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hex_enduction
satta massa gana



Registered: 01/26/14
Posts: 12,051
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Modest, hence why I said "modest " and not "moonrock "
Dudes lyin to himself
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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While you re:'d me and I thought maybe I was being immodest.
You're right I guess, though I think we both only know that because we tried so many times. He probably knows it too, but once you get it in your head that you want an escape from what you're dealing with in life it's only a matter of time.
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hex_enduction
satta massa gana



Registered: 01/26/14
Posts: 12,051
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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yeah that was my bad there.
he'll figure it out in time, I can't hate just don't like seeing people fall into the same pitfalls time and time gain.
--------------------
Connoisseur said: oh ive cried on drugs sunshine said: Tragic. I told the cop not to do it but he didn't listen.
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Mush 4 Brains
about tree fiddy


Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 8,298
Loc: Tacos
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After beimg dopesick for so long and fiending you get sick of needing it. Id always feel the worst for mu friends and family.
I wanted to be there so many times with them/for them but i was carried away in the game. Most of all i felt sick of it all FOR them, the constant needing and searching for dope. That shit has gotta get old, even if you're the most patient and understanding of people
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Apostle
Philanthropist



Registered: 12/12/09
Posts: 31,501
Loc: FL
Last seen: 1 year, 23 days
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Quote:
Mush 4 Brains said: You seem to romanticize the whole dope sick thing too much, ive noticed that a lot in your posts the past month or so. And believe me i get it. I kinda get in a weird style of mood where im extra sensitive emotionally and i embrace the sadness and despair and try to move past it. Each time its like here we go again fuck.
Something keeps hanging you up, where you do well for a little bit then fuck up and go through wd again. What do you think it is? Can i ask you, do you want to quit?
.
I do romanticize the addiction in general but as far as dope sickness i can't explain whats going on but between the persistent discomfort and misery i am hit with bursts of what feels like euphoria for seemingly no reason. i'll find my self smiling as i get hit with a wave of chills and bone pain and then laugh as it causes me to shiver. I'm both laughing because of the return of my emotions and also laughing at the audacity of what i keep putting myself through.
it's probably a defense mechanism because its really not funny. I've ruined my life and continue to do so all while treating it like its a game.
I don't want to quit, no.
Towards the end of a kick i DO want to quit but in my current mindset, no i do not.
I just want to stop running out.
Being prison bound though, i HAVE to kick before i turn myself in. Thats not the place where i want to be feeling weak. More than likely though i'll be using up until the day i go in and end up snapping on somebody and put in the psych section again.
I regret wasting so many years and brain cells on this addiction but it's almost like im already in too deep and its the only thing that helps alleviate the pain of the time ive already lost.
As far as working out, if i use the initial restlessness of withdrawl before i get too bad it can work to my benefit.
its kind of a spiritual experience having to keep your mind right while your body is going through hell on earth. It also makes weed trippier since the anxiety becomes overwhelming.
Edited by Apostle (10/16/16 08:52 AM)
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Quote:
Mush 4 Brains said: After beimg dopesick for so long and fiending you get sick of needing it. Id always feel the worst for mu friends and family.
I wanted to be there so many times with them/for them but i was carried away in the game. Most of all i felt sick of it all FOR them, the constant needing and searching for dope. That shit has gotta get old, even if you're the most patient and understanding of people
Yeah it get embarassing too when you've tried to stop so many times, made all sorts of grand gestures and promises to yourself and others, only to fuck up again and again against your better judgement.
This last run I got to the point where I was too ashamed to even post about my relapses here most of the time. I just know that people don't want to hear that "I'm quitting, oops I fucked op I'm quitting, oops I fucked op I'm quitting, oops I fucked op I'm quitting, oops I fucked op " for like a decade straight. No wonder I have so few friends
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Apostle
Philanthropist



Registered: 12/12/09
Posts: 31,501
Loc: FL
Last seen: 1 year, 23 days
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You gotta focus on yourself sometimes and say fuck what other people think. If they are really friends, they wont hold it against you anyway. My friends were saddened and worried that i used heroin but they've long stopped trying to convince me to stop and don't even bring it up anymore. Then again i also don't tell people when i am trying to kick and when i do kick its never with the intention of stopping for good so i don't make such claims. In the past i might have when i actually believed i could stop but i no longer believe that.
Even with all drugs out of the picture, i think real "friends" are pretty rare. I know i have been guilty of using the term too liberally.
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: Where are all the addicts? [Re: Apostle]
#23741797 - 10/16/16 09:07 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Yeah I mean I am really lucky I have a few friends, and losing friends just might be part of getting older.
It's just embarrasing for me that I've been trying to quit one drug or another for nigh twenty years, with very little success. Then I start lying, being secretive, and even if people would stick by me if I needed them I will drift away on my own because I hate lying to friends.
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Apostle
Philanthropist



Registered: 12/12/09
Posts: 31,501
Loc: FL
Last seen: 1 year, 23 days
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it is embarrassing. that's why i stopped lying both to others and to myself.
i do drugs, that's part of my reality. Now the goal is harm reduction.
im happy to say i have been using kratom and havent shot up heroin in at least two weeks now.
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Bill_Oreilly
ANIMALS (the RAINBOW SERPENT)


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 26,370
Loc: Boston
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Im an addict but the 1st step in the 10 steps of AA is bullshit
-------------------- Something there is mysteriously formed, Existing before Heaven and Earth, Silent, still, standing alone, unchanging, All-pervading, unfailing, I do not know its name; I call it tao. If forced to give it a name, I call it Great (ta). Being great, it flows out; Flowing out means far-reaching; Being far-reaching, it is said to return. It's just a shot away..
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: Where are all the addicts? [Re: Apostle]
#23741818 - 10/16/16 09:13 AM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Apostle said: it is embarrassing. that's why i stopped lying both to others and to myself.
i do drugs, that's part of my reality. Now the goal is harm reduction.
im happy to say i have been using kratom and havent shot up heroin in at least two weeks now.
me too. 8 weeks tomorrow. keep it up it gets better.
The other 9 are bullshit too, Bill.
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Apostle
Philanthropist



Registered: 12/12/09
Posts: 31,501
Loc: FL
Last seen: 1 year, 23 days
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Thanks man.
I suppose things do get better. I just have to address my underlying issues.
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Bill_Oreilly
ANIMALS (the RAINBOW SERPENT)


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 26,370
Loc: Boston
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Quote:
moonrockmushy said:
Quote:
Apostle said: it is embarrassing. that's why i stopped lying both to others and to myself.
i do drugs, that's part of my reality. Now the goal is harm reduction.
im happy to say i have been using kratom and havent shot up heroin in at least two weeks now.
me too. 8 weeks tomorrow. keep it up it gets better.
The other 9 are bullshit too, Bill.
No shit, ay?
-------------------- Something there is mysteriously formed, Existing before Heaven and Earth, Silent, still, standing alone, unchanging, All-pervading, unfailing, I do not know its name; I call it tao. If forced to give it a name, I call it Great (ta). Being great, it flows out; Flowing out means far-reaching; Being far-reaching, it is said to return. It's just a shot away..
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namelessidea
Stranger
Registered: 08/07/16
Posts: 10
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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present
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ModestMouse
IM WALKIN ON SUNSHINE


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 19,227
Loc: Upstate
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I'm alive
-------------------- Anyone got a lowpass filter in this biiiiash?
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hex_enduction
satta massa gana



Registered: 01/26/14
Posts: 12,051
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Re: Where are all the addicts? [Re: ModestMouse]
#23742772 - 10/16/16 02:32 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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How's that Tuesday regime workin out for ya?
--------------------
Connoisseur said: oh ive cried on drugs sunshine said: Tragic. I told the cop not to do it but he didn't listen.
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Mush 4 Brains
about tree fiddy


Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 8,298
Loc: Tacos
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Ive been clean off heroin, clean off the needle for well over 150 days. Yesterday i was hit with a hard craving/desire. I wanted to shoot up a bag so bad last night... It came upon me suddenly and intensely, and i woulda done it too if possible. But luckily my logical self long ago deleted all contacts..
I tried though, god i tried. Part of it was me getting a big pay day of $700. All that money in my hands, i dunno..
Im good now. For all of you out there struggling to stay clean, especially those of you who pushed past the wd stage, remember cravings pass..they are only temporary!!
Good luck everyone and happy Sunday
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Bill_Oreilly
ANIMALS (the RAINBOW SERPENT)


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 26,370
Loc: Boston
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i want to get high so bad as well
i dont know whats stopping me but i refuse to do it
-------------------- Something there is mysteriously formed, Existing before Heaven and Earth, Silent, still, standing alone, unchanging, All-pervading, unfailing, I do not know its name; I call it tao. If forced to give it a name, I call it Great (ta). Being great, it flows out; Flowing out means far-reaching; Being far-reaching, it is said to return. It's just a shot away..
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ModestMouse
IM WALKIN ON SUNSHINE


Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 19,227
Loc: Upstate
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Re: Where are all the addicts? [Re: Bill_Oreilly] 1
#23744020 - 10/16/16 09:53 PM (7 years, 3 months ago) |
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Today was Tuesday right?
-------------------- Anyone got a lowpass filter in this biiiiash?
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kakashi68
Connoiseur of Illicit Substances


Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 2,116
Loc: STRAYA
Last seen: 10 days, 4 hours
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Quote:
Mush 4 Brains said: Ive been clean off heroin, clean off the needle for well over 150 days. Yesterday i was hit with a hard craving/desire. I wanted to shoot up a bag so bad last night... It came upon me suddenly and intensely, and i woulda done it too if possible. But luckily my logical self long ago deleted all contacts..
I tried though, god i tried. Part of it was me getting a big pay day of $700. All that money in my hands, i dunno..
Im good now. For all of you out there struggling to stay clean, especially those of you who pushed past the wd stage, remember cravings pass..they are only temporary!!
Good luck everyone and happy Sunday
its monday
-------------------- You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of cornershop piss at 3am--you do sometimes look at yourself and think--this is fantastic. I'm in heaven. -Bernard Black
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