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TameMe
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Stagnation
#22425674 - 10/24/15 02:33 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I feel my accomplishments are far behind my ambitions; not to say I seek acomplishments for any particular reason that I can think of....just a feeling I'm constantly failing at reaching my potential or even putting time into things I want to do.
I am very imaginative and dream big.....but I cant seem to set my self on a path to make strides towards acheiving my ultamite goals.
When I first discovered shroomery about ten years ago I was a bachelor wafting through higher education, taking nothing seriously except for introspection, at some point I rid myself of fears of expressing my true self to people, for awhile I had no filter at all and felt free but also felt who I was would remain an outkast never fit for society.....when I met a women and conceived a child everything changed. I finished my degree and started behaving much more selflessly for the sake of my son and his wellbeing. I now have a filter that enables me to feel I have a place in society which allows me to give my son an upbringing that is maintaining my expectation of what a satisfactory childhood ought to look like. I'm a corporate family man now doing what i do for my family but i feel a peice of me is lost....and I want my full potential me.....to be satisfied with myself and go beyond the satisfactory life for myself and family and make it to the spectacular.....
I dont know if this is all ego and i have unatainable desires based out of envy or materialistic desires and creature comforts.... Or its something else
Right now it feels much more existential...
I have a burning desire to express myself artisticly wether, by paint, sculpture, writibg, or music, but for whatever reason I am stuck deciding what creative outlet to take or stick to any project longer than its first night of conception to even see it to fruition or manifest into the ideal object that my minds eye holds.
I dont see any inner peace in my future unless i struggle to discipline myself to struggle through a long and complex project...yet i always tell myself there is no time...particularly not for my selfesh goals to express myself...while at the same time telling myself that having no time to work for my selfish goals is really a cop out and im trully lazy
Edited by TameMe (10/24/15 02:36 AM)
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
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Re: Stagnation [Re: TameMe]
#22425683 - 10/24/15 02:41 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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STFU and get down to it. Whose permission are you seeking>? Ours? Of course not.
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TameMe
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Not sure what it is im seeking honestly.....perhaps some insight into why i am behaving this way so i may be able to redirect focus and energy to change perspective and behavior....the whole just do it thing just doesnt work for me.....i think maybe i should settle in the role of just doing what i'm told and numb myself in my free time
Edited by TameMe (10/24/15 02:45 AM)
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TameMe
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Re: Stagnation [Re: TameMe]
#22425692 - 10/24/15 02:51 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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A thought came to mind that i desire to create for a finished object and its glory to shine on me...rather than create for sake of creating for more altruistic intention....and perhaps that is why i am too lazt to create because if i work hard for goal to be recognized and i fail....then i am crushed deeper than the idea that if i dont try maybe i could have done it.....just a bunch of bullshit spewing now....just confused and always wanting more and feeling this is all a sick charade that will end in Death or some glorious awakening brought on through me..messiah complex
Edited by TameMe (10/24/15 02:52 AM)
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



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Re: Stagnation [Re: TameMe] 2
#22425695 - 10/24/15 02:53 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Waiting for a lightning bolt is ridiculous. Grab a paintbrush, a pen or a guitar and start creating. Turn off you inner chatter and just express yourself. It may bring a million dollars or merely internal satisfaction. Is the latter not enough?
Here is one of my creations.
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TameMe
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Well id be a real fool to try and start zomething at this hour.....need sleep for that alertness with toddler in a handful of hours from now when he awakes.....yet....something tells me i'll lie awake for awhile anyway....just no place...too many excuses...cant disturb others contentness....i wanna freeze timeand retreat to a cave....i feel my contentness hinges on my families....i sacrifice for theirs because if i didnt provide or ignored or made a ruckus when i felt a ruckus needed to be made swirling paint around in middle of jight.....the 3 people would suffer for happiness of 1
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TameMe
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Quote:
OrgoneConclusion said: Waiting for a lightning bolt is ridiculous. Grab a paintbrush, a pen or a guitar and start creating. Turn off you inner chatter and just express yourself. It may bring a million dollars or merely internal satisfaction. Is the latter not enough?
Here is one of my creations.
E Like the creation....well suited title..because feels like a jam recording...rushed....in the moment (and reason unrequited).....i want a more methodical and refined peice to emerge....something that i could be remebered for....something worth actually doing. Yeah i am a dick.
Edited by TameMe (10/24/15 03:06 AM)
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



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Re: Stagnation [Re: TameMe] 1
#22425734 - 10/24/15 03:20 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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That's what I am trying to tell you: waiting for the perfect moment for the perfect creation is counter-productive.
Just create. The more practice, the purer the expression. There IS no point of arrival. It is a continual exercise. Forget the end product; just express. As you become more centered on exactly what you are doing rather than the result, then you have most likely created something of value that others can appreciate.
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
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That's great, OC! 
I personally like to write poems, thus:
Programmed Minds
Whatever seems to be at issue The answer is ever the same The way out is to legislate "More programs!" is our game
Solutions aren't so ready As to be simple as that Nothing ever really changes Are rabbits begot by a hat?
The only true solution Is to change a mind or two Such is all we can honestly Hope for, or can do
The statutes aren't the problem It all resides in us The people! are the final agents Involved in any fuss
The responsibility is ours And nothing will ever change Unless we grow a conscience And develop some more brains
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


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Re: Stagnation [Re: TameMe]
#22428415 - 10/24/15 05:39 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
TameMe said: if i work hard for goal to be recognized and i fail....then i am crushed deeper than the idea that if i dont try
It's this fear of failure that often holds us back from even trying. It sounds like you don't want to put in the hard work because why bother, what if things don't work out, which they won't because you'll give up at first opportunity rather than risk that failure.
Then the question becomes, who has told you that you are even capable of being a failure? Dad? Is this why being such a good dad is so important, because your Dad failed you? Something made you this way, where you are afraid of even trying. What was it?
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
Edited by LunarEclipse (10/24/15 05:41 PM)
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Cleverhans
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Hey TameMe, I'm familiar with this kind of feeling, believe me. I've experienced a lot of frustration and stagnation with my particular means of expression (writing and music). Something that I have found to help me (and this is still something i'm working through) is to do a lot of non-judgmental writing. I'll wake up in the morning and write out a description of the night's dreams. Or if I'm feeling bothered, or hung up on something, I will sit down and just let my thoughts out on to the page. The value in this is that I don't ever expect anybody to read any of what I write. I just get used to putting ideas, images, and stories into a coherent written form. Then when I do go to write a new song, or whatever, while what I write still isn't perfect, it comes out more easily and I have less personal judgement attached to it, because I have become accustomed to expressing myself through writing. That, and taking long walks can help too.
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quinn
some kinda love


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Re: Stagnation [Re: TameMe]
#22430665 - 10/25/15 06:34 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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so what's so great about whatever it is huh?
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Cleverhans
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Re: Stagnation [Re: quinn]
#22432025 - 10/25/15 01:50 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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that's a good question.
for me, i think it comes from the desire, or a felt need, to make something. and when that thing is artistic, when it is a reflection of yourself and what is going on in your head, you want that thing to be really good. because if it's shit, and it's a reflection of yourself, it's going to make yourself feel like shit. but really, you just don't know how to accurately reflect yourself yet.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
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well i know i am the awesomest and my thoughts are otherworldly but my art is mediocre.. what do? practice i suppose
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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Cleverhans
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Re: Stagnation [Re: quinn]
#22433521 - 10/25/15 07:52 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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makes sense, right?
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