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InvisibleZombi3
Bella Ciao!!
Male User Gallery


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 27,086
Loc: Bat Country Flag
Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! (Winner = SirShroomsAlott) * 3
    #22445299 - 10/28/15 03:02 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Round 1 Here! (Winner = The Phleg)

I have a supporter account up for grabs going to the poster who posts the funniest joke in this thread! I'll base who gets the supporter account on who's joke gets the most +1's! If nobody +1's any jokes I'll just have a poll or choose my personnal favourite joke lol.

The only rule is you have to post a joke, if your post does not contain a joke you can't win even if you get hella +1's...

Also I will crosscheck winning jokes with my previous contest to make sure you didnt copypaste from round 1.

I'm going to let this run for 1-2 days depending on how quick the jokes roll in.

Looking forward to a good laugh :awesomenod:

:mushdance:


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Youve Met With A Terrible Fate, Havent You?

Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!!
In Crust We Trust


Edited by Zombi3 (11/05/15 03:06 PM)


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Offlinehighvibes
just tryna get high

Registered: 10/28/15
Posts: 227
Loc: Canada Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 3
    #22445330 - 10/28/15 03:07 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Dyslexic man walks into a bra


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I only did ketamine once. I thought you were supposed to do as much as you do cocaine. I didn't move for 3 hours and it sucked. Fuck ketamine.


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Onlinedeff
just love everyone
 User Gallery


Registered: 05/01/04
Posts: 9,406
Loc: clarity Flag
Last seen: 4 minutes, 31 seconds
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 2
    #22445332 - 10/28/15 03:08 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

what's the best thing about scuba diving?

going under the water :awesome:


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: deff] * 7
    #22445379 - 10/28/15 03:17 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

what did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet


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[center


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
Male User Gallery


Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa Flag
Last seen: 5 hours, 38 minutes
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #22445393 - 10/28/15 03:20 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What do you call a Jewish Zebra?

A zebrew!


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InvisibleSirShroomsAlott
Howdy
I'm a teapot


Registered: 05/15/14
Posts: 6,945
Loc: United States Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Patlal] * 8
    #22445408 - 10/28/15 03:23 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.


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InvisibleZombi3
Bella Ciao!!
Male User Gallery


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 27,086
Loc: Bat Country Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: SirShroomsAlott]
    #22445414 - 10/28/15 03:25 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

:lmafo:


--------------------
Youve Met With A Terrible Fate, Havent You?

Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!!
In Crust We Trust


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InvisibleLe_Canard
The Duk Abides


Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 1
    #22445429 - 10/28/15 03:28 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

My love is like a candle: forget me and I'll burn your house down.


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OfflineTheScientificMethod
Psychonautic Explorer & Writer
Male Unread Journal User Gallery


Registered: 02/20/14
Posts: 632
Loc: USA
Last seen: 21 days, 18 hours
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Patlal]
    #22445430 - 10/28/15 03:28 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don't know; I was too busy masterbating to keep track of time


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InvisibleSirShroomsAlott
Howdy
I'm a teapot


Registered: 05/15/14
Posts: 6,945
Loc: United States Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: TheScientificMethod] * 6
    #22445444 - 10/28/15 03:30 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

These jokes I'm telling are so dark I'm surprised that they haven't been shot by the police.


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Offlinenewshroomer123
Stranger
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Registered: 08/06/14
Posts: 378
Loc: Where ever the weed at Flag
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 2
    #22445468 - 10/28/15 03:35 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?




Michael Phelps knows how to finish a race.


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InvisibleEminence
Male


Registered: 07/25/10
Posts: 16,623
Loc: Richmond, VA Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: newshroomer123]
    #22445510 - 10/28/15 03:48 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

glue food to the ceiling


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Offlinemygrowscope
Lurker
Male User Gallery


Registered: 09/18/15
Posts: 64
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Eminence]
    #22445534 - 10/28/15 03:55 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator. .......


A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out .


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P.L.U.R.:mushroom2:


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InvisibleZymosis
Carbon Based Lifeform
Male User Gallery


Registered: 10/17/15
Posts: 237
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: mygrowscope]
    #22445575 - 10/28/15 04:05 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

There are three knights, one with a black sword, one with a golden sword, and one with a bomb.  They decide to throw their weapons over the castle to see what they hit.

The knight with the black sword finds a lady crying and asks her why.  She replies, "A black sword came out of the sky and killed my dog."

The knight with the golden sword finds another lady crying and asks her why.  She replies, "A golden sword came out of the sky and killed my husband."

The knight with the bomb finds a man laughing hysterically and asks him why.  He replies, "I farted and my house blew up."


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zymosis]
    #22445623 - 10/28/15 04:22 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What's the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only one sleep till Christmas.


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[center


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InvisibleConvikt Kelly
Are you gunna smoke that?
Male

Registered: 10/15/15
Posts: 564
Loc: The Wasteland
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: JohnnieYen] * 4
    #22445701 - 10/28/15 04:40 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Why are wedding dresses white?

So that the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove


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Beer.


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Offlinekoods
Ribbit
Male User Gallery


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 106,059
Loc: Maryland/DC Burbs
Last seen: 16 minutes, 59 seconds
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 1
    #22446032 - 10/28/15 06:14 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)



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NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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Offlinespammy
Stranger


Registered: 09/28/15
Posts: 6
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: koods]
    #22446128 - 10/28/15 06:41 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

did i tell you about my uncle gubsy. he was gay. we used to think he was called uncle gubsy because he would take two dicks and go GUB GUB GUB GUB GUB GUB


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InvisibleToadstool5
A Registered Mycophile
Male User Gallery


Registered: 01/22/15
Posts: 1,359
Loc: The Golden State
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 2
    #22446225 - 10/28/15 07:13 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

A couple decides to fly from San Francisco International Airport to the Kennedy International Airport in New York for their honeymoon.

The next week they board the plane and take off. Just as the plane made it over the Nevada border they decide they can not wait and it would be fun to start the honeymoon early. So they sneak into the bathroom and had sex almost the entire flight.

When they finally get off the plane the husband tells his new wife that he feels guilty about what they did. She reassures him that many people have joined the "mile high club" and that he shouldn't worry.

The husband replies, "I know you are right, but I didn't vote for Obama."

Confused, she asks, "why does that matter?"

He tells her with a look of shame, "If I fucked over half of the United States, and didn't vote for him, that makes me quite the hypocrite."


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If you do not know where the mushroom products you are consuming are grown, think twice before eating them. :badshroom:
- Paul Stamets

AMU Teks :mushroom2: Stro's Write Ups


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InvisibleNakedmushroomguru
Wanderer
 User Gallery


Registered: 10/02/15
Posts: 89
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Toadstool5]
    #22446299 - 10/28/15 07:32 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Was told this the other night by a friend who is black : why don't black people have nightmares?              Cause the last dream they had got shot down


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OfflineAnahata


Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 2,399
Last seen: 2 days, 23 hours
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Nakedmushroomguru] * 1
    #22446561 - 10/28/15 08:48 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Apparently there's a new fad going around town, kids are drinking brake fluid to get high. The parents don't seem to concerned though they say they can stop at any time.


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Edited by Anahata (10/28/15 08:49 PM)


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OfflineArctic W. Fox
 User Gallery
Registered: 09/23/14
Posts: 1,357
Last seen: 5 years, 2 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Anahata] * 3
    #22446574 - 10/28/15 08:51 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.


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InvisibleLocN9ne
ɢᄋᄋd ԲᄋЯ ᄁᄋȚᅢΙᄁɢ ᄂᄋ₩ᄂΙԲᄐ
 User Gallery


Registered: 04/17/15
Posts: 7,076
Loc: to the brain Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Arctic W. Fox]
    #22446590 - 10/28/15 08:55 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

One day this black guy went to work...


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Q&A
US vs. THEM

The more I learn, the less I know.


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OfflineFaustoid
समन
Male User Gallery


Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 1,095
Loc: Elsewhere
Last seen: 6 months, 16 days
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: LocN9ne]
    #22446605 - 10/28/15 08:59 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "hey buddy, why the long face?"


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 1
    #22446726 - 10/28/15 09:22 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side  :zomgteehee:


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https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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InvisibleLocN9ne
ɢᄋᄋd ԲᄋЯ ᄁᄋȚᅢΙᄁɢ ᄂᄋ₩ᄂΙԲᄐ
 User Gallery


Registered: 04/17/15
Posts: 7,076
Loc: to the brain Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: zZZz]
    #22448001 - 10/29/15 06:54 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

So cronicr and I are driving down the road, we see a sheep with its head caught in a fence...so I pull over and I start fucking the shit out of this sheep...I look over at cronicr and said "you want some of this?"...to which he replied "fuck yeah!!!"...and this motherfucker goes and sticks his head in the fence... true story.


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Q&A
US vs. THEM

The more I learn, the less I know.


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Offlinemwhtmn
Seeker & Developer
Male User Gallery


Registered: 07/30/15
Posts: 723
Loc: USA
Last seen: 7 years, 10 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: LocN9ne]
    #22448066 - 10/29/15 07:19 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Okay...
So,there are 7 guys.
Each guy has 7 bags.
In each bag there are 7 cats.
Each cat has 7 kittens.

How many legs are there total?


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InvisibleZymosis
Carbon Based Lifeform
Male User Gallery


Registered: 10/17/15
Posts: 237
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: LocN9ne] * 1
    #22448071 - 10/29/15 07:22 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

How do you tell a black joke?

*looks around*


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OnlineLogicaL ChaosM
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs
Male User Gallery


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,356
Loc: The Inexpressible... Flag
Last seen: 46 seconds
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zymosis]
    #22448413 - 10/29/15 09:09 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What is Koods favorite brand of dietary fiber?

Colon Blow


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"What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin

PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms:shroomeryhead:| Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm :tombstone: || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏                                                         
:sunny::bliss::mushroom2: Oregon Eclipse Festival 2017 :: Aug 19th - 21st :: Pure Paradise :mushroom2::bliss::sunny: :rainbowdrink: Very Effective LSA Extraction Tek :rainbowdrink: | 💧 Advanced Cold Water LSA Extraction Method 💧 | :cacti::bongload: Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana | DMT Dab Bongs | UFO Technology! :shpongle:Shpongle:shpongle:   


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
Male User Gallery


Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa Flag
Last seen: 5 hours, 38 minutes
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #22448517 - 10/29/15 09:46 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

If koods knocked his head hard enough, he could officially be both a fruit and a vegetable.

Alright that was a cheap shot... Sry bro...


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Invisiblenice1returns
I am the Holy Shit
 User Gallery


Registered: 09/04/14
Posts: 2,303
Loc: miwuaki Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3]
    #22448542 - 10/29/15 09:58 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Here :narc:


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InvisibleSheekle
FREE BURKE
 User Gallery


Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 53,153
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 1
    #22448590 - 10/29/15 10:12 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

How many skunks does it take to screw in a trash-bulb?

Enough for you to get skunkhrt!


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"Ur cat died because he hated u" - Koods
"I hope JSB kicks your ass one day." - Vandago
"you are the biggest 'internet guy' I have ever come across"- Jokeshopbeard
"The more I see you post the more I realize you're just this fuckin tie dye loser who trolls the Shroomery 24/7." - Herbologist
"Sheekle you cannot vile the dice of bullshit you have posted on this forum over the years, I like databases" - thelastoneleft
"or maybe i just come from a blood line of superior intelligence" - trees

R.I.P Kelsy, ?/?/?? - 6/11/16


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InvisibleJean-guy Masta
Railyard Ghost
Male

Registered: 09/23/14
Posts: 1,827
Loc: MT-Hell
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Sheekle] * 2
    #22448893 - 10/29/15 11:52 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

How do you know if a crust punk have a gf?

he have only one clean finger


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OfflineTheMovement
faeirie princess in training
I'm a teapot


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 6,781
Loc: Under your bed.
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Jean-guy Masta] * 2
    #22448915 - 10/29/15 11:55 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never had a Lentil on me!


--------------------
Utwiddle.net

In order to act like a king, one need only treat everyone else like one.

BUMP THIS THREAD EVERYTIME YOU SEE IT

Join the Anarchy Camp!  Down with Oppression!!


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: TheMovement] * 3
    #22448930 - 10/29/15 11:59 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

whats the difference between your wife and a job

your job will still suck after 5 years


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[center


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #22448938 - 10/29/15 12:01 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!


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[center


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Invisiblemycopathia
(⊙︿⊙✿)


Registered: 10/12/15
Posts: 20
Loc: dark side of the moon
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #22449113 - 10/29/15 12:49 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

what's the difference between jelly and jam?

i can't jelly my d-ck up your arse...


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"In the Beginning, all was static; the earth was neither fire nor solid. It was a drop of water on someone’s kitchen table: an instant between the action of spilling and some future cleaning-up. Or, perhaps, the earth is a barnacle on a rock, formed between two waves; an event of no significance, then, created in a vacuum between the ebb and the flow of some unthinkable, unimaginable sea."-- TL


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OfflineHerbologist
Grrratata
I'm a teapot

Registered: 05/09/10
Posts: 7,471
Loc: Casa Bonita Flag
Last seen: 3 years, 1 month
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: mycopathia]
    #22449268 - 10/29/15 01:29 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What do you call a guy who shoves his arm up the ass of a moose?


an engineer


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Shroomery Law:  Don't piss off the leftist mods & their friends! :banhamster:


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OfflineCoolHandJohn
 User Gallery

Registered: 09/09/15
Posts: 3
Last seen: 7 years, 29 days
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Herbologist]
    #22449315 - 10/29/15 01:46 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?


Because if they drug them by the feet they'd fill up with sand.


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George Carlin, Hunter S. Thompson, Bill Hicks.....The father, the son, and the holy ghost.


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Invisiblemycopathia
(⊙︿⊙✿)


Registered: 10/12/15
Posts: 20
Loc: dark side of the moon
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: CoolHandJohn]
    #22449451 - 10/29/15 02:31 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

a priest and a rabbi are fishing- but can't catch any fish- so the priest turns to the rabbi and says-- "i wish we had a couple of alter boys with us." to which the rabbi inquires- what would you want the alter boys for? to which the priest replies-- "so we could f-ck them." and the rabbi looks at him quizzically and says-- "fuck them out of what?"


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"In the Beginning, all was static; the earth was neither fire nor solid. It was a drop of water on someone’s kitchen table: an instant between the action of spilling and some future cleaning-up. Or, perhaps, the earth is a barnacle on a rock, formed between two waves; an event of no significance, then, created in a vacuum between the ebb and the flow of some unthinkable, unimaginable sea."-- TL


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 17 hours
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: mycopathia]
    #22449479 - 10/29/15 02:40 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

This jokes have hit a new low.
Much like the Jewish population in the 1940s


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InvisibleSirShroomsAlott
Howdy
I'm a teapot


Registered: 05/15/14
Posts: 6,945
Loc: United States Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22449503 - 10/29/15 02:44 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

:lol:

Jews overreact a lot, I had a jewish girlfriend and I farted on her and she got super offended by it, I tried explaining that a little gas never hurt anyone


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 17 hours
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: SirShroomsAlott]
    #22449511 - 10/29/15 02:46 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Some Jewish bitch insulted me the other day.
She was like "The 70s called, they want their hair back!"
So I said "The 40s called, your shower's ready"


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Near Dylan] * 1
    #22449551 - 10/29/15 02:59 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

A man walks into a dentist office and says "help, I think I'm a moth!"
The dentist looks quizzically at him and says" I think you need a psychiatrist, why did you come in here"
man says "the light was on"


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[center


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: JohnnieYen] * 1
    #22450729 - 10/29/15 07:41 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Women's rights


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Offlineoccollegeboi
MushroomSpaceGod
Male User Gallery


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 2,857
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: FruitOfLife] * 2
    #22451208 - 10/29/15 09:15 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

So there's 3 vampires in a bar. The bartender says to the first vampire, "What would you like?" and the vampire responds, "Get me a glass of thick blood" and the bartender gets his drink. To the second vampire, bartender asks the same thing and the second one says, "Get me a glass of thin blood." The bartender asks the third vampire what he wants and he responds, "Get me a glass of hot water" and the bartender gives him a strange look and says, "What the hell do you want hot water for??" The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and states, "I only drink tea."


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Invisiblejahrastafareye
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3]
    #22451237 - 10/29/15 09:19 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What did the man say to the woman with two black eyes? nothing.  He already told her twice.


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: occollegeboi] * 5
    #22452970 - 10/30/15 10:10 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

occollegeboi said:
So there's 3 vampires in a bar. The bartender says to the first vampire, "What would you like?" and the vampire responds, "Get me a glass of thick blood" and the bartender gets his drink. To the second vampire, bartender asks the same thing and the second one says, "Get me a glass of thin blood." The bartender asks the third vampire what he wants and he responds, "Get me a glass of hot water" and the bartender gives him a strange look and says, "What the hell do you want hot water for??" The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and states, "I only drink tea."



Menstruation jokes just aren't funny. Period.


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OnlineLogicaL ChaosM
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Near Dylan] * 1
    #22453022 - 10/30/15 10:30 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

:justastonishing:


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Invisiblemycopathia
(⊙︿⊙✿)


Registered: 10/12/15
Posts: 20
Loc: dark side of the moon
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22453167 - 10/30/15 11:13 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

BUMP


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"In the Beginning, all was static; the earth was neither fire nor solid. It was a drop of water on someone’s kitchen table: an instant between the action of spilling and some future cleaning-up. Or, perhaps, the earth is a barnacle on a rock, formed between two waves; an event of no significance, then, created in a vacuum between the ebb and the flow of some unthinkable, unimaginable sea."-- TL


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Invisiblenice1returns
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3]
    #22453255 - 10/30/15 11:41 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a whore?

One washes their crack and sells it again

:ducklol:


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Invisiblemycopathia
(⊙︿⊙✿)


Registered: 10/12/15
Posts: 20
Loc: dark side of the moon
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22453308 - 10/30/15 11:56 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

damn- that's f-cked up, and not funny. two points for you


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"In the Beginning, all was static; the earth was neither fire nor solid. It was a drop of water on someone’s kitchen table: an instant between the action of spilling and some future cleaning-up. Or, perhaps, the earth is a barnacle on a rock, formed between two waves; an event of no significance, then, created in a vacuum between the ebb and the flow of some unthinkable, unimaginable sea."-- TL


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InvisibleThe Phleg
Big Dick Chakra
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 1
    #22455092 - 10/30/15 07:37 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick,"
he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid.
He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American
whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book
...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest!
The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."


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You wanna get high? Drink tap water.
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InvisibleZombi3
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: The Phleg]
    #22455131 - 10/30/15 07:45 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

I'll probably give out the supporter account tomorrow or the next day sometime! I dunno who's winning so far..


--------------------
Youve Met With A Terrible Fate, Havent You?

Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!!
In Crust We Trust


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 1
    #22455191 - 10/30/15 07:52 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

World's hardest tongue twister:

"pad kid poured curd pulled cold"


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InvisibleNobler Hino
a dojo and a forge?!
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Registered: 08/29/15
Posts: 1,780
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Patlal] * 2
    #22455271 - 10/30/15 08:07 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Guy gets his eye lids ripped off in a car accident, and visits a surgeon. The surgeon tells the guy he can fix his eye lid problem by taking his foreskin off of his cock and sewing them over his eyeballs. The guy says great are there any risks?
The doctor says no but you'll be cock eyed for the rest of your life!


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"The sacred mushroom takes me by the hand and brings me to the world where everything is known. It is they, the sacred mushrooms, that speak in a way I can understand. I ask them and they answer me.”
– Maria Sabina


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OfflineAnahata


Registered: 02/25/12
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3]
    #22455337 - 10/30/15 08:22 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Why was the snowman standing in the street with his pants down?
He heard a snowblower was coming.

What's the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

The energizer bunny was arrested the other day, he was charged with battery.

Have you heard the one about the boomerang?
It's coming back.

What do you call a room of stoned Mexicans?
Baked beans.

What happened to the cat that ate the ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

You know why you don't have sex with pigs?
Because they squeal on ya.


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Offlinespirit_shadow
Feature not a bug
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Registered: 08/15/11
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Anahata]
    #22455707 - 10/30/15 09:42 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Why don't Arab/Muslim area teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day?

The camels would get too tired.


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ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011
Ban lotto


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OfflineLucisM
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3]
    #22455940 - 10/30/15 10:40 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

There's a white guy, a mexican, and a black guy walking through a farmers pasture lands.

The crazed farmer comes out with a gun and say he's going to kill each one of them unless they can shove 10 veggies/fruits of their choosing up their ass within 1 minute.  The white guy says OK, walks over to some peas and commences to shove 10 pea pods up hit ass rather quickly, the farmer says OK you're good.  The mexican guy walks over to the peanut plants, and commences to shove ten peanuts up his ass with haste, farmer says OK you made it.  Farmer then sees the white guy and the mexican laughing hysterically, he asks what's up and they say "look at the black guy, he's headed to the watermelon patch"


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©️


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Invisiblebilly jowl
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Lucis] * 1
    #22456279 - 10/31/15 12:53 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

A black guy and a Mexican are riding in a car.
Who is most likely driving.

The cop  :rimshot:


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OfflineWhoManBeing
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: billy jowl]
    #22456327 - 10/31/15 01:27 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

A priest, a carpenter and plumber walk into a bar, order their drinks, gives cheer.  The carpenter plays pool, angles and measurements his expertise.  The plumber plays pinball. The priest leans on jukebox taking alms for psalms.


--------------------
Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!!

Eye was thinking the other day...  ahh, thinking never done me no good.



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Offlinezappaisgod
horrid asshole


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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: WhoManBeing] * 3
    #22457425 - 10/31/15 11:50 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

A couple are on a tryst at a motel room going at it hard and heavy.  In the middle of the action the guy tells the girl, "roll over, i'm going to put it in your ass."  "In my ass?!, the girl says.  " That's pretty presumptuous of you."  "Presumptuous,"  the guy exclaims,  "Presumptuous?", he says again.  "That's a pretty big word for a nine year old."


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 17 hours
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: zappaisgod]
    #22457448 - 10/31/15 11:58 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

zappaisgod said:
A couple are on a tryst at a motel room going at it hard and heavy.  In the middle of the action the guy tells the girl, "roll over, i'm going to put it in your ass."  "In my ass?!, the girl says.  " That's pretty presumptuous of you."  "Presumptuous,"  the guy exclaims,  "Presumptuous?", he says again.  "That's a pretty big word for a nine year old."



Classic! I heard a joke like kind of like that, but it went
"I was talking to this hot girl online and she said she was an FBI agent. That's a pretty impressive job for a 9 year old." or something like that


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InvisibleZombi3
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22479817 - 11/05/15 07:38 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Gunna give out the account today after I get home in like 3-4 hours so get ya last jokes in my bromigos


--------------------
Youve Met With A Terrible Fate, Havent You?

Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!!
In Crust We Trust


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OfflineRebelutionsssss
Mdmazing
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Registered: 07/23/14
Posts: 13,137
Loc: San Francisco
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 2
    #22479954 - 11/05/15 08:07 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

you're toetally awesome zombie :awehigh:


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:
To define is to confine.


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,529
Loc: City Z
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Rebelutionsssss] * 2
    #22480690 - 11/05/15 11:16 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."


--------------------
[center


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
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Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #22480842 - 11/05/15 11:54 AM (8 years, 2 months ago)

A poor father and his son live in the woods together. The fridge is almost empty and the dad gives his son the last 50$ he has to go in town and buy groceries.

So the son takes the path in the woods to get to town and walks casually. Suddenly he sees a gloryhole booth giving blowjobs for 50$.... The son looks at the booth then the cash and in the end decides to go for the gloryhole. He figures he'll tell his father that he got robbed or something...

So the son gets a blowjob then waits half an hour to make it seem as if he went to town and then goes back home to his father pretending to be sad that he lost the cash.

When he gets in the house the father has a big smile on his face... The son asks his dad, why are you smiling like that???

The father replies: I just made $50!!!


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Edited by Patlal (11/05/15 12:05 PM)


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Invisiblethelanzii

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 5,434
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Patlal]
    #22480948 - 11/05/15 12:24 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

why are black people so tall?
cause their Negroes


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: thelanzii]
    #22481030 - 11/05/15 12:49 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

(knee grows)


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InvisibleShiithead
Your Huckleberry
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Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 9,997
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Near Dylan]
    #22481042 - 11/05/15 12:51 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

God.

Just kidding.




--------------------

Ephesians 6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Psalm 12:6
The words of the Lord are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times.
Hebrews 11:3
Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.
Revelation 3:11
Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.


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OfflineNear Dylan
Shitpost Artist


Registered: 07/29/15
Posts: 13,929
Last seen: 7 days, 17 hours
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Shiithead]
    #22481129 - 11/05/15 01:09 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

How do you start a rave in africa?
Glue toast to the ceiling


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InvisibleZombi3
Bella Ciao!!
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Registered: 01/11/13
Posts: 27,086
Loc: Bat Country Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: SirShroomsAlott]
    #22481490 - 11/05/15 03:07 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

SirShroomsAlott said:
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.



Here's the winning joke with 8 plus ones! Your supporter account will be given to you tonight, congrats SirShroomsAlott!!

Thanks for playing everybody!


--------------------
Youve Met With A Terrible Fate, Havent You?

Click here to enter this weeks Ban Lottery!!
In Crust We Trust


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OnlineLogicaL ChaosM
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs
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Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: Zombi3] * 1
    #22481664 - 11/05/15 03:54 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

that was my favorite joke and yours too Zombi3!

Good work SirShroomsALot :awesome::thumbup:


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Invisiblechameleon303
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Registered: 10/06/09
Posts: 1,703
Loc: Arcane Sanctuary Flag
Re: Post the funniest joke, win a supporter account! Round 2!! [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #22482050 - 11/05/15 05:19 PM (8 years, 2 months ago)

a cow jumps out of a plane moo and his chute fails to open, his moo life flashes before his eyes, he hits the ground mooooo, his eyes open to find him self about to jump again moo,he thinks to himself is this what they call a paradox.

i must read threads more before posting haha, great winning joke btw


Edited by chameleon303 (11/05/15 07:03 PM)


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