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OfflineEM455
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I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read
    #22500661 - 11/09/15 02:24 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Hi. I know this is long, but please....
I haven't been in the shroomery for a while and have been "keeping in touch" through the facebook closed group so I'm not sure this is as active as it used to be: I hope it is. I quit psychedelics some years ago due to anxiety and my life being too crazy and broken in general but anyway, this is not what this post is about. The thing is, I really need to kill myself soon in order to avoid extremely traumatic experiences that are unavoidable and will change my already miserable life in unbelievable ways (i would explain, but it's too traumatic to talk about and I just can't). No meds or counseling can help, and I really don't want to be here and wouldn't have a life worth calling "life". The problem is, I am too afraid and anxious to do it. It's like I can't bring myself to just do it and it gives me so much distress. I wonder if there's any way I can psychologically prepare for something like that and come to terms with everything and all the fears surrounding it. I don't even know what it is I am afraid of. There's info about methods to kill yourself out there but nothing to help you mentally deal with it. I am in so much pain. I can only find stupid "don't do it" posts on google and advice that doesn't really apply to me at all. I came here because I know there's a variety of very smart people and some might help without trying to dissuade me. What can I do to finally kill myself? I can't do drugs or psychedelics: I have no access to anything at the moment plus my anxiety wouldn't let me. Also, I have no friends and no family so no one would be hurt. Please.


Edited by EM455 (11/10/15 07:36 AM)


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OfflineKinko
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
    #22500674 - 11/09/15 02:27 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

do you have a garage ? leave the car running and roll down the Windows with the garage door closed , see you on the other side:lookslucrative:


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OfflineEM455
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: Kinko]
    #22500695 - 11/09/15 02:32 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I don't have a garage, but my problem is not so much about which method to use but about getting myself psychologically ready. Thanks though ^_^


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OfflineJacksonMetaller
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
    #22501326 - 11/09/15 04:52 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Stay strong man. I won't tell you not to do it. I was there myself just recently and there is no point suffering for nothing if that's how you truly feel about life. I just worry that your need to psychologically prepare for it indicates something worth holding on to. Wish you would share the reasonings but I understand otherwise. Sometimes simply getting it off your chest and having someone to hear you can make you more comfortable and prepared for whatever decision you ultimately make though.

For me there never was any preparation. It was a trigger and whenever it was pressed I would do anything to escape. If I contemplated it too long I would become apprehensive. Have you identified what things in your life might be standing in the way of you doing this? Ie, how your family would feel? A pet you would leave behind? Or do you have some sort of instinct that there is another way out you would rather take? I think one of the things that held me back was that I knew deep down I would rather say "fuck it" to everything, ditch all contacts, drive to the middle of nowhere and take up residence far away from my troubles before killing myself. I always told myself it was impractical, but deep down I think I often feel it's worth it to just totally start over.


Edited by JacksonMetaller (11/09/15 04:54 PM)


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Offlinecircastes
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: JacksonMetaller]
    #22501561 - 11/09/15 05:29 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

How about - there's something terribly wrong with your brain, millions have been there, and there is help available, whole hospital wards dedicated to listening to your problems?

Either that or go smoke DMT and tell me this isn't all sacred, and taking your own life probably has ramifications.


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OfflineEM455
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: JacksonMetaller]
    #22501892 - 11/09/15 06:32 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks for your answer JacksonMetaller. I don't have pets and I have 0 relationship with my family, I think it's the fact of losing consciousness for good that scares me (even if there was an afrerlife after all, it still feels that way). We are so used to being alive and having thoughts and it's just disturbing. We all have trouble believing in our deaths to some extent and that doesn't help either. I also suspect, as much as I hate to admit it, that I may have liked myself more than I thought at some point in my life. I am pretty depersonalized and derealized and to some extent it feels like I was killing someone else, too...the child I once was or something. And survival instincts may be playing a role too. I'm also very anxious and anxiety mostly makes you feel you're gonna die and makes you panic about it, so it's hard to do the exact same thing your body and brain fight so hard to avoid. There's also the fear of failing and ending up with brain damage or locked up at a ward for attempting suicide which both would make my situation worse. I'm not very good at doing things in general and wherever I read about suicide methods it all sounds so complex and like so much could go wrong that it's overwhelming. Also death is a disturbing subject for me in itself.


Edited by EM455 (11/09/15 06:42 PM)


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OfflineEM455
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: circastes]
    #22501921 - 11/09/15 06:36 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

@Circastes I understand your point and appreciate it and I do think there might be something very wrong with my brain, but there are often also things in life that we may find unacceptable (and that we can't change) and I don't see how meds or counselors could change that or even how accepting such things is necessarily positive in case professionals could help with that. I've seen shrinks before, and the prospect of spending my life on pills and therapy doesn't really sound worth it when you can always just die...except apparently I can't, which makes me feel even worse.


Edited by EM455 (11/09/15 06:37 PM)


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OfflineKonyap

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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
    #22502604 - 11/09/15 08:52 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

well let me jus say that when you die you don't necessary die right away, your brain is there you'll probably go threw some traumatic shit just dying because your body will constantly be trying to wake itself up

and lets just say you do die, you're still leaving something behind to fuck up other peoples lives, like grief, jealousy, hatred
these things do have huge effects on peoples quality of life
then there's the risk you live the same life all over again because you never got through this hurdle so you keep looking to death as an answer, it would be hell. People used to chalk it up to religion, but if you don't believe in religion then physics could be forcing you to live the same life over and over again if you don't make enough change from your starting point to let go of the burden of you being you.

let me just tell you that not all people are nervous or get sad when they're taking care of a dying person, I'm the kind of person that only gets nervous when they have to operate on themselves or am doing something stupid, there's nothing in me that looks down on other people unless they're like chronic thieves or murderers. If you lived in a state of decay I personally believe that dying would be a release of burden from this world at that point and you wouldn't feel the weight of guilt from ending your own life. The human body can go through some very immense pains and struggles if you simply detach yourself from the situation the body will take care of itself, mentally or physically. Billions of people do this without going crazy and humiliating themselves or hurting other people.

someone will find the body due to the stench they'll see your head bloated and brown and purple and then you'll fly off or do whatever delusional thinking you can come up with before being born again.
If you're afraid of pain you can drink alcohol but that will only make the head trip that much more insane because of it's dissassociative effects.
Like I said you'd probably be seeing some weird shit, not wishing you were dead, ending up living the same life again becuase you didn't feel fulfilled the first time.


Edited by Konyap (11/20/15 01:47 AM)


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OfflineEM455
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: Konyap]
    #22502669 - 11/09/15 09:09 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

That made me even more scared xD sounds horrible :/


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OfflineKonyap

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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
    #22502681 - 11/09/15 09:12 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

You're scared because it's what I truly believe/feel, I've opened up my mind to some things that you wouldn't find rational in this reality, things that would probably scare most women away from me if they had children or had just met me on the street. Taking responsibility for things outside of our predefined life scares most people, it scares me I just want to live with my cats and carry the burden from afar as an observer.


Edited by Konyap (11/09/15 09:13 PM)


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OfflineEM455
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: Konyap]
    #22502710 - 11/09/15 09:22 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Makes sense, actually


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OfflineKonyap

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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
    #22502746 - 11/09/15 09:33 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Yes, this is a life that chooses us and that we are responsible for, all the little tiny details and errors ultimately become us. All that is needed is the right conditions for life to start up again, if we as conscious human beings decide for ourselves that this life isn't worth fighting for then generation after generation will act the same way. Change is very gradual, periods of time can go by pretty quick, making a decade seem like only a couple years when you look back on it. All I know is that humans are conscious and that we make clear decisions to be good or evil. If human beings weren't conscious then there would be no symbols of good, we would just be instinctive like animals, microbes, plants...


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: Konyap]
    #22502870 - 11/09/15 10:07 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

There is a forum called Sanctioned Suicide but it is only an onion site so you would need Tor.

I would like to hear why you feel the need to do this, but if you don't feel like talking about it I understand.  I know how it is to feel trapped by your anxiety and have your options limited, and I hope you can find some peace, in this life or the next.

:hug:


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Offlinehalo
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: Konyap]
    #22502884 - 11/09/15 10:12 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

What are you trying to escape from? I'm somewhat suicidal as well recently due to what I believe to be drug induced brain damage. It's a long story, but I do somewhat share your desire to die. Personally if I can't live up to my potential or enjoy anything in life I don't see the point. I feel to down about myself to even help others right now.

What did you do though? Is killing yourself the only answer? Unless you have a mental condition or brain damage, if you're healthy...why not just literally run away from your problems. You said you have no family, and while that's kind of sad I imagine it to be kind of liberating too. You don't have anything tying you down.

Are you actually in the DR? Is it possible for you to move to the USA or another country, even if you have to do it illegally? I'm just guessing here because I'm bored and it's late but it seems like you may have committed a crime and will go to jail for a very long time. That's fucked up and I wouldn't want it either.


But there may be other, better methods of escape than killing yourself.


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Offlinecircastes
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: halo]
    #22503050 - 11/09/15 11:18 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I've been suicidal many times, and all due to the state of my brain (traumatic brain injury, schizophrenia, various bad reactions to drugs), and as my brain got better, I was like, thank fuck I didn't do anything... your brain creates your reality, if it's compromised your whole reality goes to shit and it seems like the world and others are the problem, but it is just your brain, this is why I made my comment.

It really does seem like things suck, because the thing that's creating EVERYTHING for YOU, is compromised.

Millions go through the mental health ward per year talking exactly like you, and so many walk out thinking thank God I didn't go ahead with it.

Surely you can remember a time when life wasn't like this?

Even if you have to get 'pumped up' on drugs, who cares, it's better than fucking taking your own life. You can't even see how sick that is right now, which is shocking...

You will be surprised how typical all this is, however.

IMO tell someone in authority you're suicidal whether it be a doctor, police or suicide line.

Seriously there's a god damn 'sanctioned suicide' forum? Are these just kids with no insight into life running it?

If your brain was healthy you wouldn't even believe what you're saying.


--------------------
My solitude...
My shield...
My armour...

TESTED
WITH
FULL
FORCE


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: circastes]
    #22503907 - 11/10/15 07:53 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Seriously there's a god damn 'sanctioned suicide' forum? Are these just kids with no insight into life running it?




Actually I looked and it doesn't seem like there is anyone using it or running it right now, it's pretty lame.  It also seems more geared towards self help, just allows discussion of methods as well.

I mean for me I think that it's always better just to wait.  It would be pretty fucked up to help someone else you didn't really know kill themselves.

I don't know if you're still reading, but are you religious at all OP?  Have you tried to pray and ask for strength?  I'm really not even religious myself, so I always kinda feel like a dip recommending it, but it has worked for me when I really needed it.


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OfflineJacksonMetaller
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
    #22504537 - 11/10/15 10:57 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

EM455 said:
Thanks for your answer JacksonMetaller. I don't have pets and I have 0 relationship with my family, I think it's the fact of losing consciousness for good that scares me (even if there was an afrerlife after all, it still feels that way). We are so used to being alive and having thoughts and it's just disturbing. We all have trouble believing in our deaths to some extent and that doesn't help either. I also suspect, as much as I hate to admit it, that I may have liked myself more than I thought at some point in my life. I am pretty depersonalized and derealized and to some extent it feels like I was killing someone else, too...the child I once was or something. And survival instincts may be playing a role too. I'm also very anxious and anxiety mostly makes you feel you're gonna die and makes you panic about it, so it's hard to do the exact same thing your body and brain fight so hard to avoid. There's also the fear of failing and ending up with brain damage or locked up at a ward for attempting suicide which both would make my situation worse. I'm not very good at doing things in general and wherever I read about suicide methods it all sounds so complex and like so much could go wrong that it's overwhelming. Also death is a disturbing subject for me in itself.




First off there's nothing wrong with your brain. There's something wrong with your environment. Internal or external but the fact remains you can change it for the better if you choose to do so. It won't be easy, but it's possible in nearly every case. I guess we differ in respect to consciousness. I view all things as conscious and my death merely a transition from current form to whatever organisms consume my flesh and the infinity of processes occurring afterwards. I don't fear that anymore. In that sense I know I will be here forever in my seemingly infinite pain and pleasure so I try and accept that and be thankful for the knowledge so I can shape this life accordingly rather than rushing off into the uncertainty of the next

"The child you once were" might still be there. I found out mine was and I had just let the world obscure that fact from me. This might be something to explore before making a decision. What do you imagine a perfect life to be like? What would your inner child do if it got its way? Is this dream obtainable? Forget if it's practical, can it happen with any amount of work? Again I'm not trying to dissuade you. I respect your decision and understand your position. Having been there however, I wouldn't want you to through away an opportunity you may have yet to discover. For example my inner child loves adventure. Knowing that I wouldn't kill my self before taking off, leaving my life behind, and building a new one on the outskirts of society. It's not what's practical right now, but I'd owe it to myself to try before leaving this world

I guess what I'm saying is, maybe you do feel you need suicide but maybe you're just not ready. Maybe your apprehension comes from the fact that there is something more you need from this life before its over


Edited by JacksonMetaller (11/10/15 11:00 AM)


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OfflineEM455
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: JacksonMetaller]
    #22504917 - 11/10/15 12:43 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Thank you all for your answers!

Konyap, I think I know what you mean, but I still don't feel this life is worth fighting for at all

Moonrockmushy thanks a million for wishing me peace, I hope I'll find it somehow too. I'd love to check that forum out. I used to have Tor but I no longer have a pc, I connect from my wii u (video game console). I'm not religious, but I've felt desperate enough to pray anyway. I think everything is possible though, I'm sort of an agnostic/ignostic open to all possibilities.

@Halo "Personally if I can't live up to my potential or enjoy anything in life I don't see the point. I feel to down about myself to even help others right now." I feel the same way too. I do feel that killing myself is the only answer and even though I'm physically healthy, I don't think I will ever be mentally no matter what I do. I am in the DR for real but I haven't done anything nor commited any crime. I'm not sure I could move (it's hard and expensive, even when done illegally), and my issues would probably follow me everywhere anyway.


Circastes I will consider what you are saying, I don't think it can fix anything but I agree that my brain is definitely part of the problem. I feel too broken to be helped though. But I can totally see your point and I am indeed mentally ill to at least some extent.


JacksonMetaller I understand what you say about consciousness and I think that's very possible, in that case, maybe losing consciousness is not the right way of saying it but there would still be a huge change/shift in my state of consciousness...probably for the better but still a bit overwhelming and scary for me.
"Internal or external but the fact remains you can change it for the better if you choose to do so. It won't be easy, but it's possible in nearly every case". That differs from everything I've seen in others, read etc...most people I've heard of who've been suicidal never end up being ok, they just struggle for years as I have too and things have only gotten worse over time. Some people do get better but it would seem they are the minority, and even those who do always mention how it never goes away completely and how it's always a struggle.
"What do you imagine a perfect life to be like?" Well my idea of a perfect life is impossible: it's a life where no one would ever have to change, get sick, grow old, suffer or die. Change in general really gets to me. "Maybe your apprehension comes from the fact that there is something more you need from this life before its over". There must indeed be things that I could get from life, things others might get but that I'll never get myself because of how my life works and all the things that happen in it and how they affect me. By the way, I always wanted to take off too, so I guess we have that in common ^^


Edited by EM455 (11/10/15 12:47 PM)


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: EM455]
    #22505111 - 11/10/15 01:31 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

ehh forget that forum, it's pretty much dead it seems.

Most of the time I try not to pray because I fear it will not work, and what then, and for the same reason I don't really like to recommend it to others.  Definitely worth a shot before you end it all though.  What if we do have a purpose? 

I wish I could say something to make things easier, a way to let go of the fear, but that just isn't how we're wired.  I just have to live wanting to die.  There's been so many times I have plotted my own end, I know exactly how I want to do it, but something always keeps me going.  Part of it is knowing that I'm not suffering alone.  Part of it I don't understand.  Part of it is like you say, I just can't bring myself to do it.  After a while it's just easier to give in and live on.

You seem so kind and thoughtful, and you deserve a break.  If you can't find that in this life I wouldn't want to make you suffer, but I hate what life does that to so many good people, so I hope things will turn around for you soon enough to see that you're worth the struggle.  We're all family, some people just lose touch with how close we all are, and how much we mean to eachother.



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OfflineEM455
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Re: I don't know how to title this but it's about suicide please read [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22507143 - 11/10/15 09:16 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Moonrocky mushy thank you so much, you seem really kind and thoughtful too actually :smile: I hate what life does to us all too. I agree that we are all family in a way. I don't see how things could get better, but yeah that would be nice.


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