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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Registered: 07/01/05
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My latest kick attempt...
    #22494397 - 11/08/15 06:24 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

...was a staggering failure.  Here I am again at t+1h from my last shot, and already the anxiety is out of control.  I'm actually high I think, but it doesn't feel like it.  I'm really at the point where it's starting to be a health-risk to continue using, there are some things going on with my body that are concerning to me, and I'm not really that young anymore.

I've turned over my car keys and wallet to my mother yesterday after fucking up, and am trying to come up with a plan with her as to how to handle this.  I hate to put this burden on my family and feel like an utter POS, but the alternative is to self-destruct and that would only hurt them more. 

I guess I am going to try and wait it out in-house for as long as possible, then if and when I start to feel my health is at risk I will go to the ER.  My friend tells me that they will just put me on methadone, which is not something I want, but I don't really have any extra weight to lose, and am not sure my immune system is up to the challenge right now.

Very unlikely I'll be up to posting after 24h or so.  You all have helped me through some really rough times, so thank you friends and shroom family.  I'll be reading, so any kind words I will appreciate, but I wouldn't blame anyone for being sick of hearing me gripe about my self-induced torture.

If and when I make it to the other side I am going to be the type of obnoxious pro-active ex-addict I used to despise.  I always thought that you could stop taking opiates and still be a cool guy, and maybe some can, but I need to do whatever it takes.  Meetings, therapy, anti-depressants, whatever it takes.  I'm not going to smoke weed or drink.  I just want to be ok being me for once so badly.

Thanks for reading.  If anyone has any questions about opiate addiction don't hesitate to ask, I will do my best to answer them.  If anyone else is suffering from opiate addiction please take it seriously and don't let yourself lead a double life, it only gets worse.


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InvisibleyogabunnyM
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22494805 - 11/08/15 09:06 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Aw man. I'm sorry to hear this. I know you were doing really well for a while?

What triggered you?


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Registered: 07/01/05
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: yogabunny]
    #22494984 - 11/08/15 10:04 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

My suboxone Dr kicked me off the program for allegedly not taking suboxone.  The test came back negative for the metabolite of buprenorphine called norebuprenorphine I think.  I was taking it as prescribed tho, and didn't mess up once, so it really kinda shocked me and I think it made me really bitter.  That whole industry is fucked and they always will let you down in the end, which is why I really don't want to go back on maintenance.

I had just started a school program, and when I started running out of bupe I guess I panicked and all I could get was heroin, and so I was like I'll just do a tiny bit then get another Dr and taper down once I finish my program, but I was in class 8-4, and couldn't find a Dr that took my ins and could work with my schedule so before I knew it I've been doing dope for weeks.  Now the program is over and I need to find a job but I just can't go in hooked, I know it will end badly.  I tried to get clean starting Friday, but woke up yesterday and learned I can no longer trust myself to make the right choices.  I would have a solid 2.5 days down had I not done that, but now I'm back to day 1.

Really I have no excuse.  I'm an addict I guess and I wasn't doing the legwork that I should have in terms of getting counseling and treatment for depression.  I was a relapse waiting to happen, just switched my addiction to bupe.  This is all the result of my poor choices when I was younger and thought that opiates were an acceptable treatment for depression and anxiety.


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InvisibleyogabunnyM
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy] * 1
    #22495025 - 11/08/15 10:16 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

:hug:

Don't beat yourself up. You are extremely self-aware and you are taking the right steps. Have you ever considered Ibogaine treatment?


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InvisiblepachooDiscord
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22495046 - 11/08/15 10:22 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Hey man, I hope you kick this. I can't imagine what you're going through. But I can imagine how your family is handling this and it still sucks.

Just stay calm. Are you thinking about maybe going into rehab? Like... a well known good one.

And def start seeing someone about your depression and anxiety.

I hope the best for you man.

:heartpump:


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:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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OfflineTrippieHunter
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: yogabunny]
    #22495088 - 11/08/15 10:39 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

If you want it you'll do it. We all slip up in life, for us addicts it involves a whole lotta shit to clean up though. Hang in there buddy, you can do it!!!

Oh and PS methadone is not that bad bro. If you go at it like it is maintenance rather than feeding an addiction you'll make it. Methadone wasn't supposed to get us high, it does wonders for pain management without all the bullshit.


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Just remember keep the camera rolling and
FILM THE POLICE!!! CLICK ME

WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? CLICK ME TOO!

Let it go and you will trip into wonderland!


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: pachoo]
    #22495233 - 11/08/15 11:16 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Yknow I don't think my nerves can handle ibogaine.  I'm pretty skeptical it would work in my case and considering I am a long term addict I think it could be potentially dangerous.  If it were a thing I could go in and be supervised by a doctor I would consider it, but that's not the case unfortunately.

I am considering going into a medical detox if I get to the point where I can't eat for an extended time.  I already lost a bunch of weight tapering down on suboxone over this past summer, so any more and I think I would be putting my health at risk.  I really don't want to do methadone.  I know myself and it will just keep me in limbo for that much longer.  We'll see what I say after a few days without sleep, but right now I really don't want that.

My family is amazing and I can't keep doing this to them.  It sucks because my health insurance is awful and nobody around here will see me, but I'm going to keep trying and do whatever I have to do.

Thank you all for the support.  I really hate making a big deal out of my problems because I am really lucky and just feel like such a failure, but there's only one way out at this point.  Im just trying not to think too much, its going to be a long week.  Hopefully by Thanksgiving I can at least stand to get out of bed and put on a good face even tho I'm sure it'll be months until I'm anywhere near comfortable.


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InvisibleDark_Star
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22495299 - 11/08/15 11:35 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Gets harder the longer it goes on, but you can do this man. It's gonna suck, but there's light on the other side of the mountain.


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: Dark_Star]
    #22495410 - 11/08/15 12:10 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I hope so.  I'm scared shitless and trying to brace myself for the worst, but its hard to even imagine until I'm in the midst of it.

I definitely more than want it.  I feel like I need to stop.  The alternatives at this point just aren't acceptable to me.  I don't think I can live with myself being hooked anymore.  I'm never really happy even when I'm high as shit, and I don't like what I've become.


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Offlinemaynard
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22495464 - 11/08/15 12:24 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Methadone is not ideal, but it was the only way I could kick heroin and OxyContin.  Kicking methadone was no joke, but at least I was a year removed from dealers and the liestyle.  I had a halfway house, a support network, and more healthy coping skills.

Stay strong


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: maynard]
    #22495683 - 11/08/15 01:26 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Idunno I've only been on heroin for 6-8 weeks really, and at this point I hate the lifestyle so much.  I really think I just need to tough it out.  I could have kept going yesterday, but I had $100 sitting in my wallet and it was just too much temptation.

At this point I can't go anywhere, and there is nobody that would deliver to me, so there is really not the same level of temptation, and the stakes are alot higher.  I've been on ~2mg bupe for over a year other than the past weeks, but obviously my tolerance shot up over those weeks.

Some people seem to think that switching what opiate you take kinda resets how addicted you are, which I am very skeptical of, but maybe it will not be as bad as I think.  I am expecting things to get worse and worse for 72h to a week and then probably in 2 weeks I will be able to start walking a bit and slowly getting back on my feet, though I'm sure I'll have chills and random sweats, insomnia, and energy imbalance at least until the spring.  It sucks to do this in the winter, but like I said I don't see an alternative.  I can't spend another year of my life feeding this habit, especially having to drive to a clinic every single morning for my dose.  I can't manage that.


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OfflineLucisM
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy] * 1
    #22498191 - 11/08/15 09:48 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

well, hope you're well.

DXM can help withdrawals, I know when I kicked I downed a bottle of that crap here and there just to help get my mind off of things.

But feel free to pm me anytime if you like, I have been through a very long struggle with heroin, but have been clean almost 3 years now.  I know when I was sick it was sometimes helpful to sit up and talk about life with folks on the webs, took my mind off of how I felt.


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Offlinesprinkles
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22498542 - 11/08/15 11:10 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

dude dont go to the fucking ER because you need drugs or you're uncomfortable because you're not using drugs.  If you are withdrawling from benzos or alcohol and think you're going to start seizing then fine, but jesus christ put your big boy panties on.  Either get some real health problems or stop bringing them onto yourself.  *Mod Edit: reminder that this is a harm reduction forum. Speak with compassion and with the intent to help or NOT AT ALL*


Edited by yogabunny (11/09/15 06:56 AM)


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: Lucis]
    #22498627 - 11/08/15 11:35 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I actually feel alot better than when I made this post.  I think the dope I was doing was cut with something weird.  Would make me grind my teeth and just feel off.  These dudes had some fire a couple weeks ago, there was actually a handful of times where I just came to on the ground with shit dumped all over me.  All the sudden I can do a gram in a day and it just makes me a nervous wreck. 

The good dope wasn't bitter at all, but the shit now is bitter as fuck, dark brown, and smelled like dog food.  Weird stuff, it holds me off but no rush and shitty high.

Starting to sweat and get some chills.  always like getting my emotions back tho

Fuck you sprankle I do what I want.  I'm not really planning on it.  A couple people told me if it gets bad then go to the hospital to try and get into a detox or at least get iv fluids n shit.  My friend was freaking me out saying last time he kicked he ended up almost dying from kidney failure, and told me if I puke for days on end not to fuck around.  Doubt it will come to that tho.


Edited by moonrockmushy (11/08/15 11:36 PM)


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22499211 - 11/09/15 07:10 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Well I made it a full day again.  This is when I took a suboxone last time and ended up 10x sicker. 

Pretty sure I can eat something, and I don't have really bad chills or that feeling up my spine that makes me chicken dance, so pretty sure I will continue to get worse still over the next day or two.  Pretty bad right now, bot overall feeling ok.  Few more days and I might start to feel better.


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InvisibleyogabunnyM
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22499245 - 11/09/15 07:28 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

You got this.

Do you have iTunes?

There's a podcast on there you might find inspiring. It's called SoulFeed and podcast #20 is a spoken word poem by one of my yoga teachers. Listening to that at least once a day has really been helping me work through my alcohol problem. Although, I'm not 100% sober yet, I am in a *much* better place now.


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Registered: 07/01/05
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: yogabunny]
    #22499403 - 11/09/15 08:32 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I just downloaded that and gave it a listen.  The only thing that allowed me to get clean last time was this amazing epiphany I had after I prayed for strength.  Alot of what she is saying kinda reminds me of how I felt then.  Kinda give into the universal strength that I know is all around me, and in turn use that strength to heal the sickness of the world.  Even if I can only do small things to help people, it is better than being totally wrapped up in my own problems.

Thanks for sharing that and the kind words.  I'll probably give it a listen again later.


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InvisibleKhancious
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22499821 - 11/09/15 10:41 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Brother,

I know nothing of the dope game within and without,

but I will say get some kratom man ($100-$200 a kilo with threshold doses at 3-5g). It can save your life.

Yes it is possible it may become a new addiction, but is a gift from God and the Earth, and very gentle (for me atleast) with enough recreational value and euphoria.

Also get a high bio-availability magnesium supplement which helps refresh your opiate receptors.

Good luck and fly safe


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I am that, which is.


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: Khancious]
    #22499919 - 11/09/15 11:08 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I've tried kratom before.  Just doesn't work at all when I'm sick, so I end up taking too much and it makes me vomit and fucks up my stomach, which is something I'd like to avoid.  Also want to make sure that I'm not doing anything to prolong my withdrawal.

I never really put much stock in supplements, but I will look into making sure that I've got enough magnesium in my diet. 

Thanks for the input, but I just want to eat right and get back to exercising as soon as I can. 

I can't sit still, think I have a cold, and didn't sleep last night, but I really don't feel that bad overall.  Still could get alot worse, but I think not drinking alcohol or smoking weed has made things alot easier so far.  I always used to lean on those when I tried to stop, but they just make the anxiety worse in the end.


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Invisiblemoonrockmushy
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Re: My latest kick attempt... [Re: moonrockmushy]
    #22504242 - 11/10/15 09:44 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Things got really intense last night I ended up taking a tiny bit of methadone I had sitting around and managed to get 5 hours of fitful sleep, which under the circumstances was heaven, but I feel guilty and weak for having given in again.  I swear I'm really trying :tongue:  Now I'm technically back to 12 hours clean at 3 this afternoon, but I've still got chills and RLS, not like I got high whatsoever, so I'm hoping it will just kinda serve as a rough taper.

I think it's not even the sickness that gets to me, it's the emotional swings from feeling so alive and intense to so empty and drained.  Guess that is where the exercise and creative outlets need to come in.  Music and drama tv/movies help alot.  I'm going to go take a walk.



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