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topsykretts
Stranger


Registered: 07/18/14
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My best friend ended our friendship again.
#22461840 - 11/01/15 11:47 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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This is the second time this has happened. The first time was in 2011, we didn't talk again until Sept. 2013. I was at the lowest point of my entire life for that period until just before we started talking. I sent her the new Nine Inch Nails album, and we began talking again and regained our friendship and its been great. Up until the 30th. I was upset about her wanting to move to Florida because its so much further than where she lives now (MA, I'm in PA). I told her this but then I apologized and said I support her and want her to be happy wherever she chooses to go. But she said she blocked me because I threw a bitch fit about it. I've been a complete wreck for the past couple days.. for some reason I'm not crying right now. But I don't know what to do. Her bf (she went down to FL to meet him for the first time this week, and I like the guy, he's got similar interests to me and seems like a decent guy and we're friends on fb now) said just give her time sand space, that they didn't talk for 4 years.
Ironically, the first time we stopped talking she went down to FL to meet him, but didn't, wound up going to see some other person and this guy got her high (just weed), and tried to get her to have a 3sum with him and someone else but she bailed out of there and called me crying while driving on the road and scared the fuck out of me cuz I thought she'd crash. Then she went back home and was kind of distant and I was concerned about her.. and we finally had an argument and she ended our friendship. And I was, as I already said, a complete wreck for the majority of those 3 years. I didn't want to get out of bed, do anything at all. And now I feel like that again. Like there's no point. I've known this girl since I was 13 years old and I don't know who I am without her. I just want her to be happy but at the same time its like I can't be happy unless she's my friend and I know that's unhealthy. I've been totally fine when we are OK, but when we're not, I turn into this helpless, obsessive heartbroken shell of a person. All I want is for this to just be a dream I'll wake up from. I'm thinking about taking a handful of a benadryl cuz I just wanna sleep. I know they won't kill me, but I just don't wanna be awake. I have etizolam too but that'll just make me even more depressed if I take a bunch and then come down from it. I've just been taking 1mg at night to sleep for the past few nights. Why can't I just go back in time and react differently to this. This wouldn't have happened. She said it herself. But it did and now I don't know what to do. I just wanna fucking die. I want to jump off the titanic. Its funny because when we first met and dated when we were kids, titanic was like our movie. She was Rose and I was Jack. Now I feel like Rose. I wish she'd fucking walk up behind me and pull me over the rail. I have all this other shit going on too and this is just the icing on the cake. I just started going to anger management classes because I got arrested in Sept and this was a way to avoid trial and have my charges expunged. Now I don't even care about any of that. I have progress hearing thing tuesday. I feel like just taking the 60 dollars I have to my name and getting on a greyhound bus and going who knows where. I could go to see her but that'd just make everything worse so I can't do that, even though I just want her to see me and look into my eyes and then decide if she really doesn't want me in her life. We've known each other 13 years and haven't ever met face to face. And I don't know who I am without her. I took pictures of a letter she wrote to me years ago. She used to feel the same way, like she didn't know who she was without me. I just look at this letter and think of those days when we were just there for each other through all the other bullshit going on in our lives. This didn't have to happen. Its all my fucking fault. I should've just been supportive and said do whatever makes you happy. Even though I came around and was supportive, I guess it just didn't matter to her. I just wish I could go back in time. -.-
and just before anyone says it: even though I feel like I want to die, I'm not suicidal. I was on the way to the hospital the day this happened and I opened the door of the van and nearly jumped out onto the highway while we were going however many miles per hour. But I didn't. Maybe just because I forgot to take the seatbelt off. I bailed at the next light and walked home. I don't want to kill myself but I don't wanna feel like this and I just don't know what to do. How can I ever fix this again. What if she never talks to me again, and I never get over it? This is whats going through my head. I'm 25 years old.
Edited by topsykretts (11/01/15 11:53 AM)
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: topsykretts] 1
#22461920 - 11/01/15 12:00 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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If she doesn't want to be around you then you gotta move on.
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



Registered: 07/23/14
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: impatientguy] 1
#22461932 - 11/01/15 12:04 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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you need to give her space, it's her life
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: topsykretts]
#22462080 - 11/01/15 12:35 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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I have to ask... are you in love with her?
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topsykretts
Stranger


Registered: 07/18/14
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: pachoo]
#22462506 - 11/01/15 01:59 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
pachoo said: I have to ask... are you in love with her?
I've been trying to answer this question for the past 20-30 minutes. So I'm not sure. We were in love when we first met and were teenagers. Now the whole idea of being "in love" seems juvenile to me. Like being in love with someone is just an illusion, some temporary infatuation that comes and goes with different people. I love her. I'm not in love with her. I'd love her if she was a stump with no arms and legs. If I were just in love with her, after all of the shit that's happened over the years.. it would've faded. But this isn't that kind of love. Idk if that makes any sense. You know, I smoked DMT one time, this was during the time we weren't talking for 3 years and I had an experience where I kind of understood what everything is, and how we're all connected and what we all come from and just.. everything. I haven't had an experience quite like that with shrooms yet. But that experience taught me what real love is. And right afterwards, when I realized the totality of my existence and that I had lost her, I curled up into the fetal position in my friend's couch and cried for a few hours. And then I spent maybe another year or two trying to get everyone to smoke DMT. So I'm not sure if I've even answered your question or just come up with a bunch of bullshit to avoid answering it in a yes or no fashion but I'm a pussy and this is the best I can do cuz if I just say yes or no I'm gonna go fucking insane.
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



Registered: 07/23/14
Posts: 13,137
Loc: San Francisco
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: topsykretts]
#22462518 - 11/01/15 02:01 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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You love her and she needs space. Story of my life bro. Move on and look to brighter days
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
#22462537 - 11/01/15 02:04 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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rippleinstillwater
If my words did glow...


Registered: 08/15/15
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: impatientguy]
#22470392 - 11/03/15 10:34 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Going through something similar right now. I started dating an amazing guy ~4 months ago and my best friend has been so rude to me ever since then. This past weekend me and my bf went to our first festival together and she is now ignoring me because I didn't spend enough time with her, I guess? It really sucks when you love people so deeply and they treat your feelings like they mean nothing, like they really don't matter. But sometimes you just have to remove yourself from the situation and accept that that's what best for your own emotional well being. Friends come and go, and for sure it's tough to let one go for such a silly reason, but if she is causing you this much pain (and has in the past) it's not a good idea to keep pursuing friendship. <3 Know that you are very loved, even if it's just by a stranger on the Shroomery who read your story and could relate. Let's smoke DMT together :P
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



Registered: 07/23/14
Posts: 13,137
Loc: San Francisco
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
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Quote:
rippleinstillwater said: Going through something similar right now. I started dating an amazing guy ~4 months ago and my best friend has been so rude to me ever since then. This past weekend me and my bf went to our first festival together and she is now ignoring me because I didn't spend enough time with her, I guess? It really sucks when you love people so deeply and they treat your feelings like they mean nothing, like they really don't matter. But sometimes you just have to remove yourself from the situation and accept that that's what best for your own emotional well being. Friends come and go, and for sure it's tough to let one go for such a silly reason, but if she is causing you this much pain (and has in the past) it's not a good idea to keep pursuing friendship. <3 Know that you are very loved, even if it's just by a stranger on the Shroomery who read your story and could relate. Let's smoke DMT together :P
once you get into a relationship you need to make time for your friends though. ive seen so many people get a significant other and just drop off the map. they forget about their friends and i can see how that can be really hurtful. ive had it happen to me and im guilty of doing it myself. there needs to be a very careful balance
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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champinhom
Lord Justhappensness


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 987
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: topsykretts] 1
#22474212 - 11/04/15 01:03 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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She sounds like someone any halfway mature person would walk a crooked mile to get away from.
I confess, your story sounds like something out of the soaps.
Anyway, make friends with someone who thinks enough of you not to cut you off for years on a whim.
Really, you are like someone who is grieving about not being allowed to build his house on a lake that is covered with a thin sheet of ice.
-------------------- My father used to say: I don't care what else you do in life, just don't be an asshole. People, forgive me when I forget what my daddy said. Cut back the proliferating list of people whose opinions can hurt you. Unless they have done or want to do you some good, their views are just not worth tracking. Saul Bellow “People are just cannibals unless they leave each other alone.” Doris Lessing Those whom the gods would save, they dower with compassion. Mr. P. Silocybin
Edited by champinhom (11/04/15 01:08 AM)
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Arctic W. Fox

Registered: 09/23/14
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: topsykretts]
#22474231 - 11/04/15 01:12 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Burn that bridge.
Light that fucker up so bright you could see the flames from Mars.
Best friends don't do that shit.
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MoxyOx
Grazin'

Registered: 10/08/10
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: Arctic W. Fox]
#22475288 - 11/04/15 10:05 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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You want love, she wants a shoulder to cry on. She does not see you the same way you see her. You will learn eventually, but the dynamics of relationships between women and men are drastically different.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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topsykretts
Stranger


Registered: 07/18/14
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Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: MoxyOx]
#22480393 - 11/05/15 09:58 AM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Quote:
MoxyOx said: You want love, she wants a shoulder to cry on. She does not see you the same way you see her. You will learn eventually, but the dynamics of relationships between women and men are drastically different.
That's the thing though. I don't really want love from her. Even though I feel love for her, as hard as this may be to fathom, I've gone through so much shit that I don't care about that anymore. I legitimately just want her friendship. I want to be the shoulder to cry on, cuz she's been my shoulder to cry on too. I have enough crap going on in my own life.. but at least I've had her there to talk to when shit got real or real rough for me. I don't care if she has "feelings" for me or not. Honestly, I wouldn't want her to feel that way about me cuz I know right now I'm not in a place in my life where I'm someone I would want her to be with. I just didn't want this to happen over bullshit. She even said it herself, and she's right. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't throw a bitch fit about her moving. I should've just been accepting of it cuz like she said, its her life.. she doesn't have to plan it with me. But now I don't know what to do to repair that. I could write to her (like a real letter with my sloppy handwriting).. but idk if she'll read it. She said she'd mark my emails as spam and not to text her again. Idk if she actually went through with blocking my number but maybe she did. I don't wanna call to find out. I don't wanna push her away further. But I'm worried that if I wait a long time she just won't care.. like "why did it take you this long to really apologize? I'm over it." I haven't had any alcohol since the 29th, the night before this happened. Tuesday night, after court, and yesterday I did drink and I feel like shit for it cuz she didn't want me to drink cuz of how I get and how its caused me problems in the recent past. I feel like I betrayed her and myself. I said to myself I wouldn't drink anymore, at all.
I still have 3 beers left over from last night and its only 11:51 am and I'm thinking about drinking them. It was raining this morning and I love the rain, I think I had a dream about her.. also had a dream that someone was breaking into my house and the ammo was loaded into the magazine of the gun I had in the dream backwards, not sure what that means or why I'm mentioning it here but lol. I have to go to anger management classes saturday, and some sort of drug and alcohol abuse evaluation tomorrow. Maybe if I just get through all this legal shit I'm going through and get a job, and maybe start going to school then try to contact her and tell her my life is moving forward she'll want to talk to me. Idk. The worst part about this all is not knowing what to do about it. Cuz I can't just move on. No matter who I meet, or what happens in my life, in my heart she's always my best friend. Even if we never talk again. Her husband (they're not together but still married, and they have two kids) told me the day this all happened how she's selfish, heartless, doesn't care about anyone but herself.. but I know he's bitter because of what happened between them. He's treated her like shit too, like she was some sort of an appliance. She's told me that she basically forced herself to have sex with him despite it being painful for her, imagining he was someone else, all this other shit that I probably shouldn't go into here. I still listened to him up until the point where I realized he's just jaded by their own relationship. I just wonder what she's thinking about our friendship. Maybe she hasn't thought about it at all. I hope time will make her miss it and me. But I'm scared time will make her move on. Or even me. I don't want to move on. I said this already but I've gone through this before and I don't expect it to be any easier this time. Its like walking around not caring about anything because that one person you trusted most isn't there anymore. She was and is my rock. She told me once in a letter that she wouldn't know who she is if I weren't in her life, and that's exactly the same way I feel. There's so many thoughts and questions about this all running through my head and I just don't know what to listen to or do. I hope somehow the universe will just thrust me into some new situation, meet some new person who will be my new best friend, but even the part of me that wants that feels like its betraying her and me.
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Tomandjerry58
Stranger

Registered: 01/27/03
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: topsykretts]
#22482106 - 11/05/15 05:32 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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Sooooo the comment that you've "known this girl for 13 years but never have met face to face". Basically says you nor her have ever connected on a personal level imo.
I think you are obsessing over this and she's most likely tired of the b.s. No offense..i know this stuff can seem "real" but if you haven't met face to face it is not. The world is not that big bro...if she was really your friend or you really cared .
You guys would have met by now good luck and don't harm yourself...definitely not worth it.
People want someone to hold...not to text or write letters too. In reality you could have won here but im afraid its most likely to late because you dd not cease the moment.
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Rebelutionsssss
Mdmazing



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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: Tomandjerry58] 1
#22482120 - 11/05/15 05:37 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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why would you want to talk to someone who abandoned you at your lowest? shes fucking trash dude and youre better off without her, especially if you've never even met her. you need to find people that bring you closer when you're going through hard times not pulling away. i know its hard and seems like a big blow to your self esteem but you needed this
-------------------- : To define is to confine.
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Tomandjerry58
Stranger

Registered: 01/27/03
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Re: My best friend ended our friendship again. [Re: Rebelutionsssss]
#22482178 - 11/05/15 05:51 PM (8 years, 2 months ago) |
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I caught that and it didn't seem like anyone else mentioned it. This is really sad right here honestly. People should read romance novels so they no how to react lol.
This is not a friend either..he's in love with this person.
And we always fall hard on our first crush.
I have two girls that broke my heart and oh I thank the lord above that I didn't end up with them lol...one is in like Taiwan on a mission with a church..phew dodged that bullet... and the other has 3 kids...was also a little too interested in me the last time I saw her lol.
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