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weshroom



Registered: 11/19/06
Posts: 3,657
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
#22507652 - 11/11/15 12:16 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Sometimes it's very hard to see how things could change because change is a process and often it is so gradual that you don't even notice it till it has happened. Or you never think that things will change till you are looking back on them. There is no set "You", even though it can feel that way from time to time.
There have been many many people who feel trapped, but there are ways of changing your state both internally (medication/therapy) and externally (environment/lifestyle) and many of these people feel stuck till they gradually develop a new outlook based on making changes in their life.
At least give these two options a try and see what happens. You really have nothing to lose compared to the alternative.
I've always felt that if it comes down to it and I feel totally stuck in life, there is always that option just sell your things, move to totally new place and start new life. You could move to new state or even new country. You could teach English in Thailand and have a radically different lifestyle than what you have now. Or just backpack, hiking a long trail (like Pacific Crest or Appalachian trail).
And/Or you could try volunteering with children with special needs and spend time helping others for a while. Most children will love you more than you can imagine and by just being there for them you can help them in a positive way.
There is nothing wrong with seeing other therapists/psychiatrists and trying to find a medication that works for you. I have a friend who was very dissociated that past few years but he found a doctor that he doesn't mind seeing and a medication regimen that works for him. He is more grounded, clear headed, and himself that I have seen him in years and perhaps as long as I have known him.
At least consider these options, you really have nothing to lose by trying them. There will always be people out there who can and do care about you. This forum is a living example, we do care about you and are here for you.
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: weshroom]
#22508317 - 11/11/15 08:17 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
EM455 said: Moonrocky mushy thank you so much, you seem really kind and thoughtful too actually I hate what life does to us all too. I agree that we are all family in a way. I don't see how things could get better, but yeah that would be nice.
We don't get to see how things will change, and that is hard, but it's also a blessing in disguise. I don't know what you're facing, but I strongly believe that you will be more equipped than you think now to handle it when you get there. That's been my experience at least. Fearing something in the future, and fearing that you're not good enough to handle it is the worst part. Once you get there you will see that you can. All you need is patience, hope, a little faith that we are put here to do more than just suffer. You don't need to be perfect, nobody is, you just need to do right by yourself and others.
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JacksonMetaller
Stranger

Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 13,361
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
#22508835 - 11/11/15 10:59 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
EM455 said:
JacksonMetaller I understand what you say about consciousness and I think that's very possible, in that case, maybe losing consciousness is not the right way of saying it but there would still be a huge change/shift in my state of consciousness...probably for the better but still a bit overwhelming and scary for me. "Internal or external but the fact remains you can change it for the better if you choose to do so. It won't be easy, but it's possible in nearly every case". That differs from everything I've seen in others, read etc...most people I've heard of who've been suicidal never end up being ok, they just struggle for years as I have too and things have only gotten worse over time. Some people do get better but it would seem they are the minority, and even those who do always mention how it never goes away completely and how it's always a struggle. "What do you imagine a perfect life to be like?" Well my idea of a perfect life is impossible: it's a life where no one would ever have to change, get sick, grow old, suffer or die. Change in general really gets to me. "Maybe your apprehension comes from the fact that there is something more you need from this life before its over". There must indeed be things that I could get from life, things others might get but that I'll never get myself because of how my life works and all the things that happen in it and how they affect me. By the way, I always wanted to take off too, so I guess we have that in common ^^
Well I have my own opinions as to why people don't get better. Just like people keep getting physically sicker despite how much science we've accumulated on disease. Unless you address the actual cause of the pathology, improvement is minimal. I like to take an evolutionary approach when it comes to addressing causality. Ie how far have we fallen from the environment that shaped us. People are starting to understand more and more how dietary choices which are in-congruent with the evolution of our metabolism are damning to health, but don't realize how changes in social interaction have impacted our mental development. For much of our existence we were far more egalitarian. Maybe not perfectly so. There was some mild division of labor based on gender/age/etc, but cooperativity and social interaction is what gave us strength. Trust strengthened us and trust comes from vulnerability. If you've ever been in a really healthy relationship you know the best part is when you can tell your lover anything. Drugs don't hold a candle to that feeling. That kind of reward is only associated with things of serious importance to our well-being. Life nowadays is about competition against your fellow human. Since you enter middle school you're competing for popularity, competing grades, extra-curricular programs, etc. In a competitive model strength comes from hiding your vulnerability. It comes from standing on others. If you can do so simply by calling them a nigger or a faggot, even better. They don't stand a chance no matter how skilled they are if you can discredit them on petty features. Nobody talks about the issues that matter anymore because they're afraid to show themselves. Half of us walk around with masks on smiling and commenting on the weather while we accumulate trauma and depression and anxiety. It's a damned lonely existence.
From personal experience I can tell you that improvement is possible and that environment plays a big role. I had been struggling with severe depression most of my life. I would try to get over this like most by finding a hobby and friends who shared that interest. But eventually I would lose my momentum and it would all fall apart. Eventually getting high was the only thing keeping me happy after long days of chronic bs. Then about a year ago I came down with a bunch of health issues and a tumor that they thought might be malignant. Turned out it wasn't, but i didn't know that for several months. Anyways, totally hit rock bottom. Gave up on everything and decided I wanted to live my final days happy. Quit school and spent all day reading, cooking, learning stuff. I was studying science so I used the tumor as a topic of interest and just went to work. But it was different than typical work. It was all my choice. No competitors. No one to tell me how to think or what to think. No one telling me my work was or wasn't good enough. When I got tired of working on my health issues I would drop the topic entirely and start learning something else like musical theory. I would spend hours doing that for days or weeks then get bored and go back to reading health science. Everything energized me because everything was about making me a better and healthier person in every way. The second I went back to school that fell apart. All competition all the time. Nothing about ingenuity. All the science I enjoyed reading was being hampered by all the science I was being told I "had" to read. I'm starting to realize that my time will never belong to me as long as I'm a part of this system.
So I identified something in my life that was massively out of touch with my internal nature. That being the social/work environment. This may be your issue, or not at all your issue. The point is sometimes you have to challenge everything to find out what it is you want. Let go of everything and see what's really important to you. A lot of people don't get better because they don't let go of the things that are hurting them. You are old enough to have your own perspective now, so see how that can potentially shape a new life for you if you're willing to start from scratch. You'll have to let go of hope for a life where no one will get old and die. You're already planning your suicide so I think you should perhaps dig around the issue a little more and find out what your ideal life REALLY is. Permanence is pointless if there is nothing of interest to fill the time. Change surely hurts and is an unpleasant experience, but it brings with it opportunity. So think a little more on that. If everything is going to change how can you be surfing those waves and not drowning underneath them?
I hope this is coherent and helpful :P School is once again demanding my time and forcing me to rush. And again, I'm not saying this to convince you not to do it. But I think it's pretty obvious you're holding on to some form of hope whether you realize it or not. If you weren't you wouldn't be so apprehensive and I would say you truly have nothing to live for. I think you should at least working towards identifying what it is that you want and whether it's truly feasible first This life is surely a rough one. Just keep seeking the light, and when you catch a glimpse hunt that fucker down and own it.
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olson
Stranger

Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 386
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: JacksonMetaller]
#22508986 - 11/11/15 11:45 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Hey man, I'm not gonna try to talk you out of it but I'll just say this. If you've experienced some tragedy or if there's something you did wrong or failed to do, it can be worked through.You will see it in a different way in time. You mention you're not quite ready to take the plunge, like there's something holding you back. That's a good thing, you still have life in you. Maybe you could try and figure out what there is to live for. You've got plenty of time to make the decision so don't rush into it. Make sure its thought out and for the right reasons.
For what its worth, I sincerely hope you make it through.
--------------------
Kinesin, a motor protein, shuttling a vesicle full of cargo such as glucose or even neurotransmitters across a cell. This little guy struts along the microtubule using ATP as fuel.
Edited by olson (11/11/15 11:49 AM)
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
#22514140 - 11/12/15 01:54 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Still hanging in my friend? You're braver than you know. Give yourself some credit.
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EM455
Dominican newbie


Registered: 08/29/08
Posts: 192
Loc: Santo Domingo, Dominican ...
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: moonrockmushy] 2
#22522746 - 11/14/15 02:40 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Thank you all for your answers and support. I'm trying to process all this information and to figure everything out. No matter what happens to me in the end, you are all amazing people and I am trully thankful towards you all.
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 10 hours, 29 minutes
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
#22543011 - 11/18/15 05:34 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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My life changed when I learned about self hatred.
Self loathing is very common. It's not a disease. It fuels depression and can lead to suicide.
It's such an incredibly important topic. I can provide more info if you'd like.
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: RJ Tubs 202] 1
#22547235 - 11/19/15 03:05 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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just think, if this person was approached in RL, and anyone was like "here let me show you something, let me help you out", you'd get arrested and charged, if caught, because you're sociopathically assisting someone in a suicide...and even so, half the people here should get their head checked by a professional.
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EM455
Dominican newbie


Registered: 08/29/08
Posts: 192
Loc: Santo Domingo, Dominican ...
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: akira_akuma]
#22551586 - 11/20/15 01:00 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Sorry that I don't check this as often as I should or would like to...rough times. @RJ tubs 202 I'd love more info. Thanks. @Akira_akuma yeah I know, you might be right
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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


Registered: 09/08/14
Posts: 3,186
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: Kinko]
#22553081 - 11/20/15 08:43 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kinko said: do you have a garage ? leave the car running and roll down the Windows with the garage door closed , see you on the other side
What in the actual fuck? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS? You fucking sadistic asshole.
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,016
Loc: USA
Last seen: 10 hours, 29 minutes
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
#22553915 - 11/21/15 01:28 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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I'm not quite sure about how to use the address you posted, so I will put this here . . .
Two good books I like are below. Simply reading the reviews on Amazon is informative.
"Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternative to Despair" by Theodore I. Rubin
"There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate" by Cheri Huber
This second one is a free e-book, here http://www.slideshare.net/electricfoxcat/ebook-15360072
Realize that if you read anything on the subject, your mind will likely tell you that it's stupid and fluffy nonsense and really has no meaning. Self hatred is a sneaky seductive thing, and it wants to stay hidden. It's the ego. Feeling much better than others and feeling like a no-good dumb worthless person are simply two sides of the same coin.
Take care. Remember to be kind to yourself.
~ Rob
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