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neznaika2
Stranger
Registered: 12/18/15
Posts: 26
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: JustForToday]
#22733240 - 01/03/16 07:37 PM (8 years, 26 days ago) |
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Alexei, Alcoholic.
My life is a complete shit because of alcohol. I started drinking when I was 12. Pretty much everything in my life kind of fell right into places at first. Joined Marines did 4 years got out, went to college got my Masters degree, worked at good job. I kept drinking the whole time. Last spring I started getting delusional talked shit to my boss and walked off the job. Spent the whole summer drinking and just mindlessly walking around my townhouse. I kept making all kinds of threats to all my loved ones the whole summer. I became the person that I would despise. I was forced to stop September 8, 2015. Cops dragged me out of the house and sent me to VA. Spent 3 months at the hospital. They diagnosed me with PTSD, bipolar, and alcoholism of course. When I was on alcohol and still delusional life was somewhat bearable.
Now that I am sober for 4 months and reality hit me. I came to realize that I lost so many things. On top of that I cannot seem to make myself solve any of my problems. Even making an appointment to psychologist is extremely difficult for me so I don't do it. Pretty much I gave up on my life. The worst is that I have that feeling that nothing will ever be as fun as it is on alcohol (at first) so I will never really reach that pick of happiness that I am seeking. I have a 6 year old son that I just started to see again. Before I was to busy drinking.
Anyway at this point I realize the alcohol is not for me. Depressed and isolated here for the most part.
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neznaika2
Stranger
Registered: 12/18/15
Posts: 26
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: m4dScientist]
#22735000 - 01/04/16 08:48 AM (8 years, 26 days ago) |
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Hey M4d,
Thanks for your comments and suggestions. It is that first step that is impossible to make. First step is always hard to make, but when you don't see the point, it is impossible. Words can't describe it. I keep thinking maybe it's all laziness, but my way in life shows that I am not that lazy. Yeah I did too thought seriously about suicide but I don't think I can do it. Just scared of death now. Actually scared of everything to be exact. People around me keep telling me everything will get better, but I see it only getting worse. Because of massive amount of debt, repossest car, unpaid credit cards my credit score crashed. My job dealt with money. I have an accounting degree and MBA. So credit score usually gets checked during hiring process. A lot of regrets about wasting my time on military, college. It wasn't worth it in my case. And things didn't go down fast. It all was going down over two years or so. I went to psychiatrist to psychologist, groups. Tried to quit drinking but things were still going down no matter what I did. I gave up because no matter what I do I feel horrible. If I feel horrible I find it very hard to care about anything or anyone else. Everyone's situation is different, but I am pretty sure I am not the only one who feels like that. At this point I know I am done. I don't have any hope or will. If people could read what's going on in my head, they would probably stop telling me things will get better.
I find AAs boring plus I couldn't find one in my area when I felt like I needed to go. I don't talk much in groups so end up listening to everyone without a chance to tell what bothers me. AA is not effective for me.
For some reason I am certain that highlight of my life is over and soon I will have to survive so I don't starve (very new to me). Stressed out about everything yet cannot do anything about things. I do try to laugh about my life. That's the only thing I have left.
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neznaika2
Stranger
Registered: 12/18/15
Posts: 26
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
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Re: Alcoholics Anonymous (Come and share thread) [Re: Thayendanegea]
#22899003 - 02/13/16 08:42 AM (7 years, 11 months ago) |
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Alexei, Alcoholic
I think Shroomery is a good website for AA. I keep reading heartbreaking stories of your lives and recovery and it gives me hope. It helps me to vent here so I don't have to go to AA. Someone from AA gave me their 3 months coin for some reason lol.
I have family that still supports me, but their help comes at the price of losing my dignity. I stopped drinking for 5 months and so far I keep losing my battle against alcohol (it still on my mind). I keep living in the past when I was self sufficient individual and could "control" my drinking. I still have some social life, but it just not the same without drinking. Everyone notices it too around me.
Materialistically, I still have almost everything I want. In some aspects I am getting better, my depression is fading away. The biggest thing I struggle with is finding, what do I really want out of this life? I can't enjoy things the way I used to.
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