of that sentence seems odd, perhaps it will make more sense as my story unfolds. Please excuse the length. This is not just the story of my recovery, it is my analysis of 12-step based recovery- what it's good at, and where there is room for improvement.


I grew up in a wonderful middle class Christian family of non-drinkers and non-drug users. 3 of my 4 grandparents had died of alcoholism before I was born.  At age 15 I felt very insecure and socially isolated. On Valentines day of 2005 I smoked marijuana for the first time, and I instantly felt my insecurities disappear, and I felt accepted by my peers. I proceeded to smoke marijuana every day, many times a day, much more so than any of my peers, thereafter. I walked around with a smile on my face all the time, and people perceived me as a happier, friendlier person, and I even got my first girlfriend because of that. I found that my focus was improved and that my classwork was far more interesting on marijuana. It seemed that marijuana was truly the solution.

After 6 months or so I was no longer satisfied with marijuana, however. Marijuana had become the way I always felt, and I wanted to change the way felt again. So I tried xanax. My fears and insecurities on xanax completely evaporated, to a dangerous level, and it made me willing to try any drug that came my way: cocaine,  alcohol, opiate painkillers, hallucinogens, you name it. I started stealing 2 bottles of wine almost every day and drinking myself to sleep.

My schoolwork and behavior started to suffer, and I got suspended, and my parents took me to my first 12 step meeting, which was a young-peoples "alternative peer group". I heard them talk about their Higher Power and how they were making improvements in their lives in the meeting, and then after the meeting would watch them chain smoke cigarettes, chug energy drinks, and talk about how they had dropped out of school and didn't seem to have any plans on going back. I looked at them as hypocrites in denial who had simply replaced one addiction for a series of others and a life of less-than-mediocrity. I did not want what they had.

I somehow managed to graduate high school with a relatively high GPA as a result of how well I'd done prior to senior year. I started going to college, and my drug use escalated. My parents got tired of my lies, and sent to my first 12-step based rehab at age 18.

At this point I realized I could not successfully continue to live the way I'd been living. If I had just kept to the marijuana, maybe I'd have been alright, but with all the other drugs, managing my life was becoming impossible. The rehab convinced me that for an addict, the only solution is complete abstinence from all mind-altering substances- that if I were to take any mind-altering substance, it would completely ruin whatever progress I'd made, and send me right back into cycle I'd been in.

As a result, when I left rehab, I was scared to use, and I moved to Arizona, into a halfway house. I went to AA/NA every day. I got a sponsor and worked the steps, up to 9. I started to chair meetings.  I gave a speaker meeting, sharing my testimony. I became very good at using the recovery lingo. I went back to college, and got a job tutoring algebra. At the superficial level, my life was going great.

But at around 5 months sober I read an article about Bill Wilson using LSD after he got sober during the 50s, and how he thought it could be of benefit to some people. I recalled my experience with LSD, which I had used in combination with other drugs, and wondered what it would be like with my new frame-of-mind. Perhaps it would even help me "grow and enlarge my spiritual life", and become more "God conscious".

I didn't know where to get and LSD in Arizona, but I knew how to get a similar drug called LSA. It didn't do very much for me other than give me the giggles, but I immediately felt a sense that something had changed: I could no longer be 100% honest with people in the program, or with my halfway-house manager, unless I admitted to "relapsing". If I told the truth to my halfway-house manager, I would be kicked out, and homeless, because I didn't have a job (my parents were paying for me to live there). I couldn't tell the truth in meetings either, because many of them were in contact with my halfway house manager (it was a small town).

I kept going to meetings for a few weeks, but felt very disconnected because I felt shame about what I'd done. I knew that people in the rooms would not approve. Once again, fear, insecurity, and social isolation crept into my life. The compulsion the change the way I felt- which was distinctly different from the curiosity that motivated my decision to take LSA- eventually overwhelmed me, and I did truly relapse on marijuana, which eventually escalated to crystal meth, the town's drug of choice.

When I was caught, I moved back to Houston. For the next 5 years, I was in and out rehabs and halfway houses. I eventually became hopeless, becoming increasingly convinced that I was either "too smart to get sober" (I managed to graduate college Magna Cum Laude and go to graduate school and become a teaching fellow at the local university despite addiction to opiates, alcohol, and amphetamines), or "constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself."

I started overdosing on opiates every 4-5 months, and was convinced I would die soon. My family was too. Last April, I took several bottles of over-the-counter Robitussin (a dissociative hallucinogen at high doses), and overdosed. I remember, with great pain even today, being in the hospital, hallucinating, with severe abdominal pain, being told that they were running blood tests because they thought my kidneys and liver might be failing.Overdosing when you are unconscious and unaware and feeling blissful is one thing, but overdosing when you're not only conscious but hallucinating and in severe pain is altogether different.

It was then that I decided, if I lived, that I never wanted to be that terrified again. I always gone to very nice rehabs before, but my parents had long ago decided sending me to rehab was a waste of money. I checked myself into a very cheap 12-step based rehab program on April 18th. I was given detox meds for 2 days, which is way I claim the 21st as my DOS.

The housing and food were awful, but the program itself was, perhaps, a "God-send".  The greatest gift I was given by this program was that I was not told that I just needed to "keep it simple", that maybe I was just "too smart for the program". Instead, as soon as it was recognized that I was an analytical person, I was introduced to the neurological research behind addictionology. I was given a thorough, sensible, and logical explanation of the relationship between compulsion in terms the glutamate pathways connecting the mesolimbic dopamine circuit to the prefrontal cortex.

For the first time, I was given answers that TRULY satisfied me about why I wanted to change the way I felt, what would happen if I kept changing the way I felt by abusing the dopamine circuit, and what would happen if I stopped changing the way I felt by the  same means. For the first time, I was able to say that I was grateful for what I'd learned in recovery, and really mean it. Nevertheless, the program I was in adopted the same "there are addicts and there are non addicts and never the twain shall meet", "once an addict always an addict" mentality I was accustomed to. In the beginning, this did not bother me, as I truly had a desire to be rid of the obsession.

When I completed the program, I started going back to AA, got a sponsor, and started working the steps. Despite my analytical nature, I was desperate and willing, and I started praying every morning for God to help me make the right decisions. It became clear in my fourth and fifth step that I was certainly not constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. I shared the roots of my insecurities had been plaguing me throughout my life, which I discovered had me feel socially isolated, and for the first time I was able to look the world in the eye. I came to the understanding that everyone has reasons to feel insecure, but that each person only feels as insecure as they allow those reasons to make them feel.

With the help of my sponsor, I was able to discern how those insecurities had manifested as character defects throughout my life. I was always willing to pray the prayers, like the 7th step prayer, to have God remove the character defects. I made amends with those I had harmed over the years, and truly began to feel a sense that I was growing up and taking responsibility for my life. I always gave credit for the results of my actions to the God I prayed to in the morning.

Around 4 and a half  months sober, I "completed" the steps, (though of course, 10-12 are ongoing, and I still have several financial amend to fulfill). I began to feel very confident in my sobriety. I had not only gotten sober, but I had changed my diet and exercise, and had lost 40 pounds (and proceed to lose 20 more). I began to become very interested in socializing- though not especially with people in the program, many of whom I had difficulty relating with outside of meetings.

At the end of September, I was contacted by an old friend with whom I used to take "magic mushrooms". I realized that most people in the program would say he was "not really a friend" but just an associate with whom I used to use. He asked if I wanted to take some mushrooms. At first, I said no- I had no interest in changing the way that I felt.

What he told me struck me powerfully. He told me that taking mushrooms is not about changing the way you feel, it is about feeling who you are at a deeper level. I felt confident that even if I used mushrooms once, with my previous experience in mind having made a similar "mistake", I would not then proceed to relapse out of shame. I would either enjoy the experience, and be grateful for the experience, and continue to live life as I had been living, or I would not enjoy it, and be grateful for the experience, and continue to live life as I had been living.

I decided to take the mushrooms. What I experienced was difficult to describe- it was like a several hour long moment-of-clarity. I felt increased empathy for my fellow humans, and for animals, I felt the importance of my ideologies melt away. I felt simultaneous joy and sadness- not for myself, but for all of the experiences being had by my fellow humans. I felt connected to all of them at the fundamental level of emotion. Most importantly, I felt.- I was not numb. At the end of the day, I thanked God for the results of my actions, with my gratitude than I had felt any other time I'd prayed the same prayer.

I did not proceed to relapse. I continued to live life just as I had been living it, with on caveat- I did not tell anyone in the program I'd used mushrooms. The reason for this is simple. Most of them would consider it a "relapse" and advise me to figure out where I "went wrong" working the steps and perhaps to increase my meeting attendance. But I did not "go wrong" working the steps, and I do not need to increase my meeting attendance.

I have taken mushrooms several times since then. It is never motivated by a desire to "change the way I feel". I simply consider it to be a way of facilitating the appreciation of and gratitude for God's creation.  I have now been in recovery for over 8 months, and the question of "whether or not I am sober" is seems trivial to me. The questions I ask my self are:Am I being honest with myself? Am I being open-minded?  Am I doing the right thing? The Big Book says that the three indispensable spiritual principles to recovery are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.



It's been a winding journey for me to arrive where I am today. The 12 steps helped me grow up emotionally. They helped me not to take myself so seriously. They helped me to become "right sized" in relation to the world: neither falsely insecure, nor puffed up by false pride. They gave me to framework to repair the bridges I had burned over the years. I am eternally grateful to my sponsor, to Bill, to God, and to my fellows in the rooms for these miracles.

Just as there is always room for individual improvement, however, there is room for improvement in the 12 step groups. These are areas that I believe could be improved:
  • Less emphasis could placed on the supposed differences between addicts and "normies" The truth is that all people suffer or have suffered from some fears and insecurities. The only difference is the degree and extent to which they affect a given person. Addicts have the entire human condition in common with "normies", the difference is the way in which they have behaved in response to it. Even at neurological level, every person uses the brain system implicated in the addictive process, the only difference is the extent to which this brain system is pathological- and this is not a dichotomy but rather a continuum. Some people in 12 step groups become so accustomed the way in which discussions take place among 12-steppers that their sense of "separateness" from the rest of the world actually increases rather than decreases, and they find it difficult to form relationships with the people they think of as "normies".

  • The principle of open-mindedness seems to be superficial among most 12-steppers. The most prevalent subtextual version of open-mindedness in the rooms is, "be open-minded, as long as your mind eventually agrees with us, or else you can't recover." What Bill had in mind was getting Atheists/agnostics to be open-minded to the idea that a higher power/God can restore them to sanity, and to taking suggestions from sponsors. Bill himself was open-minded enough to try LSD and conclude that it had potential for some people, but most AA members were not. The attitude they took was, "The original way, or no way."  Many if not most AA members are not open-minded enough to consider that someone can take a substance like mushrooms or LSD on occasion without compromising their sobriety. This can drive some people away, especially as society becomes increasingly aware of these substances' potential to alter consciousness.

  •   Some meetings, in which people are more educated, could benefit honest discussion about the limits of the Big Book and areas in which modern scientific research fills the explanatory gaps. It shouldn't be taboo to share solutions that don't come straight out the Big Book. This would appeal to a great number of people who, like I was for so many years, are driven away by the notion that the 12 step programs are just for dummies.




If you read my entire story, I appreciate your attention and time, which are valuable to you, and would value your input. As always, I am grateful to God for the results of my actions, and I hope that at least one person hears his voice through my words.


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Registered: 02/20/12
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: morrowasted] * 1
    #22738741 - 01/05/16 08:26 AM (8 years, 25 days ago)

Thanks for that morrowasted...thanks for the honesty.I've been involved in AA for all of my almost 17 years sober...have taken mushrooms half a dozen or so times and feel, like you, that they help with my program rather than hinder it....I make my intentions before the trip to help my spirituality by asking God for help with insights and have never been let down.I feel and see the divine in almost everything now adays...a connectedness that I never had.  I also agree with you that there are many AA's who wouldn't understand this. I sponsor people and don't bring up my use of mushrooms unless I feel they are well on their way and could benefit themselves....so far only one pigeon....I don't want them to get crossed signals about the use of them.
I also don't bring up my use of them in meetings when sharing but I did tell my sponsor, who has  mixed feelings about them.

I also like to read about what makes drugs and alcohol do the things they do and why I am alcoholic and others are not. I have discussions with friends in and out of the rooms about these things but don't feel like they should be seriously discussed in the rooms.I feel like "information" does not help to keep me sober and have the level of "peace of mind" I have today...actions do...and the 12 steps are the actions that got me here.
I don't give advice in rooms, I just tell what I did to get me to this point...One of the most critical is prayer, of course, but the other is 12 step work...I was my groups institution rep for 8 years and volunteered a meeting at a rehab facility every Friday night for 15 years...this kept me active by reaching out and finding speakers and such...as well as sharing my experience, strength and hope. I just stopped the friday night thing because they relocated their facility too far away and feel a need to fill that void.Ya see, the one thing I love the most about the gift of sobriety is seeing that look of hope come to a face of previous hopelessness.
The big book says that nothing insures my sobriety like intensive work with another alcoholic.....and, that is what I've witnessed as people who have latched on to this better life or who have failed and gone back out. I have seen many take their will back and have almost grown cold from all the deaths...Alcoholic death sucks and brings down many lives around it.But, the risk of that fate matters little to anyone  still drinking because, in their mind, it won't happen to them.
Anyway, great post morrowasted...keep coming back!


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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