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Morphrying
Innocent as Hell
Registered: 06/21/00
Posts: 2,465
Loc: seated
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Pooping at work
#2121594 - 11/19/03 12:36 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles & suddenly felt somthing brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in & check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave & come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not >happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a maching gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work & is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper of magazine under his/her arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building, where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall & tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking & vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe tap that is used to alert portential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that tthe stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an emparrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAM-COUGH.
Happy pooping
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Tremor1127
Mental Member
Registered: 08/10/03
Posts: 3,404
Loc: In a Van Down By the Rive...
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Morphrying]
#2121613 - 11/19/03 12:45 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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CoolBlue
n00b
Registered: 09/16/03
Posts: 619
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Morphrying]
#2121615 - 11/19/03 12:46 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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LOL truly excellent 5 shrooms!
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Muppet
Nomadic Jester
Registered: 08/14/02
Posts: 28,785
Loc: (523) 327-2836
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Morphrying]
#2121622 - 11/19/03 12:48 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I obviously don't understand Pub humor
-------------------- Ravings of a Madman
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oDin
Registered: 08/12/99
Posts: 5,789
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Morphrying]
#2121655 - 11/19/03 01:05 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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hehe thats was some funknee stuff there mr OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER..you know you are
nice post
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Xochitl
synchronicitycircuit
Registered: 07/15/03
Posts: 1,241
Loc: the brainforest
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Morphrying]
#2121679 - 11/19/03 01:20 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I am proud to say I am an out of the closet pooper
-------------------- As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know. -Donald Rumsfeld 2/2/02 Pentagon
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seraphim
pugilist andstamp licker
Registered: 07/31/00
Posts: 441
Loc: brooklyn, ny
Last seen: 16 years, 8 months
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Xochitl]
#2121688 - 11/19/03 01:26 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Seriously. 8hours+ at work, 5 days a week, damn right I am going to do plenty of pooping there. A great feeling is needing to take your good morning poop and finding that you are fist person to use them since they have been cleaned. Ah, it's like your first time, all over again...
-------------------- trying to lose the monkey mind a little bit
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oDin
Registered: 08/12/99
Posts: 5,789
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: seraphim]
#2121699 - 11/19/03 01:33 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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hehe
or like sometimes...you go in there and make that stall your own man....i mean totally....the ceremonial flush ....you feel lucky to have survived and to have that rank evil out of you.....and you leave undetected...thank god....cause you know what horror you left....and from a safe vantage point a hapless soul is spied innocently walking in to olfactory hell....good times
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Dobie
Dopeless Hopefiend
Registered: 08/15/02
Posts: 52,841
Loc: ON DA BLOCK
Last seen: 7 months, 18 days
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: oDin]
#2121902 - 11/19/03 03:53 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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when i was in jail courtousy flush was the rules fools get beat down for not
-------------------- This place is gayer than when the balls touch
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DMJ
creepyatmosphere
Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 233
Loc: Dungeon
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Dobie]
#2121976 - 11/19/03 05:40 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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My sitch: I work 3rds. There is only ONE bathroom, that the crackheads and other junkies can't seem to keep the shit in the toilet. They have a shit flinging fest in there.....soooooo, what to do. Unlike the other 2 shifts, I am all alone in the middle of the night. Oh, what to do??? It pisses off some customers, but I just lock the doors, and make a bee-line for home(about a 4 minute drive), then I comfortably relax on my throne. Afterwards, I spark one up, just for wasting some more tim while on the clock, then head back to work. Total time is usually around 30 minutes away from work. FREE $$$$!! Now, even IF the toilet area IS clean, I still go home, as I can't leave the store open and unattended, as it would definitely be robbed. Besides all of that, if you think you have a shitting in public restroom problem, you never met me!!! I acquired crabs at the age of 13, in a public restroom, try explainig THAT to the DR.!!!! No one ever believes you, but it does happen. This caused me so much paranoia, that I have never used a public toilet since....13 years and going!!! I'd rather squat in a ditch on the highway, then wait for the next reststop!
-------------------- I come alive in the darkness.
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Sheepish
Registered: 04/02/02
Posts: 10,137
Loc: Exile
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Morphrying]
#2124249 - 11/20/03 01:00 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I don't know why some people fear shitting at work. All the places I've worked at had somewhat decent toilets, that were always cleaner than your average public toilet. Take your sweet fucking time when shitting, cause they're paying you for it!
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Cowb0yNeal00
Registered: 06/05/13
Posts: 11,059
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hahaha I've been looking for a good poop thread all day this one cracked me up. Cheers!
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Rustifer
prestige worldwide
Registered: 04/10/05
Posts: 7,071
Loc: Central Texas
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They used to call me 3 shits at one of my old jobs. Because I would go to the bathroom 3 times a day for 5-10 minutes.
I was fixing dope, not shitting.
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Cowb0yNeal00
Registered: 06/05/13
Posts: 11,059
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Rustifer]
#22691642 - 12/23/15 06:14 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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lol what kinda doope
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Zombi3
Bella Ciao!!
Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 27,086
Loc: Bat Country
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This is the only lolsy poop thread lol
-------------------- You’ve Met With A Terrible Fate, Haven’t You? Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!! In Crust We Trust
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Rustifer
prestige worldwide
Registered: 04/10/05
Posts: 7,071
Loc: Central Texas
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black tar heroin sir. Sometimes meth or coke too.
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clock_of_omens
razzle them dazzle them
Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 4,097
Last seen: 1 year, 3 months
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Re: Pooping at work [Re: Rustifer]
#22691687 - 12/23/15 06:20 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Lol, the Astaire. This thread is ridiculous.
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