Hi all, I never explored this part of the forum before, despite several of my posts elsewhere mentioning my problems with alcohol.
After two months being entirely sober (mushrooms were the biggest help during this break) I had a beer on my birthday, which led after a few months to the complete break down of my relationship with my partner who I miss every minute, a forced move of address, complete loneliness and now something close to half a bottle of vodka a night.
I cannot with any certainty state that I have the alcoholic gene; the reasons for my self obliteration are probably complex, arising from issues of self worth, entirely poor decision making re my adult life (now well into my 30s) and an overarching impulsivity. But I can state that I have a serious problem, that I’ve promised myself a thousand times I had to quit, get out, break free, just stop treating myself like I’m someone I hate or don’t want to hear.
A lot of crying in the car park outside of work while I write this. I’ve been to a few AA meetings over the years but they never stuck, in part because of the “cult like” aspect of the thing, but mostly due to circumstances changing, employment getting in the way, etc.
I’ve had easily half a dozen rock bottoms and however I manage to pull myself out I know I’m close to getting to another…and I just don’t want this anymore.
So I guess I’ll tenuously post that I’ll try seeking out a local meeting over the next few days. I need people in my life, any people, because me by myself is just disastrous and in part I know I’m better than this.
Anyway have a great day everyone. I’ll try pull myself together so I can keep my job for another week
|
I don’t want to sound like a broken record anymore.
I’m just broken and stuck on repeat.
From a vibrant, perceptive, creative, passionate and drive. Younger man (albeit one who had a “problem”) I have become terrified of myself of late; aware only of the depressive and or anxious psychological weather, losing my proverbial shit whilst sober around the few friends I have in my life and enduring a fucking horrid, evil, annihilating cycle born of and cured by this most disgusting of drugs.
I’m drinking now. This is the opposite of anything enjoyable.
I’ve been an alcoholic for a long time. I’ve failed detox twice due to crippling anxiety/ptsd when it comes to other peoples behaviour. I’ve lost all ability to create or adventure without someone else making the plan and picking me up. I am alone nine nights out of ten.
And I know alcohol isn’t the only problem. It’s the problem I cause by using it to ignore the other problems. But it has soiled and ruined so much. I’m so tired. I sleep like 4-5 hrs a night lately.
And for the first time ever I’m beginning to question the capacity of my sanity to endure what I’m doing to it. If I got deep and honest with you I’d burst into tears. I’ll cry later—probably at 2am when I wake up with no idea of what happened and my heart hammering at 120 bpm between my ears.
Yesterday was a good day off spent by a waterfall until I started drinking at 3pm. Every day was better than how it ended after I drank. Every day. I’ve lost so much and I know I’ll lose more. It’s like there’s some—thing that is actively trying to destroy me, and I’ve a million promises I broke to myself over the past 18 years to show for all of this solitude and repetition and destruction. Just broken vows, ruined self belief, trust in others and myself evaporated.
Gah this is truly pathetic. I’ve been in denial for a long time re AA. I’ve been to a several meetings over the last few years, but given my upbringing I could never dodge the irksome “god” thing. I thought my higher power might be the “realm of the psychedelic trip”—that wellspring of so many ideas and encouragement and learning—but because of alcohol I haven’t been able to take more than 0.3g for the last 18 months. I get to the day and find every excuse to duck the mirror and instead dive into the distillery. I’ve actually been praying things are so bad right now, and all I hear is myself answering “it’s all on you. God is fucking waay too busy helping people who deserve it.” But then I leave it up to myself and I’ll try and drown me in beer and wine and vodka.
Ahhh shroomery, surely this has to be just another rock bottom. I need to get to an AA meeting. I won’t today. I can’t drive today. No one’s coming to pick me up or sit beside me. I don’t blame them. I’ll hold on—I just deeply need this all to change, as soon as possible.
Sorry, I’m hopeless and yet I know I’m such a decent soul. Just needed to bleed for a minute.
Sorry, sorry.
|