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InvisibleHeisencybin
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Am I an asshole?
    #22436981 - 10/26/15 05:56 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

So I am engaged and planning to get married just over a year from now. Shortly before proposing, she got sick and lost her voice. When she got better, she only was able to get like 50% of her voice back and she has lasting physical symptoms such as being tired all the time, in pain and achy a lot of the time too. She has lost strength and energy and struggles carrying on as usual compared to before she got sick. Now I've been there for her through all of this and still want to marry her, but no one can figure out what's wrong with her!

She's even gotten lazy about seeing doctors or trying anything to help her health. She also doesn't eat healthy or have the energy to ever exercise... it's been a struggle but we love each other and have been together about 5 years total. Now with wedding date a year from now, I told her that I need to know what is wrong with her health before I make such a large commitment. To get some diagnosis or idea of whether this is permanent or not. I can work with whatever it is and will most likely marry her no matter what, but there's something in my gut that tells me I need some certainty of her health. And i cant marry her until we have a better idea of what's going on with her...

Am I an asshole for telling her this? That I may put off our wedding date until she can figure out this whole ordeal? She's quite upset, but it's also logical in my opinion.


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Offlinezappaisgod
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin] * 1
    #22437101 - 10/26/15 06:25 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

No.


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Invisiblemicro
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin]
    #22437218 - 10/26/15 06:58 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

How are you an asshole for having feelings and being honest about them?

I still don't know if you are an asshole, but if so it is for different reasons :V

Marriage IMO, is such a lame custom to hold over one's head.

The idea is unromantic too: "hey, I love you; let's be together forever, now put that in writing."

I would just tell her you wanted to be open about your feelings and want to stay with her. You probably also feel bad and want to see her get better; this could be your opportunity to ask if she'll help out with that. I wouldn't want to see someone I love get sick and not care, only to get worse. Besides, you can only lead a horse to water.

How long has this been going on?

It almost sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome as it is persistent. Some think it can be triggered by infection or stress but there is no test for the condition. If it gets worse with physical or mental stress it is more likely. Another thing to consider is what hit her in the first place; I'm not sure what that is, but it was obviously somewhere near the thyroid gland. If it was direct pathology then it is usually temporary, or Hashimoto's would not be (and this would be less likely but can be triggered by infection) but replacing thyroid hormone is easy.

There are other reasons, especially if it hasn't been going on that long. Depression, for example could cause all of these: excessive sleep can lead to pains and weakness. Same with general boredom, stress and lack of exercise.

I'm sure the doctors ruled out the usual stuff like infection (via t-cell count) and ran a standard blood panel, etc. Have they tested thyroid levels? That would rule out pathology from the infection and Hashimoto's since it already seems to be affecting her if they are normal. I'm sure they could tell if the thyroid is inflamed too, for the virus/whatever causing damage.

Who knows? >.<

Best thing to try and help her recover is good diet, exercise, lack of stress and enough sleep.

In other words, much of what you've already been trying to do.


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Any research paper or book for free
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Edited by micro (10/26/15 07:00 PM)


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OfflineLucisM
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin]
    #22438200 - 10/26/15 10:48 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Maybe she is really stressed out about getting married, stress can manifest itself in a number of gnarly ways, physically and emotionally.


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InvisibleHeisencybin
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Lucis]
    #22439157 - 10/27/15 07:34 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Hmm good input guys. She's not stressed, but she's been living like this for over 3 years now... I will look into what you mentioned though. Our next stop is at a neurological clinic. But of course her mother's insurance doesn't kick in until january... seems like her parents have given up trying. I feel like it's been almost a year since her last appointment. I'm glad I'm not being selfish in this decision, but right now she's still pretty pissed at me. Oh well. Thanks for the input guys, appreciate it


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OfflineSade
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin]
    #22439177 - 10/27/15 07:48 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

She got comfortable with the relationship and is showing her true nature. Happens a lot, usually people just gain wait because they do not need to impress eachother any more in their opinion. This then leads to cheating I feel. Express your thoughts op because I would be upset if she did a 180° on her attitude when you love the other side of her.


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OfflineTripsurfer
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Sade]
    #22440455 - 10/27/15 02:13 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

So when exactly did you propose to her? She has been like this for three years?


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Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros...

A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.



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Offlinebloodsheen
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Tripsurfer]
    #22440487 - 10/27/15 02:24 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I think your honesty makes you dumb but it doesn't make you an asshole

People don't like to hear about their partner having doubts, even when they themselves have doubts occasionally

And admittedly it may have sounded like an ultimatum. Get better or I'm leaving you. Even if thats not what you meant at all people sometimes read between the lines when there isnt actually anything there


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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog


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InvisibleHeisencybin
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: bloodsheen]
    #22440873 - 10/27/15 04:18 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I proposed about a year after she got sick, which was almost 2 years ago. Sorry I think i had my years mixed up. So yes, she's been sick for 3 years and we were together 2 years before she got sick.

She took it pretty rough. Took it as kinda an ultimatum, but i just want things more lined up and controlled before we have our wedding. I want her health to be a priority before we get married and it seems like she put the wedding before her health now.

Honestly I knew this would all piss her off, but i think of it as an investment of both of our senses of well being. Piss her off now, which will pressure her to pick things up a bit and see doctors again to at least have some sort of idea what is wrong. I was looking at the bigger picture and we have all the time in the world to get married. I don't want this uncertainty freaking me out in the back of my head a month before the wedding. I want to be clear headed and 100% certain what to expect and have no doubts in who I am marrying.


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OfflineEzuma
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin]
    #22442710 - 10/27/15 11:25 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

just make sure you explain your reasoning well.
No you're not an asshole, but I could see how someone could misunderstand if you didn't communicate your feelings well


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OfflineMachiavelliavore
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin]
    #22443151 - 10/28/15 02:28 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Sounds like what you're really saying is that you want to see more effort from her if you're going to commit to her.  That's a harder thing to say, but it might be better, in that it doesn't sound like you're trying to make sure she isn't defective before buying her.

What you describe reminds me of chronic fatigue syndrome from mono (ie mono forever.)  Did she have a horific sore throat during her period of voice loss?  Weird tasting thick saliva is another symtom, as well as some fever stuff and ongoing tiredness.


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I spawned some popcorn casings and had double-overlay cause I didn't put enough hydrogen peroxide in my automated aquarium mister.  I only got one mushroom so I cut off the head part where the seeds fall from and put it in a jar of LC and sprayed it all over a tin of PF cakes I made with gravel, cardboard, and bisquick in my microwave.  I think it will be good cause B+ is so potent.
Triggered yet?

Only a square would say "a cube is a cube."


No, this does not look right...


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Offlinesprinkles
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin] * 1
    #22443170 - 10/28/15 02:37 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

motivate that bitch, give her something to live for. 


or meth.




Or you could always take out a large life insurance policy.  With that make sure you get a living will, so if she go terminal they dont keep her alive artifically.

LOL Should the worst happen it could be the best thing that ever happend.  gotta look on the bright side, just a matter of perspective.


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InvisibleHeisencybin
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: sprinkles]
    #22443403 - 10/28/15 05:32 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

If a way, I am nervous about going all in on someone that may just fall apart even more. And trust me, I feel pretty selfish about that considering she can't control this. But let's say we get married and then things get p regressive ly worse and I end up having to take care of her even more when I'm trying to have a career and want a family one day. That's what I'm so nervous avout. If she stays the same, we can manage though. Just would like a little more peace of mind. Thanks again guys, I will be looking into what was mentioned above


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Offlinesprinkles
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin]
    #22443580 - 10/28/15 07:22 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

people can change but they dont. 


like im a drug addict, i can get better, but my relationships with people other than my family will still be shitty because they will stay the same.


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Invisiblemicro
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: sprinkles]
    #22447253 - 10/28/15 11:26 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

sprinkles said:
people can change but they dont. 


like im a drug addict, i can get better, but my relationships with people other than my family will still be shitty because they will stay the same.




So, you can stop doing drugs altogether, but you can't stop doing whatever it is you do that causes relationships to fail? I think Henry David Thoreau said it best - "What is called resignation is confirmed desperation."

Like you say, you could stop doing drugs... Maybe you're like I am and are fucked up all the time but never on the same thing (and half the shit nobody has even heard about). Could I stop? Yes, I have every ability to stop quite easily. Will I? No, because that isn't my choice. I quit drinking and I'm better for that but all the other shit is mine to claim >:3

The way you state that in your post however does not lead me to believe it is your choice.

Why is that?


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Any research paper or book for free
(Avatar is Maxxy, a character by Mizzyam, RIP)


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OfflineTheGreenArrow
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: micro]
    #22447641 - 10/29/15 02:13 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Same time man a 30 year old woman without a ring in her finger can get looked at funny uh n certain places still.


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A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an
invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, conn a ship, write a
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Offlinejames_n
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: TheGreenArrow]
    #22447777 - 10/29/15 03:50 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

OP, to be honest it sounds like you're trying to think this through like a sensible adult and deal with actual problems instead of throwing a ring at them ... more than I can say for plenty of other people I've known.

You're on the right track bud :greatjob:


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InvisibleHeisencybin
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: james_n]
    #22448290 - 10/29/15 08:23 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

james_n said:
OP, to be honest it sounds like you're trying to think this through like a sensible adult and deal with actual problems instead of throwing a ring at them ... more than I can say for plenty of other people I've known.

You're on the right track bud :greatjob:



Thank you. Feels good to get some clarity from others. I csn tend to be irrational at times


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OfflineDavesnothere
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Heisencybin]
    #22448408 - 10/29/15 09:08 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Whether you are a assshole or not seems irrelevant.  BTW I don't think you are.  You only only go around once my friend, make it good and as long as your honest with yourself and others little else matters IMHO.  Id trade her in on a model more suited to your preferences.


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Disappointment is caused by unrealistic expectations.


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OfflineMurzelpfrumpft
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Re: Am I an asshole? [Re: Davesnothere]
    #22448975 - 10/29/15 12:10 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

What if she isn't sick and she just became lazy and a little older?

I don't think you want to marry this woman either way, it doesn't sound all to promising.
But you have to look at what women you can get. Will there be better options?


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