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Anonymous #1

Cheated on, then cheated
    #22445962 - 10/28/15 05:58 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

So my wife recently cheated on me with a friend of hers. She was on a 2C compound & loads of alcohol at the time and said she lost control. There was 'some penetration' but no orgasms. She owned up about it about a month later. I went a bit nuts and got drunk and smashed the house up and kicked her out and she went and checked herself into rehab (she was becoming a massive alcoholic and was gradually becoming a shell of the person I once knew). That was 3 months ago, she's due out in a month. I don't really know if we still have a relationship; she says she wants to make it work, as do I, but I've had to let go of attachment to any outcome. We're gonna be very different people the next time we see each other, I'm sure, and I'm not sure that we're right for each other.

I've been really missing female company in my life since that happened so I set about making some female friends. Did just that a couple of months ago, it has been really good; feel like one girl I've made friends with (the other is an ex who got in touch out of the blue) is like the little sister (she's 9 years younger) I never had but always wanted before my little brother came along. We were hanging out last night and I was on a 2C compound and ended knocking back a lot of alcohol.

I had every intention of this being a purely platonic relationship, but long story short, we ended up having sex last night. I wasn't really into it (didn't orgasm) as I really didn't want to go there with this girl, but was so trashed it kinda happened without my conscious consent. My memory leading up to it is really patchy. I actively tried to avoid penetration but she kinda took control and I was too stupefied to stop it at first. Idiot. I stopped it soon after.

So now I'm just left feeling what a cunt I am for letting that happen. I had every intention of remaining faithful even after what my wife did. In some ways it feels oddly karmic, inasmuch as the conditions that both my wife and I ended up being unfaithful in are VERY similar. I've been very angry about her infidelity but maybe this is a blessing in disguise as I can clearly no longer be angry with her?

My wife and I haven't been in communication for a while as she's having a hard time in rehab and was having difficulty holding a space for my anger when we talked. I guess I just tell her when she comes out? But in the meantime, I would really appreciate peoples perspective on this - my head is spinning right now.

I feel like I'm losing the plot a little and am beating myself up real bad. I know my intentions were pure but it doesn't change what I did. It's probably worth mentioning that I've never cheated before (over about a dozen relationships) and never thought I would.


Edited by Anonymous (10/28/15 07:53 PM)


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InvisibleThe Doobie Dude


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 13,498
Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22446446 - 10/28/15 08:15 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

She had her fun, and you had yours.  Now be adults and work it out.  See a councilor.


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"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head.  If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick
I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.


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Offlinebloodsheen
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Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22446483 - 10/28/15 08:29 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Idk man, thats quite the dilemma you've got there. On one hand its arguable that you two are sort of separated, you did kick her out and everything. But by the same token she realized after your reaction to her cheating that she had let herself get way out of hand, so she decided to try and get help. Which is honorable even if the reasons were totally not honorable.

You, on the other hand, decided you were tired of the way you were being treated by this woman so you decided to also try to get your life together after she left, i.e. making friends. And one of your friendships got complicated while you were wasted. You have no feelings for this girl, but you absolutely had about a hundred opportunities to say "Woah, I'm married, gtfoff of me."

Its hard for me to be objective because of how I feel about addicts. I think addicts really do have a disease. A disease that they never really chose for themselves, it just sort of happened. But I also think they are the worst kind of bad person because deep down there is a really good person struggling to get out. Almost every addict Ive ever known had this little tiny bright white soul trapped under miles of sadness, regret, guilt, and anger.But I believe their disease is incurable. I think that mound of misery is permanent and immobile. The truly good person deep down almost never fully emerges

I think every addict is just a ticking time bomb. If they are lucky their triggers are few and far between, and they have a good support system to keep it under control. But the vast majority of them end up relapsing, putting everyone in their lives thru the same old shit, and at the end of it apologizing, again, for being an asshole, again. They are like the ultimate abusive husband with the heart of gold.




So anyway. I think what really matters is how much you are willing to go through to be with this woman. I think the "affair" is inconsequential considering everything that has gone on. I know right now it seems like a really big deal but I think if you give it a few months you'll see how little it really matters, assuming you yourself have your shit together. If you are just the luckier of the two of you (you and your wife) and didn't let your shit get out of control YET than your dilemma with her is the same but maybe you should consider getting yourself help as well.

Also, Id recommend never telling her about this. If it ever happens again (which it sounds like it won't) then confess to both affairs and beg for forgiveness. But this sounds like one of those unique 'life is a fucking pile of bullshit' kind of moments


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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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Anonymous #2

Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: bloodsheen]
    #22447576 - 10/29/15 01:35 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Been in nearly the exact same situation.  We worked it out.  I didn't tell her about what I had done but that was after we both knew what she had done. I'm still angry about what she did. We been together a good while now and have gotten past it.

If she is trying to get better then give it a shot.  Personally I wouldn't tell her about what you did but it's really up to you. Just gotta talk it out and see how it goes.


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OfflineTheGreenArrow
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Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #22447639 - 10/29/15 02:10 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I say find something else or start a polyamourous thing.


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A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an
invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, conn a ship, write a
sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the
dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve an
equation, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a
computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.
Specialization is for insects.- Robert A. Heinlein
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Anonymous #1

Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: bloodsheen]
    #22447845 - 10/29/15 05:03 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you guys for your advice and opinions. I've definitely got my shit together and can recognise that this was a very unusual slip up in my life. After all, it would never had happened if my wife hadn't done what she did. Aside of it I'm really in the best place I've ever been in; meditation, counselling, exercise, self-work, etc. I'm sure, as you say Bloodsheen, that a few months down the line lessons will be apparent and learned.

I'm damn confused about telling my wife though. I've always had a relationship founded on absolute honesty so the thought of keeping it in feels daunting. Maybe this is something I have to learn to do - I have come to sometimes believe some things are better left unsaid in this life.

But then comes the fact that the girl I had sex with, lets call her K, might end up revealing this in some way if my wife does come back into my life again (which I do want). I wonder if K might become jealous and try and fuck my shit up? Surely it would be more damaging if it comes out later and I've tried to hide it?

I've told K this cannot happen again, and am hoping to remain friends, but do you guys think it would be better if I stop seeing her from here on out? I get the impression she would be happy to continue in a non-committed, sexual relationship (she doesn't see the problem with it), but I'm not cool with that. Not whilst I'm still legally married at least.

But this sounds like one of those unique 'life is a fucking pile of bullshit' kind of moments

Nice analysis. Sounds spot on to me.


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Offlineempty space
the void


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Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22448180 - 10/29/15 07:51 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I'm damn confused about telling my wife though. I've always had a relationship founded on absolute honesty so the thought of keeping it in feels daunting. Maybe this is something I have to learn to do - I have come to sometimes believe some things are better left unsaid in this life.

But then comes the fact that the girl I had sex with, lets call her K, might end up revealing this in some way if my wife does come back into my life again (which I do want). I wonder if K might become jealous and try and fuck my shit up? Surely it would be more damaging if it comes out later and I've tried to hide it?




If you are trying to bring your wife back into your life, I recommend being honest about it. I have held back cheating from a partner and one thing I can tell you is it will eat at you. You dont want to have to dance around it. You dont want something that K can hold over your head. Your wife did the exact same thing except you had never been unfaithful to her. If she cannot understand/forgive you, then perhaps she shouldnt be in your life.


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OfflineSade
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Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: empty space]
    #22448196 - 10/29/15 07:55 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I'd say move on. If she relapses it will not work. Also I notice when one person cheats the jealousy will never leave. Also the relationship is never the same.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: empty space]
    #22450882 - 10/29/15 08:07 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you all so much. I realise now I have to tell her, this resonates with me deeply:

Quote:

empty space said:
If you are trying to bring your wife back into your life, I recommend being honest about it. I have held back cheating from a partner and one thing I can tell you is it will eat at you. You dont want to have to dance around it. You dont want something that K can hold over your head. Your wife did the exact same thing except you had never been unfaithful to her. If she cannot understand/forgive you, then perhaps she shouldnt be in your life.



Not only in the sense that I know that holding this back would eat me inside, but that ES, you're spot on - if she cannot accept that I have only done exactly what she did, then she is not someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

I really appreciate you guys listening and helping me to decide the correct course of action here. You guys rock. Love to you all.


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InvisibleMr.GuessWork
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Re: Cheated on, then cheated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22452512 - 10/30/15 07:09 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

The only thing I'll add is that I'd be careful to make it clear that you didn't do it to spite her. Her first reaction might be to assume that you did it out of revenge. You should think about how to address that before you tell her what happened. Otherwise your house might get smashed up again, and nobody likes fixing drywall.


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