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Anonymous #1
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How to get over jealousy?
#22489224 - 11/07/15 04:30 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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The most obvious aspect is recognizing it, and understanding why. I have done both.
Been married for many years now, and my wife made a new friend (female for the record) at work recently. The friendship is starting to bother me, because they are spending more time together than me and my wife do, literally. I don't want to be the jealous, petty controlling spouse, but I can't get over it. This shit is starting to eat at me.
Neither of us have a social life really, I understand why she's wanting to spend so much time with someone she only recently met and bonded with, I even understand my hangup is my own insecurity, but looking at it all logically has done nothing to help. I do my best to just pretend like I'm okay with it, but body language and general attitude is really staring to give it away and she's asking why I'm mad, tonight anyways. I don't know if she's just going to start isolating herself because she found it bugged me and why yet. Only time will tell that.
I don't want to be this way, I just can't seem to help it. It's my own personal issue and I'm not even going to try to deny it. She is the only person who has ever really accepted me and all of my faults, and anything that threatens to separate us, regardless of how remote, disturbs me greatly. I'm needy and clingy to a level most people aren't, and far more than I want to be.
So ideas?
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Therapy. Seriously
I'm glad you are able to be so honest with yourself, but seriously you are obviously being selfish as fuck. She sees you every single day and now that for once she has a friend who wants to spend time with her you want to take that away from her? Unless your wife is bi and you think they might be sleeping together your attitude is (and you even admitted it) totally unhealthy. If you found a friend and started leaving her alone at night to hang out with him, wouldn't you be pissed if she made a big deal about it?
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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Anonymous #1
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Re: How to get over jealousy? [Re: bloodsheen]
#22492032 - 11/07/15 05:22 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Well actually she doesn't really see me every day. Thanks to my fucked sleep cycles and her ever evolving shifts at work, there are entire stretches of days where we don't really get to spend much time together. I recently lost my job and it was even worse when I was working. I did overnights, when I was going to work she was going to sleep, when I was getting home she was either already gone for work or sleeping until well beyond when I had to go to sleep. I'm still trying to fix my sleep cycle from that job. I was not exaggerating when I said they were starting to spend more time together than me and her do. Not saying that justifies my jealousy, but it is a factor nonetheless.
I know it's not a healthy thing and I really do just want to get over it. I thought that maybe actually sitting down and understanding why I feel this way would make it stop, but it hasn't.
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Anonymous #2
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This is a tough one. This type of emotion is in a lot of people and it's tough to break out of. I myself had been a very jealous with my current girlfriend. We have been together for almost 7 years now and we have a 1 year old son together and she has a 7 year old from a previous relationship. We hit a rough patch a few years ago and she started going out alot. Previous to that I had gone out alot and she did not like it either. So in a way I feel partially responsible for driving her away.
Now I'm not really that jealous or controlling anymore. It didn't happen overnight and it took alot of different life experiences to get this way. At the time it fealt like the lowest point of my life, and it probably was, but looking back on it I see that that was what I needed. I learned to stop caring so much and stop trying to control people. Because you cant. People are going to do what they want to do.
Besides that I learned that time apart from people can be a good thing. It gives you time to miss that person and give them a break. I realize that you don't see much of your wife and that would make it more difficult, but if you let jealousy hinder you you will show it and it's not a very attractive quality. In some ways the less you worry about someone not spending time with you and the less you try to control them the more attractive you can become.
I guess if I wear in your shoes I would try to make the best of the time you do spend together. Try to forget about what she may or may not do and get back to what brought you guys together and kept you together.
Good luck buddy.
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mytehdogizflying
Surrender to the flow


Registered: 02/20/07
Posts: 806
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Have you tried just talking to her about it?
Obviously, you have to broach the subject carefully. Don't start the conversation when you're upset, and be careful with how you word things. You don't want her to feel like you're being demanding or controlling, and certainly don't want to come off as pathetic and needy.
Just explain how you're feeling and why. Make sure she understands that you're happy for her new friendship, but would like to make an effort to try to spend more time together. I can't imagine why she wouldn't be more than willing to find some kinda compromise.
But you have to communicate these things to her, not just act upset with no obvious cause. And you need to have this discussion when you're calm and prepared to speak openly. Don't wait until you're feeling angry about the situation and just throw it all at her. It'll only make her feel as if she's being attacked and will likely nullify your concerns, in her mind.
With that said, and I understand everyone operates differently, the whole still not having corrected your sleep cycle kinda sounds like a cop-out. I've had dramatic shifts in my sleep schedule and have always been able to adjust relatively quickly just by making a concerted effort to use proven strategies to do so.
Best of luck, man. I really do hope you can work things out. I can totally relate to feeling needy and clingy far more than I want to be. It's a tough thing to grapple with, but it won't get any better unless you talk about it. You may wanna look into therapy, as someone else suggested. It really can only benefit you to have some kinda outlet for your thoughts and emotions. And it'll provide perspective so you can remember that how you feel about the situation, isn't necessarily the reality of the situation.
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There should be a science of discontent. People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles.
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Anonymous #1
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I figured I'd just go ahead and update this.
I'm not sure why, but I've seemed to get over it. It doesn't bother me anymore when she wants to go hang out with her friend. I can tell her it's fine to go and actually mean it. Maybe it was just because it was new and it took some time to get used to. Regardless of the reason I'm glad it's cleared up. Jealousy is one shitty feeling emotion, especially when you can recognize it for what it is and still can't seem to shake it.
I wish I had some answer to give on what helped, but I honestly have no clue. My best guess is just what I've already said. I needed time to get used to it. Only other possibility I can think of is that it wasn't me trying to be selfish but that since it was so new to the both of us I worried deep down about her safety and me trying to protect her manifested as jealousy. I find that kind of unlikely though.
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Yea, basically just exposure. You let her go and she didn't leave you, your brain gave up the feeling 
Glad to hear it though
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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