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Kush_Zombie
smug piece of shit



Registered: 10/22/14
Posts: 4,793
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I'm depressed..Not sure what to do
#22400524 - 10/18/15 10:03 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Let me first start off by thanking anyone who takes the time to read this. Even if you have nothing to say about it. Even if you have something to say about it that I don't want to hear.
I'm 20 years old. Ever since I was 12 I've struggled with depression. I live with my grandma right now.
With that being said, I'll begin with what spiked my depression recently.
I was selling weed trying to get some money together. I had $1500 saved up. There was this friend that I smoked out constantly on a daily basis for a few months. I also let him smoke DMT for his first time that I had extracted myself. He never pitched in any weed but it didn't bother me at the time. One night, he randomly messaged me and asked if I wanted to smoke a reggie blunt with him at the park. I thought it was a little weird but I said yes anyways and even rolled a dro blunt to match him. While we were at the park he had someone break into my room and go into my drawer and steal the $1500 (all of my money) from me.
Just when I started to feel like I was about to get out of my bullshit little town *poof* it was all gone.
But it wasn't enough to stab me in the back and take my money. A few days after that happened my mailbox got hit. And it kept getting hit over the next few weeks. Over and over again. I never caught anyone doing it, it just kept happening. And all of this is happening at my grandma's house.
All of this happened about 5 months ago and it still eats away at me. I think about it during the day and I think about it at night. Everytime my neighbor's dog starts barking I get paranoid and go outside to check. I don't feel safe in my home anymore and I'm so fucked up in the head after that happened. I don't know if I deserved what happened or what but I don't know how someone could be so heartless. It just blows my mind.
My grandma put up some Halloween decorations and tonight this glass pumpkin decoration went missing. I don't know if it was the guy who robbed me or one of his friends but I can't help but feel like it was someone who was out to get me.
I was fucking my next door neighbor who is like 30 years old and has a kid and she's always felt guilty about it because she's a Christian and she felt like it was wrong...so within the last month and a half she completely blocked me from getting ahold of her in any way and said it was just something she needed to do and continued to ignore me after that. Due to me being robbed, I haven't left the house at all except to go to work, therefore I haven't really given myself the chance to get laid since then either.
I feel like a bitch for not doing anything about being robbed. I'm not a fighter even if he definitely deserves it and it's something that I should do, it's just not in me and I feel pretty fucking pathetic for it. I still have no money. I'm not doing anything with my life. The only thing I'm looking forward to in life right now is getting started on growing some shrooms but it'll be a week before I get the spores and then it'll be like another month and a half before I actually have some mushrooms. Until then I'm just a sitting duck in this life.
I was doing a program called WWOOF where I go work on organic farms and they cover my housing and food in exchange for me working on the farm but now I'm back home and all I want is to get the fuck out of this town again. Then when I get out of my town and go work on a farm I start to feel used. It just doesn't seem like I'm happy with any options I make.
I apologize for anyone who has a harder life than me and is reading this like "Is that all you have to worry about?" but please understand that in my mind this is absolutely fucking miserable. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't contemplating suicide but I really don't want to take the easy way out..I just don't know what to do.
And it's not just these things that I've mentioned that make me depressed, as I've already stated I've been dealing with depression since I was 12. I get depressed and I get high anxiety for no reason at all, it's just that lately I've had reasons to add to those feelings that were already there.
I've smoked DMT several times, I've done several LSA and Amanita Muscaria trips and while those things opened up my eyes to things in the world, it seems to have done nothing for my depression and anxiety.
I know a lot of other people have it WAY worse than I do but I just feel really miserable and pathetic and it's making me bitter. I just want it all to go away. And sometimes I want myself to go away.
-------------------- How to get started in bulk: Presto 23-Quart Pressure Cooker BOD's Simple as FUCK Still Air Box PastyWhyte's Easy Agar Tek Munchauzen's Cultivation Video Series How EvilMushroom666 Prepares His Grains (I use jars with Synthetic Filter Discs) What is G2G? (Grain-to-Grain) Damion5050's Coir Tek (I use 5.5 - 6 quarts of water instead of 4. Also ignore step 13 and ignore the monotub completely. The only purpose of this tek is to show you how to make a simple substrate. I also add gypsum to it but not necessary) Spitball's Monotub Tek (A liner isn't necessary but is useful) Use 6500k lights throughout the whole process. When you wake up, turn the light on. When you go to sleep turn the light off. It's as simple as that.
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Psilosopherr
A psilly goose



Registered: 02/15/12
Posts: 12,278
Last seen: 1 month, 10 days
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22400584 - 10/18/15 10:26 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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sounds like you should take steps to feel more secure.
how'd the guy break into your house? kick in the door?
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Kush_Zombie
smug piece of shit



Registered: 10/22/14
Posts: 4,793
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Psilosopherr]
#22400603 - 10/18/15 10:30 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
rbalzer said: sounds like you should take steps to feel more secure.
how'd the guy break into your house? kick in the door?
He went through a window in my room that doesn't lock. I'm not really worried about the house being broken into again, I'm more or less worried about the house being vandalized more as far as me feeling secure goes. I guess when I see the house getting vandalized I immediately assume it's someone who's metaphorically laughing in my face.
edit: I did fix that window to where it doesn't open though.
-------------------- How to get started in bulk: Presto 23-Quart Pressure Cooker BOD's Simple as FUCK Still Air Box PastyWhyte's Easy Agar Tek Munchauzen's Cultivation Video Series How EvilMushroom666 Prepares His Grains (I use jars with Synthetic Filter Discs) What is G2G? (Grain-to-Grain) Damion5050's Coir Tek (I use 5.5 - 6 quarts of water instead of 4. Also ignore step 13 and ignore the monotub completely. The only purpose of this tek is to show you how to make a simple substrate. I also add gypsum to it but not necessary) Spitball's Monotub Tek (A liner isn't necessary but is useful) Use 6500k lights throughout the whole process. When you wake up, turn the light on. When you go to sleep turn the light off. It's as simple as that.
Edited by Kush_Zombie (10/18/15 10:32 PM)
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22400625 - 10/18/15 10:38 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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That's terrible. I really don't have very much advise other than try to enjoy the little things and make sure to get lots of sleep and sun. Eat a good breakfast every morning.
Smoke a joint a day at least too lol
I'm glad it didn't happen to me cuz I would be bout ready to hunt them down with a 12 gauge at the time.
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Psilosopherr
A psilly goose



Registered: 02/15/12
Posts: 12,278
Last seen: 1 month, 10 days
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22400632 - 10/18/15 10:40 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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maybe talk to some neighbors to see if they've noticed anything of theirs being stolen/vandalized. That way you'll know if you're being targeted, and if so you can ask them to keep an eye out for you.
I'd suggest getting a scary dog but it sounds like you want to leave asap.
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PositivePerception
Anonymous
Registered: 07/20/14
Posts: 90
Last seen: 5 years, 9 months
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Psilosopherr]
#22400711 - 10/18/15 11:10 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I'm going through a break up of over a month from a woman I love deeply. We dated nearly two years. And I also live in a town that I'm trying desperate to get out of. I'm in a lot of pain still. It sucks, there is no way around it. Time will definitely heal you though, hang in there and be strong. I'm doing everything I can to leave this town. Which is applying for and interviewing at other jobs in a bigger city. That and I've been working out , exercise is therapeutic and can be a good escape. I had been taking lots of adderall nearly everyday but I got off of that. Sobriety has taught me lessons and helped me to realize things that I was too anxious (due to adderall) to notice. Listen to motivational podcast, anxiety podcasts. Watch the Jim Valvano speech. It'll be alright.
-------------------- Everything I say on this website is pure fiction.
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Kush_Zombie
smug piece of shit



Registered: 10/22/14
Posts: 4,793
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Can someone just assure me I'm not wrong for not doing anything to the guy who robbed me? Don't say it if it's not true though. As crazy as it sounds I've been working hard on trying to forgive the bastard. I'm not going to forgive him to his face, the last thing I want is to ever see him again, but I've been trying to forgive him mentally. I haven't succeeded with forgiving him yet but it's something I've been trying to work towards.
-------------------- How to get started in bulk: Presto 23-Quart Pressure Cooker BOD's Simple as FUCK Still Air Box PastyWhyte's Easy Agar Tek Munchauzen's Cultivation Video Series How EvilMushroom666 Prepares His Grains (I use jars with Synthetic Filter Discs) What is G2G? (Grain-to-Grain) Damion5050's Coir Tek (I use 5.5 - 6 quarts of water instead of 4. Also ignore step 13 and ignore the monotub completely. The only purpose of this tek is to show you how to make a simple substrate. I also add gypsum to it but not necessary) Spitball's Monotub Tek (A liner isn't necessary but is useful) Use 6500k lights throughout the whole process. When you wake up, turn the light on. When you go to sleep turn the light off. It's as simple as that.
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Psilosopherr
A psilly goose



Registered: 02/15/12
Posts: 12,278
Last seen: 1 month, 10 days
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22400773 - 10/18/15 11:38 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kush_Zombie said: Can someone just assure me I'm not wrong for not doing anything to the guy who robbed me? Don't say it if it's not true though. As crazy as it sounds I've been working hard on trying to forgive the bastard. I'm not going to forgive him to his face, the last thing I want is to ever see him again, but I've been trying to forgive him mentally. I haven't succeeded with forgiving him yet but it's something I've been trying to work towards.
yeahhh, I respect that. I felt the need for revenge after getting fucked for only 300 bucks. can't be easy to let it go for such a large amount of money, especially when it was for a dream of yours.
Finding a way to just get past it mentally is the way to go it seems. revenge leads to escalation too
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22400794 - 10/18/15 11:45 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kush_Zombie said: Can someone just assure me I'm not wrong for not doing anything to the guy who robbed me? Don't say it if it's not true though. As crazy as it sounds I've been working hard on trying to forgive the bastard. I'm not going to forgive him to his face, the last thing I want is to ever see him again, but I've been trying to forgive him mentally. I haven't succeeded with forgiving him yet but it's something I've been trying to work towards.
Eh Idk I wouldn't ever forgive him
People who are willing to steal your hard earned money are pieces of shit who probably haven't ever really earned a dollar. Thieves are horrid people. I would have literally be on the verge of taking a bat and confronting him at the time if that happened to me.
But your honestly better off just doing what you did.
What could you do? besides beat his ass and get arrested and gain more paranoia and enemies or call the police which would lead to a bunch of questions and shit and it's just a big fucking mess that way lol
You did the right thing IMO
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Pass the Myce
Monkey


Registered: 11/21/14
Posts: 69
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22400886 - 10/19/15 12:31 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Dude 100% you're not wrong try and forgive. I'm actually really impressed at how you're approaching it like seriously good work brother. People have this weird concept of forgiveness like it should be earnt by the guy in the wrong, or that you can forgive for little things but not more serious things like this or even much worse things.
No, all forgiveness is, is letting go of a bad situation from haunting you any longer. So drop your restraints to forgive. Those dudes that stole your money and keep messing with you are very small people. They have a very small, selfish world and all this that they've done to you is a reflection on how little they've come on this journey. You're bigger than that, so good work. Use that expanded mind you've developed from your experiences and keep expanding. I know it seems pointless because at the moment, YOU are still the one that's in the shit. But when you've gotten out of this town, and meet the people you'll truly be calling friends, you will have everything you need to experience a much more profound version of love than those guys will ever feel.
Honestly I just have to say again- good fucking work for trying to be mature in all this especially whilst going through such a long depression. I really feel for you, and you don't deserve any of this being done to you, that town is treating you horribly and doesn't deserve you. The world is huge -oh and that's pretty cool that you went to that organic farm - good to see you getting out there and trying new things. It's a shame that you felt used because of it- did they make you work harder than you think?
I'd be down to talk to you more man, I'd love to be able to help you out even a little. Depression is fucked up and it's really hard to get out of. I know I keep complimenting you but honestly I'm impressed - I can see you've got a pretty empathetic and open mind, knowing your struggles aren't as bad as they could be. I also just wanna say you're completely justified, everything is relative to your own experience of your world and it doesn't seem you've been given much chance to not be in a slump.
When you do DMT and other psychedelics, try and really learn from them. They seem to shout out what your subconscious and intuition thinks, which depression has a nack for burying. I'm sure you know this already though. Try and use pot not just as an escape, but a chance to let go and just have fun. If you have trouble meditating, maybe change how you do it if you ever. All meditation is for me is training my mind to be quieter. To reduce anxiety. So usually you just focus on your breath yeah? And have as small a thought as possible. Well I like to just do it with music, get real high and get heaps into the music I'm listening to. You seem to get into this state of 'flow' they call it and it's the same thing.
Also your not alone, I don't know what type of music you're in but these guys really helped me look at stuff differently and I can really relate to. Their lyrics are insane: The four owls ( a pommy crew), some favourite songs to check out are 'life in the balance', 'knowledge', 'control', 'pay the price', 'burning vapour' but literally all of them are crazy good.
Take it easy man and take care. PM me any time I'll be down to talk and stuff.
Edited by Pass the Myce (10/19/15 12:54 AM)
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Pass the Myce
Monkey


Registered: 11/21/14
Posts: 69
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22400890 - 10/19/15 12:34 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Yeah check this one out
And this one. The music videos are dope.
Hope you like a bit of pommy rap and if you don't I hope you will.
-------------------- "If we could read each other's mind's, we would all converge into one organism. What then?" "Remember the love bit" - Christopher hitchens "The beauty you see in me is a only reflection of you" - Rumi
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Kush_Zombie
smug piece of shit



Registered: 10/22/14
Posts: 4,793
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Pass the Myce]
#22401699 - 10/19/15 09:07 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I really appreciate that.
In answer to your question about me feeling used on the farm, it wasn't that I felt I was being worked too hard, the guy that ran the place just made me feel unappreciated for what I was doing.
The first time we talked to each other I had to go up to him and I thanked him for giving me the opportunity to come out there and told him I was happy to be there and he just smirked and said "We'll change that."
He was probably joking but the rest of my time he did very little to convince me otherwise. I was the only WWOOFer there and it seemed like anytime there was a really shitty job that needed to be done he'd pull me to the side and ask me to do it rather than get someone he was paying to go take care of it. So I figured if he was going to treat me like a paid employee rather than someone trying to learn then I'd leave to go somewhere else until he decided to put his money where his mouth was.
From what everyone else said on the farm, he was just an ass in general and it was nothing personal towards me but at least they were getting paid to put up with it.
I'll go WWOOF again eventually though, I just had a bad first experience was all. There were definitely things I enjoyed from the experience though and I'm still glad I went, it just wasn't worth it to stay there any longer if you know what I mean. I left on good terms.
Haha and I'd love to smoke a joint right now but too broke at the moment. I've been drinking alcohol for the past 2 months or so because it's always been there but I decided about 3 days ago that I needed to take a break from that because it's becoming too much of a habit and I've been getting more headaches lately than usual so I've been sober.
But thank you for your kind words, they really meant a lot to me. It was a very nice thing to wake up to this morning and I really appreciate it.
-------------------- How to get started in bulk: Presto 23-Quart Pressure Cooker BOD's Simple as FUCK Still Air Box PastyWhyte's Easy Agar Tek Munchauzen's Cultivation Video Series How EvilMushroom666 Prepares His Grains (I use jars with Synthetic Filter Discs) What is G2G? (Grain-to-Grain) Damion5050's Coir Tek (I use 5.5 - 6 quarts of water instead of 4. Also ignore step 13 and ignore the monotub completely. The only purpose of this tek is to show you how to make a simple substrate. I also add gypsum to it but not necessary) Spitball's Monotub Tek (A liner isn't necessary but is useful) Use 6500k lights throughout the whole process. When you wake up, turn the light on. When you go to sleep turn the light off. It's as simple as that.
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CosmicAdventurer
Dr Getafix?



Registered: 09/15/13
Posts: 127
Last seen: 5 years, 9 months
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22401899 - 10/19/15 09:18 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Grow those shrooms, when you have some, with a happy frame of mind, go find a safe place where your sure your wont be disturbed (motel?)and eat 3.5 grams .
Do that enough times and im sure it will help with your depression, it demolished mine.
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Kush_Zombie
smug piece of shit



Registered: 10/22/14
Posts: 4,793
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Quote:
CosmicAdventurer said: Grow those shrooms, when you have some, with a happy frame of mind, go find a safe place where your sure your wont be disturbed (motel?)and eat 3.5 grams .
Do that enough times and im sure it will help with your depression, it demolished mine.
Thank you, I actually literally just made a post asking about this. How long does it keep your depression away if you don't mind me asking?
-------------------- How to get started in bulk: Presto 23-Quart Pressure Cooker BOD's Simple as FUCK Still Air Box PastyWhyte's Easy Agar Tek Munchauzen's Cultivation Video Series How EvilMushroom666 Prepares His Grains (I use jars with Synthetic Filter Discs) What is G2G? (Grain-to-Grain) Damion5050's Coir Tek (I use 5.5 - 6 quarts of water instead of 4. Also ignore step 13 and ignore the monotub completely. The only purpose of this tek is to show you how to make a simple substrate. I also add gypsum to it but not necessary) Spitball's Monotub Tek (A liner isn't necessary but is useful) Use 6500k lights throughout the whole process. When you wake up, turn the light on. When you go to sleep turn the light off. It's as simple as that.
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Psilosopherr
A psilly goose



Registered: 02/15/12
Posts: 12,278
Last seen: 1 month, 10 days
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22401990 - 10/19/15 09:40 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kush_Zombie said:
Quote:
CosmicAdventurer said: Grow those shrooms, when you have some, with a happy frame of mind, go find a safe place where your sure your wont be disturbed (motel?)and eat 3.5 grams .
Do that enough times and im sure it will help with your depression, it demolished mine.
Thank you, I actually literally just made a post asking about this. How long does it keep your depression away if you don't mind me asking?
I once took 9 grams and was good to go for at least a few months.
I actually thought it might last forever for a while. Its not a magic pill though, you still have to work at it. especially if you want it to last
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impatientguy
Ganjalf a very mighty lab wizard



Registered: 11/26/14
Posts: 5,054
Loc: USA
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Psilosopherr]
#22402975 - 10/19/15 10:52 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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is what my experiences were with them too
It'll work for a few weeks for me
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Roostertail

Registered: 09/27/15
Posts: 300
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: impatientguy]
#22403650 - 10/19/15 01:43 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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I would talk to a good friend or family member, someone who you trust and see what they since they know you.
I wouldn't engage with that guy. I would talk to one of his friends who mig not want to attack you and let them know how you feel.
Maybe get some cameras or some shit or a motion sensors light.
Don't feel bad, I get depressed sometimes and I'm on medication currently.
I did the geographical change to get away from people that used me but don't feel like you have to move away from this kid.
Ride it out like the other poster stated and grow some mushed.
I can't get on with my grow right now because of my living situation so you at least have something to look foreword to.
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Kush_Zombie
smug piece of shit



Registered: 10/22/14
Posts: 4,793
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Roostertail]
#22404268 - 10/19/15 04:26 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Roostertail said: I would talk to a good friend or family member, someone who you trust and see what they since they know you.
I wouldn't engage with that guy. I would talk to one of his friends who mig not want to attack you and let them know how you feel.
Maybe get some cameras or some shit or a motion sensors light.
Don't feel bad, I get depressed sometimes and I'm on medication currently.
I did the geographical change to get away from people that used me but don't feel like you have to move away from this kid.
Ride it out like the other poster stated and grow some mushed.
I can't get on with my grow right now because of my living situation so you at least have something to look foreword to.
My town is really small, that was the only friend I talked to and all of his friends are on meth as well lol. I prefer to be alone these days. Getting on here and posting about it made me feel better though oddly enough. It's nice to get different perspectives and hear how fucked up it was from other people. Plus it was nice to put my words somewhere else other than my head. But yeah, I should really invest in some cameras at some point. I'm not trying to move away to get away from that guy, I hated this town before anyone screwed me over lol. I'm at least in a better state of mind today than I was yesterday. I find it strange how much posting on the Shroomery helped but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth so to speak.
-------------------- How to get started in bulk: Presto 23-Quart Pressure Cooker BOD's Simple as FUCK Still Air Box PastyWhyte's Easy Agar Tek Munchauzen's Cultivation Video Series How EvilMushroom666 Prepares His Grains (I use jars with Synthetic Filter Discs) What is G2G? (Grain-to-Grain) Damion5050's Coir Tek (I use 5.5 - 6 quarts of water instead of 4. Also ignore step 13 and ignore the monotub completely. The only purpose of this tek is to show you how to make a simple substrate. I also add gypsum to it but not necessary) Spitball's Monotub Tek (A liner isn't necessary but is useful) Use 6500k lights throughout the whole process. When you wake up, turn the light on. When you go to sleep turn the light off. It's as simple as that.
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Pass the Myce
Monkey


Registered: 11/21/14
Posts: 69
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Kush_Zombie]
#22406958 - 10/20/15 12:51 AM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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Cool man glad I can help even a little.
Yeah all it takes is one guy that's slightly on your case to ruin what could be an awesome experience. and of course you find him, right?
sweet, yeah might be a good idea to be careful with drinking, its one of those habits you don't think are too bad but man it can screw with your psychology in subtle ways so that you don't even notice- but other people definitely do.
aw man spewing you cant chill with a joint, if you ever come down to Sydney, Australia PM me and we'll smoke something good my shout. Always down to smoke with new people.
Good luck trying to raise some cash though, you got a job or anything?
take care
-------------------- "If we could read each other's mind's, we would all converge into one organism. What then?" "Remember the love bit" - Christopher hitchens "The beauty you see in me is a only reflection of you" - Rumi
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Cognitive_Shift
CS actual




Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 29,591
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Re: I'm depressed..Not sure what to do [Re: Pass the Myce]
#22409237 - 10/20/15 01:00 PM (8 years, 3 months ago) |
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You're young, this is only temporary. Hang in there things will change whether you want them to or not.
-------------------- L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs
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