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Offlinefelliee
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Registered: 10/19/15
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Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms)
    #22401570 - 10/19/15 08:30 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Hello shroom community ,am new here and  this is my first trip report here.
So i some introduction of myself , i am now 26 years old male and i have been extreme stoner since my 23's .  I used to be stoned from the morning until i sleep , besides that i have experienced with MDMA and some synthetic canabinoids shits.

That's gonna be a really long story so bear with me please..

So back 2 years ago about at christmas a friend A brought with him some home grown shrooms , and he urged me i have to taste , i was a bit worried about that , but i ate some 0.5 grams of fresh shroom.
I havent tripped nor i have any visuals , the only think i remember was that i felt ,extremly funny, laught, euphoric and a dizzy head , i was felt like i was on a really good haze skunk. But thats all.

After that experience i decided that i want to taste again that stuff. And here my nightmare started .... so bear with me .
About 2 months later , in February i ordered from the internet 5 gram of dry shrooms called Columbians.

About evening me and a close friend C ingested 0.5 g I and he 1 g . All i remmeber was cloudy mind and inability to think clear or do simple tasks like roll a joint..that lasted for about 2 hours then we went out for some beers and thats all .

When i came back to my home ( i was living alone in that time ) i remembered i was out of weed , so i decided to eat again that shit , how stupid i was....
So i ingested 1.2 grams or so because i wanted to have some visuals ..

So i mixed the dry shroom powder with some juice and ingest about  04:05 AM .. 04:30 AM still no effects so i decided to watch some animes.
05:15 I started feel light-headed, and i said to myself omg the crap is starting kick-in , i was excited and worried at the momment.
05:40 i had trouble watch the anime , i couldnt concetrate  or to be honest at the time i couldnt understand what i was seeing or what was happening , the screen became so bright and the colours was puring out of the screen , i realised i couldnt understand a shit nor i couldnt read the subs anymore.

I decided to stand up and go to the bathroom to throw some water to my face.
Then i noticed myself in the mirror , and i was felt so strange , i couldnt recognize myself , i was so confused ..

06:30 I have lost totally my mind , still no visuals or hallucinations , but really strong weird feelings regarding my body and who i am .
I couldnt tell where exactly was my hands or my legs , i could feel the air rush throught my system in each breath.
I tried close my eyes to relax and then i started having visuals of creepy images , when i opened my eyes they were still there for couple of seconds as an afterimage, so i decided i wont close anymore my eyes.

About 07:10 AM my close buddy C comes by my home , after i begged him to come because i had an extreme feeling of being alone , like i was the only person in the earth , i never felt so isolated in my whole life , i was convicted  to kill myself by the time. I had some feelings that am prisoner of my mind , or an isolated prisoner within a body. It was really confusing shit.
My buddy tried calm me down , but i was walking like paranoid from my bathroom to the living room sweating , and i was thinking that , i have to endure more hours this creepy feelings and that i want to escape from that situation but i cant so i felt more like a prisoner, and that made me more anxious and crazy.

About 10:00 Am it was already sunny outside i was still confused,anxious and paniced and really tired. My buddy fell asleep but i couldnt , i was staring at nothingness and feeling extreme feelings of despair , and fear...

I cant remember anymore of this trip , i have passed out about 12:30 am or so . I wake up by the evening , like 19:00 or so , i was confused i had light head and for no reason i became aggravated i started cry and throw thinks onto the walls i became mad for everything.

The next 3 months i diagnosed with anxiety disorder, depersonalization and derealization , i was convicted that i will never be myself again , and that i am insane, i was felt like i killed myself and now i have to live like this...

After the 3 months by the start of June , i noticed some serious changes in my vision , i had like 20 floaters , the colours was really bright , i had static during the night , i was seeing flashes if i were in a total dark room, and i could see some shitty rain in low light , also the after images was lasting for minutes ( if i was driving and the sunlight hit my eyes , i could see the sun for 5-10 minutes in my vision,,, from dark red shifting to purple to deep blue )... Also i couldnt stare at monochrome walls , it made me feel really uncofortable ,and produce some pain in my eyes .

I visited 2 different eyes experts , because i was worried about my vision, ... i did all the tests both they said my eyes are fine and that i have sharp vision 20/20.....

About the end of this crappy year about december still feeling ill and still cant move forward. i managed to feel better and try find myself again.

But then  about Jenuary i had the first panic attack , and made me my life misserable...
Since  then ,the panics attacks became more frequent to the point i was afraid go out of home or travel at all. I quited  my beloved  weed ( by the time the weed was made me calm and stop thinking all this bullshits )because  i couldnt handle it anymore as it was made me more paranoid, more anxious and a feeling that i am total insane.

Now at a point i can control my panic attacks , i have diagnosed  with depression and ,with extreme anxiety disorder, that take form of body pains , or a feeling of suffocating...
I was prescribed 5 months ago Xanax and Lexapro ( escitalopram ) they psychiatric told i have to take that medication for a year..

I took Lexapro for 3 days and i was felt more bad , i felt extreme terror and insanity , so i decided to fight this without medication , i have only used once Xanax 4 months ago in an extreme panic attack that i couldnt handle..

So thats the crappy story of my life. I am convicted that i will never be the same person again , i am sure that am by now insane and paranoid or schizophrenic but still all my friends or people who know me tell me am totally fine and more mature person now, but i cant bealive thems ,. i pass all day thinking that am insane and i will end up in a pschyciatric clinic...
I just cant laught anymore or think positive or see smething interesting in the life , the suicide was my only way to solve all this nightmare.

Am really sorry for this long wall of text ,my grammar and my english, i hope you can understand me.
So what you think about me guys... ??? is there any hope for me or i will be doomed for my rest of my life..?

Thanks in advance


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OfflineViolace
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Registered: 10/09/15
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Last seen: 6 years, 9 days
Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: felliee]
    #22401927 - 10/19/15 09:24 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I recently had a similar experience, it made me feel completely alone, and temporarily understand why I felt that way as well. I wrote a trip report on this site and the people on here have REALLY helped me come to terms with the insight.
Such a trip definitely induces what the public calls "depersonilization" and "derealization". I've noticed that explaining to others that haven't had the experience is mostly just detrimental and just makes it worse. You're only diagnosed with these things because the people that diagnosed to you haven't had the same experience as you.
Just remember that life isn't any less real than it was before your trip. I think you should simply try to accept it, and after that try to get your mind off of the feeling that nothing is real and just try to make the best of life. Suicide isn't the right way, because life simply is like this and it will always be like this. Staying off any sorts medication is an extremely good choice, I suggest you proceed to do that. :smile: Good luck!


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OfflineHanz
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: felliee]
    #22404239 - 10/19/15 04:18 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Hi felliee,

I must say, I'm surprised that such a small dose could lead to such serious effects. It's possible, but rare. There is a cliche that bad trips are always caused by an underlying psychological problem that was already there before the trip. This is perhaps not always true. But I just want to say, it could be possible that the shrooms made certain existing problems in your mindset come to life in a more acute way. It is indeed best to try to resolve these before tripping or smoking again.

I'm no expert, but I've heard of a condition called HPPD, that is when you keep having visual hallucinations after a trip. Have you looked into this? As far as I know it is very rare to have it after just one or two trips, and it mostly goes away with time.

Also, it is always good not to use medication when you don't really need it. But on the other hand it is also bad not to take medication when you do need it. So, never too much, but never too little either.

I speak from experience. I don't need xanax, in case of panic I just wait patiently until it's over. Luckily I have that choice, not everybody does. But there is other medication that I do need. So I take it, and feel like a better person. I have some friends who are really better now because of their anxiety meds. Some of them feel bad for not taking them sooner. They think they could perhaps have solved some problems quicker if they had taken them sooner. However, these meds are never xanax or benzo, but some other, special anxiety medicine. I'm not sure which. Again, I'm no expert. But a web search should be easy. 

I don't want to start a medication debate, I just want to say that for some people, some medications can really help. If you are one of those people, and such meds exist for you, they might just be able to help you and make the difference between hell and normal life.

Finally, is there any hope? I'm sure there is. I can not give you a golden tip. But I can try to give you something small. Here it is: never forget the body.

If the body feels good, the mind can feel good too. That means, live healthy, take up sports, go exercise, lift weights or play tennis, do aikido or tai chi, or whatever. Moving around is one of the best cures for depression!

Eat healthy too, it makes all the difference. Also, consider mindfulness meditation. It can really help you make you conscious of the body by learning you how to listen to your body and your mind/soul. It can perhaps restore the balance somewhat. This is not religious in any way if that is not your thing. But it can be healthy. Look it up: mindfulness.

I hope this helped. Good luck, and all the best! And do not hesitate to ask other questions in this thread...

Love, Hanz.


--------------------
Small scale alternative parties rich in empathy and extravagance. Happen to know of one in the vicinity of Amsterdam? PM me my dear fellow. I love to meet some other freaks.

Oh and, if you can,.. embrace the nyctomorph. It needs you.


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Offlinefelliee
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: Hanz]
    #22418383 - 10/22/15 01:45 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you for  replys guys ,, am really gratefull.  It helped me try think out of the box am trapped it...
But i still thinking like i have schizoprenia or i will develop.
Thats my nightmare i hate it i dont want be insane. Am obsessed with that thought i feel like paranoid about it .. or am i already and i dont know it....damnn i feel terrible right now.


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Offlinefelliee
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: Hanz]
    #22418400 - 10/22/15 01:51 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Hanz said:
Hi felliee,

There is a cliche that bad trips are always caused by an underlying psychological problem that was already there before the trip. This is perhaps not always true. But I just want to say, it could be possible that the shrooms made certain existing problems in your mindset come to life in a more acute way.







So Hanz you saying me that i already have psychological problems , and after the shrooms they became active ???? i mean ,, i was already insane or schizophrenic and now  it starts to unveil ?
Jesus you make me feel even worst.. i dont want live like this , i want to be sane i dont want end up in a clinic.. i want live good and strong not insane .


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OfflineHanz
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: felliee]
    #22419069 - 10/22/15 04:38 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

felliee said:
Quote:

Hanz said:
Hi felliee,

There is a cliche that bad trips are always caused by an underlying psychological problem that was already there before the trip. This is perhaps not always true. But I just want to say, it could be possible that the shrooms made certain existing problems in your mindset come to life in a more acute way.







So Hanz you saying me that i already have psychological problems , and after the shrooms they became active ???? i mean ,, i was already insane or schizophrenic and now  it starts to unveil ?
Jesus you make me feel even worst.. i dont want live like this , i want to be sane i dont want end up in a clinic.. i want live good and strong not insane .




Oh, I am so sorry if I upset you more. I just wanted to say that sometimes this can happen. Of course I don't really know if this is the case with you. For that I simply don't know enough about you. Plus, I am no psychiatrist. I am just a dude on a forum... :shrug:

Also, even if it is the case that the shrooms triggered some bad mental health, I don't think that means that the problems are necessarily staying forever. As far as I know people usually heal from bad trips. 

All I can say is, don't lose hope. Don't think that your whole life is lost because of the bad episode that is happening right now.

And,.. do take up exercise, go jogging, start swimming, anything to let your body tell your mind that it is happy. 3x a week. It really makes a difference as far as depression is concerned.


--------------------
Small scale alternative parties rich in empathy and extravagance. Happen to know of one in the vicinity of Amsterdam? PM me my dear fellow. I love to meet some other freaks.

Oh and, if you can,.. embrace the nyctomorph. It needs you.


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Offlinefelliee
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: Hanz]
    #22421213 - 10/23/15 01:24 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

I understand, i visited 5 different specialists , 4 psychologist, and 1 Psychiatrist ,, everyone is keep telling me , am fine and i just have anxiety disorder. Am afraid can this develop to something worst ???
Btw most of my HPPD symptos have vanished by now ( almost 2 years passed)
only the floaters are still there. I was started doing gym and exercise since a year ago am doing till now. it helps me alot.

Thanks alot Hans for the replys. am gratefull to you.


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OfflineAldebaran
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: felliee]
    #22424128 - 10/23/15 06:16 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

i have been extreme stoner since my 23's..............I quited  my beloved  weed ( by the time the weed was made me calm and stop thinking all this bullshits )because  i couldnt handle it anymore as it was made me more paranoid, more anxious and a feeling that i am total insane.




It wouldn't be surprising to me if the weed had more to do with your problems than the trip, so if you've quit weed that might help you recover.

Quote:

06:30 I have lost totally my mind , still no visuals or hallucinations , but really strong weird feelings regarding my body and who i am .
I couldnt tell where exactly was my hands or my legs , i could feel the air rush throught my system in each breath.
I tried close my eyes to relax and then i started having visuals of creepy images , when i opened my eyes they were still there for couple of seconds as an afterimage, so i decided i wont close anymore my eyes.

About 07:10 AM my close buddy C comes by my home , after i begged him to come because i had an extreme feeling of being alone , like i was the only person in the earth , i never felt so isolated in my whole life , i was convicted  to kill myself by the time. I had some feelings that am prisoner of my mind , or an isolated prisoner within a body. It was really confusing shit.
My buddy tried calm me down , but i was walking like paranoid from my bathroom to the living room sweating , and i was thinking that , i have to endure more hours this creepy feelings and that i want to escape from that situation but i cant so i felt more like a prisoner, and that made me more anxious and crazy.

About 10:00 Am it was already sunny outside i was still confused,anxious and paniced and really tired. My buddy fell asleep but i couldnt , i was staring at nothingness and feeling extreme feelings of despair , and fear...




Sounds like a strong anxiety / panic reaction (bad trip) to the typical weirdness of a shroom trip. The strong feelings of weirdness, creepy images and afterimages, last person on earth, trapped within a body.......those are just the kind of random negative thoughts that a trip can throw at you. The "hallucinations" are not just about visuals, they can include a lot of weirdness and twisted thought patterns.......like Violace says you can define it as depersonalization and derealization. To feel slightly insane during a trip is normal.

Quote:

The next 3 months i diagnosed with anxiety disorder, depersonalization and derealization , i was convicted that i will never be myself again , and that i am insane, i was felt like i killed myself and now i have to live like this...




I've read reports from other people with similar stories, quite a lot of them report that things improve slowly after they've quit both weed and psychedelics.

I think there's a difference between these feelings of disconnection from your normal self and normal reality, and full-on "insanity"  as in schizophrenia or psychosis. You write like an anxious person but not a psychotic one.

It's not easy to fight depression and anxiety, but if the anxiety gradually lessens, then you might feel less depressed, which makes you feel less anxious. The right medication might help, but just in terms of thought patterns, remember that anxiety is a kind of feedback loop running in your head that connects various things to feelings of anxiety......so it might be helpful to treat it as something you have a little bit of control over by changing the way you think. Just take small steps and think to yourself that you are not insane, you just have some anxiety issues which you are working through, you will get better over time e.t.c.....small ways of thinking positive. When you think thoughts about yourself, try and be nice to yourself!

:nyan:


--------------------
I wrote that, but I meant something else


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OfflineHanz
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Registered: 08/02/15
Posts: 2,932
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Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: felliee]
    #22426291 - 10/24/15 09:01 AM (8 years, 3 months ago)

:whathesaid: Aldebaran here says some very good things. :thumbup:

Quote:

felliee said:
I understand, i visited 5 different specialists , 4 psychologist, and 1 Psychiatrist ,, everyone is keep telling me , am fine and i just have anxiety disorder. Am afraid can this develop to something worst ???
Btw most of my HPPD symptos have vanished by now ( almost 2 years passed)
only the floaters are still there. I was started doing gym and exercise since a year ago am doing till now. it helps me alot.

Thanks alot Hans for the replys. am gratefull to you.




If the professionals say you don't have schizophrenia then that is a big relief. They probably know best. Your fear of schizophrenia is then most likely a symptom of your anxiety. Not a reality. Try to tell yourself this when the fear comes again.

Also, as far as I know, it is not common that anxiety by itself develops into full blown schizophrenia. I have two close friends that developed real schizophrenia at your age. It did not start with anxiety for them. It was more as if they didn't notice at all what was happening, and slowly sunk into a world that was not real. Seeing people that do not exist. Thinking without any logic. Becoming more dull and strange, etc. Only when voices start to tell them to do bad things do they become anxious. I think it's different in your case, from what you tell me.

Strength!, and good luck.

Love, Hanz.


--------------------
Small scale alternative parties rich in empathy and extravagance. Happen to know of one in the vicinity of Amsterdam? PM me my dear fellow. I love to meet some other freaks.

Oh and, if you can,.. embrace the nyctomorph. It needs you.


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Offlinetheshrumnub
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: Hanz]
    #22432283 - 10/25/15 02:56 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

That happened from 1.2 grams..?
:thataintright:


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Offlinefelliee
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Re: Worst trip of my life ( Columbian Shrooms) [Re: theshrumnub]
    #22432507 - 10/25/15 04:03 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks again guys for your response i read everything carefully.
Well yea as hanz said my biggest fear is that i am schizophrenic or i will develop, but maybe its because of my anxiety issues and my extreme fear of this think.
No i do not hallucinate or hearing voices,i am just thinking extreme negative or imagine than i am harming myself and that make me feel more bad because i dont want and i dont like these thoughts i hate these thoughts-imaginations., am also over noticing everything whats happening arround me,  i mean my sensations feels very powerfull , like i am extremely alarmed dont know why  but its frustrating...

I still hope for something better, and no i do not smoke weed , i quited it 8 months because i couldnt handle it anymore...i still miss it i still want go high and smoke that shit , i love it,but i cant... 1 month ago i broke up with my gf and i was so angry sad and dissappointed and i decided to smoke 1 joint ,,...but i paniced again and felt paranoid and really bad... so yea i cant smoke weed.

Yea that was arround 1.2 gramm of columbian mushrooms , i have ordered it from shayana ...


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